Oxbridge applicants 2018 part 2

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

Hopefully this is in time!

Sorry, there not they're 😲

I think I keep my daughter's intellectual success rather under wraps. I know that various things worked in her favour. My partner and I are both well-educated. We have loads of books and argue a lot in a vaguely intellectual sort of way - and she's had access to a wide range of experience. She has always been a bright kid. There may be lots of other parents who really really want their kids to succeed in terms of doing well at school and getting to the university of the choice. But it's not a level playing field. Yes, my daughter has worked hard. Yet she's had so many advantages - to do with environment/genes/whatever. And other kids who work very hard may not get grades that are as high or the place at the university they really want to go to. That's why I keep relatively quiet.

In a weird way one of the things I was proudest of with my daughter was when she got a Merit in a music exam. Music doesn't come naturally too her. Or when she does reasonably well in one particular sport. Most sports she doesn't do brilliantly with because she's not the most physically co-ordinated person. So maybe we should boast, not about our kids stellar achievements, but when they've managed to achieve some small milestone in the things that they struggle with.

Harriet, DD's best friend applied to Oxford, both of her parents are alumni, DD applied to Cambridge and neither my husband and I nor our parents went to university. I felt there was far more external pressure to succeed for DD's friend than for DD.
Not everyone makes the most of their advantages just as others don't allow their disadvantages to hold then back.
People are equally deserving of their successes, it's important to share the success stories.
If I hadn't known my friends had attended Oxford I don't believe I would have been as supportive of my DD applying as it would have seemed ridiculously out of reach and not for 'people like us.'

I think I am also ambivalent about celebrating academic success because it was the one way in which I made my parents happy and the one thing that they praised.

They didn't seem interested in my happiness or my friendships or the way in which I overcame shyness or my creative abilities. If I raised money for charity they didn't comment about it. So I thought my sole worth lay in passing exams - and the flip side of that was that on those occasions when I didn't get the highest mark I thought of myself as a failure.

I think that sometimes, yes, it is helpful to others to share stories about success.

But there is something that I personally am struggling to achieve right now - something which I have been trying to do for a good many years. And when I go onto social media and find other people sharing stories of their successes in this field, there are times when it makes me feel incredibly miserable.

Maybe it is also good to share stories of our not-successes?

Hubble. I think it is normal human nature to struggle to genuinely feel happy for the success of others. When I told a colleague that my DS had an offer from Cambridge, instead of just saying well done, she proceeded to tell me all about someone who had been miserable at Cambridge and dropped out of the same course. It just resulted in my feeling awful. It is a shame we can’t all be pleased for others but I know I am guilty of it too.

Holly I agree with you. There should be no need to be deliberately secretive and I want my DS to know I am proud. Lobster you are right about good friends being happy for us. I have been stupidly upset and angry today but you have made me feel so much happier. Thank you.

Sorry to hear that jeanne. It's not a nice side of human nature.

I think it is probably helpful to get a range of reactions from people - though I can see that it's best when people share pleasure in your children's success.

I think when I was in that situation - having received my university offer - everybody told me I would have a wonderful time. It might actually have been helpful if some people had told me it would be quite a challenging environment. Or that there'd be times when I might struggle to adjust.

It's not always about trying to bring people down - though yes, some people will do just that. I think it's about being realistic, after the initial feelings of celebration, that there may also be some fresh challenges ahead.

Harriet those concerns are something you might point out gently as a parent. Friends should surely just be happy on the assumption this is what the young person has chosen for now.

Hubble sympathies. Don't worry about it, it's just how it is. What I have noticed is an often enormous grace among the DCs' Y13 peers who've been disappointed themselves. Extraordinary that largesse seems to shrivel with age in so many people. I've learned to do my DC down all the time in real life, things just work better that way.

Holly that's so bad given that it's family. My family - siblings I really mean here - have always been super warm in their congrats even though some (at least equally bright) cousins have missed out. Hope your DD is happy with the offers she's got.

Hello everyone,

If you have a DC with an offer to study Maths, or Maths with Comp Sci, at Cambridge which includes STEP II and STEP III, and your DC is UK domiciled and attends a UK state school then they should have received an invite to a STEP preparation day in Cambridge (in March).

If your DC meets these conditions, but they have not received the invite let me know and I can chase it. Also if you (or your DC) have any questions about the day feel free to ask!

Thanks Pallando, I'll ask dd!

Yes she did get it :)

OYBBK that's great!

There is nothing that brings the parental claws out like other people's children's academic success.

Honestly, if your dc was captaining England in winning World Cup team, or was first person on Mars, the congratulations would be warm. Mentioning the dreaded Oxbridge, however...

I never say anything to anybody. If they ask where ds is/where he was going, I would say, in a matter of fact way. But I did get some corkers, eg, "Isn't that one of those new ugly colleges?" "Er, well, it was founded in 13something so it's not one of the very oldest, no." "Apparently all the private school people choose Bristol/Durham/St Andrews now as Oxbridge is full of state school people." "Well, ds should be right at home, then." "Toby wouldn't have been happy at Oxbridge - he's so well-rounded - the narrow focus would have been all wrong for him." "Yes, ds is a bit of a one-note person."

“oh the thoughtful ones do less well at interview” is a favourite of mine .

I don't know. Is it parental claws? I used to feel quite sad about my stepson. He was a very able young man in some ways - but also rebellious and had lots of the standard teenage troubles. His exam results didn't really reflect his ability and though he did a university degree, nothing was ever easy.

I felt quite jealous of my old friend who seemed to have the perfect, bright, hard-working son who went onto study at one of the country's most highly-regarded universities. I think it was the way my friend talked on and on about her son, that rankled with me. She was talking about subject choice for A-levels and said 'We couldn't take that risk'. It seemed to me she over-identified with him, and also that she was much less interested in her daughter who struggled with some exam subjects.

This may be horrid of me, but it seemed to me that my friend's hubris was - almost tragically - followed by nemesis. Perhaps the burden of parental pride was too much for the young man. He had two major breakdown's one at the prestigious university and another when he retried to take a similar degree elsewhere. He then spent two years hiding in his bedroom at home and getting some treatment for depression.

I think the young man is probably moving forward now. But I did used to get so sick of my friend going on about how wonderful her son was, while my partner and I were tearing our hair out about our stepson. (Who is now doing all sorts of interesting things.)

Yes and I've had 'was the offer unconditional? Because that's what they give really bright people'.

I hope that's not the way I come across among friends Harriet :( I always try and steer the conversation to their dc. I felt mega guilty after I blurted dds news out on social media because I didn't want to come across as one of those parents. I really wish I hadn't done that.

OYBBK don't feel guilty. As parents we celebrate everything - walking, using toilet, losing teeth, swimming certificates AND getting a uni offer!!

I know, it was just rather tasteless when I have friends whose dc were unsuccessful. I've spent a lot of years trying not to outwardly celebrate and keep dds stuff private but sometimes it bursts out

And you can't be blamed for that! Read Holly's lovely post above.

I'd say the analogy was a little like being pleased that you're pregnant when someone else is struggling with fertility issues. Of course you're glad and sooner or later you announce the good news. (Or people learn about the good news in some other way.) Most people will be delighted. However, for a few people - possibly for quite valid, understandable reasons - it may be a struggle simply to share your pleasure.

CELEBRATE or the DC will feel ashamed of their success.

Never do your DC down or feel like you need to. Other DC will be celebrating things of their own which are no less valid or amazing.