Fresher DD struggling to settle at university

[Fionajosephine]

My DD is really having a hard time trying to find her feet at uni. I appreciate she's only two weeks in, but she's thrown herself into everything but just can't find her sort of people and it's knocked her confidence. She's very down and disheartened and it's breaking my heart. She tries to put on a brave face with her flatmates, but dissolves into floods of tears every time I speak to her. I've told her to speak to welfare/students union, but she says they are for losers. She said she will give it some more time but she feels that university isn't for her. Any advice?

Has she started on her course yet? How is the relationship with her flatmates? Is this homesickness? If she hadn’t started the lectures it is early days. Can she see how those go? She could ask to change flats but you don’t really seem to be saying that flatmates are the problem.

I’m not entirely sure what welfare could say either but I think she may have to give it longer than 2 weeks because often friends don’t appear immediately.

I’m not sure what else to say. Can she give it another two weeks? What tribe is she looking for?

I've told her to speak to welfare/students union, but she says they are for losers.

Can you put it to her that these services aren't for 'losers' - they're for people who have the sense to seek help if they're having a tough time.

I tend to think student welfare cannot make friends for you though. They are not miracle workers and often students hate admitting they don’t seem to fit in. She seems to know what the problems are and has done the obvious re joining clubs. So other than see how you get on with the students on your course and hang on in there, it’s diffucult to advise. It sounds more like homesickness to me. Of course home isn’t the same with all your friends gone.

Two weeks in is such early days though. The people I met in Freshers week were not the people who ended up being uni friends, I met people gradually. Some on my course when lectures started, some at societies I joined, some just from bumping into people and finding out we were going to see the same film at the arts centre or we came from the same region of the UK. She can't realistically expect to meet BFFs in her first few days at uni. Tell her to join up for a few societies or activities which interest her, concentrate on making a positive start on her course and exploring the campus and local area. She needs to give herself time to settle in.

The people I met and hung out with during the first few weeks of uni were not the people I ended up being great friends with. They were nice, but not my kind of people at all. We all gradually met more people through our courses, clubs and in the bars and eventually formed our own friendship circles. Your DD needs to give it at least a full term before deciding she hates it. In fact I didn't even meet many of my lifelong friends until my second year, come to think of it.

Agree with Roomba, made my best friends in second year.

My Dd got on well enough with her flat mates but found her true friends on her course. It took longer than two weeks though.

She sounds like she’s putting too much pressure on herself around freshers and it can be horrific if you haven’t found your people. Once the courses start properly the partying will calm down and that’s when she’ll start to feel a belonging.

And remember to reassure her that there are thousands like her feeling very unsure but they mostly get there it just takes some longer than others.

The people I met in freshers week were most definitely not the friends I kept throughout University and beyond !
It's still very early days and until she settles into the routine of Uni life she's not giving it a chance.....friend are made through coursework, societies...all of which takes time
Everyone is still finding their feet at this stage and there is a lot of bravado in freshers week anyway
I made some great friends via the library when essays were due as we'd all congregate in the same area nearly every day , ending up going off for coffee and chatting

Can she get a part time job on campus somewhere? That's always an easy way to make friends.

Thank you all for taking the time to message me and for your kind words. I have said all those things to her and advised her to get a little job and give it time, which she said she will do. But i get the feeling that she doesnt think university is for her. I know it’s not for everyone, but it would be such a shame if she were to leave. I doubt she would try another uni next year, as i feel this has scared her off HE. And i
think not having a degree would limit her career choices. All her friends are at uni so she would have no social life if she came home, and she would have to find a job p quickly to pay her way here. Also, there would be the term’s fees, accommodation and loan she would have to repay. I understand that my daughter’s happiness and mental wellbeing are paramount, but she could find herself in as much of a depressing situation at home as at uni (which, i know, isn’t necessarily a reason not to leave). I don’t want to point these things out to her, as i know it will put pressure on her, but if comes home and all of this dawns on her then, she may regret jacking it in. I have spoken to a few people who are now in their late 20s/early 30s and who left uni cos they didn’t like it and every one of them regretted it and wished they’d given it more time. I’ve said of all of this to my DD to no avail. I know it’s hard to be rational when you are in a bad place.

Sounds like you are saying all the right things, she just needs some time and a few successful nights out! Fingers crossed everything settles down in the next few weeks.

I definitely would consider it much too early to think about leaving. Unfortunately some people do struggle to find their feet, in any new situation there will always be a few who through no fault of their own just take longer to settle in. It's just a numbers game. Would she consider the chaplaincy in terms of someone to talk to? They are usually super welcoming and ready with tea and biccies and a sympathetic ear. If she can just find a few places around campus where she has someone to talk to it could be all she needs to turn things around.

There is a serious drug culture at her university, which she doesn’t find at all attractive and she always avoided that at sixth form. She has seen the damage drugs can do and finds it all sad and immature. She doesn’t judge but doesn’t want to be part of those sets, regardless of how lonely she is. As for speaking to a priest or vicar, i think that would be a no-no. She’s not the type of girl to confide in someone she doesn’t know. Unfortunately, i brought her up to put a brave face on-as i had been taught-so she tends to internalise everything, which is a worry for me now. She isn’t too tearful when she calls but she sounds resigned to her lot, which is just as worrying. I know she misses her friends from school terribly-they were a tight bunch-but doesn’t want to confide in the me now in case she ruins their experiences, as they all seem to be having a great time.

What career is she thinking of? Are there alternative routes in?

Would her flatmates realise that she is unhappy? Probably not as she will be putting a brave face on it. Virtually all of them will be struggling to some degree, or at some points in time, but she won't be aware of this as they will be hiding it just like she is. Encourage her to give it till Christmas at least and do explore the fact that there will be no friends at home if she does come home. That's not putting pressure on her, it's just talking around her options.

Give her support as you are, and encourage her to give it at least until Christmas. Is she enjoying the course that she’s doing? Does it link to career opportunities she’s interested in? I think the concerns you’ve written in your previous post about limiting her options are valid and she needs to be aware of those before she makes any rash decisions.

Re: drug culture - all major cities will have drugs available but i’d Be surprised if it’s a significant part of any uni culture - is she perhaps just finding herself in a pocket of drug use? Was this uni her first choice? If it diesn’t Work out in the long term then encourage her to consider other unis/cities

I'm in the same situation op. It's heart breaking you just want to bring them home, but know it's not the answer. My dd is putting on a brave face and thinks doing one year might be a possibility thrn transferring.

Are any of her friends from Home here or close by? Could she take a weekend break to one of them / invite one of them to her - might help her mix if one of them was there too? Also the first month is mayhem at uni it should soon settle down into more normal routine

I don’t believe any university has a serious drug culture. It’s there if you look for it and these people tend to find each other but it’s not the norm and, frankly, it is a bit rudiculous to say that. Do you really think thousands of students are taking drugs?

If people in her flat are taking drugs, ask to move. My DDs have seen more drug taking in the workplace than at university! More money available.

Most friends say they are having a great time to keep face. She probably has no idea about what her friends are really thinking. Facebook world and WhatsApp are not the real world. She could post happy pix but it wouldn’t be the truth. She does sound a bit immature. What career does she actually want and is a degree imperative? I think she’s be no better off at home and imagine when her friends come back at Christmas and she’s ducked out. That’s not a good prospect either!

Thanks for all your support and wise words. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all, as i still have other children to look after, as well as a demanding, full-time job. I want to cry down the phone with her but, obviously, i put on a brave face!! She is a v young 18 year old and is r quite shy and lacks confidence (the by-product of ‘helicopter’ parenting, perhaps?). I tried to persuade her to take a gap year and get some work experience and money under her belt, but i think she wanted to experience everything at the same time as her friends. She’s hoping to visit one of her friends at a nearby uni soon. As for ‘drugs’ unis, I’m afraid that this partucular uni is reknowed for it. Pity we didn’t know beforehand!! Also, it’s full of trendy, middle class southerners who want to live in a cool, northern city-and my daughter is neither cool, nor trendy. She IS from the south and has a comparatively privileged background, but we have kept her feet firmly on the ground. She went to a good, diverse comprehensive and has a good social conscience. We encouraged her to favour a northern uni, as we feel that kids from london can often think it’s the epicentre of everything and anywhere else is irrelevant. But it seems that her uni has a signifcant percentage of southerners. I’m not having a pop at londoners-honestly. it’s a fantastic city that has afforded us and our children amazing careers and experiences. We just didn’t want her to think that everything begins and ends with london. She loves her uni city and is enjoying the course so, hopefully, these will sustain her.

As someone who did drop out of university early on (I did go back and make a success of it), I would suggest that you try not to overplay the downsides of dropping out too much. My parents did this and it actually just made me feel more hopeless because it seemed like there was no way out. With me I do think that I was in the wrong accommodation, so if this a factor then maybe try a change this. When I went back to uni what helped was to just try and take it one day at a time. She's doing so well to stick it out when she's miserable so maybe try and encourage her that she's doing fine and that she's totally normal and allowed to feel the way she does.

If she is at Leeds, well I know someone who moved to Southampton for the reason you describe - Southhampton was a fantastic success after her experience at Leeds, she left, took a year out, and started again at Southampton. I think you get the accommodation refunded and the tuition loan incremental to how many weeks you used them for and if someone can move into your accommodation straightaway (and there will be lots of people who don't like their accommodation and want to move into your dd's, location, wrong flatmates all sorts of reasons)

Chaplaincies aren't necessarily God Squad formation, they are just sociable welcoming places where she can meet peers, you wouldn't have to talk to a vicar or priest. It just so happens that they are less likely to rely on drug culture for socialising. The religion bit isn't such a big part of it, it is the fellowship ifysim. I think I met most of my friends in the Catholic Chaplaincy and we certainly weren't very good Catholics at the time.

Intrigued by which uni it is! Manchester or Leeds perhaps? I was at uni 20 years ago () and it was hard at first. I made friends quickly and then "lost" them after the first term. I floundered a bit before making new friends mainly in year 2 and am still friends with most of them all these years later.

I had had a year out which gave me some confidence but I think the key is to find a shared hobby or interest as the same people will go there week after week.

I had friends who volunteered for Oxfam for example. Not the shop but with their back office campaigns. This wasn't though the university but gave them a shared interest. Teaching might be another one. Volunteer in a local school. Or maybe take some extra credits by leaning a language from scratch.

I do think some courses are easier to make friends on. I did an Arts degree. Far fewer contact hours and massive lecture halls. Hard to connect to people.

And I know two people who detested Manchester and changed to respectively UCL and Durham. In another case someone left Sheffield to go to Oxford Brookes (full of southerners at home in the South!) All were much happier after change. There are so many examples of one uni just being wrong fit, and another being much better for that individual, which is not to disparage the university itself.

Thank you-that’s good advice. I’m totally aware of putting pressure on her about the implications of dropping out. I actually don’t think the accommodation isn’t the issue: she says that they are nice enough, but have either made friends through their courses and are always spending most of their time with those friends, or they are doing vicational degrees so are at lectures all day, then go out with their course friends at night. I won’t make her stay but i do feel that she won’t want to risk this happening again so won’t apply for next year.