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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DS seems miserable about starting Uni

97 replies

UntamedWisteria · 29/08/2020 10:03

Following the fiasco this summer, DS got his insurance choice of Uni. He had his heart set on his first choice but was one grade short with his CAGs.

Where he's going is a very long way from home, and he just doesn't seem excited or enthused about it - says he's still considering a retake & gap year, although knows that's not a great option either. Term starts in just over 2 weeks' time! He's done nothing to prepare (but still waiting to hear about his accommodation)

I know he feels cheated out of his first choice by the system - although had he worked harder he'd have got a better CAG - and he's lucky to get a place at a good Uni, as some of his friends have been forced to defer by the system.

But he only chose this place as he had to put down an insurance choice (even though it is a very well regarded Russell group uni). He has visited the city and liked it - but the problem is it's not where he wanted to go.

I'm worried about his apparent lack of enthusiasm and interest, not sure what to do or say to help him.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 29/08/2020 10:10

Why isn't a retake and gap year a great option?

He could just be generally scared. I was TERRIFIED when I had to leave home. An absolute wreck.

Enquirer20 · 29/08/2020 10:15

In my view, uni can be a life changing experience in either a good or bad way. If you go somewhere you like, enjoy your course and make good relationships it’s an amazing experience. However, if you don’t like it, struggle or feel isolated it’s a nightmare. I think perhaps it’s worth thinking about gap year and resit at least.

KingscoteStaff · 29/08/2020 10:15

Has he visited, @UntamedWisteria? Is there a chance you could do a lightning visit next week?

Original poster
UntamedWisteria · 29/08/2020 10:16

Retake is risky - essay based subject. Entry likely to be more competitive in 2021. Might need higher grades?

Gap year - jobs for unqualified teenagers very thin on ground. Travel options very limited.

OP posts:
Original poster
UntamedWisteria · 29/08/2020 10:17

He visited the city a coupe of weeks ago and liked it.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 29/08/2020 10:23

How similar are the courses?

Could he perhaps think of it this way: go now, work hard and do his best to have a great time, but if he doesn't like it by the end of the year (I bet he will) then he can apply to join the second year of the other course?

quest1on · 29/08/2020 10:28

Sorry to hear this Untamed. Are you able to say which uni it is - maybe people can give positive experiences / insights?

He’s probably just totally overwhelmed. I always think it’s crazy that they find out where they’re going in mid-August and only have weeks to get their heads around it. This year has been ridiculous. I’m sure it isn’t helping that he can’t visualise his accommodation yet either. When are you likely to hear?

Original poster
UntamedWisteria · 29/08/2020 10:35

It's Edinburgh. Fab city, great reputation, but he just isn't keen.

We live down South and it's a long way to go (although his first choice Uni was also quite far away).

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quest1on · 29/08/2020 11:01

I remember having a feeling of doom before I went to uni, but once I got there I never looked back. Literally from the first day Grin

Edinburgh is a great uni and chances are he’ll have the time of his life. I’m not sure there’s much difference between other Russel Group unis to warrant a gap year really? Unless he’s absolutely determined on the Oxbridge route, I don’t think there’s any significant “reputation” differences between Edinburgh, Durham, Warwick, Exeter, Bristol, etc etc and the experience all depends on who you meet there anyway, so totally unpredictable. I’ve heard another good thing about a Scottish unis is that, even though degrees take 4 years, the first year is a bit more flexible and relaxed workload-wise - could be a positive while he’s trying to find his feet?

MarchingFrogs · 29/08/2020 11:15

But he only chose this place as he had to put down an insurance choice

Bit late now, but, um, no, he didn't have to put down an insurance choice, if there was genuinely nowhere else he wanted to ho to other than his firm.

It is very difficult to second guess the future, though. Awful for him (and a waste of his 'gift year' of funding) if he goes, really doesn't settle into the course / university/ city and drops out part way through the year. Equally awful, if he sits the exam, doesn't improve his grade and potentially wastes a year. Or sits, the exam, improves the grade, but still doesn't get in. Really awful, though, if he sits the exam, improves his grade, gets into his 'dream university'- and finds that it isn't, after all.

Knowing that there are others who would give their eye teeth for a place at Edinburgh doesn't help much, if he really doesn't think it's for him, but I would say that liking the city itself (even without the dubious benefit of it being full of students at the moment) was at least encouraging?

Original poster
UntamedWisteria · 29/08/2020 11:26

Bit late now, but, um, no, he didn't have to put down an insurance choice

That's not very helpful, is it? He wasn't able to make any offer holder visits to the 2 other Unis he was considering because of lockdown. He chose Edinburgh because we advised him it was a more interesting & exciting city than the other Uni he was considering, Manchester.

And id it hadn't been for Covid, then without an insurance uni there wouldn't even have been a resit option.

The point everyone is making are helpful, but they are all things I've already said to him. I'm just not getting through.

OP posts:
titchy · 29/08/2020 11:34

Can he articulate what it is? Is it nerves, fear of the unknown (and not having accommodation sorted won't help that - chase on Monday - not a BH in Scotland), or a genuine desire for his first choice? Are his friends all going off or staying put?

Can he go for two weeks, then quit if he still feels the same? (He'd probably have accommodation to pay, but wouldn't have used any loan entitlement if he leaves within 14 days.)

tryingmybest13 · 29/08/2020 12:06

Hi there - young people have had it very rough this year. I work at a uni (academic) and we are pulling all stops out to try to ensure TLC and support is embedded at every level for new starters (and all!). Moving far away from home can be worrying - and this year, likely even more so!

Does Edinburgh have a UNIbuddy type system - an online chat feature where new starters can chat to current students? There is also the student room website that does have chats between new starters at all unis. Not sure if it would help him clarify his thoughts and feelings, but are peer chats worth looking at?

But if he really isn't keen on Edinburgh, then he could still look at Clearing - though depends, of course, on what he wants and what is out there for his subject.

If none of those are an option, then waiting a year would be fine (though again, he might not want that: perhaps he is conflicted), and please do not worry about grades being set higher - this would make no sense because of the way HE works.

Every year, students do not meet offers (which is why all unis make more offers than places) and have to make these decisions: the pressure is awful, and this year far worse. But I can say that students do often settle at places that were insurances or via Clearing: as some else said - as long as it feels right, course good and so forth. If they do not settle, they do have options to temp withdraw and reassess, or transfer for second year (if uni can accept).

It is an anxious time: but he does have options, even if they all feel rubbish right now.

Gymntonic · 29/08/2020 12:15

Perfectly understand your son's disappointment. It's natural to paint a picture of our futures and with everything online this year and without accommodation/ future flatmates even that's really hard to do. Any chance you and he can get up to Edinburgh for an overnight cheap hotel stay? Something concrete to talk about and see. You could check out private student accommodation too maybe?
Would it be a four year course in Edinburgh? If it's really not for him then that money saved would offset the lack of gap year work maybe?

Newgirls · 29/08/2020 12:23

We are in a similar position here

Today dd is planning to go and maybe drop out. It is proving impossible to get through to the uni by phone to ask about costs/timing - I guess she is not alone...

Could he do that? Do a week there for ‘orientation’ and then bail? For somewhere like edin they may be flexible on costs etc as they will be able to fill his place?

Zippy1510 · 29/08/2020 12:26

Edinburgh’s a great city. But so is Manchester and sounds like it would have been closer to home? Can he go through clearing and check other universities he’s interested in if the distance is a problem?

tryingmybest13 · 29/08/2020 12:35

@Newgirls - the key thing is student finance - the cut off point to withdraw before fees are charged: "If you withdraw before enrolment, or within the first three weeks of your course start date, you will not be charged" But student must complete the perm. withdrawal process at their uni to ensure no charges.

Original poster
UntamedWisteria · 29/08/2020 12:37

Thanks all for the advice. Lots of great suggestions here. There's nothing left in clearing that would suit him. He's a bit more upbeat this morning than he was last night. Going to have a long chat later today and try to get to the bottom of it.

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tryingmybest13 · 29/08/2020 12:40

@UntamedWisteria I wish you both all the best. These poor young people! Unis could see this car crash coming...

CaptainMonkey · 29/08/2020 12:41

Hi op, it sounds like he has a general feeling of unease rather than anything defined - kind of a 'hunch', if you like.

Sometimes hunches are worth paying attention to, sometimes not: it depends on what's prompted them. Maybe worth bearing in mind that hunches are based on how we feel now ie our experiences that have led us to this point which in your ds's case includes pandemic, uncertainty and disappointment.

Obviously these three aspects are not the whole story, but it may be worth him trying to figure out the specific thought processes that are making him feel unease. Like, what is his biggest concern, and what are the sub concerns within that? Eg, is it because his first choice had the perfect course for him? The perfect environment? If so what were the elements that made it so? How much of an implication does going somewhere without these elements have, short and long term? Are there any aspects at Edinburgh that are similar? To what extent and again what are the implications of the differences?

Or there may be other considerations entirely. But whatever the considerations are, I think separating them all out and working through them could provide him with an indication as to what decision to make.

Gymntonic · 29/08/2020 13:11

Also get him to look long and hard at whatever study materials and welcome pack the department has sent. If the course really isn't for him then I'd take a year off. Both these universities will still be there in 2021.

CrazyToast · 29/08/2020 13:28

Why doesn't he defer for a year, then he can keep his offer but still retake the exams and see how he does? Nothing to lose.

Redwinestillfine · 29/08/2020 13:31

I don't blame him. Uni in COVID times is likely to be underwhelming. I would use the time to retake.

MissCharlotteBartlett · 29/08/2020 13:46

He chose Edinburgh because we advised him it was a more interesting & exciting city than the other Uni he was considering, Manchester

Well, that's your opinion and you're wrong
Will he have to pay for a full term's accommodation if he quits in the first few weeks?

burnoutbabe · 29/08/2020 13:51

@HollowTalk

How similar are the courses?

Could he perhaps think of it this way: go now, work hard and do his best to have a great time, but if he doesn't like it by the end of the year (I bet he will) then he can apply to join the second year of the other course?

he can't just transfer to another course, especially one he didn't get the grades for in the first place.

he could maybe apply for the first year but thats about it .