Our DC are nearly all officially students now (going to university 2019/20) - seizing the moment, spending, socialising, societies and studying!

[NewModelArmyMayhem18]

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[Edited by MNHQ to fix the link]

Thanks for the support. He is in that place at the moment where he would probably do the opposite of everything that I suggest, so I am literally having to step back from it all. I feel sick with worry, and sleeplessness, but realise that my fretting won't help anyone. Added to which DH and I had a row last night (because we are both worried and on edge). I'm planning on spending the day blitzing the house in a bid to avoid calling/messaging DS.

@SoonerthanIthought that is a good rule of thumb to live by. Mind you it's like the obsession with jobs too - all part of the same 'sizing up of people' that doesn't necessarily give any measure of them!

Think some people give school details in their FB profiles but many don't.

DS has just gone off - DD in floods of tears.

Though she does roll her eyes when they ask what school she went to!

As per below, I'm quite surprised they do this! I suppose it just doesn't occur to dparents to advise their dc not to - I don't think I would have thought of it if i hadn't been reading here.

Notaflyingmonkey so stressful for you - and waiting for the dh/db update as well. Rooting for your ds. You're right that your being stressed doesn't help, but it is impossible not to! About not messaging ds, does sending him a 'cats on roombas' type photo every now and again help - no pressure on him to reply, but some communication from the outside world? Hope that doesn't sound trivial - it can be useful to have some 'emotion-free' ways of staying in touch sometimes!
Do you think dh/db could persuade him to see a counsellor at univ - it maybe there are people with skills in helping students with asd?

Not what a worry for you. I’d be exactly the same. Sometimes I think that although easy mobile phone communication is wonderful, it means it is very easy to text off messages of woe which as someone said a few days ago, helps the sender feel unburdened but the recipient feel weighed down with worry. My DD doesn’t have anxiety or MH issues but is great at contact when she’s down, less so when things are going well. I really hope things improve for your DS and for you.
mum2eim a lovely post and I agree, this thread has been so helpful. DD does roll her eyes when I say ‘On Mumsnet...’ but it’s been invaluable. Thank you New and everyone else.

What a worry Not I hope things get sorted and a visit sounds like a good idea,so hard for you though.

Does it actually say on the fb groups whether someone went state/private - (naive non fb user here)?

As mentioned earlier it was the first thing that one of ds's housemates asked ds when they started messaging each other,so he was obviously feeling a little like ds too. On FB people put where they went to school on their profile.

@Benjispruce I think it’s our job to be the sponge for the angst. I suppose the reward is feeling warm and fuzzy about the fact that they are unloading it all to us at all 😐

My daughter (privately educated) concurs with the no asking about school thing, and it doesn’t seem to have come up. However she reports that comments have been made about her “posh” accent. She feels she stands out because of this 🙄.

Crazy that the uni plays the data protection/confidentiality card for parents. They’re independent but not as far as student finance is concerned. And surely they can’t be so blind as to not realise some students will find the transition hard and need some assistance from home?

Find it a bit odd that some students have been in accommodation for a week Before freshers and two weeks before studies!

We’re off this morning to bath. We went to bed before DS but I hope that backpack left on the floor of the living room is properly packed. Got bored reminding him yesterday

I went to public school and it was definitely a thing to ask which school you went to. We were all from different counties/countries. I think it was drilled into us the school was an identify/ badge of honour. I also found Dd was asked by public school type parents on open day visits who ‘dismissed her’ when they realised it was a comp. I think their children were less bothered. It just about finding connections like a club/ team. Public schools have connections/ rivalries etc. with each other,especially with sports. Dh (comp) played football as a teenager and had the same attitude to local rival footy teams in the day . He still strikes up a conversation by asking which team do you support - but then he just talking about football!
I noticed Dd asked where people were from - this is more of the ‘identity’ question for her. After all there are thousands of secondary state schools and it would be a bit nonsensical to ask which school did you go to to her.

I didn’t want to comment on the private v state debate but this has reminded me I will tell Dd to expect some students to ask which school she went to and tell her it’s culture thing and don’t think it’s snobby as such.

@notaflyingmonkey oh that’s such a worry and with our kids with ASD when they are struggling the last thing we can say is “go and find someone to talk to to cheer you up” because it’s exactly that which is stressful. And even seeking support from adults is hard. I’m sure I’ve read only this week that Bristol have introduced an option where students can consent to parents being contacted if they access any kind of student support services. That would be so useful. At least it could prompt a visit from family.
I hope your DS settles a bit after the visit from your DH.

Good luck MrKlaw - that will be me this time next week! I agree about confidentiality. Two out of my 4 children have suffered with different issues and I would hate it if I was not informed. When people are very low they actually sometimes can't see that family support is necessary.

I'm taking my DS today. I know I will miss him but I am ready to let him go. He is my youngest so an empty nest now. He seems less prepared than most DC I read about here. He managed his clothes packing - ie empty contents of wardrobe into bag, but spent most time dismantling his computer, then realising that as it is directly connected to the router here it will not work at uni. He insists on taking it, though, and says he will source the missing parts and rebuild. Hmmm.

Find it a bit odd that some students have been in accommodation for a week Before freshers and two weeks before studies!

So do I. If they have nothing to do it must be very unsettling and does nothing to stave off being homesick.

We are taking DD up to Newcastle today, and freshers week kicks off tomorrow.

Totally agree @MrKlaw re data protection. Most parents are actually paying towards maintenance costs so they are very much involved in the contracts the DC have the universities. It is appalling that young people can be left floundering emotionally without parents being called in to help. The whole duty of care shift from school to university is quite shocking.

So surprised to hear that some dparents as well as dc ask other dc they've only just met which school they went to - our inexperienced dteens may not realise there are arguments against doing this, but dparents are a different matter! (It's different if the dc has indicated that they don't mind being asked - see below.)

Also as a pp says, some of the time the name doesn't tell you whether it's state or private - I'm assuming nobody asks 'did you go to state or private school?' Maybe I'm wrong?

Newmodel I always take the same line on jobs in fact - don't ask what someone you've just met what they do unless they indicate that they're happy to be asked. eg if someone said 'my work involves xxxxx' I'd assume they'd 'given permission' for me to ask what it was! Side tracking here...

It wouldn't occur to DD to ask which school/6th form college someone went to unless they were from the same area. She is hardly likely to have heard of any state schools anywhere else.

I wonder if we as parents would be informed if our ds / dd had a serious physical illness (I'm just worrying now lol!). I'm smiling at the idea of my son being asked which school he went to. He would just be baffled and tell them that they will not know it, it is far too small! Similarly the RG uni thing. Ds was going to choose York (RG) or Lancaster (non RG). Lancaster (non RG) won with proximity to the sea and Lakes, a tree in the library, good department and an instinct. Nothing to do with RG. He just liked it and most students do exactly that. Similarly if you like an RG uni or Cambridge, Oxford, etc go for it! I think instinct is normally right!

Yes I think to have a week there before Freshers week even begins runs the risk that some students will become very bored, lonely and homesick. I can see there may be a case for students from overseas having a bit more time to do all the additional admin - opening bank accounts etc.
Those with dc finding it hard to settle, hope things improve soon. It must be so difficult to know your dc are miserable away from home. I really think once work starts things get easier, and also that it can take at least a term to settle in - and that is a long time to be miserable!

@MrKlaw we're getting ready to set off to Bath today too. Wonder if our DC will cross paths at some point. We had knickergate in our house yesterday with DD1 (rightly) accusing DD2 of stealing all her undies. Decided not to spend the last evening refereeing the argument/investigating under DD2's bed and so just went to buy some more. Shhhh, don't tell the backpack zealots, they'd have a field-day.

@Ginfordinner This is exactly dd’s point. I work locally so obviously it’s not out of order for my work colleagues and I to ask each other which schools our dc go but it would be pointless me asking a parent or student on a university open day. Unless there was an agenda.

I have often been asked by people which uni I went to & have a similar reaction (abroad, you won’t have heard of it)

I agree that moving in a week or two before term or Freshers starts is odd. A recipe for homesickness if ever I heard one. I understand the data protection thing but surely if your DC have MH issues they should be asked if they mind sharing info with parents. Perhaps the DC has requested not to.
A colleague of mine had a DD get very ill last year . The uni didn’t contact her even though her DD had sought treatment at the medical centre at uni. DD thought she had flu .Her phone died and she was sleeping all the time. Luckily a flat mate found her phone and rang her mum. Mum drove up to uni and got her to hospital and she had a bad case of glandular fever.
Perhaps we need to have that conversation. Get our DCs to check in each other if there is illness or if they’ve not seen someone for a while, knock on their door.

Knickergate lol . Got additional supplies from Primark midweek as suggested she’d need pants and clothes to last two weeks so she’s not always in the laundry .

I had no idea kids were hanging around before Freshers week,ds would've found that hard I imagine and he's Mr Sociable. It was very well organised where ds was, lots of volunteers took them to the pub for lunch within an hour of us dropping ds off so they could meet people. I just presumed all unis did the same. I'm horrified about the welfare check thing, outrageous considering we are expected to contribute so they aren't independent at all

@Atreus @MrKlaw We are off to Bath today too. Hope the traffic is not too bad. We haven’t decided yet if we will just drop and go or stay for a bit. Depends on what ds’ flatmates are like & are doing

Beautiful day to be in Bath.