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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

DD (an only) Off To Uni Tomorrow Heart Breaking But Hiding It Well

125 replies

girlie1 · 18/09/2021 15:32

The title sums it up. Our daughter is wonderful, inspite of the usual flash points over tidiness etc we are very close, have done alot together including some fantastic adventurous trips, and we love having her at home. She is also a bit vunerble having had anxiety issues in recent times and is less independent/experienced than many girls her age. However during her gap year -inspite of covid limitations - she has addressed her mental health issues and worked in several roles, growing alot in confidence and spreading her wings more socially. As well as the usual anxieties aboit her being a long way from home in the big wild world, we have some concerns about how she will cope with the practicalities of life (no catered accom at Sheffield uni) / bus rides each day to lectures etc and the almost 200 mile distance from home should she need us. However, we recognise at 19 it's her time to do this, and having both been to uni ourselves we are proud she got into her top choice and feel excited for her.
However as it gets closer I feel a real sense of dread. I went to boarding school and uni in UK but my parents lived overseas and so I am used to separations. Whilst my head tells me to get on with it with all the logical conclusions.. my heart feels as if it is breaking. I know I must put on a brave face for her sake (and I will). But this feels alot worse than I imagined. Right now I wonder how I am going to be happy without her. Knowing others have been through it helps. Any advice gratefully accepted.

OP posts:
Rogue1001 · 20/09/2021 20:59

[quote Blueskythinking123]@doubleshotcappuccino thank you for the message. It is hard, but I am focusing on the positives. Both DC are happy and confident to live independently and are making their way in life.

I've booked onto some classes to fill my time. So off dancing tonight! I have two left feet, so will be fun or a disaster Grin

I've also took on a volunteering role one evening a week. I want to have things to talk about when we do chat (other than work). I also know my DD will be happy thinking I'm out and about.

I'm a single mum and the last thing I wanted was for them to feel responsible for me and my happiness. [/quote]
I've fallen in love and admiration of you for your last paragraph.
You're an awesome mum

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/09/2021 08:34

I woke up to a Snapchat video from my daughter doing a little tour around her room which she has all organised beautifully. Has made my day!

WTF475878237NC · 21/09/2021 10:34

How lovely Smile

notwavingbutdrowning5 · 21/09/2021 20:10

I have been struggling too - second DC just gone off for his second year, so I really should be used to it by now!

I bought myself this book, which is helping me get a better perspective on it: www.amazon.co.uk/Empty-Nest-survive-close-adult/dp/0749953861/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&s=books&keywords=the+empty+nest+celia+dodd&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1632251344&sr=1-1

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/09/2021 20:59

That book looks good, thanks for the recommendation. (Off to download it)

LaLaFlottes · 21/09/2021 21:04

@notwavingbutdrowning5 thank you I have ordered the book too Smile

LaLaFlottes · 21/09/2021 21:06

@girlie1 thank you for that volunteering idea - I have registered my interest Smile That’s lovely that you do it partly as a tribute to your Mum Flowers

Itsnotdeep · 21/09/2021 21:08

My dd went on Saturday too and I miss her so much! She isn't my youngest, so I still have children at home, but she was such a big part of my home - very talkative, lovely, kind and just the nicest girl.

She's having an amazing time and is so excited, so i'm very happy that she's happy and I'm so excited for her. She has a younger sister who is also missing her dreadfully, and it's difficult seeing her at such a loose end because the pair of them used to spend so much time together. I haven't spoken to her yet, but she's messaged a few times.

@Blueskythinking123, I'm a single mum too. I can't imagine how I'll be when the youngest leaves home. I hope I'm as positive as you.

girlie1 · 22/09/2021 14:58

Hi LaLaFlottes I salute you for actively considering HomeStart. It is a great cause and they need lovely Mums like you.
Thankfully my DD is having a ball so far which makes leaving her there easier. Hope yours is settling too. Not an easy phase of life to feel your active parenting days are all but done but I guess the circle of life keeps turning. Flowers

OP posts:
Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 22/09/2021 16:01

I'm 10 days in and your post @ssd made me teary as it is so true.

BreathingDeep · 22/09/2021 19:15

This is tough, isn't it? We took DS last week and while he's settled in brilliantly and is going out loads and seems to having a great time, I am struggling with the lack of contact and the one-line answers. He's not the chattiest fellow, and not knowing anything other than that he's alive and well and happy is TORTURE. But, I'm mightily relieved he's doing well and settling in, it's just a case of adjusting to this new normal where he's not home.

Hugs for you all, this is the next step in our parenting and as we always say, it's about roots and wings. Give them strong foundations and then let them fly... even if it's a little painful

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 22/09/2021 19:43

Whoever suggested the 'proof of life' message is a genius. It worked for me today - got an impromptu FaceTime with her en-route to Greggs for hangover fodder! 😂

Delphigirl · 22/09/2021 20:23

That was me @chocolatesaltyballs22! I’m so pleased!
Sometimes it just prompts a silly selfie but that’s enough frankly Grin

Snog · 22/09/2021 20:26

It's a new chapter in life for both of you.
Your relationship will grow and continue to be wonderful I am sure.
Your dd is blossoming into her adult life and it's an exciting time.
You will both have lots to talk about together. You can visit and explore Sheffield together. Term times are short and holidays are long and frequent.
You will also have more time for yourself to spend more time with friends or on hobbies which will bring its own rewards.
I would take your lead on how much contact to have from your dd. This might be once a week or might be several times a day.
I wasn't looking forward to this time but when it came it was good ( I have a limited edition too).

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 22/09/2021 20:32

Ah, well I thank you for that @Delphigirl - I shall be using it again! And a silly selfie would do for me as well.

ssd · 23/09/2021 10:22

Theres a lovely article in the guardian online today about this very topic from Adrian Chiles

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/09/2021 11:44

@ssd

Theres a lovely article in the guardian online today about this very topic from Adrian Chiles
Aww that's so lovely, and beautifully written. The contact lense popping out made me laugh.
doubleshotcappuccino · 23/09/2021 12:25

@Snog beautifully put .
That Adrian Chiles article in The Guardian is brilliant as is this thread !

sergeantmajormum · 23/09/2021 15:55

The Adrian Chiles piece is lovely. I like him have 2 DD, one now back home after 4 years at uni and 2nd in her third year. I should be used to the adjustment each time they go. I’m not. It gets easier and lasts for shorter time but tears still come easy each time they go again. Nature is a bit cruel (specially over past 18 months) allowing us to spend time with them each summer etc, then just as you get used to them being around, off they go!
So any words of wisdom 5 years since I was in your boat? Send texts specially of the dog, don’t always expect a reply (they probably don’t think of us half as much as we do of them), don’t ask too many questions and don’t be upset when your online grocery order asks you if you’ve forgotten things you only buy for them 😊

Theimpossiblegirl · 23/09/2021 18:27

Well, it's taken DD a week to realise we got the wrong pans for an induction hob so I'm not sure she's done much cooking.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/09/2021 19:19

@Theimpossiblegirl

Well, it's taken DD a week to realise we got the wrong pans for an induction hob so I'm not sure she's done much cooking.
😂 love this! I asked my daughter if she'd cooked and she said she made beans on toast!!
ottoisagoodname · 23/09/2021 22:53

Grr re the induction hobs at Sheffield Uni halls. Have had to send suitable pans via Amazon, after the new pan set was found to be unsuitable.

DottyHarmer · 24/09/2021 12:23

It is hard, but on a very positive note they are soon back!!

I do like the phrase upthread that our dcs are not responsible for our happiness - so it is major Stiff Upper Lip time. And, if I can offer a bit of advice, unless they are struggling, leave them be. I have seen posts over the years where mums have arranged lots of things to lure the dcs back at weekends, eg wedding anniversary, Granny’s birthday, Aunt Hazel’s divorce party etc etc. Or, “We’re visiting next weekend, and the one after, and the one after that…”

All that might make you feel better, but seriously unsettles the fledgling student and may stunt their bonding with their peers.

We visited every half-term. Ds very happy to see us! But I don’t think he’d have been thrilled if I’d told him there was a three-l8ne whip family event every week.

Also, ds was mucho pleased with letters and parcels (pack of pants/Freddos etc). People don’t do letters much these days, and ds said he really loved getting a chatty letter.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 24/09/2021 13:26

God I completely agree @DottyHarmer. I plan to visit once between now and Christmas to take her out for lunch/dinner. Wouldn't dream of dragging her back home for random events, unless she actually wanted to come home for a weekend. We have to leave them to it!

Dowhatnoway · 24/09/2021 16:40

My first post although have been lurking for a while. This post pulled me in. My 'limited edition' one went a week ago and I had it all planned. Was going to get more involved in sports activities so she didn't feel like I was left at home alone (single mum). But broke my leg 3 weeks before she left so its all gone out the window. So have some craft hobbies to do instead and trying new recipes it gives me something new to talk to her about.
Its hard enough trying to settle in without being worried about someone at home.