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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

One week on and I can't stop crying since Ds left for Uni.

141 replies

NewChapter11 · 22/09/2018 14:38

I'm gobsmacked and frankly embarrased with how awful I feel.
Since last Saturday I've lost half a stone through lack of appetite, cried everyday while managing to get myself in a stress induced insomniac state.
DS on the other hand, is having the time of his life and can barely be bothered to text.
I really want to treat this as a new chapter in my life, however I have fibromyalgia which means life is about pacing, being careful and not "chucking yourself out there too much."
I feel frustrated, isolated but obviously happy for ds - I just failed to realise that Empty Nest Syndrome is a genuine condition lol.

OP posts:
Teddy1905 · 23/09/2018 17:08

Lolimax, i'm with you. So proud of him, and all summer i've been saying "this is great, he has to do this" but I feel absolutely lost without him. Xx

Lolimax · 23/09/2018 19:00

I’ve just had a photo from DS of him with all the boys in his block. Fair play he’s grinning like the proverbial cat! I came home and cleaned which always grounds me.

feltcarrot · 23/09/2018 19:33

Teddy, I’m with you there, just dropped my youngest off, there was only one girl there who we made him say hello to! Hoping he’ll meet people tomorrow from his course.

Original poster
NewChapter11 · 23/09/2018 19:46

Ds called today and didn't seem in a hurry to get off the phone which was nice - the knot in my stomach melted slightly today. Still not interest in food, and I'm normally a gutsy cow.
Ted Freshers should hopefully help your ds find his feet. Perhaps his flatmates found each other on a messenger group prior to moving in, which can give the illusion they're all suddenly mixing well when infact they've been chatting for a few weeks.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 23/09/2018 20:54

For all us mum's sending them all off to Uni

frogintheTyne · 23/09/2018 20:57

OP - I was you four years ago.

I was a blubbering mess for weeks.

He's back home now, a grown up fine young man.

Still messy though. Even messier, actually. Driving me a bit nuts.

TheThirdOfHerName · 23/09/2018 21:03

We dropped our eldest off yesterday. Only one brief moment of tearfulness (this morning) but I feel very anxious and out of sorts. Feel slightly sick all the time and my arms ache.

Redland12 · 23/09/2018 21:16

I remember leading up to the time my dd was going to Uni, at times I cried so hard I really couldn’t breath. I thought I couldn’t possibly live without her here and not seeing her every day. I would sit in her bedroom or lie on her bed looking at photos of her with friends on nights out. When nobody was at home I would call her name as if she was in her room, loudly. Luckily she was only an hour away, so we would go for Sunday lunch. (Quite a bit) she didn’t mind at all. I missed her badly as she is the perfect daughter. But it does get easier, and I’m so proud of her as she’s doing really well. So when my son went I was dreading it, it’s wonderful having them around the house and then nothing (only a year apart) he to about an hour and a half so saw him too. And, he too is doing really well. They both had a fantastic time in Uni but when I remember those early days I get a funny tummy, I understand your feelings and it’s horrid but it will get better I promise. Good luck to all the guys who have returned this year. 🌷🌷

petalpower · 23/09/2018 22:07

Teddy I’m just the same too. Poor DS hasn’t met anyone yet despite his best efforts and just sounds lonely and fed up. The girls in his flat have closed their doors and even though he’s been going down to the common room to see if anyone wants to play pool there’s no one there. Fingers crossed things improve when he meets the people on his course.

Teddy1905 · 24/09/2018 08:18

Yes Petal, sounds like they're in a similar situation. 😟 as if we're not worried enough! Fingers crossed for both our DS that this week is better for them. X

Xenia · 24/09/2018 08:35

I'm sorry you are upset. I am afraid I adore it. I love all the 5 children but when I got back having left the final 2 last week it was like heaven on earth! I have never had enough time alone ever in my life. Even now every day someone has demands on me, day in day out.

scaryteacher · 24/09/2018 09:30

It improves no end believe me. Ds is now home after 6 years (including boarding for sixth form, BA and now MA), and I had got used to it being just dh and I and the cats. It's just as big an adjustment having them back as them going.

If they find their feet at university it'd great, just as it was for us. We have got them to the point they can cope on their own (with a little parental help on how to pay the gas bill in the background), and we should be glad they can do so.

Agree with Xenia about getting the 'alone' time!

Original poster
NewChapter11 · 24/09/2018 10:11

Xenia Five children! In your shoes, I could definitely appreciate the appeal in time alone but ds is my only child - I haven't had the experience of children gradually flying off. For me it was more of a "gone in a puff smoke" moment.

OP posts:
marvelousways · 24/09/2018 11:48

It will improve with time.
DS1 is now just starting his third year. He is our oldest dc. When he first went I was sad for a good few weeks. Would find myself becoming tearful at the drop of a hat. It quite surprised just HOW sad I was! But it did gradually get better, and we have all adjusted.
We dropped dd1 (dc number 2 ) off though for her first year at the weekend and I am going through it all again. It just feels like something is missing. I am just being kind to myself, and telling myself it will get better.
Flowers look after yourself.

crimsonlake · 24/09/2018 12:34

Petalpower, I do think it is the luck of the draw who they end up sharing in halls with. I know in his first year one of my sons ended up sharing with 4 girls and one other boy who went home most weekends and whether they find their tribe within their course. Sometimes the build up to Freshers week turns out to be not all that for some. I have 2 at Uni and neither have said they enjoy it and have more of a social life than the other, this is just me reading between the lines. Personally I also think it is a great deal harder on single parents when they have no one left at home. Having dropped off my last son yesterday I do feel that a house is not a home without them in it. You do get used to it and build a life for yourself, otherwise what is the point and this is what life is now.

IrmaFayLear · 24/09/2018 13:07

Poor mini Petalpower. I do remember when I went to university I was in a corridor between two third years, who obviously were not interested in a first year, and everyone else in my bit did Geography so hung out together. It was very difficult to make friends, as lectures were quite large so you didn't really get to talk to anyone there.

Today there's such a huge pressure on students to have this amazing Freshers Week, and obviously not everyone does - by any means. Ds went to university last year and he struggled a bit at first.

Wonderwine · 24/09/2018 13:09

Can I check in here for a handhold?
Dropped DS off yesterday - 250 miles away - and to what was his insurance choice uni, not his first choice.
A levels were a bit of a disaster to be honest, and he's jolly lucky to be where he is, but there are so many emotions swirling around I can't work out what's what Sad.
I'm disappointed about his A levels - he really should have got his predicted grades - and I'm not sure if his uni is really as good a match as his first choice would have been.
To his credit he's putting on a brave face and going into with enthusiasm and positivity, so I guess that's the important thing Smile.
For my part, I feel completely and utterly drained Sad. I feel a bit as if a long 18-year project has come to an abrupt and unexpected end. Mad, I know. I am clearly over-invested!
I am trying to completely fill my diary for the next couple of weeks, so I don't have time to think about it much and just hope time will heal the large DS-shaped hole in my life right now...

AbsintheFriends · 24/09/2018 13:20

Extending a hand for holding here, and adding my own feelings of bereftness. I've done the post-summer drop off a few times now, and every time it feels a bit like a blow to the stomach, though a slightly less brutal one than the first.

This morning I've thrown myself into cleaning my dd's pit of a bedroom, which I've been dying to do for weeks and thought would make me feel better. However, I keep coming across little childhood treasures, souvenirs from summer holidays past and long-ago Christmas stockings, and every one brings it home that an era is over.

I know it's how things are meant to be... We're the lucky parents, who have watched our kids grow up and spread their wings, but it is still bloody painful. (I'm just upsetting myself more, thinking of parents who would give anything to be in our position Sad)

Wonderwine · 24/09/2018 15:06

Thanks AbsintheFriends - I'm not ready to tidy his room out yet - still a bit teary. It makes me laugh though, as he's left it as he would if he was going away overnight, rather than for 10 weeks! So I DID have to go in and switch things off and remove old water bottles, a few bits of laundry etc.
Just had a text exchange over lunchtime and he sounds happy. Said he's going to watch Bake Off with a large group in some shared common room tonight rather than go out partying... Grin

petalpower · 24/09/2018 23:05

Hope things are going better for you all. DS has had a better day and has finally been able to speak to a couple of people on his course. Apparently there are 4 girls in his flat and he is the only boy. He sounds far more positive today. Thankfully I missed his late night Skype call to his younger sister where he had a major wobble about whether he’d made a big mistake. I just feel exhausted with it all!

crimsonlake · 24/09/2018 23:20

4 girls and 1 boy, is not a good set up and I wonder why the admin in charge of room allocations let this happen? In my experience those in halls tend to start looking for houses to rent together for the following year quite early on if they get on. Hopefully your son will make friends on his course and move in with them next year. I have also done the post Summer drop of a few times now and yes it gets a bit easier and I always feel very melancholy for a few days after. I felt very flat today and the house is eerily quiet, even the cats seem depressed. I just have to get used to it again.

Teddy1905 · 24/09/2018 23:40

Yes petal, I think is exhausted is the word! My DS is also the only boy with 4 girls (so far). He says the final room (of 6) is still being renovated. But at this rate, if nobody else moves in, I'll move to Bristol myself. Xx

petalpower · 25/09/2018 06:19

DS says the girls all seem to have been very late applicants for accommodation and one of them only was confirmed on Friday (the day before she moved in). DS applied at Easter and had his place confirmed on A level results day. It is making things tricky as they are all very different to him. He is trying really hard to make friends on his course though. I’m quite annoyed at the hall provider as I imagined there would be at least one or two events to help people mix. All growing up and character building stuff I suppose.

EdisonLightBulb · 25/09/2018 06:38

It does pass, you get used to the tidy rooms and less washing and fridge filling rather quickly. He will soon be back for Christmas for four weeks x

ElfrideSwancourt · 25/09/2018 07:16

I know just how you feel OP - when my eldest DD when to uni I felt real grief-I was surprised how awful I felt when I was so excited for her.

She's just starting her final year and dropping her off for the last time I feel that 'end of an era ' grief again- she will be home to visit but will start a 'real' job in July next year (she already has an offer) so won't be home to live again, only to visit.

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