DS seems miserable about starting Uni

[UntamedWisteria]

Following the fiasco this summer, DS got his insurance choice of Uni. He had his heart set on his first choice but was one grade short with his CAGs.

Where he's going is a very long way from home, and he just doesn't seem excited or enthused about it - says he's still considering a retake & gap year, although knows that's not a great option either. Term starts in just over 2 weeks' time! He's done nothing to prepare (but still waiting to hear about his accommodation)

I know he feels cheated out of his first choice by the system - although had he worked harder he'd have got a better CAG - and he's lucky to get a place at a good Uni, as some of his friends have been forced to defer by the system.

But he only chose this place as he had to put down an insurance choice (even though it is a very well regarded Russell group uni). He has visited the city and liked it - but the problem is it's not where he wanted to go.

I'm worried about his apparent lack of enthusiasm and interest, not sure what to do or say to help him.

That’s good advice duckbill

Getting through on phone is proving tricky though - my dd has been trying for 4 days. They are so unprepared for this chaos.

But @titchy - would they not still be obliged to pay for the first year's halls or rental, despite dropping out?

Yes. Although if there is a waiting list for accommodation the room could be filled quickly and the student released from their contract.

Still usually better than staying then losing an entire years fees and maintenance entitlement though.

The new legislation in may says they have 28 days to get out of accom. Well worth reading the websites - all change!

@Newgirls - that is good to know. I just suspect DS2 might have a wobble, so want to be prepared if it happens.

DD was very wobbly last year about going.
People on here were saying how excited and enthusiastic their dc were and I was thinking that if I'd said to her "don't go" she would have jumped at it with relief.
I wouldn't say she went and loved it, but she's been fine. She is finding the thought of going back difficult, because she's been out for so long, but she did also get upset when she realised that she wasn't getting back for the rest of her first year.

Part for her was that she was going a long way away so she knew a term was going to not involve nipping back home, or us dropping in. We did say (and we did) that we'd visit her at February half term.

This year is difficult because they're not just facing the change in going to uni, but they've also got to deal with covid-19. So they might end up stuck because lockdown comes back, either locally (yours or there's) or nationally. They can't necessarily leap on a train either because of Covid. They have the worry of them (or a flatmate) becoming ill.
For the less sociable ones as well, the fact there will be less opportunity to socialise will effect them in making relationships. For someone who is happy to invite anyone back to their room, they'll often make relationships easily. For those who are less socially inclined, then friendships tend to come more through societies and common interests-which may just not happen.

What I've promised dd is that if there looks like a threat of lockdown we will, if at all possible, come to collect her. If the uni looks like it's closing, she can come back straight away. And if she needs anything, then we can post it etc.
It's some comfort to her.

My DD was a bit wobbly about going last year (Cardiff), we gee-ed her along, she went and hated it. Dropped out before Christmas. It felt like a disaster - she was really down and felt a total failure. She reapplied for this year and was immediately offered places at Bristol and London. In the end she turned them both down and is going to uni in Paris (where we live) - again she got into her first choice and is genuinely thrilled about starting next week (in a way she never was about Cardiff). Based on this experience, I would be much more relaxed about taking a year out if not sure and indeed I am advising my DS to do exactly this if he feels he needs time to make up his mind next year. DD didn't consider one because she didn't know what she would do and we tried to jolly her along thinking she would be fine when she got there. I don't know what grades your DS has, but if he has a place at Edinburgh I imagine they are pretty good (DD had 14 in the French Bac - UCAS equivalent of AAA). The advantage of applying with grades is that you get an immediate response - in fact you can pretty much tell before you apply whether you will be accepted. An impromptu gap year need not be a disaster - long distance travel is probably off the cards, but there may still be opportunities to get a job, work experience or do some volunteering - basically to be resourceful and learn a bit about yourself. A year is nothing at 18 - so many people DD met at Cardiff last year had had a year out, many not doing much. There really is no need to rush in if it doesn't feel right.

One slightly unrelated thing I would say to all those with first-years starting who are feeling a bit unsure but want to give it a go - sorry for the slight tangent but it seems like there are a few parents with students in that situation on this thread, and it's important to try and spread the message. I am also a lecturer, and like a PP said, we are trying to do everything we can to amp up support for first-years to help them settle in, make friends, and make a good start on their courses despite the complicated situation this year. I hope that students will find that although things are different this autumn, they are still supported as fully as we can manage it.

However, it is very hard for us to help or support students who won't talk to us. Every year I have first-years who do come to the 'meet your personal tutor' (or whatever the equivalent is called at the institution) session at the start of term, and so already know who I am and are more comfortable coming to talk to me when the wobbles set in around week 5/6, and can get the extra support they need. But I also have students who don't come to initial meetings, & who ignore emails asking how they are and whether they're settling in or have any questions, and then if they feel overwhelmed later, it's then much harder to ask for help because they feel like they don't know who to talk to. We will always try and find them if they drop off the radar, but there will be a limit to what can be done (we can't force them to talk to us!) So please encourage your first-years to keep an extra eye out for contact this year about who their personal tutor is, and to take up invitations to meet them at the start of the year even if they think they have nothing to say in any initial meeting - it really can make a difference later.

Dienara - you sound fab. My dd is having wobbles and can’t get through to anyone at the uni. Surely not having any face to face will make spotting struggling students or building a rapport harder? I am sure some unis are good at this but I have to say hers so far is not (Scottish)

@Deianira - thank you for that advice. DS2 has ASD which causes social anxiety as well as challenges to managing his workload. I have encouraged him to make contact with every single source of help available at the start just so that if he needs them, they are aware of his situation - personal tutors, counsellors, welfare officers, student buddies/parents etc (not sure what peer support system his uni has, if any, yet) He really didn't want to - wants to feel everything will be fine at all times, but I might show him your message in case it's more persuasive than his mum.

This is such a helpful thread, thank you x

@Newgirls - To some extent, yes, I and some of my colleagues are concerned that it may, which is why it's especially important to encourage students to reach out to us. However, it's worth saying that even if classes are online, we will be able to spot students who have e.g. stopped turning up or participating in that medium (or who never post on discussion boards, aren't submitting work, etc.), and so can still get in touch and ask if everything is okay - not being in the same physical space absolutely doesn't mean that we're not having any interactions with students. If anything, we are likely to be more keen to chase up students even earlier than in previous years, given the situation.

@monkeyonthetable I really think it is a good idea for your DS to just raise this with his personal tutor - he doesn't need to tell everyone teaching him, if he doesn't want to (i.e. module tutors etc.), but as you say it just means that if he does start struggling later, he can refer with his personal tutor to a conversation he has had earlier, explaining things in a less stressful time, rather than needing to start from scratch by explaining everything in the midst of a difficult period. It also means that tutors can know to keep an eye out for him if that would be useful - e.g. by checking in at the midpoint of term rather than waiting for him to check in with them. I have a few students on my slate who I do this for, for all sorts of reasons - but I only know to do it because they've let me know that there may be an issue. Then, of course, if we check in and everything is fine, that is always very good to hear too, so he doesn't need to worry that he would be wasting anyone's time to just have a chat, even if he then doesn't end up needing extra support!

That’s a very reassuring comment thank you

I wish I had taken a gap year. I really, really wanted to- my parents were utterly opposed. I ended up failing my first year after a fairly spectacular mental breakdown which I'm quite sure could have been avoided if I had been able to pause and be sure that I was doing what I wanted to do and not what other people thought I should do.

So, really, as your DS has decided he does want to go if he lives in halls- mostly what I wanted to say @UntamedWisteria is that it is so heartening to see parents like you, paying attention to what their DC are really thinking and listening to them and working through things with them rather than taking an inflexible and directive approach :) I hope your DS has had good news about the halls and that all goes well for him.

Thanks so much @unmarkedbythat - He is happy with his accommodation offer which is in a nice central hall and is now starting to plan for the start of term - so we are all feeling much more positive.

I’m glad to hear things seem sorted. I hope h has a great time, even if things will be a little different from normal.

@UntamedWisteria Glad to here he's pleased with accommodation. My dd feels like she's lucked out on hers - one of the cheapest and looks great - and wasn't one she'd listed. Has your ds managed to find a whatsapp/facebook group for his accommodation or course? DD has felt so much better since she did and through that knows who 3 of her 4 flatmates are (one moved in yesterday to quarantine after coming from abroad). She didn't manage to view any of the induction sessions that were on this week on Collaborate, because she didn't realise you had to book on to them and couldn't do it same day (doh) but gathers others had similar issues so probably hardly any have. They are not essential anyway. She says she's only found out about these things through the whatsapp groups, which she only found out by posting a "are there any groups for my accommodation" post herself (and she's really shy about that sort of thing - had to be egged on and checked by her wee sister).

Our trip to install her is figured out now (complicated by work meeting I can't miss!) so just getting stuff together now.

My DD got in a real grump before she went to Uni. I assumed it was because she was fed up of being at home and just wanted to get gone.
I was wrong, she was having big doubts but felt she had to go through with it as everyone was so excited for her and had given her money. She was thorough depressed at Uni.
She was home a week later and was back to herself in no time.

If it’s any help, I often visit Edinburgh and I think although not his first choice when he gets there he will be quite surprised. It’s a vibrant city with lots of different things going on and a it is a good university, (I have a few friends with children there and they all love it) after a week or two I’m sure he will enjoy it too.

Ds is having a major wobble about going this year. Actually I say wobble but once he got the frustration out his arguments were well thought out.

It may be too late anyway but he has emailed his dept to say he is considering it and what would be their attitude to an application at this late stage.

He is an extrovert in the sense that he really likes meeting new people and he is worried about being stuck in his room all the time and just generally thinks it’s going to be chaotic and I think the fact that these new rules are in place for 6 months at least shocked him. Of course that could be a bonding experience, but as he has said I don’t need to spend all that money to bond with people if the other experiences are not available

To be fair at GCSE and all through A level he rarely studied in his room, weekends were dominated by trips to the silent room at the local library but the library at his university is closed except by appointment and even his college library is appointment only. He is doing a very unstructured arts subject which he is totally committed to but he just doesn’t want to be limited to a small group which has been chosen for him. Also it’s a bit like being released into a candy shop and told you can look but don’t touch; the university offers loads of opportunities but ‘oh sorry not this year’.

I don’t know what to advise him for the best , I do think he has really suffered through lockdown, missed socialising etc and by that I don’t mean partying I mean general social interaction. His body clock is all over the place and he’s generally quite down which is unlike him, he’s not enjoying life . You could say going will give him that impetus which is where we have been but there’s another part of me that thinks he could find it just as isolating but in a different place especially with all the new rules . He was so confident at school, I think he is really grieving for what’s missing .

This is a bit of a ramble just needing to vent . Dh is useless and totally back in work groove and school just think he should get on with going

Pease - totally relate! My dd was the same. Two weeks of well thought out arguments about why she should defer etc.

He’s right - it won’t be exactly the same. But it might still be far better than being at home (no offence).

The key for my dd was she is in halls and worked out she could pay til November and come home if she wanted. We’d have an argument with halls about accom fees but it made her think she could try it and come home if she wanted. If your son gives it a half term he could still apply to Ucas in jan and rethink.

All a bit drastic but with the ever changing guidelines and lack of info coming from unis I think the students need to feel they have some say in it all!

Good luck to him

I think the argument that it will still be better than being at home is a good one ! He really doesn’t want to lose his place so I think would rather go than reapply. I wonder if he just needs a get out clause. Perhaps I need to check the accommodation contract. Interestingly most of the boys in his friendship group are keen to get on with it , the girls are mostly deferring. Could just be that most of the boys are medics or engineers but it’s an interesting dichotomy.

Course choice might be a factor - seems more science classes will be offered ‘live’ than arts.