Another path to greatness - part III

[chopc]

Here is the new thread

@bendmeoverbackwards I am so sorry for her. It just really has been a gruesome year and history seems to have been especially grim (among others eg medicine).

One doesn’t want to sound as though one expects everything to always go smoothly but it is hard to see these children who have always shown promise, have worked hard, achieved excellent grades and have huge enthusiasm for their chosen subjects end up, failing to get a place at any of their chosen target universities (his top 3 in my son’s case). However much one fretted about the process, this isn’t where one would have expected to end up.

I hope that once the shock has worn off she warms to Exeter. There is a phase of working through it before one can properly assess the other options (there was for me anyway!) Exeter is an excellent option too. But it may take her a bit of time.

Has anything specifically put her off her choices bend?
Manchester is highly ranked for History and has great graduate prospects

I say no decision needs to be made at this point. Just focus on AL and there is time after to decide.

The accommodation thing is really pissing me off as it puts unnecessary offer. Even if she picks a choice now to secure accommodation, she can withdraw if she really doesn't want to go there

@bendmeoverbackwards

Bit confused *@SeasonFinale* are you saying 80% of Durham applicants got offers? Seems very high.

Sorry no I tried to explain after. At our school so far. Half my post disappeared after I pushed send.

I'm sure she doesn't want solutions at the moment, only sympathy and empathy, but I hope you can go and visit Exeter in April and she can see it for herself.
Fwiw, everyone I've met who's gone there has been very happy and later very successful. The only people I've heard of who didn't love it were 2 of dh's pupils who got unexpectedly excellent a level gears one year and reapplied to Exeter because of that - both of them struggled with the academic rigour of their courses (I can't remember which they were) which will not be a problem your dd will face. My best friend lives near Exeter and it's a gorgeous place to be as well.

@bendmeoverbackwards Sorry to hear your news. It is cruel to have left your DD waiting for so long. I'd definitely see if Exeter will let her swap to straight History, and try and plan a visit over Easter. I think my DS will firm Exeter and it sounds like he will be in good company.

Bendmeover, that is so sad.

Reassure her that though there will be posh types at Exeter she does not need to mix with them. It will be like school but with a lot more choice. You find your friends and you hang out with them. You recognise other groups exist but if you are not interested in mixing with them and they are not interested in mixing with you, you don’t. She should think about societies she might join where she is likely to meet like minded people.

I doubt Exeter is any ‘posher’ than Durham or Bristol where DD is. And people reinvent themselves. DD went to a ‘posh’ school, and one of her friends went to Exeter and deliberately did not tell anyone where he went to school and made a nice group of down to earth friends and has stayed on in the West Country. DD has a good group of friends from mainly rural areas who like to do outdoorsy things. They were discussing a BNOC (big name on campus) and DD said she knew him. Her friends were surprised as she was taking a different subject and, like them, did not hang out with the loud visible posh group.They were more surprised when she explained she knew him from A level biology.

If she can start thinking positively she should start hearing good things. By many accounts Exeter is a lovely University.

The Gap year thing is difficult. DD had a classic one. Ski season and Camp America, and interning at a cookery school. She learn masses and grew up a lot. The ski season was slave labour but she stuck it out, and is more resilient as a result. But I assume none of this is going to be possible.

Perceived ‘failure’ at this age is so very difficult. Especially as they are high achieving young people, who aren’t failures at all.

I've just seen your update on the last thread bendmeoverbackwards and wanted to say how incredibly sorry I feel for your DD - also for you, by extension. It's just a really bad year to be a Y13.

Is there any mileage in thinking about a gap year and re-applying for straight History? If she can think of something which she'd find fun and productive for a gap year then a least she wouldn't feel she compromised herself, since she seems to be more set on History now than Ancient and Modern.

The sibling stuff should be secondary, or she could end up resenting her sister and blaming her if things don't go well.

Can we not go down a posh/unposh divide here? I believe we have a good mix of state and independent on this thread. Some posh people go.to state schools and some non-posh people go to Indies.

Anyway in terms of reputation then I suspect Durham and Exeter are on a par so am unsure what difference going to one rather than the other would make. Anyway let's not start making this a divisive thread when it was set up as a support thread.

Really sorry to see bend's news. In a different year, there's no doubt she'd have a full complement of offers. As for SATS, oh my lord. I'm feeling a great sense of there but for the grace of God*, really. It's all so bloody random and unfair.
*in a strictly agnostic sense

Bend that is really unfair. It just seems to be a year where everything is more difficult and offers seem to be quite random.
I really hope your DD comes to an outcome she is happy with after she goes through the difficult process of accepting the knock back from D.

@SeasonFinale. Totally

Sorry season. My point was meant to be the opposite. When you get to University you can decide who you want to be and hang out with the people you want to hang out with. In reply to Bends DD's concern about Exeter.

I’m so sorry Bend . I hope that once the dust has settled, she can think about her 3 offers more clearly, but for now it is perfectly understandable that she feels bitterly disappointed and upset.

Durham rejected me ( a very long time ago ) and Bristol and I read law at Manchester and did very well indeed - all fine in the end, best in the year, worked at a leading London law firm etc.

I would probably pick Exeter over Manchester. I wouldn't worry about what is posh and what is not. All 5 of my children had Exeter as one of their choices (although 3 went to Bristol). Exeter was my older son's first choice although he didn't get the grades and went to Reading via clearing.

Really sorry to hear it Bend! And even sorrier that your dd is so upset. Exeter is an excellent Uni, and I really thought ds was going to end up there and I was very happy with that possibility. I know several kids who are there or just finished and are having/had a wonderful time. Your dd will need time to get over this and thankfully there are many weeks before final decisions need to be made. There is a high chance she will look back on this some day and shrug her shoulders and think that these things happen for a reason....I hope that is the case anyway.

How is your DD @bendmeoverbackwards ?
Did she tell you the reason Durham gave her for the declination?

How are you?

Morning all, thank you again for all the support, I really appreciate it.

Haven’t seen dd yet today, I was working early and Dh took her to school.

@chopc it said on track that her PS wasn’t good enough, I think someone else said the same, sorry can’t remember who it was, so I’m not sure if it’s just a blanket reason given to everyone.

Just wondering with Durham (and other unis) if they’re being very cautious with offers, if they have a low update of offers they will have spaces available later on? What happens then, do those places go into clearing?

If dd accepts Exeter, does that rule out UCAS extra and/or clearing?

I think personally she should accept Exeter. It’s a great uni and up till recently dd was very keen. I think she’s gone off it because she was so invested in Durham so anything else seems second best.

I did see somewhere that History applications have increased this year.

It would seem reasonable for all the top universities to join in the admissions testing, ie HAT/ELAT etc to give them more information about candidates.

I should think that since half of those who were hoping for Durham will now be at Exeter there is no need to worry about Exeter’s profile as it will be the same as Durham’s would have been.... if you see what I mean!

Hi bend. Just wanted to say, that I did take DS to visit Exeter last summer and I think as soon as is possible (Easter holidays)? you could maybe rent an Air B&B for one or two nights and go and take it all in. It’s a lovely part of the U.K., I think, with a kind of laid-back vibe. The Jurassic coast is my favourite coastline. Exeter is great. We found a fantastic Lebanese restaurant in the square by the cathedral with wonky floors. We didn’t do this, but if you follow the main high street down the hill, there’s a kind of harbour area, I think, where there’s more shops and cafes. We missed that, somehow. The campus is on a hill (which nearly finished me off as it was 30 degrees when we visited), but it’s very green and the accommodation all looks great. It must be very sociable as they’re all in the same place. The weather will be better than Durham . They can go to the beach at weekends.

As for the “posh people” reputation, This was DS’ main reservation about Durham, but I’ve convinced him this is unfair because their will be all types everywhere. DS also realised some people might well find him posh, but there not a lot he can do about that is there? I do think all this online stereotyping that seems to go in is quite toxic.

Thank you @quest1on I have no doubt that Exeter is a lovely city, dd said herself she loved the sound of beach/countryside/city combination. One of her friends is going to Bristol which is near-ish enough for visits. I’m also not concerned about the so called ‘posh’ aspect - no more or less than Durham I imagine. It’s just this silly comment about Exeter from a girl in DD’s year that dd says she can’t unhear. I don’t know why it’s affecting her so much, probably the Durham news is making her not think clearly.

Anyway I had a message from dd that she’s feeling a little better and she’s even been looking at Exeter accommodation which sounds promising.

bendmeoverbackwards Hi Bend, big hugs to your DD for the news.

My DD is now really looking forward to Exeter. If you think it might help, I could ask if DD would be happy to chat with your DD. She has really moved on so well, very much thinking that things happen for a reason. I have been really proud of her approach. My DD has a long history of anxiety and mental health problems, but she seems to be working through them, and coming out the other side. She is "posh" in that she goes to an Indy and speaks received pronunciation with a Surrey overlay, , couldn't be worse really! But she is lovely (I would say that of course), very accepting of all, has lots of friends of all backgrounds, from drama outside of school, and is, actually, just as worried as being accepted or finding friends, as anyone else's DC's would be, regardless of background. Does that make sense? I hope so.

I’m really glad to hear that, bend. Once she can visualise her accommodation, etc, I’m sure it will help her look forward with optimism. Also, I wasn’t aware there was any difference between unis such as Exeter or Durham or Bristol in terms of “prestige.” It’s more about the specific courses, surely? Ok, Durham has the old buildings, but Exeter has the beach .

Good on her @bendmeoverbackwards - she sounds so resilient, you must be so proud of her.

A little out of date, but this table shows most of our DC's will be at "posh" (god, I hate that word), universities:

thetab.com/uk/2019/09/19/uk-private-school-universities-125931

@Chilldonaldchill

Good on her *@bendmeoverbackwards* - she sounds so resilient, you must be so proud of her.

You should have seen her last night, she had a bit of a meltdown. Was very angry and of course as Mum I was in the firing line. I know she wasn’t thinking logically but she said she didn’t know what her thoughts were on anything any more as she was too influenced by me. I’ve always tried to tread that thin line of being supportive but letting my dc make their own choices. In the last few weeks I knew relying on Durham was dodgy which was why I kept reminding dd to keep Exeter in mind.

Us mums are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.