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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

One week on and I can't stop crying since Ds left for Uni.

141 replies

NewChapter11 · 22/09/2018 14:38

I'm gobsmacked and frankly embarrased with how awful I feel.
Since last Saturday I've lost half a stone through lack of appetite, cried everyday while managing to get myself in a stress induced insomniac state.
DS on the other hand, is having the time of his life and can barely be bothered to text.
I really want to treat this as a new chapter in my life, however I have fibromyalgia which means life is about pacing, being careful and not "chucking yourself out there too much."
I feel frustrated, isolated but obviously happy for ds - I just failed to realise that Empty Nest Syndrome is a genuine condition lol.

OP posts:
OddOneOut72 · 25/09/2018 10:10

My neighbour said she didn’t feel sad when hers left home; I came out and said “I don’t understand that”. How can you not feel sad about someone leaving that you saw everyday for 2 decades. I’m struggling to take dogs out, because I’m worried about seeing people I know and talking about it, and maybe getting a lack of understanding. Still very tearful after 2 weeks, but so glad daughter is settling in.

TheThirdOfHerName · 25/09/2018 10:16

I'm not crying all the time, but finding it to be a series of small but painful blows.

Setting fewer places at the table: ouch.

Coming home from work and DS1 isn't there: ouch.

Buying fewer tickets for an annual event we've always attended as a family: ouch.

Wonderwine · 25/09/2018 10:35

That's exactly how I'm feeling. Yesterday I heard a song on the radio that DS used to play on his guitar and it set me off. DS was tall and huggable (and generous with them Smile) and would just come and drape himself over me whereas DS2 is in the 'I hate you, get out of my life, and don't come near me' phase which is horrible and no consolation Sad.

OddOneOut72 · 25/09/2018 10:51

Wonderwine, sorry about the lack of hugs; I’m grateful I’m getting hugs from other daughters; but very aware they will be leaving in next couple of years. The poor dogs are going to be completely smothered.
The third of her name; I get the ouch moments; got 5 plates out instead of 4.

anniehm · 25/09/2018 10:52

The first 2-3 weeks were the hardest - I jumped every time the phone rang hoping it would be her. The good news is this year I couldn't wait for her to go, she was so noisy in our very quiet house

TheThirdOfHerName · 25/09/2018 10:53

I've explained to my younger three that they need to step up and each give me 33.3% more hugs than usual, to make up the shortfall. DS2 (ASD) has taken this literally. 😆

ssd · 25/09/2018 10:54

I am the same here

I found this Pam Ayers (!) poem, its poignant but quite funny with the bit about finding passion again with your hubby...

A September Song – Pam Ayres

He is off to university, all is now in place
there is fear, anticipation and excitement in his face.
An overstuffed enormous bag and rucksack in the hall
and a ghastly leaden feeling like the ending of it all.

I cannot let it show this selfish aching in my heart
for the sweet chaotic years in which you played the major part.
I am fearful of the emptiness when you depart the room
and silence settles round us like the stillness of a tomb.

At your bedroom door I used to stand and shake my head
the mess was unbelievable, the floor, the chair, the bed.
The place was never hoovered, never felt a duster's touch
but now it's neat and clean and I don't like it half as much.

I loved you going out, so young and eager and alive
and I loved you coming home, your little car, turned in the drive.
The energy, the racket, all the songs you loved to play
and I won't know where to turn to when the music dies away.

There was ringing of the mobile, there was tapping of the text
the ipod and the ipad and the new thing coming next.
There was passion, there was fashion, with your father in despair
saying, “In the name of God, what has that boy done to his hair?!”

Now parents realise that all between them that has dwindled
can be resuscitated and romantically rekindled.
Old passions reignited, sexual energies uncurbed
but looking at your Dad, I think I'll leave him undisturbed.

My son is ready, independent, eager, fit, he has to go.
He must take his chances now, I know, I know, I know, I know
He will make so many friends, he will be having such a ball;
it may all be so exciting that he won't come home at all.

I am looking at a life which seems so drained of all it's colour;
the heart is gone from us, we are older, we are duller.
Now when people ask us, we'll show photographs and say,
“Our son's at university, that's right, he lives away...”

OddOneOut72 · 25/09/2018 10:54

Thethirdofhername; still getting used to mumsnet. Getting usernames wrong! sorry.

TheThirdOfHerName · 25/09/2018 10:55

No worries, I knew you meant me. Smile

Wonderwine · 25/09/2018 11:00

The problem is that this generation don't phone though, do they? We always had the Sunday evening call home from the payphone at the bottom of the stairs and a pile of 10ps, whereas now it's a text message or a whatsapp post and they don't necessarily use the same social media as us. DS2 has been showing us DS1's snapchat stories of him having a good time and telling us where he is on snapmaps (or whatever it's called) but that depends entirely on DS2 being in a good mood and willing to share. I briefly considered setting up a fake snapchat account pretending to be a student at DS's university so I can see that he's still alive, but then I realised how creepy and weird and sad that idea was and dismissed it Grin

LIZS · 25/09/2018 11:02

Lol ssd! It took me days before I could enter his room when ds left. He's in his 3rd year now and it passes. Still miss him food bill is drastically reduced though. Next year will be worse , dd is currently still at home, in y13 now so due off next, but he may well rebound.

OddOneOut72 · 25/09/2018 11:02

Oh that poem! ; don’t think I could read it twice; so sad.

Wonderwine · 25/09/2018 11:03

oh jeez ssd - thanks for that, now you've set me off again...

SadSadSadSadSadSadSadSadSadSadSadSadSadSad

TheThirdOfHerName · 25/09/2018 11:04

I joined Snapchat last week, on the offchance it might be a way of seeing more news from him. Blush

fieryginger · 25/09/2018 11:06

I must admit, I didn't feel this way. I felt that, in my ideal scenario of his life, he was doing exactly what I'd hoped he'd be doing. I worried about his safety, being 18 and moving to London all by himself, was a ballsy move, so I admired his courage. I was over the moon his fresher week was the best fun ever.

My best friend was bereft when her daughter left for uni. I think your feelings are not unusual at all. 💐

Wonderwine · 25/09/2018 11:15

oh, TheThirdOfHerName , but did he let you connect/follow him? (Not sure how snapchat works...)
It's very tempting, but deep down I know it wouldn't be healthy for me. It's time to let them live their own lives without our scrutiny. We jokingly told DS1 that our parental ££ contribution would be dependent and proportionate to him keeping up a level of communication. At this rate he'll be starving next week Grin

AbsintheFriends · 25/09/2018 14:46

I found snapchat to be the best method of communication when my first went off to uni a few years ago. She was awful at answering texts, and they always seemed so needy or intrusive (How are you? Did you have a good night out? Have you had any sleep at all?)

With snapchat I could send her stupid pictures of the cat, who she missed more than the rest of us Grin so always appreciated. And I could see if she'd opened them and was therefore alive, even if she didn't always reply.

(I NEVER send selfies though, which is what they always send to each other. I feel old enough as it is!)

Nestinghedgehog · 25/09/2018 16:10

Can I just join in please. Dropped my only DD off on Sunday - couldn't help crying and set her off as well. I am still crying today if I talk to anybody about it.

I am happy for her and she is happy and it's what she wants and needs but I just feel so sad - I miss her so much - she was my pal and we did stuff together - cinema, TV, meals out.

I cannot imagine how it must be for single parents with only children.

I am shocked at my reaction - normally I am tough, resilient and no nonsense - now I am an emotional mess - it scares me a bit.

Nestinghedgehog · 25/09/2018 16:22

Oddoneout72 - I absolutely agree "no amount of yoga, hiking, swimming, evening class, or other worthy pastime could come anywhere near the joy I feel when I see my girl. So let me wallow!"

I used to go to a yoga class but my emotions are so close to the surface I daren't go in case I burst in to tears

surferjet · 25/09/2018 16:25

Oh ssd I’m literally crying my eyes out at that poem Sad

crimsonlake · 25/09/2018 16:49

Nestinghedgehog I am that single parent, I have 2 at Uni and they both went the same year. Yes the silence is settling around me like a tomb. It is hard for all as we can witness here reading the threads, but much harder when you are a single mum and there is no one at all to come home to anymore.

longtompot · 25/09/2018 17:07

@crimsonlake that was just cruel bawls That song tipped me over when I watched Mamma Mia and my dd was just going into secondary. She is now in her final year and my ds has just started his first year [cry]

Nah, not really. I do miss them lots, but this is what we are for. To raisethem to leave. As long as they are happy then so am I. Plus, I get them for holidays and the occasional weekend.

Now, when they move out, now THAT will seem huge.

longtompot · 25/09/2018 17:08

*final uni year and first uni year.

Teddy1905 · 25/09/2018 17:19

Me too Crimsonlake, been just me and only DS for a long time, now just me! Feeling a bit better today, I'm incredibly proud of how independent he's being about it all. I just need to stop checking my phone every few seconds! And i've been so absent minded the last few days, it's like baby brain all over again! 🙃

LIZS · 25/09/2018 18:25

They showed Toystory 3 the day we first dropped ds off - Sad