Oxbridge Freshers 2018

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

old thread

A chat/support thread for parents of undergrads who have entered the quite frankly slightly odd world of Oxbridge.

Apparently we are parents to undergrads now

DD's scout is lovely (I met her on FaceTime a couple of weeks ago!) always asking how she's getting on and if there's anything she needs, she even brought her some lemsips when she was full of cold last week They have a little chat most days apparently.
DD has done some cleaning work during holidays etc so hopefully having experienced the other side will keep her more than respectful!
It's so nice to know that there's somebody there looking out for them.

Trudged through the pile of rubbish and dropped clothing to get into DS's room but still lovely to see him.

Just catching up on this new thread - haven't been on for a couple of weeks and haven't you all been busy!! Dropped DS in Oxford a day early (as travelled from NI over the weekend) and honestly thought my heart was going to break all the way up to Liverpool for the boat home - DH was sniffy and I was out and out sobbing - really surprised at how hard it was to leave him!! Perked up by going on holiday on the Friday!! First couple of facetimes from him were v tough - he wanted to come home and I was sitting by a pool trying to be encouraging.... but now he loves it and seems to have become part of a small group who are doing lots together and helping each other. He just couldn't imagine that nearly everyone was feeling like him in the first few days and now realises that they were and we both so relieved he's managed to settle... he went to his grandparents overnight at the weekend (wales so handy!) and loved being spoilt for a bit but was equally happy to go back 'home' yesterday. Work is mad mad mad as others have said, but time management improving... as is self sufficiency! Just had 4 messages about sorting clothes for washing, and a tumble dryer -v- airer debate (tumble dryer is £2!!) Also had stressful facetime prior to matriculation where I had to demonstrate how to adjust a bow tie......

DD is still struggling - she's finding it hard to find 'her' people, the ones who aren't thoughtlessly bitchy e.g. going for tea and leaving her standing outside her room waiting for them, not mentioning if they are going out when she has asked them outright if they are going out. The work is ok and she's happy working in her room on her own or in silently in the library but due to remodelling work in college there's not many places to go and socialise and there's no shared kitchen space. Her staircase is made up of 5 Japanese 3rd year's who are polite when she says hello but are very quiet. The societies that she's chosen to join (Harry Potter, Doctor Who, rock society) are nice but of course everyone then goes back to their own colleges and she's the only one from hers to go to them. She's lonely. I'm emotionally exhausted.

That is rough Lucycat. It’s what, Monday of 3rd week? It’s still very early, and I empathise with the loneliness - it took me most of the first term to start rocking and rolling. She’ll feel she’s been there ages because you end up packing so much in to each day and week, but she’s only been around for a month at most, so it is going to take time.

One thing that could help if she’s not doing it already is attending the JCR meetings? You get to see a good cross section of the college that way, and can fall into conversation with people a little more easily than other avenues. Depending on how the JCR is structured there might be some positions up for election this term or next, which she might consider going for?

Does the college do afternoon tea in the common room (or has this been kibboshed by the renovations?) Again, that’s a low key place to hang out.

I know she went to see the Welfare Officer, has she been back since? That or the junior dean or even the chaplain, could be useful people to talk to.

riverbank23 how’s your DC finding things?

wannabebetter - pre-tied bow ties for the win!

Hingle it was pre - tied, but still took 20 mins FaceTime to show him how to adjust it!!

Aww Lucy, I feel for your dd. Mine is in a similar position in terms of the kind of socialising she's doing and her staircase. The difference is that it suits my dd to have that kind of quiet space. I wish I'd known someone like your dd when I was at university, she sounds like she has interests right up my street!

It sounds like she has some very thoughtless people around her. At that age a lot can still be stuck in teen self centered ness unfortunately.

Thanks so much for your support OYBBK - she does like the quiet while she's working, she does has the radio on so it's not completely quiet but it's when she's finished her work that she needs a bit of company. Her younger sister has gone to stay with her for a couple of days and will keep her positive as only a sociable 15 year old can. 😂
She will either survive or not, her happiness and mental health is the most important thing atm.
Thing is she's perfectly confident at going to London next weekend to do an interview with a pop punk/ metal band then go to the gig and get the bus back to Oxford afterwards on her own - so why do a few 18 year old girls phase her so much! 🙄

Lucy hugs to you, I really can relate to how your feeling.
Hingle I've not posted on here since my last rant - however I do read this thread whenever i'm online. It's been difficult to keep in touch with my DD, sometimes I try to call her but the signal is poor so I text her, she isn't being very responsive (saying she's working) so far I can gather that she is doing laundry, shopping when she needs to and enjoys the peace and quiet of the library. She hasn't mentioned that she has made any friends either in her house or her course. She has joined one society where the people are really nice. Work wise she says its hard ( 2 essays and some statistic worksheets this week) I really don't know how she's coping emotionally. I downloaded her picture from the Matriculation and it was lovely to see her.

I have a question to ask about rooms. Would my DD keep the same room all year or does it change termly?

That's a really good question riverbanks - I had just assumed that they did but maybe that's something to be investigated further.

riverbank23 ☺️

She should keep the same room Riverbank.

I think a bunch of 18 year old girls would faze anyone
Has she had problems with bullying in the past Lucy? It can be hard to get past old triggers, especially if you don't realise what the triggers exactly are.

No, not really- she was ditched half way through year 11 by a small group of girls who had been her friends since reception class - mainly for not being cool & not wanting to go out drinking as well as being really academic etc. She's always got on with older people and her boyfriend is a couple of years older. A trigger is definitely not feeling as though she belongs socially- academically yes she's fine and at 6th form college she found her people through gigs and mosh pits. Not much moshing in Oxford to be found - yet!

She should hang out with the 18 year old boys - if they went to single sex schools they’ll be absolutely delighted!

I’ve never heard of students changing room term to term, so while I can’t say categorically they won’t change room... they won’t change room.

riverbank23 I’m sorry your DD isn’t contacting you as often as you’d like/she normally would. That must be very upsetting. It’s easy to assume the worst. I hope it’s a blend of honestly being kept very busy and an attempt at increase independence, with not too much of wanting to keep you from hearing about the lower moments.

Thanks for clearing that up for me - DD likes her room. I managed to have a brief chat tonight with her, Hingle you are spot on, she said she is really liking her independence, she is genuinely busy and sounds quite upbeat. She has met her people at the society and seems happy with that, she is cracking on with her 2nd essay and said she was gutted she missed a talk about NanoTechnology as her lecture clashed with it. Overall I think she is adapting, she's ok, I don't push her to message me (don't want to be overbearing) she knows i'm here if she needs me.

That's great news riverbank23. DD has 2 essays a week and some delightful Old English translation to keep her occupied

lucycat thanks! I look forward to hearing about your DDs gig - can't beat a good mosh!!

riverbank23 so glad that your DD likes her room as I remember that you were disappointed. Sounds as though she is settling in now. There will still be ups and downs but as long as it’s broadly in the right direction that’s great

chitchattery - thank you. I was disappointed was expecting something grand and spacious with at least a sink!! (didn't project that to her though) She is happy now the internet has been sorted and the size doesn't matter to her 😃

Lucy I'm so sorry to hear your DD is unhappy. She sounds so similar to my DD, she's also quiet , not much into drinking or clubbing but likes bands/mosh pits! I'm sure they'd get on brilliantly and their paths might yet cross as she's joined the HP society too!

DD was so lucky to join her college group chat just after offer day. She "clicked" with a couple of other girls on their and they made their own chat group so by move - in day she had a ready made "group" to hang out with. Had that not happened she might well have ended up struggling socially.

I wanted to ask about Balls!
There seem to be hundreds - how many is it normal to go to?
DD has already bought a ticket for one this term and has now mentioned another one she'd like to go to!
At £90+ a ticket I've advised her to maybe stick to one per term at the very most, but it sounds like a lot of her friends are going to both.

Sorry to hear that Lucy. Making good friends can be a slow burn, but you never know where they'll appear. They don't have to be in the same college, or on the same course - maybe from one of the societies she's joined, even if they are second years. If you have common interests you have things to talk about. DS said he has met a few nice people from Ballroom Dancing Society (my suggestion ) all in a different college.

Does she have any school friends there in different colleges? Maybe meet people through them? Or her college parents? DS's parents were great at bringing them together. He gets on really well with his college dad. Anyone she's seen in the library regularly that she can smile at? I met one of my friends that way back in the day. Worth a try?

PS what's a mosh pit???

Only one ball that my DD has heard is happening and that is £90 as said

DS seems pretty content now, he had a wobbly couple of days at the start but has settled into work and has three essays under his belt now. His course is very girl heavy but he has made friends on his corridor as well as his course, not particularly close but it is early days. He says there is a group who go out most nights but he is happy not to go as he feels it would set him back work wise. He’s enjoying his course and managing the workload really well so far, he’s getting used to using every minute on his essays, rather than finishing in advance like school. He’s coming home this weekend to see his girlfriend and says he can’t believe how fast the time is going. I think the busy-ness suits him, now he’s into work he doesnt have time to be homesick, that said it does make it harder to make friends. He has also just spent £90 on his first ball ticket so he’s obviously planning to stay.,