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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DS seems miserable about starting Uni

97 replies

UntamedWisteria · 29/08/2020 10:03

Following the fiasco this summer, DS got his insurance choice of Uni. He had his heart set on his first choice but was one grade short with his CAGs.

Where he's going is a very long way from home, and he just doesn't seem excited or enthused about it - says he's still considering a retake & gap year, although knows that's not a great option either. Term starts in just over 2 weeks' time! He's done nothing to prepare (but still waiting to hear about his accommodation)

I know he feels cheated out of his first choice by the system - although had he worked harder he'd have got a better CAG - and he's lucky to get a place at a good Uni, as some of his friends have been forced to defer by the system.

But he only chose this place as he had to put down an insurance choice (even though it is a very well regarded Russell group uni). He has visited the city and liked it - but the problem is it's not where he wanted to go.

I'm worried about his apparent lack of enthusiasm and interest, not sure what to do or say to help him.

OP posts:
Original poster
UntamedWisteria · 29/08/2020 13:55

Thanks CharlotteBartlett, that makes me feel really good about myself.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/08/2020 13:59

With all due respect OP, how are Manchurians supposed to react to that?

Newgirls · 29/08/2020 14:12

Trying - thanks for advice. Is it 3 weeks BEFORE course starts, or after?

Dd cannot get through to her uni. She has emailed. The info online seems to be out of date - surely this year they might like a few deferrals? It’s a top uni.

OP glad he is more positive today. I think he has lots of options and you just listening to him and saying you support his choice will take some of the pressure off 👍

iMatter · 29/08/2020 14:15

I imagine he's nervous about leaving home, particularly since he can't just pop home for a weekend very easily. It's tough moving away from everything and everyone you know when you're only 18 and finding yourself alone somewhere new is hard at the best of times.

(And yes, I know we've all done it and survived blah blah but it is really tough for some people)

Original poster
UntamedWisteria · 29/08/2020 14:45

Gosh people are touchy.

No offence meant to Manchester at all. Just feel that as Edinburgh is a capital city, with the Festival etc it had a slight edge on Manchester. not denigrating Manchester at all which I'm sure is also a great city to study in.

Just my view - in an ideal world DS would have visited both and made his own mind up, but that wasn't able to happen due to Covid.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 29/08/2020 14:53

especially as a Manchester is more highly ranked and beats Edinburgh in the unis graduate employers like to recruit from. This is the issue when parents "choose" unis for their adult children!

24balloons · 29/08/2020 15:10

I wouldn’t recommend enrolling if thinking of deferring, as although your dc may not be charged fees, they will loose a year of Student Finance, so if in the future they need to repeat a year, their extra year of funding will be gone.
We had this happen last year, students enrolling & literally withdrawing in the first week and they lost a whole year’s funding.

24balloons · 29/08/2020 15:10

I meant if thinking of dropping out!

Newgirls · 29/08/2020 15:11

Funding can be moved to another uni though?

tryingmybest13 · 29/08/2020 15:14

@Newgirls After :)

24balloons · 29/08/2020 15:18

You typically get degree years (3/4 or however long the course is + 1 year in case you change Unis after a year or need to repeat). If you enrol for this year without an alternative uni to transfer to and drop out, even after one day, you loose the +1 year.

NameChange84 · 29/08/2020 15:22

Having experience of both cities and being an academic and lecturer myself, although Edinburgh is a city adult 30 something me would much rather live in...the student experience in Manchester is far better. It’s a fabulous city for students. I loved my student time there. It’s a fantastic place to be a student in, truly.

Please don’t force him to go somewhere he isn’t keen on. I see students who don’t settle every single year. The ones who are really miserable with homesickness are usually the ones who chose a university or course because their parents wanted them to.

Far better to take time out and get really clear on what he wants. In all honesty, although results are important, a bit more life experience and maturity goes a long way both with the selection process and eventual academic engagement and achievement.

TheMarzipanDildo · 29/08/2020 15:27

I’m at Edinburgh and I love it (it’s actually really good for student experience/nightlife I think but haven’t got much to compare it too!) but I don’t think it’s a great idea to choose your child’s university for them.

Is he sad that freshers won’t be the same as usual? I can definitely appreciate that.

ScrapThatThen · 29/08/2020 15:32

I find saying 'you don't have to do this' matter of factly when faced with apparent ambivalence helps the other person figure out that they do actually want to do it (it usually inspires irritation and rage but stops the negative thinking...but if someone really wants an out it can also be an enormous relief).

SeasonFinale · 29/08/2020 15:33

as Edinburgh will be 4 years and Manchester is 3 years he would end the same time if he takes a year out. There are jobs out there - DS has 2 (one of which is for Uber Eats and is very flexible and well paid, on his bike). There are places open to visit and he can be flexible. Anyway what I mean is that your DS should be making his own life choices rather than being miserable at a uni he didn't choose and which may mean he would be more likely to drop out.

Topseyt · 29/08/2020 15:42

2020 has been a difficult year, and for now it just keeps on giving.

Some young people just aren't ready to take the step of moving far away at 18. Is he one of those? I was only just about ready myself (far too long ago, it was 1984). The distance from your home to Edinburgh could be a very big psychological barrier.

I take it all the suitable Manchester courses are full and he has been offered nothing he likes via clearing?

I do feel for you and for him. I think it sounds like a gap year either to do resits or to consider other options could work well. This time try hard not to exert influence on his choices even if they aren't the ones you would have made. I know that is difficult, but he is the one who has to live with it.

PS, I can see why Mancunians might take issue with your comparison between the two cities. Manchester and Edinburgh are both fantastic cities. Very different, and with different things going on at different times.

MillicentMartha · 29/08/2020 15:46

I find it hard to work out your reasoning over Manchester being less exciting than Edinburgh as a student! Edinburgh is lovely, but it really depends what your DS wants out if being a student. Perhaps he could take a gap year and reapply to Manchester as SeasonFinale suggests?

ThingDoer · 29/08/2020 15:53

I wouldn't worry too much - it's not particularly good to be too excited! My dd is off to Edinburgh too - was her first choice though - and has found the WhatsApp groups for her accommodation/flat/subject quite useful - feels more ready for it. Has your dad found those too? Has he thought about his options courses? Been some good chat on those for dd.

MissCharlotteBartlett · 29/08/2020 16:07

@UntamedWisteria

Thanks CharlotteBartlett, that makes me feel really good about myself.
Why? I have a different opinion to you about the two cities. And I'm not the one being "touchy"

However, seeing your DC off to university is always a bitter sweet time and must be so much worse in a pandemic.

Newgirls · 29/08/2020 16:19

Thanks! So they have up to three weeks to pull out

But might risk funding (less of an issue if they self fund or move from a 4 to a 3 year course)

Trying it out could be an option op - though an emotional rollercoaster so not an easy option

legallady · 29/08/2020 16:23

Wisteria, my DS is off to Edinburgh too (2 weeks today in fact!) We're London and it is a long way but flying is so quick and cheaper than the train (but not environmentally friendly I know.) Admittedly it was his first choice but he's been nervous about it. He has, however, had Zoom calls with others on his course and in his accommodation and that has really helped settle him. There also seem to be a huge number of Southerners heading north. The person in the room next to him in halls lives about 5 miles away from us and two others went to the school next to his. Hopefully your DS will find out about accommodation soon as that does help. Encourage him to join the Facebook/ WhatsApp groups for his course too. Good luck

Original poster
UntamedWisteria · 29/08/2020 16:48

Please don’t force him to go somewhere he isn’t keen on.

This is the issue when parents "choose" unis for their adult children!

No where have I said we've put any pressure on him to make a particular choice! It is very much up to him.

He asked for our opinions on both Manchester and Edinburgh and we gave them based on our experience of the cities, rather than assessment of the unis, and then he made his own decision.

And also I know friends whose kids have loved Edinburgh, while I know 3 others whose kids all dropped out of Manchester and one close family member had a very, very bad experience there.

So I guess your views of each city depends on your own personal experience.

But that's all a red herring anyway, because at the moment Edinburgh is where he's got a firm place.

OP posts:
Original poster
UntamedWisteria · 29/08/2020 16:53

legallady ThingDoer TheMarzipanDildo

Thanks, your positive experiences are very helpful. Hope we get the accommodation sorted out quickly as I'm sure that will help - it seems Edinburgh sent the offer to the wrong email address, so there's some sorting out to do there ...

OP posts:
Original poster
UntamedWisteria · 29/08/2020 16:56

Everyone suggesting glibly just do a gap year - DS is apprehensive about that because there are very few jobs around and travel options not good.

(Not anywhere near a city, so Deliveroo type job not an option)

He is also worried about making the 'wrong' decision. I have explained to him that there is no right ir wrong, they are just different choices, nothing is irrevocable, he will make the most of whatever his situation is and we will always be there to support him.

OP posts:
monkeyonthetable · 29/08/2020 17:04

OP, I feel for him. It is a much trickier decision to make than it would be under normal circumstances, because, as you say, next year's intake will be fiercely competitive because of the deferrals and retakes from this year.

In your position I think I'd have a long chat with him. Get him to think about his five favourite things to do, from sport to music, clubbing etc and then do some in depth research on what Edinburgh has to offer. May all be quiet right now but the city will open up again eventually. Get him to look at the clubs and societies there. Suggest he goes on TSR to ask current Edinburgh students, especially those from his subject, to share their experiences of the uni and the city.

And remind him none of this is set in stone. He can not go and that's fine. He can go and change his mind - a bit expensive but also fine - better than sticking at it and getting ill with stress or depression. He can have a gap year - it may not be ideal, but even if he can't find a job he could still make the most of it with a bit of travelling and some independent projects - online courses/learning to drive/fitness programs etc. He can defer uni indefinitely and try to get a job. Basically - he has a lot of options. Most of them will be tough because Covid has made starting out in adult life extremely tough for our DC right now. But he still has choices. And if he makes the wrong choice, he can turn around and take another path.

I think it really helps to reassure them that everyone in life makes massive mistakes at some point and if his decision turns out to be wrong, no sweat. Learn from it and make a new one. If it turns out to be fine, that's great. Worst case scenario is he'll meet some new people, explore a new city and get some greater knowledge from his tutors on a subject he likes.