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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Can a full time mum do this?

114 replies

RobinHobb · 26/04/2019 20:33

Right. Let me get this down and organise my thoughts. I'd really be grateful for input.

For ten years I've had a good well paying very competitive job. I've done well and been promoted consistently but been completely disinterested in it, just doing it because I had to.

My dream has always been to do a phd in a completely different field (biosciences) but it's never happened. After Dd1 I went back to the well paying high flying job and HATED being separated from her, and so after Dd2 when my employer offered me redundancy with a big pay out I took it with both hands. Now for the last two years I've been a SAHM to DC who are 3.5yo and 1.5yo. Because I was bored and I'm that kind of person I did some OU modules in my subject of interest and loved it.

Last month I applied for a MSc in biosciences at a top flight university in London, thinking nothing would come of it. They have replied and offered me a position this year...!!!

But here is the thing. DH and I agree we can pay for full time childcare while I do my degree out of the payout I got . Our current part time nanny is willing to go full time and the kids adore her. So that's good.

But our nanny can't drive so I would have to drop Dd1 to preschool (where she currently is) at 830 in the morning and pick her up 3pm, 4 days a week, and at 12pm 1 day a week to fit with the teaching time table in term 1. Term 2 is less contact time but I will need to do lab work for the dissertation so I'll still need to be away

I don't know if I can do it. I'll be surrounded by bright 20 somethings, and I'll be running back and forth to pick Dd1 up from preschool which is 90minutes commute away from uni so basically limited to three hours at the uni at any stretch. This is without reckoning with the shitty guilt fairy who will be telling me off for leaving the kids (dd2 still so young!) to pursue my stupid ridiculous degree.

Can I do it? Is it even possible with these constraints? I am feeling like it is impossible to do a MSc with these kind of restrictions. It's a tough course leading up to a phd. They won't do a part time course which would be ideal.

All thoughts and input welcome!

OP posts:
Original poster
RobinHobb · 28/04/2019 13:13

Thanks for the replies
It's a private school so that's why she'll be able to attend reception there.
@stucknoue
That's very helpful. It's kind of what I'm concluding. The timetable for term 1 is quite heavy but then term 2 has less lectures but I imagine more labs etc
I had thought I could do pick ups twice a week; and nanny + cab could do rest of the week (if our nanny doesn't want to get a license). If it doesn't work I'll just get nanny to do it everyday with a cab; it's just for a period of 15-20 weeks or so.

OP posts:
Original poster
RobinHobb · 28/04/2019 13:18

@Chartreuser
A buggy shed? Hmmmmm
If they do that's an idea; although the major thing is that Dd2 (who will be 2yo) will need the car seat as well for the journey there and back (she will need to go with the nanny obviously when nanny goes to pick up dd1)
Best option is cab company to provide cab with TWO car seats - this sounds impossible! Maybe I'll just give them a car seat... get one second hand.

OP posts:
TheBlessedCheesemaker · 28/04/2019 14:01

You will no doubt lurch from crisis to crisis like I did, but things will sort themselves out one way or other. The way we coped was by having a proper nanny to do the main stuff, and an au pair on top to do school runs where necc (and occasionally pick me up from the station/cover for me when I had an essay deadline to meet). Au pair loved it because it was a breeze of a job having nanny around and because they had lots of freedom they were fairly flexible throughout
When I needed extra help.

Chartreuser · 28/04/2019 14:29

We used to have two high backed booster seats that we used for this add I don't drive. We had the decent ones in big family car and easy to manoeuver ones for when I was traveling solo. They were about £35 each

Chartreuser · 28/04/2019 14:31

www.mothercare.com/highback-boosters-with-harness-group-1-2-3/mothercare-advance-xp-highback-booster-car-seat---black/304340.html These ones that have harnesses that can be removed as they get bigger. Even my mum could work out how to attach them to car!

Original poster
RobinHobb · 28/04/2019 14:38

@TheBlessedCheesemaker
Hmmmm, that sounds kind of ideal. But we don't have space for an au pair and the kids are a bit young. Full time nanny, study in evenings is how it'll have to go. Worried though. When I did my degree (it was a hard course at a top uni) I got a first but I studied weekends and evenings too (I wasn't a fun student). And I don't know how on this earth I will recreate that with two such young DC. I'd need to study hard and the will wouldn't be lacking. Just the time.
For emergencies I think DH will have to rearrange his work; I don't really have any family friends who can help.
It'll be what be it'll be. I'm scared but hopeful because others here have managed - it can be done!

OP posts:
PCohle · 28/04/2019 14:52

It sounds like an amazing opportunity OP and I absolutely think it is doable provided you have reliable full time childcare.

Personally I would definitely look at getting a new nanny. The fact that your current nanny can't drive is causing so much hassle and expense. You have lots of time to recruit someone great.

I can't drive (have failed the test previously) and wouldn't be at all confident of passing by Sept. I would also be worried about how safe a driver the nanny would be even if she did pass, such that you would trust her with your kids in the car.

RevealTheLegend · 28/04/2019 15:14

You can do this OP.

i have just graduated with a Masters in a pretty intense subject alongside having a family and a full time job. I did a similar subject at degree level many years ago, and tbh, as a proper grownup, with lifeskills and some project management experience the masters felt loads easier than the degree. (Though it probably wasn’t)

It is a slog and a lot of work, but it has opened so many doors for me. As a pp said there is a hell of a lot of lurching from one damn crisis to the next, but you cope. And it is so worth it.

Loopytiles · 28/04/2019 15:20

You’re well off and able to afford MSc fees and a FT nanny, and you won’t be doing paid work at the same time as studying. That puts you in a great position.

Nanny driving is an essential criteria.

You managed your previous studies and a challenging job plus parenting, so you will manage the study.

Original poster
RobinHobb · 28/04/2019 18:39

@Chartreuser
Thank you, that is helpful if we end up just buying 2 of them and gifting them to the cab company!

OP posts:
Original poster
RobinHobb · 29/04/2019 15:05

Update! Current nanny has said she is willing to try for her license again and she wasn't that pushed last time she tried a couple of years ago but this time will try to pass it. I've pushed her to sort it out by the summer so we have some resolution on what's going on.
But
She has said if she is going to be sole charge of two kids full time she will need a pay rise. I find this a bit cheeky as we are trying our best to work around the non driving (I've been looking into cab companies) and one kid will be at preschool every morning anyway... and I'm being held hostage by the fact that I trust her and baby loves her.
I think I am being unreasonable perhaps; maybe as full time she is entirely within her rights to ask for more.
All I said was we couldn't justify the expense of a pay rise as if she can't drive we have to shell out on cabs; if she can pass her test we can consider it. I also said to her if cabs don't work out and she can't pass her test we may also have to look for someone else - but I think maybe that was a bit too blunt as she seemed a bit upset by that.
Well - I will start looking at nannies online now :-) thanks everyone

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 29/04/2019 15:33

Work out what the going rate is for nannies in your area and don’t be forced into a raise unless you’re sure you’ll have trouble recruiting...

ElloBrian · 29/04/2019 16:34

I think I would spend the money you’re planning to spend on her driving lessons on a child minder type person who is willing to do pick ups and drop offs only.

If nobody like that is available then I would get a new nanny I’m afraid.

InionEile · 29/04/2019 17:37

I would think the pay rise is only fair because you can’t pay enough for trusting someone. It’s worth its weight in gold to have a reliable trustworthy nanny backing you up when you are studying / working full time and your DC are tiny. Be nice to her! As long as you can afford it of course.

I am going back to work & study full time in a couple of months and I’m nervous too about how it’ll work out. Mine are a bit older though (4 & 7) so can go to after school club but it’s going to be tough to make it even for after school pick up because my university classes are in the afternoon and a 1 hour drive away. I’m thinking I’ll also have to go down the nanny route for school pick up at least 3 days a week... trying to figure that all out right now so you have my sympathies!

Original poster
RobinHobb · 30/04/2019 12:54

@InionEile
Good luck! I have gotten an indicative timetable from the uni and now looking at commute, School run, days DH can do, baby's playgroups etc and between me nanny and DH ...it's become a coordination exercise in excel. Sad.
I've gotten hold of two cab companies who can do the run (pretty expensive!) with provided car seats so I think it'll be ok.
It's so complicated! How the hell do two working parents coordinate this?!!

OP posts:
ItsInTheSpoon · 01/05/2019 03:38

Oh great, it is coming together then @RobinHobb - go for it xx

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 01/05/2019 04:49

Perhaps you are not master’s material (let alone PhD) if this is what you are focusing on. Most people manage being a SAHM without a part-time nanny. I did both my master’s degrees without one. And without a husband.

LonelyTiredandLow · 01/05/2019 05:14

Hold on, you are a SAHM with a part time nanny?

I'm so confused that you have issues here. As a single mum with no family support I managed a degree. Imagine how the other side who can't afford taxis or extra childcare feel Hmm.

Yes it is hard when the timetable changes for the 3rd time every term. Yes it is hard when you have to get childcare until 7pm with a week's notice. Yes it is hard when you child is sick and you are up all night with exams the next day or an assignment to hand in. Luckily for you, you won't feel the full brunt of this on your degree. Maybe noticing how lucky you are will help you focus on why you are doing this other than apparent stealth boasting on MN Hmm

Original poster
RobinHobb · 01/05/2019 06:37

@Myfoolishboatisleaning
Well done on your degrees, it sounds like hard work, in difficult circumstances.
The point of this thread wasn't to discuss the part time nanny I have while being a sahm; there are certain reasons why this is and I don't think I will be explaining them here at this point as it's not relevant to this thread. Re whether I am ms or phd material I don't know. I am certainly very anxious about this fitting around the DC who are both young.

OP posts:
Original poster
RobinHobb · 01/05/2019 06:38

@ItsInTheSpoon
Thank you! Fingers crossed I have a plan in place now!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
RobinHobb · 01/05/2019 06:42

@LonelyTiredandLow
Sounds very difficult and well done on achieving your degrees that way.
I'm not stealth boasting or whatever, I wanted input from MN users who had done masters etc on whether I could fit my pre-school run in around the degree. Sounds like the consensus is I can't and I have been looking into alternatives people have suggested taxi /nanny etc
Thanks for the post though. I'm fully prepared for it to be hard and having a nanny from 9-5 doesn't exonerate me from all the mummy duties like staying up late with a sick child etc

OP posts:
InionEile · 01/05/2019 06:46

You both sound very bitter LonelyTiredandLow and Myfoolishboat. Clearly doing your degrees without the support of friends, family or a husband has given you both a lot of anger and resentment.

...so maybe you should take your own advice and also focus on being grateful for what you have rather than sniping at people you think have it easy. You never know what someone is dealing with in their lives.

Hellywelly10 · 01/05/2019 07:04

You need alternative childcare that meets your needs. Your child will be attending primary school for 8 years. It may be a bonkers idea but can you afford to move closer to the prep school?

AJPTaylor · 01/05/2019 07:08

Nanny Taxi
And yes of course you can do it.different field but I did a masters in my 30s whilst working full time with kids.

Orangepear · 01/05/2019 07:15

It sounds like the distance to nursery is about 5 miles. That's not to far too cycle.

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