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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Girlfriends and Uni

31 replies

Sovienonblanc · 08/06/2019 19:04

DS is due to go to a Uni in 2020. He has had a girlfriend for the last 2.5 years who is lovely and they are both v happy, she 1 academic year below. I’m angry with my DH for trying to persuade DS to end the relationship by Xmas this year so that he may “ enjoy” Uni. How have others handled this???

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Pindlesandneedles · 08/06/2019 19:08

Hmmm my DC are only little but I met my DH before I went to uni. I went he stayed behind but then came to the same city a year later. We’re still together 15 years later with 2 DC. I guess sometimes it works out but sometimes it doesn’t. TBH it’s your son’s decision, what does he think?

ryanreynolds · 08/06/2019 19:08

Handle what? Your DH and his inappropriate comments which presumably refer to shagging other students?

There's nothing to handle with your son, surely that's his business?! He's not a child...!

Original poster
Sovienonblanc · 08/06/2019 19:12

Ryan- yes that’s why I’m really unhappy.my thoughts are let it continue/ fizzle out whatever but DH thinks as his GF is the year below if it goes awry in his first year at uni then it will affect her A level exams

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Original poster
Sovienonblanc · 08/06/2019 19:16

Pindles. DS is convinced she is the one for him but at 17 I’m inclined to think it’s a long shot, but they are both v happy together. Yes it’s his choice but DH thinks it’s unfair on the GF to stay together once he had left for Uni. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic 🤔

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ryanreynolds · 08/06/2019 19:17

@Sovienonblanc I think you just need to tell your DH to back off. Life will happen to your son and his GF and they need to learn resilience to get on with it. Same argument could have been used for his A levels/her AS levels surely?

I have friends that went to uni with long distance boyfriends/girlfriends. Some of them are now married, some split up very quickly, some split up later. All have decent degrees and now successful careers.

wheresmymojo · 08/06/2019 19:17

I just think parents should stay out of things like this....it's not DH's life.

He's had his uni days and got to choose to spend them how he wanted, now DS gets the same.

Original poster
Sovienonblanc · 08/06/2019 19:23

Thank you 🙏 DS and I have been arguing about this as I think what will be will be. His argument is that the GF will be the loser and we need to protect her owise it all falling apart in her A level year will affect her academically.

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Original poster
Sovienonblanc · 08/06/2019 19:25

Sorry typo DH and I have been arguing

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Original poster
Sovienonblanc · 08/06/2019 19:45

DS has casually mentioned he may take a gap year so they can go to Uni together I can’t tell DH that !!!

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Pindlesandneedles · 08/06/2019 20:13

OP there’s nothing wrong with being a hopeless romantic! He sounds very in love and he will only ever resent your DH if he forces the issue. To balance my story my sister went to uni, her bf was a year below and they had broken up within a week. I guess the distance will clarify how your ds feels. And a gap year has many other benefits...

ErrolTheDragon · 08/06/2019 20:49

Your DH needs to butt out. It's impossible to tell how young peoples relationships will pan out. If your DS breaks up with his GF, for all you know she might hitch up with a bad 'un on the rebound, he might fall in with someone less nice - or not. Foolish to second guess what might happen and breakup a currently happy pair.

Original poster
Sovienonblanc · 08/06/2019 23:26

Yes I feel leave them to sort themselves out but DH is really giving me and DS a hard time. We went for dinner with GF parents and DS insisted on raising it. GF parents are very much what will be willbe but DH went on about how they should talk to their Dd explaining that our DS will be going to uni and she can’t expect their relationship to continue, I was mortified!

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BubblesBuddy · 09/06/2019 07:12

They will do what they want despite what your DH thinks. It will probably make them more determined. Why cannot DS take a gap year? Should they both go to the same university? That’s another consideration for the girlfriend! Your DH sounds a pain in the backside.

soulrunner · 09/06/2019 07:20

Her A-levels are 2 years away!! No point in borrowing problems from tomorrow, as my Gran would say. My only concern would be if by trying to go to the same Uni, one of them makes compromises they may later regret, whether or not he relationship lasts

pilates · 09/06/2019 07:20

How embarrassing for you and your DS to bring it up over dinner with GF’s parents 😲. Your DH is overstepping the mark and needs to back off. I would have been fuming with him and having stern words to keep his beak out.

yearinyearout · 09/06/2019 07:48

Nothing wrong with taking a gap year so why would your DH be angry about that? More time to make decisions, he can go into it knowing his results, can travel, and can earn some money before he goes!

BubblesBuddy · 09/06/2019 10:55

The OPs DS is taking A levels in 2020 I
assume then go to university in the same year. They are 1 year apart. Girlfriend goes in 2021. There is quite a lot of growing up to do between now and then. I would see how it goes this year and look at suitable courses for him. Not her. See what they say about deferring. Talk to him about using a gap year productively. Don’t make huge concessions for the girlfriend but don’t make him choose either!

Original poster
Sovienonblanc · 09/06/2019 11:50

Bubbles - yes I agree!
I think the root of it is DH wants DS to aim for Oxbridge and doesn’t want any distraction. Through GCSE’s they have both been really supportive of each other and it has worked really well but I think DH now wants DS to just focus on the future. The GF is predicted all 9s in her GCSE’s and is very motivated which is why I don’t see the need to get involved. DS is ignoring the badgering at the moment but it’s causing arguments between DH and I with him telling me I am wrong to let it continue.

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goodbyestranger · 09/06/2019 12:49

The gf is Y11! This is an absurd level of forward planning by your DH in an area which isn't in his gift to control. The idea of eliminating relationships to give the best shot at Oxbridge is a slippery slope - will DH demand no relationships at Oxford or Cambridge too, as exams approach? It's just nonsense - it'll probably have to opposite effect to the one intended even if DH dresses it up as concern for the gf. If she's predicted straight 9s she'll be fine. GCSEs are almost done and with straight 9s or nearly straight 9s she'll be set for Oxbridge even if she cruises through sixth form and takes her foot off the gas. I really don't see that the gf needs any looking after at all - this is all about your DS and DH needing to back off before things blow up in his face.

fiftiesmum · 09/06/2019 13:20

Whatever they do it will you and DH who will end up picking up the pieces and drying the tears whether it is post split or because the degree studies go pear shape if he puts the gf before his studies especially if gf is demanding of his time

BubblesBuddy · 09/06/2019 18:42

I tend to think that badgering your DS to work will backfire. Nothing is guaranteed regarding university and they might end up separated. She doesn’t sound like a bad influence though!! I would definitely sit back. DH needs to be persuaded to do the same.

DizzySue · 09/06/2019 18:45

I really think you and your DH should stay well out of your DS's love life. Give him impartial advice ONLY IF ASKED you both sound very overbearing.

ErrolTheDragon · 09/06/2019 19:48

I'm beginning to change my mind, and reckon the GF might be better off if they split up now - merely to avoid your DH who is sounding quite controlling.Hmm

Applying to unis with grades in hand, so long your DS can do something worthwhile in a gap year, is a perfectly respectable strategy though.

Pipandmum · 09/06/2019 20:00

My stepson met his now wife at 16. She went straight to uni and he took a gap year. They went to unis over 100 miles apart. They married st 28. I’d have worried if they had decided to marry at 21 but they took their time and grew together rather than apart.
It’s their business and if they drift apart so be it. How does your husband think breaking them up now would be less painful than in a year? It truly is none of his concern.

OnGoldenPond · 10/06/2019 14:32

What is it about Dads of sons, they are always convinced that their girlfriends are out to get their claws into them and "distract" them from a glittering career! Perhaps remind your DH that girls also may have ambitions of their own!

I had this with DDs boyfriend's Dad, convinced that DD would distract him from getting top grades for his place at a Russel Group university as she was "only" studying performing arts. Ignoring the fact that the top drama schools she was aiming at are more competitive than Oxbridge!

All has ended happily, he got his university place, she got a place at one of the top drama schools in the world and they are making a success of a long distance relationship. They are a great couple, incredibly hard working and both massively supportive of each other's dreams Smile

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