Fresher DD struggling to settle at university

[Fionajosephine]

My DD is really having a hard time trying to find her feet at uni. I appreciate she's only two weeks in, but she's thrown herself into everything but just can't find her sort of people and it's knocked her confidence. She's very down and disheartened and it's breaking my heart. She tries to put on a brave face with her flatmates, but dissolves into floods of tears every time I speak to her. I've told her to speak to welfare/students union, but she says they are for losers. She said she will give it some more time but she feels that university isn't for her. Any advice?

Oh OP-was just saying to a friend how much harder it is having older children than I expected-not so easy to fix things as when they are little. Hope your DD has a good weekend and things look up. I agree with PP's-she needs to throw herself into it and try everything. She will find "her people"

I am also wondering which Uni as DD currently choosing and I would not want her to end up in a Uni notorious for drug culture...

I was going to say Manchester or Leeds.

It sounds like there's a huge amount of generalisation going on tbh. If she wants to do uni she needs to find ways to make it better for herself. And if she doesn't then that is also ok but she's a grown up now and needs to own her choices and not be a martyr about it. She doesn't need to 'accept that this is her lot'. The people she meets in the first fortnight won't be her forever uni friends necessarily.

There will be lots of people out there who don't take drugs and who are perfectly nice normal young people.

I hope she starts feeling a bit better soon though cos homesickness is shit. I was really homesick as a child and when I went to uni I gave myself a stern talking to as I knew I had to sort it out or I'd be at home for ever!

I think part of the problem for students these days is that universities can be extremely cliquey. Bristol I know has terrible problems with this in certain halls.

I think teenagers can be quite idealistic - and think they are going to go to uni and meet their tribe. Of course that's nonsense - friendships take time to develop. Is she good socially usually?

The best advice you can give your daughter (in my opinion) is to try and just hang out in the big groups that trail around together. The object I think is just not to be alone. She is not looking for a friend for life - that side of it takes time. I wasn't mates with anyone I hung around with in freshers week by my third year.

Freshers fair should be on - join stuff she is interested in even if she knows no one.

Finally, has she got enough money? I think you have to throw a bit of cash at them to start with so that is not an added burden and they can throw themselves into anything they might want to do.

Good luck to your daughter and you. X

Would you/ one of her siblings be able to go and visit? If not give her some money to visit a friend at another university or pay for one to visit her where she is. A familiar face can make a difference but running home isnt the answer.

Is she eating properly/ has she already picked up fresher's flu? Encourage her to have plenty of fruit and oily fish if she will eat it. It will affect her mood.

Try to reassure her that it's not unusual for people to feel like this, that most of those who do eventually find friends but tell her that if she still feels like this at Christmas she can leave as long as she has plans for what she does instead.

DD has a miserable first year, and we had to provide a lot of support.

However she liked her course, and had no intention of giving it up. This year looks as if it will be completely different, and I am pretty certain she will go on to say she really enjoyed her time at University.

Big question is whether she is enjoying the course. Or has a clear idea of why she is taking it and what she expects to get out of it. If she does not it could be a long hard and expensive struggle.

Is it Manchester, Leeds or Sheffield? I agree with other pps it's always hard at first and you tend to make stronger friendships later down the line. I agree she sounds homesick and social media doesn't help in that everything is glossed over and the reality is often very different. Good luck to her and you sound a very supportive mum x

I also suspect DD regrets not having been offered a place at a London University. Not because she wanted, per se, to stay in London, but because she misses that London/international focus and ambition. She really had not expected the extent to which people partied and skipped lectures. Her DB was very happy in London and faced none of the problems DD had to face, and we know of several who either transferred to places like UCL, or regret not haing gone there.

We have also noticed London schools reversing their advice about staying on in London to study. It used to be, only a few years ago, that students were encouraged to get away from home and to look at places like Bristol and Durham. Now serious students are being given some serious health warnings about Universities that have picked up party reputations, whilst London is encouraged as a good choice.

No-one is saying that thousands of students take drugs, just that it can be a problem. Alcohol is also a huge issue for a lot of students and anti-social behaviour can be a real problem in halls. I think the first year is very pressured for a lot of students - DD managed to hang on and this year is looking much better.

Is there a sport that she's interested in? It may be that those students are less into the drug culture you describe....

If her course has not really got off the ground yet, or does not have many contact hours, this can make it harder at the start. Course work has not been set yet, Freshers events were still taking place at my dd's uni last week.

I woukd really encourage her to give it a few more weeks when people will have settled into a routine.

I also think the culture in this country of students moving far away from uni puts unnecessary pressure on some young people.

The transition is so much easier if you can pop home every weekend. If it is at all affordable, that might be something that would help. Alternatively I'd definitely encourage your dd to make plans with her school friends to visit each other this term. Weekends can be lonely. There is less socialising at weekends, they are either gone off somewhere or catching up with study.

Can you say which university it is? Currently at Manchester open day.

I was thinking Newcastle....

I second the sport idea. Is she enjoying the course? That will give her purpose...

I agree, there is a myth that ‘distance is no object’, which perhaps it didn’t use to be in the days of cheaper petrol and lower rail fares.

Which ones are the "party" universities? Leeds, Newcastle ...?

I've a friend who's dd went away for uni and absolutely hated it, was actually on antidepressants to cope. In the end she left and came home. The following year she started at her local uni (a very good one) and lived at home while attending, graduated with a first class degree last year. Going away is not for everyone.

I meant which are the universities known for their drugs culture?

Lonicera, there are plenty of proxy stats such as this one from March:

"Bristol has been named the cocaine capital of the United Kingdom in a new drugs report.

Carried out by the European Monitoring Centre for Drugs and Drug addiction, the latest paper states each day 754.7mg of the stimulant are consumed per 1000 residents in the city.

Bristol ranks the number one place for cocaine use in the UK, above cities such as London and Manchester, and is sixth place for use in Europe last year."

Doesn't Bristol have a significant number of privately educated students ie students with a lot of money?

Lonicera, DDs observation was not that. Instead perhaps an indication that "country lines" drug running has meant that drug use has been normalised across the UK. A generalisation but private school kids may be more inclided to engage in wider University activies such as sport or drama, and that drinking was more likely to be their vice.

Which is not to say that private school kids don't take drugs. Just that drugs are cheaper and more affordable to everyone.

I think some of this conversation is bordering on ridiculous. You really do not get a massive drugs culture in any of our universities. You can easily avoid these idiots. Glasgow has a reputation for drinking and low life expectancy. So avoid Glasgow? Sheffield has a low Private school cohort so how come they have a perceived party/drugs problem if it’s wealthy DC who take drugs! It’s all nonsense.

I would love to know why “tribe” is good and “clique” is not? Students find who they are comfortable with and I’m getting very tired of people saying “cliques”
don’t mix but “tribes” (state school?) are what you should aim for! Just aim for friends. If you don’t like your hall of residence, ask to change. State school pupils seem to be brought up to avoid privately educated children and certainly believe they cannot possibly be friends with them. That is very poor advice. As is running away from London to mix with the tribes from the North, only to find the dreaded Southerners there in droves! As they wil be at Newcastle. The Georgies know a good time and it’s certainly not all student based entertainment there. Any more than it is in Leeds, Sheffield or Manchester and even cricketers go out in Bristol to lower the tone! Whatever people do in a city, that’s not the same as the student population.

If your child is likely to be a druggie, they have probably discovered drugs before university. If they are susceptible to alcohol and drugs keep them at home where you can keep an eye of them if you don’t trust them. The vast majority of young people at university are normal. There are drugs everywhere! Plenty in London too if you want them. The ice cream van sells them where we have our flat. It’s a case of making sensible friends and ignoring background. There will always be far more decent students than ones that take drugs or are partying all the time. This is so cliched as to be ridiculous. Fear is ramped up on these threads and common sense is in short supply!

My dds have just started at Bristol and so far haven’t encountered any drugs in their halls at Stoke Bishop. I am sure there are students who take drugs but it doesn’t seem to be in their faces.

OP, I think it can be hard when students are far from home , but hope your dd settles down over time.

Bubbles I am very aware that your daughters experience last year at the same University was very different that the one mine had. OP is saying that her daughter is unhappy. Minimising other people's experiences, effectively suggesting that the problem is theirs, is not the solution.

One issue seems to be, at least at Bristol, is that large groups sometimes go from the same, often boarding, school. Call them tribes, cliques, what you will. But from the outside this can appear intimidating.

Bevelino. Fingers crossed! Flats vary a lot. DD was unlucky. There a lot of peer pressure. But over now.

Dd in Bristol hasn’t met anyone yet who takes drugs. But I do appreciate it’s only one week in to term. In fact only her and one other flat mate really go out. The others stay in or go home all the time which incidentally is a really bad idea. How can you settle in or make friends if you’re home all weekend?
I think your Dd needs to try and be open minded to all different types of friends and different personalities/behaviours from your norm and it can be hard at the beginning. Try and encourage her to stick it out at least until half term stage and then review the situation again.

OP, I can't begin to describe how miserable I was for my first few weeks at university. I was desperately homesick, had no friends, missed my parents and siblings, missed my dogs, missed absolutely everything about home, etc, etc. I spent a lot of time crying on the phone to my mum. She said I should stick it out until Christmas, and if I still hated it that much, I should come home and get a job instead. I did stick it out, with gritted teeth, and then though I might as well stick it out until Easter. And then until summer. In the second year, I made lifelong friends. In the end, I loved university so much that I did a PhD...

Two weeks is very, very early days. I made my best friends on my course, but it takes a while to work out who's in your tribe. I was absolutely not a party type (didn't drink at all, never mind doing drugs) - but the great thing about university, so I discovered, is that you will always be able to find like-minded people. It can just take a while to find them.