Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

The ABC of university life (2019/20 cohort) - Will NewModelArmyMayhem18 forgive me?

999 replies

MrKlaw · 07/10/2019 13:51

previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/higher_education/3701968-The-ABC-of-university-life-2019-20-cohort-settling-in-we-hope

Hope you don't mind - people have pent up comments about cheese graters and traffic cones to get out of their system!

OP posts:
SchrodingersKitty · 12/10/2019 19:56

Yes, you are right - and thanks for the wine: a good thought!

All is silence from DS now as he has gone to dinner with his college 'parents' (both dads!) in the second year accommodation. I'm sure he'll have a good time, despite his reluctance to go (the much-dreaded 'silent disco' last night was apparently great fun). . . .

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/10/2019 20:01

DS2 has recently been diagnosed dyspraxic too. I'm struggling to get him to engage with disability services and so he hasn't yet got a laptop or printer and he needs to type everything as his handwriting is illegible. Disability told me to hold off buying him a new one until he had had his assessment with them as he may be entitled to some support and they'd also be able to see what software he needs.

He took his desktop but now says it's making a rattling noise. DS1 thinks it will just be a wire touching the fan and will have been a bit displaced with moving it but DS2 isn't confident about opening it up to check and apart from that, his screen is currently sitting in another flat being used for the wii they all play! Hmm

He has no idea how much he is spending and he temporarily has all his savings in his current account waiting for me to help him open up a new savings account.

He lost his wallet last week, cancelled his bank card. Then got wallet back, he hadn't changed his address so his new card came here. I posted it first class on Thursday but it hasn't arrived. He's low on cash so decided that he was going to go into the branch to get money. He decided this at 3.30 and branch shuts at 4. He is more than 30 minutes walk away (in the library working as he has no laptop - see above...), he doesn't have change for the bus.

He's managed to get one of his flatmates to loan him money and I've transferred the cash to flatmate.

He can't go to bank on monday as he is in class all day until 5pm. he has a 1 hour break but that's not long enough to get into town and back.

I said he should take evidence of his address when he goes to the bank so he can change his address, he thinks knowing his address is evidence. Gaaahhh!!

This is just a normal everyday drama in his life and everything he does has a knock on effect to everything else. Usually all caused by his inability to plan ahead and organise himself and understand the consequences of these things.

He constantly loses everything. I know for a fact that he had about £130 in his wallet on Sunday, I then gave him £40 to get lunch (about £10) and to refund his train fare (£29). so he should have had £160 and he is saying he is running low on cash but doesn't know what he has spent it on.

Most of this is the dyspraxia right?

DS1 is completely different so not sure it's just the way he was raised.

DrMadelineMaxwell · 12/10/2019 20:40

A nice visit to York today to see dd. Took a few things we didn't know she had room for, had a nice walk and a family lunch out together and then took her to aldi to stock up on bulky grocery items.
We also left her with a bit of cash as her bank card wasn't delivered, only to get home to find it had arrived while we were visiting.

ZandathePanda · 12/10/2019 22:41

Must be the day for bank cards - Dds arrived too.
She had had a child account for 7 years but, as a summer-born the bank took too long (read: forgot) to automatically change it to an adult one. She wasn’t allowed to go from a child account to a student account before opening an adult one. She wasn’t allowed to go to a branch to do this. She had to write to them to change her email and only then (the next page in online set-up) she found out she had to request a card reader to change her mobile number (both the email and phone we had to guess what she used in 2012).
So we think the new card she’s using now is for the adult account that was closed as soon as it was opened and the newer card today is for the student account that she’s got.
Apologies if you’ve read this far - it was even more painful in real life!

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/10/2019 22:56

I work in compliance so I am aware about all the Money laundering and identity requirements but I still find it all a nightmare. I've ended a 35 year relationship with a bank over identity. Long story short, they denied access to my on-line banking, insisted I go to a branch to reinstate it. They'd closed the local branches and refused to identify me any other way, re-opened a local branch which I refused to go to as it's ridiculous. Following a rule for rules sake as they know I am exactly who I say I am. So I'm a thrawn cow and have taken all my and DHs business elsewhere as have DC.

ZandathePanda · 13/10/2019 00:24

Wax we set up the children’s accounts to support the local town bank. There were two in the town in 2012. One has now been left empty for years the other is....a wine bar!

WaxOnFeckOff · 13/10/2019 00:54

The branch situation is abysmal. They said I could go to the mobile bank. It only visited the local town for 2 hours a week on a day and time when I'd be at work plus I'm sure that the local businesses would appreciate me taking up half the weekly slot trying to get my mobile banking reinstated when it had been cancelled for no good reason in the first place. It was a suspected fraud as I'd logged in from an unfamiliar PC. I confirmed that it was me but that wasn't apparently good enough Hmm

I also worked for them for 10 years but that wasn't good enough either.

Ginfordinner · 13/10/2019 07:25

Zanda we used to have 2 banks. One has been empty for years, and the other is going to be converted into a wine bar.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 13/10/2019 08:29

The banks are a total joke. DS still locked out of his online account because he failed a security test question - the one which asked not his DOB, first school, favourite football team but his overdraft facility. Why would he necessarily remember that (I was with him when he set it up and advised him so suspect he wasn't really paying attention).

It really is getting to the point when it is sometimes impossible to access one's own money!

@MrKlawZandathePanda that sounds painful for your DD. Banking should not be that difficult!!!! Particularly for young people setting out in life.

A big Sunday GRRRRR for all things bank related!

Decorhate · 13/10/2019 08:48

I’ve had issues with work bank for the past month so you have my sympathies.

It’s been lovely to have ds back for the weekend. We’ve had more conversation from him than we’d normally get in a year! And he has bought a uni hoodie so I guess that means he likes it there (though tbh that would have been so uncool in my day...)

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 13/10/2019 09:08

Letter today, DD's student finance application has been processed and approved. They make you apply online, they make you upload additional documents - but the approval comes per PIN-post.

Witchend · 13/10/2019 09:10

DH had an argument with the bank when they told him all the answers to his security questions needed to contain an upper case letter, a lower case letter, a number and a special character.
How many people call their pets "Bunny123@"?

bigTillyMint · 13/10/2019 09:23

Really interesting that a few DC on here have dyspraxia dx. Can I ask if you got them privately? It's just nigh on impossible to get appointments for LA assessments for the kids I work with.

DS had a night in last night - apparently Sat nights are locals night, thank God!Grin

BringOnTheScience · 13/10/2019 09:44

@bigTillyMint DC1's dyspraxia was confirmed by our GP, when DC1 was 16. We'd been pondering it for a while, until DC1 chose to pursue it themselves.

GP suggested that I wrote a letter detailing traits I'd noticed throughout growing up.

Double length appointment had DC1 doing all sorts of simple co-ordination tests. That was it. Job done. GP wrote a letter confirming dyspraxia.

bigTillyMint · 13/10/2019 09:56

@BringOnTheScience, wow - I didn't know GPs were able to give dx! Maybe it depends on where you live? Great that your DC1 felt able to pursue it themself too.

WaxOnFeckOff · 13/10/2019 10:03

bigTilly, DS2 is a bit of a strange case, as a toddler and young child his coordination was really good, learned to ride a bike really young, was good with a rugby ball etc. During primary years onwards his handwriting was always picked up as being poor, he wasn't interested in sports and constantly lost stuff etc. He was always at the top of the class though and we just put everything else down to his personality.

Roll on to his first exam years, he wasn't coping, he did poorly, he was in a depressive state. Discussions with school were non productive, I mentioned dyspraxia, they said no because he can play the guitar... They didn't seem bothered that someone described by primary as a mathemagican was getting 10% at best in maths tests. They agreed for him to type his exams after teachers complained that they couldn't always tell which way up his paper should be.

Anyway, we went to gp as he was in a bad way emotionally and go agreed to refer him, we pursued it as felt it would help with his uni application as well as ensure he got continued support 're his handwriting.

To be fair it didn't take too long, maybe about 8 months? They assessed his motor skills, both gross and fine are in around the 5th percentile and he has hypermobile joints. They were most interested in the impact on his day to day life, things such as would be be able to pack a case for holiday. He can, but he needs guidance and will still forget stuff. He has trouble keeping track of himself and his things too. He is however very clever but his results don't always reflect that. DS1 is a straight A student. I'd say DS2 is naturally smarter. He was very old to be diagnosed and I wish I'd stuck to my instincts rather than listen to school however, having a diagnosis has helped his mental health enormously as he isn't blaming himself so much. If I could just get him to go to the disability service at uni to get the support he needs it would be good. Not engaging is part of the help he needs from them so it's very frustrating. He leaves stuff until it becomes a crisis and I'm trying to say to him that he needs to take any help available in order to make the best of his time.

WaxOnFeckOff · 13/10/2019 10:09

DS2 also took list of things it impacted to GP who referred him to CAMHs initially and they then forwarded that directly to occupational health. He was assessed as a 16 and 11 month old but the final assessment by a specialist pediatrician was after he was 17. They essentially test for everything else that may explain the symptoms and if those don't match then they give a DCD diagnosis. He had a post strep infection when he was about 7, they think that this is possibly the cause of his problem too.

Decorhate · 13/10/2019 10:13

@WaxOnFeckOff It’s interesting how personality & ability can interact with a SN so that it can remain undiagnosed for a long time. Your point about a diagnosis meaning your ds does not blame himself anymore is very important. My nephew was diagnosed with ADHD & reading up on it I realised that probably several of my generation have ADD at least also. It explains so much about underachievement, problems at work, etc.

WaxOnFeckOff · 13/10/2019 10:25

Yes, he is much happier now. He told me he used to sit in his room procrastinat ing but unable to get himself to do things and then hating himself. He copes fine with 3 or 4 subjects at a time but when he had 7 plus outside stuff on top it was just overwhelming to cope with all the conflicting demands. I worry about what job he is going to do. We've discussed that he is unlikely to be able to cope with jobs where many things need done at the same time, jobs that require you to plan and deliver something over a 6 month period, or indeed anything that requires physical dexterity or standing for long periods.

AtiaoftheJulii · 13/10/2019 10:46

It’s interesting how personality & ability can interact with a SN so that it can remain undiagnosed for a long time.

Yes, dd1 didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until university - looking back, it was pretty obvious, but it just hadn't caused her any problems until she had lots of time and had to work out for herself how to structure it.

ZandathePanda · 13/10/2019 12:52

Wax I was going to ask about any infections but you beat me to it. Different thing, but I was reading about OCD and the link to bad strep infections and it’s very well scientifically documented now. It affects the basal ganglia in the brain so has a definite cause and effect. Strikingly there was a set of pictures showing the difference in the drawing capabilities of a child before and after a bad Strep A infection.

It must be more difficult to not come to his aid when you know how his challenges. He sounds very bright and doing well.

bigTillyMint · 13/10/2019 12:56

@WaxOnFeckOff, how interesting to read his history. It is definitely way under-diagnosed/recognised, even when there are lots of boxes ticked when they are young. Great that having a dx has helped him. I guess that now he knows what he is dealing with, he knows how he should approach studying, etc.

@AtiaoftheJulii, great that your DD has a dx now too. Is she managing it with/without meds? It can also be an asset in jobs where you are expected to spin several plates at once, as I'm sure you know!

Decorhate · 13/10/2019 13:08

@AtiaoftheJulii I don’t think ADD/ADHD was really known about when I and my siblings were teens. And before I read up on it, I would have assumed that hyperactivity would be displayed. In fact, from things my mother has said, I wouldn’t be surprised if my grandfather had it too.

WaxOnFeckOff · 13/10/2019 13:13

I just feel very guilty. He had a sore throat but was never really one to moan too much so I gave calpol and left him to it. He didn't seem to be getting better but this was a few weeks later and he wasn't eating well so I took him to gp. They said his throat still looked sore but to give it a while. We came home and I was running him a bath and he had a pee next to me and it was a weird colour. Phoned back gp who said to try to get a sample and bring him back up. It was blood in his urine and high protein levels and they were worried about his blood pressure. We ended up in hospital with post streptococcal glomerlunifritus. High dose of antibiotics sorted him out but I feel bad that I didn't take him to the drs before. :( and if that wasn't enough, now I know that that might have caused issues that will be with him for life.

Consultant was great with him and said it doesn't mean he can't do things, it'll just take longer and as he has little muscle memory, each task has to be relearned if he doesn't keep doing it. He needs to use strategies to keep himself on track.

SchrodingersKitty · 13/10/2019 13:23

DS got diagnosed in his gap year. When we went for the offer holders' day at his college we spoke to one of the college administrators about how he would go about getting permission to type in exams as he had at A levels because of his slow and illegible handwriting. They said he would need a diagnosis of dysgraphia but that it was hard to get without a childhood diagnosis of dyspraxia. I approached a couple of ed psychs in our county and one said the same thing about problems with diagnosing it in adulthood, and the other said she had dealt with lots of new uni students, so we went with her.

She was expensive but very thorough. She took a full history from us, encompassing all sorts of childhood issues, and several reports and initial quizzes from DS. We were all amazed at how many of the dyspraxia indications fitted him exactly, including many things we had just thought of as personality quirks.

We had expected the dyspraxia diagnosis to be borderline, and just hoped it was enough to allow him to type in exams, but he came back as strongly dyspraxic, with it affecting all sorts of areas such as reading processing speed and working memory. He has always said he reads slowly, but since he has done so well at school we always assumed he was exaggerating. (He got 3 A*s at A level in essay-based subjects, with top marks in more than half the papers; managed the gruelling Oxford entrance process; secured a deferred place - which they only give very rarely, etc, etc).

We started the process of engaging with student support in the spring, which was a good thing as they have still not completed his Student Support Plan. It would have been possible for him to have been assessed much less expensively once at uni but given the time scales I don't think they would have completed the process until near the end of the first year.

Having had the diagnosis has been very helpful for DS in lots of ways - he felt it gave him permission to read in audio format rather than conventionally, and he managed to read all of the 20-odd books he was set in mid-August. A lot of his anxiety this first week has been about getting text to speech software set up and working with the uni library systems, which he has finally managed to do.

In some ways it would have been helpful for him and us if he had had this diagnosis much earlier, but I have mixed feelings about that. He has clearly found all sorts of work-arounds, both unconsciously and through re-wiring of brain pathways that he might not have done if he had had this 'label' earlier. He has fantastic auditory processing speeds and memory - he listens to audio texts speeded up and can remember huge chunks of them. We taught him to touch type when he was six and he was allowed to type most of his homework through secondary school, which removed a lot of frustrations he would otherwise have had. I'm pretty sure that he would not have applied to Oxford if he had known about the dyspraxia, as he would have assumed he could not keep up with the workload. I'm very glad he did, as the tutorial approach and the pastoral support will be ideal for him. I'm astounded at how much more he is socialising already compared to at his huge sixth form college.

@Decorhate: yes, the interaction of personality and other factors do seem to mask a lot of these sorts of conditions. When DS was little they used the term 'twice exceptional' - not sure if they still do - to describe 'gifted' children who had other conditions where the two things masked each other and confused diagnoses. I imagine a lot of our DC fall into this category. It certainly seems to be the case that huge numbers of students at all unis are diagnosed with something, many of whom had not been spotted before.

Swipe left for the next trending thread