Our DC are nearly all officially students now (going to university 2019/20) - seizing the moment, spending, socialising, societies and studying!

[NewModelArmyMayhem18]

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[Edited by MNHQ to fix the link]

I was walking around today thinking I have forgotten something, suddenly realised it was the school run, then I remembered no more school runs. I feel all confused at times because the routine is no more.

I’d like to have more time to help DD but so busy at work and tired in the evenings. I suppose at least it keeps me busy and stops me worrying. Got everything she needs now. She just needs to sort her room, clothes she’s taking etc.Was pleased to see she’s got lots of photos printed out including ones of us and the dog. She’s started talking on the college group chats too

Just had a text from ds,he's shattered and having another early night as he has a 9am lecture. He said Sunday will now be his washing day😂

Still nothing from dd2. No idea how she is but assuming she's happy as no contact at all.
I've sent her a parcel but absolutely nothing.
I'm quite pissed off if I'm totally honest but have to realise this is her life and I just need to give her space and wait. I worked 14 hours today and hoping to do the same tomorrow. It keeps my anxiety in check as it stops my mind from stressing.
I've had my last 2dc depart within a week of each other. DD1calls reguarly and although doing ok on the face of it I can tell she's struggling on the friendship front. She has encountered some bitchiness too from a group of girls she got chatting to during a sports society social. I think its knocked her confidence. She seems ok about her course but something isn't quite right. She seems quite angsty which just isnt her. Her flat mates are quite anti social. Her flat is just 4 rooms and a tinybshared kitchen and bathroom with no social space which probably does not help.
Dd2 has had serious anxiety and eating issues in the past. I've no idea if she's eating or anything.

I'm just feeling very fed up and stressed out and im verybpissed off woth myself for feeling like this. ve just put my name down for weekend overtime because i just want to keep my rising anxiety in check.

Oh Gin I hope things settle down for DD soon and that she makes some nice friends. Be kind to yourself too.

I can't stalk DS on social media : he doesn't have any and no WhatsApp even. Damn him.

@GinandManic that sounds incredibly hard for you with your DDs. Cannot believe how unnecessarily bitchy some girls can be . Hope your DD2 is okay too - could you get your DD1 to try to get in touch with her?

Not sure what the solution is with your stress levels but don't do too much overtime. If you get very tired and run-down that won't help.

@icanbewhatiwant it doesn't seem right that your DS is potentially getting less than he should be if your family income has dipped and you've updated info to SFE? DS was expecting his first payment in yesterday (and to pay his first term's rent almost immediately). Hope he gets more rather than less.

Dd is on the case with last minute admin. She seems on top of everything.
She has a few meetings to attend next week but otherwise it's a slow week with lectures starting next Thursday.

Huge fun earlier when she went into her box of stuff that she's packed and she found the 'packet of 3' I'd bought and hidden in there... partly as a joke and partly as a just-in-case. She was amused and mortified at the same time.

Flats without any social space (which can be a medium sized kitchen with a sofa, so it needn't be that much more expensive to provide) are not a good design.

And putting 7 students who already know each other into the same flat? Far from ideal. (Including for them - they may not all even like each other! But also for the one or two others sharing with them. ) It must be possible to have a computer programme which prevents people from the same school/town from being allocated together.

The social side is important to some (?most) students, and I think accommodation and allocation should be designed to promote that.
I think flats aren't necessarily better than the old corridor system, because you're confined to your flatmates when 'at home', unless you really make an effort to put yourself out there. It's good if there's also a general common room in the hall where people can go to watch Bake Off communally, but I'm gathering that many halls don't have this.

GinandManic

I don't think worrying about lack of contact has anything do with anxiety you have about other things. I know dh would be very worried if we hadn't heard anything and D's wasn't replying to texts at all and he is incredibly laid back and not a 'backpacker' in any sense of the word.

If our other halves had gone away on business and we hadn't heard anything at all and they weren't replying to texts we'd worry, wouldn't we?

Why don't you ring and put your mind at rest and tell her to answer texts in future!

x

Well DS is ignoring messages from both me & DH (not opening the WhatsApp message so the ticks don't go blue), so I presume he is fine. Annoying though. Suspect I will hear from him soon when they demand the rent!

Ginandmanic sorry to hear about your dd1's encounter - I think all clubs/societies can have their cliquey elements, so it may just be a question of trial and error. 4 in a flat is not many (again not a great design), and if those there are are not very social, it sounds as though she may make her friends elsewhere, on the course or in clubs (subject to the above!) Friendships with the flatmates may evolve, but slowly.

This thread has made me wonder a bit about the way things are organised. Freshers week creates this huge emphasis on making friends and having a great social life straightaway, whereas in real life we wouldn't expect to have made a best friend at work, or where we've moved house to, within a week. More like years! I worry that the dstudents feel as though things are going badly if they haven't got an instant social circle, whereas in fact, for all but the real social alphas, it's perfectly to be expected that it will take time.

I think universities should do their events week at the end of the first term (and nearing Christmas - what better time to want to celebrate!) when most will have found their people. It is such a huge thing having to throw oneself into being sociable when it's the last thing one may feel like doing. Better for them to just get down to study and coping with the day-to-day reality of being away from home, then party when they are all in a better emotional place to do so.

Newmodel i think I agree. Freshers week is well meaning - come and make friends! - but creates huge pressure on the shyer ones. As another pp has said, they're doing the equivalent of starting a new job, in a new place, sharing at very close quarters with people they don't know, having left behind all their friends and family - give them a break!

Maybe build in a day to register with the GP, have a library tour and go to a faculty social, and then start lectures.

@GinandManic, I think you are justified to worry/feel pissed off. It's an unsettling time for both the Freshers and parents.

I'm feeling that DD was very lucky with the flat she had in halls - huge sitting/cooking area and flatmates she immediately bonded with. What a shame that it's not like that for them all.

Maybe build in a day to register with the GP, have a library tour and go to a faculty social, and then start lectures
I think ds did all that on holders day,bar the registration with GP as he did that on line.

Dd's first maintenance loan is pending in her account apparently. Can i get her to transfer the money to me, then I pay the university the full amount? First payment is about 1300 and her accommodation is 2000, so I need to pay the rest.

DS definitely had some type of mandatory thing yesterday evening (after a couple of geography induction talks/lectures during the day) and has a faculty social (pizza party) on Friday evening. Also the two full-on field trip days this week will be a good bonding exercise (although they are going to get soaked to the marrow if this rain continues...). Enough contact to ensure that he's not spending all his time alone in his room, hopefully.

At least he does has a 'crew' of school friends, whom he has known since he was 11, at UEA with him (he met up with them at some point yesterday). So even if he is being slow off the mark socially, he does have a 'safety net' (which certainly makes me feel better). Not everyone is in such a fortunate position though.

Yes Tillymint, there is so much that can be done with physical design to either encourage or discourage socialising. Yes it's more expensive to make room for a big kitchen.. Obviously I realise bonding/chemistry between flatmates is more a matter of chance! (although universities could avoid situations where 7/9 already know each other.)

My impression is that 'going to university' has a different significance in some other countries - dstudents don't see it as intended to be a fantastic social experience. Maybe I'm wrong - would be interesting to hear from some Euro parents? So there, the majority of dstudents tend more to live at home, or close to home. If we're going to have the culture of dstudents moving away and creating 'a new life', and more prosaically paying substantial amounts to rent, I think universities do need to try to ensure the accommodation and allocation is designed to maximise chances of success!

@Trewser absolutely. That’s what DS will do (excuse for us to message him on Friday - no math department stuff that day). We’ve already paid term 1 accommodation though

Agree so much on the design. DS flat only has small table with four chairs but barely room for four actual plates. So it encourages ‘in-out’ Behaviour rather than ha gong around chatting to others

I do think freshers week can be useful space/time to sort admin, shopping, laundry etc before studies start and they ignore all domestic stuff for a while

thanks @MrKlaw. How did you find out how to pay the uni?!

There may be an argument for having freshers events in Reading week (although not all subjects take one) and many unis have Re-freshers in January where socs and teams recruit. Bear in mind studenst may be expected to stay for Reading week and have seminars or work on projects, it is not a half term break as school.

Agree re poor design of accommodation. The flat dd had been allocated was in a block with no common room (unlike most others) and small kitchen area so easy to get isolated.

@Trewser once DS had the accommodation he got a breakdown of how much the uni wanted. Then on the general accommodation area of their website there was info how to pay. They prefer direct debits but we dont like irregular dates/amounts (just monthly) so we are doing bank transfer. Their account/sort code is on there and Added student ID/room number as reference, and I sent an email to the accommodation department after transferring just to make sure

Then set reminder for the next two - about ten days in advance

Then just need DS to transfer his maintenance loan to us when he gets paid as it’s less than the accommodation