Heading towards year 2 exams (uni 2017)

[brizzlemint]

Starting uni 2017 continued.
Tales of radiators, errant boilers, tomatoes and potato mashers...oh and university students.

The medic one was before Christmas. For some reason they go separately. Perhaps they are worried other students will start asking about alcohol poisoning or broken limbs.

Maybe! DDs friend who is a medic has gone on this one, hope they don't spend their whole time being asked to help!

Thank you for asking mint

DS seems to be feeling somewhat better. Although he wasn't around much during my week off we were still able to spend some time together.
We didn't talk a great deal about uni, but what he did say sounded more positive ie he's not going to jack it all, but has lowered his expectations from 2:i to 2:ii and will drop the 4th (Masters) year.

He's been out with his band (gigging and rehearsing) for the past few days and is home late tonight. With DS2 back at school and me working in the home office we will get some quiet time to talk more seriously (it's a balance between providing support and pressure and I will err on the side of support and calm so I don't push him away).

I'm hoping I can find someone to mind DS2 when I take him back to uni at the weekend as that's always a good time to talk.

Overall though, I am no longer as concerned about his mental health.

It sounds like there are some positives there and he's made a good decision about the 4th year. Engineers are so in demand that surely a BEng will more than suffice and his mental health is more important than a 4th year. I hope you get some 1:1 time on the way back.

Aah, Rights, just saw your update and I think he's being really sensible.

Good plan to chat little & often. 🙂

Oh, that's good news,Rights. I've found car journeys useful over the years when you need a chat on neutral ground.

I'm pleased for you (and your ds) Rights

That sounds sensible and positive Rights.

Yes, car journeys and walks are good with DS.

Car journeys no good with my DS - he's usually asleep before we leave our road! 😆

Horse You're doing it wrong. It goes like this "Talk to me or else I'm going to put on John Denver very loudly AND SING ALONG".

Windows down for impact

🤣🤣🤣

Reminds me of the time I offered to give some of DS's footy team mates a lift to a match. When I said they'd have to listen to ABBA's greatest hits, they suddenly managed to grab a lift in someone else's car! 🙄😆

I'm not allowed to tell anybody this but MN doesn't count does it?

My DS likes Abba.

DD used to like ABBA, we had a proper 'party games' party when she was about 12 for which they provided the music. We sung along to the mamma Mia dvd a few times too. I'm pretty sure she got over it though.

Glad your DS seems to be in a better frame of mind now, rights. It's a tough course, and I suspect it can somewhat derail quite a few who've found things relatively straightforward up to A level. However, when we were at the Soton open day, one of the professors rather ruefully told us quite a few don't continue to the 4th year because they get a placement after yr3 and then a job offer.

Donny Osmond has a similar effect with my lads. 😂

Twins ski trip - last day today skiing but all the lifts are shut so they are just relaxing in the room. That's a pity for the last day but part of the risk of skiing so late in the season I suppose. I wonder if they get some ski pass money back.

Just back from taking DS2 back yesterday.
In the afternoon we went to B'ham Art Gallery/Museum and spent a happy couple of hours finding out about B'ham's industrial heritage. I hadn't realised it was a centre for the manufacture of mother of pearl buttons for example.
Wishing all those travelling this weekend a safe journey.

OK, I'm angry

This week DS1 has basically slept, got stoned, played xbox.

I want to go and shout at him as I feel used, instead I'm venting here until I calm down.

I've given him space, I've cooked, cleaned for him, spent time with him when he's wanted to, tried to get him out for walks, made plans.

Pretty much 4 weeks I've had of this. I'm not doing it for the summer as well.

I'm sitting here in my garden office and juggling the home and DS2 and he's just sitting around wasting his days.

I can't even pack up and go and work elsewhere as the car is in the garage, though I could call a friend. I can work wherever there's wifi.

Any advice?

He's vegetarian, which means it's difficult to cook as DS2 is not a big eater of vegetables. I wouldn't mind the extra effort if he was studying, but I want to tell him to make his own arrangements if he's doing nothing else. Maybe I'll just take DS2 out.

Feel like a bloody failure that this is what I've raised.

Rights

I have no useful advice, though I think you are right to wait until you feel calmer before talking to him. Hopefully someone else will be along soon with something sensible to say.

Mine have been cooking all thse own meals and buying teh food (with my money) from at least the sixth form so could you not just refuse to cook for him? if my vegan son can cook his own meals I am sure your vegetarian one can.

Don't feel like a failure - he will probably be fine in the end although it must be frustrating. Is it any worse than my two who have been away skiing for a week (currently at the airport on the way home).

Perhaps tell him he will need to find a job away from home in the summer. I used to work for a month at a children's holiday camp in the UK with room and board provided and rail fare covered and some kind of basic wage. I really enjoyed it.

Oh it's not that he can't cook - it's something he loves to do actually and he eats very well at uni.

It's just something I've always done when he's at home ie I'm cooking anyway and he's part of the family.

I'll calm down.

Rights, do you think there is any link between the getting stoned and the crisis/anxiety?

All I can suggest, without knowing much about your relationship, is that one day you might need to tell him straight about where you are coming from, and make clear where your boundaries are.

It’s his life and his future, so for him to Chuck it away if he must. But he has no right to treat you as a doormat. He is an adult. If he lives in your house or takes your money he needs to shape up and pull his weight. You want to help him launch himself as an independent adult, but cannot be expected to give up your time, your money and your emotional energy if he just drifts and fails to contribute or to support you. Amongst other things he is setting a bad example to his younger brother.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best. It is so difficult.

Rights how frustrating. I too was wondering about the weed/crisis and if there's a possible connection.

I too think you need to have a quiet chat with him about expectations, etc. I think it's fine for them to have some time to relax, but not ok to make you feel you are being taken for a fool. Could you tell him that he needs to get a job (even if part time) for the summer? Would that be possible where you live?

Oh dear. Agree he ought to try to plan something for the summer. I guess he's lost motivation and not looked much (if at all) at internship type things over the summer? There might still be some available at his uni (I know they exist because DD was interested in them but they understandably prioritise their own students). Or something along the lines others have suggested.

But otherwise, maybe he could do some sort of interrailing/backpacking? Visit uni friends in other parts of the country/world?

Rights, it's so frustrating to be in your situation. We never had to cope with drugs but our son was a classic avoider. We would have chats about short term goals such as getting up by a certain time and keeping his room reasonably tidy ( not pristeen!) There would be promises made which would be forgotten time and again.

I would go out to work, thinking he was getting up and get back home to find he'd just gone back to bed for the day.

Getting him to see a Dr and begin medication was the 1st step. The next step was him sorting his CV and applying for jobs. It took 4 months but he got a job as a kitchen porter in a hotel and worked up to being a chef. It was hard physical work and unsocial hours but provided him with much needed structure.
After 3 years he'd got his confidence back and applied for an apprenticeship in accountancy. He's now got a good job with an accountancy firm, has learned to drive, lives independently with his GF and is getting married in 2 years.
This has ended up as an essay, but 6 years ago we were tearing our hair out and so worried about whether he would ever be capable of the things listed above.
You might be in for a long haul, but with your love and patience and some tough love from time to time you'll get there together. One day you'll be reassuring someone else. 💐