Fresher DD struggling to settle at university

[Fionajosephine]

My DD is really having a hard time trying to find her feet at uni. I appreciate she's only two weeks in, but she's thrown herself into everything but just can't find her sort of people and it's knocked her confidence. She's very down and disheartened and it's breaking my heart. She tries to put on a brave face with her flatmates, but dissolves into floods of tears every time I speak to her. I've told her to speak to welfare/students union, but she says they are for losers. She said she will give it some more time but she feels that university isn't for her. Any advice?

@Needmoresleep, I agree with your comments. My dds are lucky as both are as tough as old boots, have each other, know lots of people at Bristol already as lots of students from London go there; and are only one and a half hours away and know they can go home whenever they wish.

Largish groups go to Exeter from my local Grammar schools. They are state school cliques so that’s ok then? Or is it just boarders who are cliquey? They actually have had a different upbringing and tend to be in the cheapest halls that state students don’t want. It is of course the state pupils who don’t want the shared bathrooms and old furniture and poor heating! It’s really no big deal who you go with and people expand friendships.

I agree that going home all the time doesn’t help and staying local makes this easy. DD was at Bristol a few years ago and nearly everyone was friendly, no matter where you came from and there wasn’t a drug culture. Just normal pleasant students. Why anyone would think universities have a drugs culture is beyond me. A much bigger problem is drinking but the most recent stats say the young are drinking less! Some good news at last!!! Why and well brought up young person would get so upset about others who will never be their friends doesn’t make sense. Just avoid them - they are a minority!

DD1 has just started at Sheffield (2 weeks now) - she's lucky enough to have got on really well with her flatmates from day 1 but additionally she seems to have decided that the best plan of action is to join every sports club known to man (currently football, lacrosse and trampolining which i think are free for the first few weeks) plus gone to her course weekly social night. That, plus following the first week of lectures means that the work is starting to pile in, seems to leave her with little time to be homesick.
I realise it's easier said than done - i was most definitely not a club joiner when i went to uni many moons again, but looking at the way she's gone about things makes me think she's set herself up well. Have to say i was still weeping copiously after my first two weeks but had settled ok by Christmas - i took it one week at a time, small steps.
If your DD happens to be at Sheffield i'd be happy to ask mine to maybe meet up?

I am seconding the explanation of chaplaincy. Most denominations can't spare an ordained person for every local uni, although that might be different if it is a well known Northern uni.

What they will have is lots of caring individuals used to working with teens and young people some of whom are struggling. They organize a lot of events open to everyone that are not faith based necessarily but will also not be centered on drugs or heavy drinking for obvious reasons! I think she shouldn't dismiss them out of hand. They will definitely be very good on pastoral care but will be set up to be welcoming to Buddists, Muslims, Jews and atheists as much as practicing Christian's.

I came on here to see if there was a thread as I have just come off the phone from ds who was in tears. He insists he has made a terrible mistake and wants to come home. He is 200 miles away and it's only been a week. Very early days and he knows that but that doesn't make the feeling go away. He struggled with his mental health throughout sixth form but had a really great summer.

All week he had been telling me what a great time he was having but now it has hit him. He seems to be in a flat with some lovely social people and has joined a couple clubs, doing all the right things yet he is having doubts as to whether he made the right decision, feels overwhelmed by the whole thing and trapped so far away from home.

I want to be able to say to him give it a month and you will feel totally different but what if he doesn't?

It's really tough isn't it.

DD is state educated. She was in the cheapest halls. It wasn’t the actual accommodation that was a problem but the anti-social lifestyle of those around her, many of whom spent most of the year drinking and partying. It can be very difficult whatever your background.

Just got off the phone to my friend whose son started uni last week. He moved in last Saturday at 5pm went over to the chaplaincy as they were offering free food (!). He met some second years who encouraged him to go to the disco at the uni bar. While he was queuing to get in some other 2nd years invited him to join them and he got home at 2:30am. His mum has barely heard from since. But he is at a uni that has a reputation of being very friendly.

I’m not sure being 200 miles from home and mental health concerns are the greatest combination, 3teen. Be flexible about changing to a nearer university if he needs to.

If flatmates are drinking and partying every night (not sure this is entirely true?) then ask to change halls! There are some people who will go mad when let off the leash. Access to booze and all night curry houses are something new to them and they take full advantage. That doesn’t mean you have to join in. There are always students who don’t fit in with their flatmates lifestyles and changing is worth asking about because rooms become available due to leavers. It happens.

Is this Leeds uni by any chance? My dd had a similar experience there and we could maybe chat? Don't worry if you don't want to say what uni she is at.

Changing rooms isn't always as easy as that. But yes, obviously that can be a way forward. Of course you don't have to join in but actually some students find it harder to find their feet and lack of sleep can make it harder.

That was my concern too baubles but it was a university recommended by his school for being great at pastrol care and ds liked it very much. Initially he was going to defer for a year but he improved so much this year and coped brilliantly with his exams etc, had a great summer, we really thought he was out the other side so supported his decision to go after all. School offered to write explaining the difficulties he had experienced but ds declined. He wanted a fresh start.

At this stage I don't know if this is a normal wobble or the start of things again. Such early days, will just have to wait ans see.

This was me a year ago. My daughter who started at the uni she had always dreamed of going to and doing the course she always wanted was not happy for many weeks. Nothing in particular, I just think that it was too much change to come to terms with. I don't know if this is an option but she came home every other weekend and this seemed to help. Sending her back to uni at the end of each visit was traumatic however.

When she came home at Christmas, I thought she wouldn't go back but she made up her own mind to continue and when she came home at Easter, she was talking about finding a flat with some friends for the next year. There has been no looking back since then, she is now happy and committed.

I think maybe as parents we underestimate the stresses of uni, it has such a big build up and then the realities of leaving home, friends and family, finding your way around a new city and adjusting to a new academic system must be a marathon challenge.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I really hope it works out for you as it did for us. Unfortunately we can't do it for them but as long as she has your support for her decisions, it will get better.

I am sorry she is feeling unhappy. I do think if she sticks it out a bit, joins some clubs, gets into the routine of lectures,does a lot of academic work it will all settle down and she will be fine. She wants to find "her sort of people". Perhaps she could chat to you about who they might be and then find a way to find them. Eg although reading law I almost did a music degree - i did music every single day just about from lessons to rehearsals, orchestra, several choirs, choir tours, church singing. When I say that to my twins who are at Bristol they laugh as that is not exactly their hobbies (although that's a pity - they both had music scholarships at school so I live in hope they will join the choir).

May be your daughter is doing too much - throwing herself in too much. Most of us to feel happy need a lot of sleep and good food and some time alone so actually doing less can make us happier.

Would she cheer up if you and her younger siblings went to visit next weekend (if you can afford it)? Cheaper than her leaving probably.

Dd1 at Oxford was unhappy when she started there last year, but we took our dog down to see her after a couple of weeks and the whole corridor in her halls were over the moon. They loved our dog charging around, wagging her tail and basically going mad on the hunt for food

I don't think 2 weeks is long enough to settle into anything, new school, new digs, new job - it's probably the time it takes for the initial excitement to wear off and not long enough to feel at all settled.
Encourage her to stay longer before making up her mind about any move, or change.

It took until Christmas for my dd and she also had a tight bunch of friends in school and wasn't into partying. Could she join a voluntary group at college where might meet likeminded kids. Also dont be afraid to let her come home at weekends as its a long lonely time with not much to do and too much time for thinking.

I only really found friends on my course at uni. I struggled for the first few weeks as I couldn't get on with my flatmates (Just different personalities and interests rather than conflict) it does get better.

I think she is doing all the right things, so i can’t fault here there. Perhaps it’s just that it is all so different. I remember going to uni and being overwhelmed by all the different accents of the other students!! I am so hoping that it a matter of her giving it enough time. Her younger siblings aren’t old enough to visit her by themselves, but i may go up. I think she would like to come home at the end of october, which is fine with us. Apologies for not naming the uni, but I don’t want to unnecessarily ‘trash’ its rep based on one person’s experience of it. But i will say that, anecdotally, it has a rep as drug uni. That’s not say it’s rife; just that it’s more common than in other unis. I would also say that weed is smoked openly on the streets of london now, so it is undestandable that that may be the case in HE. Perhaps it is one of the ways youngsters cope with all the stresses of modern life?

There are always drugs at uni but there will be plenty that are not into that. Unless she has struggled to find friends at school, I doubt it will be impossible at uni.
I agree with PP who said don't try to talk her out of quitting - just listen and support and listen some more. You could almost call her bluff and say yes you can leave if it doesn't work out so at least that option is on the table, and she can use that as a fallback in her mind and try and make the best of it for a while.

op there have been several threads on the same theme this week - so your dd is absolutely not alone in finding it difficult.

As another pp has said, I think perhaps the stress of starting university is underestimated - and imv one of the problems can be that students have such great expectations of a fantastic social life, new friends, fun (not sure where the expectations come from, but they are there).

And the reality is that it is not like that, and freshers week can drag and even be quite boring if you are not into nights out drinking - yes I know more places are laying on non alcoholic activities, which is great.

But I wonder if students would do better if lectures just started and they could get on with the course straight away. Sounds as though dd has started the course, but once it gets going more she may feel differently. If not, it is by no means the end of the world - she can always go back later.

Yes, don't name the university. It could be outing for her too. As there are drugs at all universities and schools it is hard then to guess which one but that doesn't matter. I was a teetotal virgin at univesrity and I certainly didn't smoke or drink or take drugs. There are lots of different people at all universities and you can usually find someone who fits your kind of person. going up to see her next weekend sounds like a good idea.
Some subjects at some universities have a reading week sometimes at half term sometimes not and if she does she might come home that week if that helps her. Mine have tended not to come home at all during term but lots do.

I felt exactly the same as the OPs DD 30 years ago when I left home to go to university and I suspect at least 50% of freshers are also feeling the same. The only difference 30 years ago was I didn’t have access to constant phone contact with my parents that dcs have today. This meant I had to learn to manage my emotions and deal with the situation I found myself in. I’m not being condescending but being able to deal with being out of your comfort zone and getting on with people very different from yourself are skills you do have to acquire to be a grown up and cope with the wider world.

It took at least a term for me to get to know a small group of people I could hang out with and it wasn’t until the end of the first year that I made some firm friends and went onto share a house with them in the 2nd year. I dealt with the situation by keeping busy with my course, going to keep fit, library, joining in with others in the refectory at lunchtimes, tagging along with flat or course mates if they were planning on going out, joining a few societies, shopping,cooking, cleaning etc. Gradually the disconcerting feelings went and I started to enjoy my independence and new lifestyle

If I was the OP I would say to DD to give it to Xmas. I would limit the phone calls to maximum of 3 times a week and don’t be drawn into the emotion and keep my own feelings in check. I’d keep the conversation to practicals what have you done; who have you meet; what have you tried; be cheerful throughout even if you don’t feel it. I’d arrange to go and see her in a couple of weeks and say to her that you want her to show you around the city which will hopefully make her get out and explore her new environment.

DS is at Newcastle.

I asked him about this and he said not a big drug culture there at all-probably because alcohol is so cheap...

He also concurred with the two that keep getting named.

@ChampagneSocialist1, I think we are twins. I felt, and did, exactly the same 30 years ago. And your advice is spot on.

Fiona: as you have no experience of other universities, you have no idea about drug taking at other universities! You cannot possibly know where there are less drugs! If so, do tell us! It is really unfair to say that any university has a reputation for drugs. It’s just idle chat without any facts or evidence at all.

We know that larger cities, and probably larger universities, may have more taking drugs because of sheer population numbers. However many of the students with the drug taking habits are going with the problem or are living at home so are used to buying drugs in their locality. Many poor areas have drug problems and robberies to feed the habit. Is this a student activity? Probably not.

I’m afraid that the vast majority of young people don’t choose a university based on hearsay about drugs or perceived lack of them. I had never heard of drug taking at the university mentioned frequently on this thread and my neighbours DS went there as did several friends of my DDs. It really depends if a student is looking for this lifestyle.

Far more students drink too much. They may well suffer from alcohol related diseases fairly quickly if they keep going. That doesn’t seem to bother anyone too much. Just know your DCs and expect high standards. If they are the types that are easily led and are addictive personalities, then keep them under supervision at home. But if they really want drugs - they’ll get them despite anything you do or say.