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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

One week on and I can't stop crying since Ds left for Uni.

141 replies

NewChapter11 · 22/09/2018 14:38

I'm gobsmacked and frankly embarrased with how awful I feel.
Since last Saturday I've lost half a stone through lack of appetite, cried everyday while managing to get myself in a stress induced insomniac state.
DS on the other hand, is having the time of his life and can barely be bothered to text.
I really want to treat this as a new chapter in my life, however I have fibromyalgia which means life is about pacing, being careful and not "chucking yourself out there too much."
I feel frustrated, isolated but obviously happy for ds - I just failed to realise that Empty Nest Syndrome is a genuine condition lol.

OP posts:
OddOneOut72 · 26/09/2018 21:57

That’s great, he’s coming to see you New Chapter 11. It’s been almost 3 weeks since my daughter went. Her first term is around 15 weeks long; she hasn’t planned to come home before Christmas, as it’s a long way. I’m jealous of the people whose children have a 10 week term. There is possibly a reading week first week of december, but it’s so close to exams, she might not come home.
It probably suits my daughter though, because her city is so interesting; I think she will get bored at home.

Oct18mummy · 26/09/2018 22:04

I feel your pain, dropped daughter off this week and haven’t stopped crying I feel bereaved infact I’m crying more than I have over any bereavement- I hope this lifts 😪

OddOneOut72 · 26/09/2018 22:10

Oct18mummy,hold on in there; I’m sure it just takes time; hugs to you.

OddOneOut72 · 26/09/2018 22:18

My daughters nineteen so more independent than most; I think my other 2 will probably want to be closer, and visit more. At nineteen I feel she was more ready to go.

OddOneOut72 · 26/09/2018 22:38

Sorry, know I am messaging too much; but crazy time! I said to my daughter on the phone “ you will be bored when you come home”; she said yes, but you have good things too; like roast potatoes!!😀”.

ssd · 26/09/2018 23:22
Grin

am hoping my (ropey) cooking entices the ds's to stay nearby Grin

Xenia · 27/09/2018 11:13

They are all different as are the parents. There is no one right way to be.

Also even if they go away they are back almost half the year in many cases. One or other of mine was back all 3 months of the summer from mid June to mid September.

Our parents encouraged us to go away for university as indeed they did from their own parents in the 1940s and it can help bridge things between teenager to adult and let people have privacy, grow up, learn skills and be separate from parents so I think it can be useful thing to do on both sides although plenty of teenagers never move too far away from their family or never move at all that works fine for those people too. I know when our father was dying his carers who had never moved more than a few streets from their parents could not seem to understand that our parents actively encouraged us to move hundreds of miles away and were happy with those choices of ours.

ssd · 27/09/2018 17:48

I couldn't wait to move away from my hometown and I went abroad to work at 18 and didn't come home for years, all of my family are in other countries and never having any family nearby is normal to me. When I was younger I thought growing up and staying in the place you grew up was the most awful thing ever....and so I've never had the close family ties and family support I've seen friends enjoy all their lives.

Maybe that's why I yearn for my dc's to eventually settle somewhere nearish to me, I know how families grow apart from years living apart and I just want my boys closer. Although wherever they eventually settle is fine by me, its their life and their choice, like it was mine.

TheThirdOfHerName · 27/09/2018 18:00

Both of my parents left home at 18 to study, as did DH & I.

I was encouraged not to go back home during the first month, which was hard at the time but it helped me to settle fully and meant the homesickness was over quickly. We have suggested the same to DS1, so we won't be seeing him until half-term.

Leaving it this long before the first visit feels right for us as a family, and I know that him leaving to study is the right thing for his development.

I still feel out of sorts a lot of the time, and sometimes mildly bereft.

I do understand that this will pass.

IrmaFayLear · 27/09/2018 18:21

Whenever I feel a bit sad that ds has trundled off (although he's been lounging in his bedroom for the past three months!) I think of sil who has retained her dds... they attended the local university and live at home/next road. She may be smuggery smug but I think she has trained them out of any idea of adventure or achieving anything other than being the "planets around her sun" as described earlier.

ssd · 27/09/2018 21:09

ahh that describes some of my friends who have no empathy for my feelings but dont seem to want their dc's to go anywhere Irma

IrmaFayLear · 28/09/2018 09:44

We have similar situations, ssd. No family in this country, just one relative abroad. Actually it was the same for all my friends - desperate to leave boring old Dulltown and head for the bright lights. No one settled near their parents.

I have been through my whole child-rearing years with zero family support. I would like to be a helpful granny one day, but a) I'll be 120 by then and b) my dcs don't really seem like the types to settle down young and buy the house next door (like one of smug sil's dds).

HurricaneFloss · 28/09/2018 16:38

I intend settling wherever DD does - I just haven't told her that yet!

IrmaFayLear · 28/09/2018 16:55

I know someone who followed their dc to university; they actually upped sticks and bought a house in the same town. They then got very upset that their dc wanted to live with fellow students and not with their dm and didn't want to hang out with them all the time either. A tentative suggestion that they wouldn't have liked their own mother doing the same elicited the response that they were different as they were a cool mum [sceptical]

ssd · 30/09/2018 09:42
Shock

much as I'd love my dc's to move out and move in next door.....I would like that for me, but not for them......I want them to see the world, it's great out there.

daisypond · 30/09/2018 09:56

Maybe I'm in a minority, but I don't feel like this. Mine's been gone a week now and it's fine. I'm glad she's going on to the next chapter of her life. I'm really happy for her. My only concern was how she'd feel moving from London to a smaller city. She's over 200 miles away from where we live. On the way back from dropping her off, I did have a tiny snuffle and think "She's gone now," but it was only a moment. Then the rest of life continues - I've still got to go to work, etc

BubblesBuddy · 30/09/2018 16:06

Mine boarded from 11 so we were used to having family home and school home. I didn’t ever feel bereft and I enjoyed my life and they have enjoyed theirs. University wasn’t much different. No wobbles from them or us. Everyone is different but I firmly believe that children are not moons to your sun. They become suns. Your job as a parent is to help them do this. For many, this is going to university. For others it’s finding your feet in a career or whatever floats your boat. Hanging around parents does produce a different sort of person though!! I have no doubt about that.

If mine lived next to me I’d be a bit cross about it. They won’t - but our next door neighbour lives opposite her parents. All that free babysitting! They just live in one intertwined nest really!

HurricaneFloss · 30/09/2018 17:24

BubblesBuddy - if you chose (for whatever reason) to send your DC to boarding school then it's understandable that you wouldn't feel sadness about them going to university. You're used to being apart from them for the majority of the time so no big change.

OddOneOut72 · 30/09/2018 21:32

My daughter lost her bag today; can’t help but feel if she was next door it would be easier to sort out. I don’t know how natural it is in the scheme of things for our offspring to be so far away. There are so many societies, tribes etc where they stay together and the individual isn’t so important.
We moved away from family when my children were late junior school age; I really feel they would have benefited from having extended family close by. I find it hard to settle in one place though; and I think my daughter would definitely feel stifled staying nearby.
I don’t think there is a best way to do things though. Every decision has it’s good and bad.

BubblesBuddy · 30/09/2018 21:33

Actually we saw them quite frequently at school but far less often at university. I was trying to explain that not all parents are so upset when their children are not around so much. It’s not a given that there is such a heightened sense of loss - whatever the age they go. They become mature and develop into their own personalities when they spread their wings and that’s good prep for university so parents should be happy that their children can do this successfully without needing to be with them all the time.

OddOneOut72 · 30/09/2018 21:35

She’s just got the bag back😀.There are good people.

OddOneOut72 · 30/09/2018 21:53

I suppose we have to remember though, that the thread started out as a mum who was struggling and asking for advice to help with a feeling of loss, one that I am still struggling with; if any one has advice.

BubblesBuddy · 30/09/2018 23:01

Maybe it should be posted in the Body and Soul section? Advice is difficult to give when it seems that people are so overwhelmed. I cannot comprehend being that sad about missing adult children: so
I’m very sorry about that. However if the DCs are happy, feel that they will be successful on their courses and have made a good transition from home to university (as the vast majority do) perhaps comfort could be sought from this? It’s a great achievement to have a happy child who is at university! Is it not? Be happy for your child. They may never come home to live again but surely success is about them having a good life wherever they live it. It might be Australia!! They are alive, in contact (they will be soon) and will eventually be keen to share their new world with you. Look forward to that happening! Hope that is more helpful and positive!

HurricaneFloss · 30/09/2018 23:03

I was trying to explain that not all parents are so upset when their children are not around so much

We don't need that explaining to us. Or all this spreading wings stuff. We get it. Likewise some people miss their children terribly when they move out. That seems perfectly normal to me. It's nothing to do with parents stifling their children, they just miss having them around.

OddOneOut72 · 30/09/2018 23:11

You can be happy for your children, but sad for missing them at the same time; and your children don’t hit 18 and suddenly stop being your children. You have also had more years of getting used to them being around and getting to know them. So I really can’t comprehend how you wouldn’t miss someone who had been in your life for 2 decades.