Oxford and Cambridge current students

[sandybayley]

Nearly filled up the old one...

This must be worrying, but it sounds salvageable and from what you say, they want to support him, so fingers crossed for a good outcome.

What has he been doing instead of studying?

So sorry you've been going through all this @Cliff1975, it must have been so stressful dealing with it from a distance. The fact that it's now out in the open and he's getting some support, while there's still chance to salvage things, is really positive though, as you say.
One thing that occurred to me when reading your post was to wonder whether this tendency to procrastination/going into denial about what he needed to do represents his usual personality, or whether it's very out of character? If the latter, I'd be concerned that he may be struggling with some mental health problems or even issues with alcohol or other substances....it's been such a difficult year for most young people. If that seems a possibility, maybe it would be helpful for him to talk to his GP or to self-refer to mental health services if he hasn't already.
You have nothing at all to feel guilty about, but I can completely understand the feeling of devastation and anxiety about how close he may have come to jeopardising his degree. Hope you have lots of support and people to offload to; let yourself have a good cry if you feel like it.

Oh Cliff so sorry you have been going through this. It has been such an incredibly difficult year for everyone. My D had a much more traumatic first term than we realised at the time - well, we knew obviously that it was difficult, but had not really appreciated the effect it had had on her until she was home for last term. The workload is such that it can very quickly become overwhelming if you fall behind a little bit. It's so easy, when they have all been so isolated, for them to imagine that everyone else is managing so much better.

@Cliff1975 - really sorry to hear your DS has had such a difficult time. But it is good that you now know and that the college contacted you.

This has been such a difficult year. I'm sure all colleges are keeping a closer eye than ever on students, which is a good thing and one of the benefits of the college system.

Sending a hug @Cliff1975. We were there in 18/19 with our eldest, no parental contact at all from his Uni ( though his tutor, student support and flatmates were all doing their best to help). I think its a brilliant thing for his tutor and DoS to have reached out and hope the situation is redeemable.

@sandybayley, I agree but I would welcome a bit less posturing vacuous statements at C on not tolerating micro-aggression, raised eyebrows from tutors etc and a bit more genuine pastoral care. Many colleges seem to be still being heavier handed than the regulations demand. They might find that students allowed to mix, eat, socialise and do sport together are bit more resilient to the demands of the courses than if they are quasi-imprisoned and isolated.

We spoke to DS last night and he is very happy that his college are allowing them to stay on for a couple of weeks at the end of term so they can make up for some of their missed social life.

He is in his 3rd year (of a 4 year course) but lots of his friends have had finals. They've really missed seeing each other and I'm impressed that college have recognised that.

@Cliff1975 I'm sorry to read this but as others have said, they want to work with you and your DS which is positive. This year has been completed odd, so the fact that they are even getting by is a triumph.

All is definitely not lost. DD has never really had work to do over the summer and her course is quite full-on. Could you perhaps spend time with DS working out what has been missed and then perhaps he can use some time to catch up?

If you want to PM me, feel free. When DD has had issues, I have found the staff in her college to be supportive and on the ball. I hope your DS finds similar.

Cliff1975, I'm so sorry to hear about your DS. What a shock for you. However, it's very good that his DOS got in touch with you and that it's all now very salvageable.

Like MJB suggests, it depends on whether procrastination and feeling overwhelmed by work is an ongoing thing for your DS or a first-time one-off.

If the former, do you think your DS might have benefit from regular support from the student disability centre who I think would provide help with structuring work, setting small, short term goals, checking in regularly so he can 'report back' on what he's achieved etc etc? He might need some form of assessment to merit this or maybe his DOS - depending on how good they are - could provide something similar just to help him through this for now.

If it's an unusual problem for your DS, there are all kinds of reasons he may have struggled to get on top of things and then been too afraid to admit this even to himself - not least because the expectations at Oxbridge can be so high . Additionally, it's been the most difficult time ever for students with no easy social network, no diluting of work pressure having fun with peers, endless isolation and assumptions made about how everyone else is doing and comparing yourself negatively.

In 'normal' times, Oxbridge seem to expect students to manage an insane amount of work for some subjects and get to grips with volume as well as very challenging levels of academia. Many students take at least a whole year even to begin to find a way through. This was certainly the case in my day as an undergraduate. But these are not even 'normal' times.

I hope things get much better for him and remember, he wouldn't have got a place if they hadn't felt he could manage. So his college must have really wanted him and will benefit if they invest a bit more support in him at this point, so he can reach his potential.

DD says they're having a party, music, dancing, in her corridor. Makes it hard to study and the library shuts at midnight, so she has to put up with it until the early hours.

Happens 2-3 times a week.

cliff1975 I hope things get better for your DS. DD is at Oxf, but they (college tutors & chaplaincy, GP, course tutors and university support services) have been so helpful and supportive when she was having a wobble. Just knowing that she has a support network has made a huge difference.

Speaking of the golden only daughter she hands her final 1st year work in on Friday. It has gone so fast.

@cliff1975 I'm going to send you a DM.

All fairly cheerful for the Pant offspring. DD1 has been in her first rowing competition and did fairly well; DS1 is enjoying the improved social life, though is as behind with his work as ever. The sun seems to be shining in both Oxford and Cambridge which is making everyone feel a lot happier, I think.

I'm sorry to hear about your DS's work difficulties, Cliff. I think if I were you, and if he were amenable, I would talk through his syllabus with him in some detail and pinpoint the areas that are causing the difficulties so you can come up with an action plan together for catching up. In my experience it can be quite helpful to educate yourself about a topic. You can then act as a sounding board and a willing pupil on the basis that it helps to understand something if you have to explain it to someone else. It has been so easy for people to drop off the radar this year: DS tells me that in his college four freshers alone have rusticated this year, which sounds like a lot.

Lovely to think of our DC enjoying the sun and (mostly) finally having the university experience they dreamed of. I hear from DS infrequently. It's usually to discuss some aspect of his course but I do get snippets of news about rugby (going very well) and social life (ditto).

That's tough Cinnamon. lack of sleep makes everything that bit more challenging.

Cliff you've already had good advice. I hope things feel brighter this week.

We visited dd yesterday for a walk and lunch. Third year Exams start next week and she still has something like 8 supervisions before them, so it wasn't the most relaxed time but she's bearing up. Fourth year depends on them getting a First (or getting support from the DOS to carry on if they narrowly miss it.) I'm nervous for her, nothing is every guaranteed and especially not this year.

Fingers crossed for her OYBBK

What Unescorted said OYBBK.

Cinnamon maybe it will stop with a bump now exams are starting. DD had a serious issue with noise (middle of the night opera every night in the room directly overhead) & decided to move to a slightly smaller room vacated by an overseas student. She decided it was worth the hassle & she is getting far more sleep.

Fingers crossed @OhYouBadBadKitten - that was us last year!

DD's exams start today. She only has 3 of them: today, Wednesday & Thursday then that's it. She still managed to find time to watch the Champions League on Saturday and play football against another college's choir yesterday. Apparently the DoM thought she was rather good (according to her). Her bf must be quite a good coach!

I am dropping off some clothes to her on Thursday morning before going on to collect DD2 who has finished. I was worried about disturbing her but she said if she doesn't know it by then, she'll never know it and as the exam doesn't start til 12.30, I am fine to pop in mid-morning. I am planning to stay over closer to her for a bit of a break tomorrow evening so I don't have to set off too early. Must sort the booking...

Fingers crossed for your DDs @OhYouBadBadKitten and @Malbecfan.
DD finished her exams last week. I am going to Oxford on Thursday and taking her summer stuff ready for all the events that happily are now going ahead.
DS has an exam today, two more this week and then another next week. So I can’t quite relax yet!

DS has now started his exams and is having a crisis of confidence. He has submitted the first one- well below the word count 900 and 600 words instead of 1500 and 1500. He sent us what he has done and (not that we know the subject) it seems well written and there is no waffle so just hoping they can see his potential. Will that be enough? THe main aim now is to keep him going for the next 6 days of exams. Had to be firm with him and have told him he must give his best, he can fall apart when they are done and we will be there whatever - sounds harsh but if we go softly softly at this stage I think he will falll apart and do nothing.

Check your PMs Cliff.

@Cliff1975, I hope your DS gets through his exams ok. Are these 24 hour exams? I think it is a terrible format for first years. My DS finished his second 24 hour exam at 12 noon today. He messaged to say he is exhausted and is dreading the next 48 hr marathon. 48 hours! These exams might represent an ability to survive an endurance event but I doubt they will reflect his ability in his subject. I also worry that some DC will be struggling alone in their rooms and who will know?

@Cliff1975
I think the most appropriate advice at this point is for him to keep calm and carry on. He can only do his best, and it's better to submit something than nothing at all. Then once the exams are over he can focus on recovery and reflection.

Nothing to add Cliff, except sympathy.

All the very best to your DD OYBBK after the difficult year and the supremely unhelpful college. And obviously all the best to DD1 Malbecfan!

THat is exactly what we have said to him, focus on each exam, be methodical, eat and sleep and save everything else for when they finish. This carries on until next Tuesday - it is going to be a very long week! I really don't understand why they have made them 24 hour exams surely it would have been better to have them 9-5 and encouage them to rest in between - but then what do we know!?