We've survived the first half term - go us! (starting uni 2017)

[flyingpigsinclover]

New thread....we've got to the first half term!

As a veteran raver in the 80s/90s I'm fairly relaxed about moderate drug use.

My DC say they don't partake ( do any young people actually admit it to their parents?) but it wouldn't be a great concern for me if they did.

Me and all my raving friends were wild in our youth and now perfectly married, mortgaged and middle aged.

But would it worry you if drug taking/clubbing were such that it prevented a DC from doing much else, including attending lectures?

Or would it worry you if the noise/smell/crowds in shared accommodation were such that it was preventing your own DC from doing much else, including studying?

DD is fine, and after a rocky start things have calmed down. But she knows she is in a relatively easy position of coming to University from a relatively high achieving school environment. Her course seems to have a lot coming in with contextual offers who are finding the change in pace initially quite hard. It is surely unacceptable for educational opportunities to be made harder or limited by the behaviour of others. The wilder kids seem to be the ones who seem confident that parents will top up their bank accounts when they run out.

I would add that both DC have known 19 year olds who have died suddenly, with the assumption that drugs were involved. Many experimenters will end up respectable, middle-aged and middle-class, but not all.

Her course seems to have a lot coming in with contextual offers who are finding the change in pace initially quite hard

Dd said the same about people finding it hard, not so much because of contextual offers because the difference was not as great as at some universities but because you don't have to have an a level in the subject she is studying, she feels like this puts them at a disadvantage because the introductory module to the subject has finished already so they have only had a month of getting to grips with the subject whereas she has had two years.

That said, one person somehow got in with ABC when the contextual offer was AAB and they are struggling. I'm surprised that they got in, I think they might not have done in other years when there was more of a limit on student numbers. They must have had a good personal statement or impressed at the interview.

I wouldn't worry if my DC did too much partying in the opening weeks of first year, no ( in fact I'm sure they did).

Nor would I make the assumption that people who do like clubbing/socialising don't keep up with their work in the long run. That's not my experience as an academic, a parent or personally.

As for mess. Well, DD's kitchen is a shit hole. We just laugh. What's the point of getting het up?

When we visited DS, you wouldn't want to sit on the communal loo ( I didn't). But DS hasn't even commented ( probs hasn't noticed).

Don't get me wrong, if Drum And Bass boy we're next door I think DD might actually kill him. That is unacceptable. But general noise is simply a constant in all halls, I think.

But Carl, and assuming you or one of your DC is studying science or similar with clear building blocks, a certain amount needs to be done in the early weeks. More so at Oxbridge with short terms, where some of DD's contemporaries are working astonishingly hard to stay up with the pace.

DD is lucky as she has a 12 week term and came in with more A levels and better grades than some, so is not overly stretched, but its still 30 hours contact time a week, with compulsory attendance. Some are finding the transition difficult. You may be right that the party crowd will do fine. But is it not a bit arrogant for them not to be sensitive to those who need to be up for 9.00am lectures. Individuals can do what they want, but they don't have a right to harm others.

Far too sensitive (or perhaps I was not clear) - I meant that I've taken the view that if I got into a parental froth. I wasn't inferring anything about anyone on here. Biscuit being doled out a little hastily I think!

DS arrived home at 1am on saturday morning. Last night his sister, her bf, DS' friend and his mum joined us for dinner, which was lovely. Then he went out with some other mates. I drove him to his second gig 20 miles away today. Beautiful weather and autumn scenery and DS was chatty so that was really nice. I gave him the leftovers from last night's dinner. A full on weekend for him (and me) rehearsing, playing, snatching one evening after a rehearsal with his gf, catching up with friends and family. He will be very tired tomorrow.

His halls are fairly noisy but he doesn't seem too bothered by it. Mice in the kitchen. Cooker and shower are dodgy. I'm in the group of parents who think their DC probably haven't done any drugs but I agree that you can't be completely sure. I was very pleased when he volunteered the info that he is going to try to get up earlier in the mornings and surprised to hear he's trying to cut down on sugar. And that he considers fruit and veg a good investment.

sorry goodbyestranger

need I know you find it difficult to understand why my DC ( one of who is at Cambridge) and I are very relaxed about it all.

But we are. As are most parents I know. I can't pretend otherwise. My DC are both home this weekend and although knackered seem to have nothing but positive stories of this new stage in their life. The craziness of life in halls seems to just make them laugh or roll their eyes.

Sure the behaviour of others can annoy them. But they understand that things they do probably royally piss off other residents.

18/19 year olds can be thoughtless, daft, aggravating, illogical. That's to be expected. But they can also be creative, joyful, experimental and open minded.

As a parent and academic I don't believe they need to work like dogs to make the most of university life. I don't advise my students to do so and wouldn't advise my children to do so either.

Have had such a lovely weekend seeing DD, some family games, helping her catch up with a couple of friends also home this weekend, and watching Blue Planet 2 together.

So, just really ordinary stuff, but some nice opportunities to see how it's all going for her, hear a bit about her new flatmates, and even a little about her course too.
Think DH and DS have really appreciated seeing her too.
Just nice to know that she can get back for a weekend home once in a while, even if most likely she will next be home at Christmas.

Ah it's fine toffee, no problem.

Perhaps my being relaxed is because I know when something isn't in any way in my control any more, and have to leave DC to it. It just strikes me as being pointless to try.

Needmoresleep mine have also known drug related deaths and growing up where I did and at the time I did I saw all manner of colourful drugs. But the young do seem to think they're invincible, or immune. Something must filter across the brain though, sooner or later. I just don't think once they've left for uni I can influence them much on a large number of scores.

DS on his way back now. Weekend gone all too quickly, but lovely.

He rolled home drunk at 2.30 this morning after going to a party with his old school friends last night but was up and quite chipper by 10.30.

Had a family Sunday roast chicken lunch then off to catch the train.

One of his flatmates is moving out because she thinks they are all too noisy. Made me feel bad after some of the posts I've read on here - although honestly I don't think DS is in a "party" flat - they all seem very sweet & sensible. Some of his flatmates face-timed him on Friday evening when we were in the car coming home, which was really sweet. He introduced them all to me, DH, DS2 and the dog!.

Forgot to ask him about drugs. That will have to wait until next time.

And tried to motivate him to get a temporary xmas job at home but don't think that was very successful.

Mine just off to catch train too. They will be back in 3 weeks for DMs 80th birthday party. It’s been lovely having both at home.

Carl, clearly different ideas of fun...

Are University academics really relaxed about students whose prioritisation of clubbing over other activities means they are barely attending? I accept that young people are adults, but they can also be daft, and presumably benefit from guidance.

Is your son taking a science subject? DD knows some at Cambridge who are able to engage in a wide variety of activities on top of their courses, but others who really have to work almost all the time.

One of the reasons DD did not apply to Oxbridge was that she wanted the additional teaching time and headroom which would allow her to balance academic, with other stuff. However she still needs to do quite a lot of study, plus has a lot of early starts, so is frustrated that for some, clubbing is the only thing that seems to matter, with the implication that if you are not out every night having "fun" you are somehow sad. And that this justifies shabby treatment of flatmates who may being having to work harder.

It is clear that many parents are quite relaxed. They are the ones who are topping up, now loans have run out.

need when it comes to fun we are very broad and Catholic Church here in Casa Carl.

It is clear that many parents are quite relaxed. They are the ones who are topping up, now loans have run out.

DD would be in serious trouble if her loan ran out because there is no money available to top up. Her rent has been paid for her and now it's down to her to live on her loan and to save money from it as well. She spent £200 in her first month including text books and whatever she did in freshers week.

Carl, yes. But the question is whether Casa Carl's broad approach to fun justifies, say, your son is regularly waking up his neighbours at 4.00am or crowding out his accommodation with a lot of randoms who have come in for pre's, or stinking the place out with weed, to the extent that the majority are unhappy and feel it is adversely affecting their own academic and social experience.

Honestly other kids manage to have plenty of fun (and hangovers) without resorting to either ketamine or missing teaching.

It is only a minority, but as in adult life you only need one nuisance neighbour.

As for bale outs, I suspect relatively affluent parents may simply decide it is easier to pay up to ensure their DC don't drop out.

That's not correct in my case Needmoresleep, about topping up.

I agree that having fun doesn't require ingesting quantities of drugs on a nightly basis but equally those who do like the party/ clubbing side of uni aren't necessarily anti social little shits.

Would they know if they were anti social little shits?

They may be a minority but there are enough of them to cause a problem and quite often they and their parents think they are just having a bit of fun.

It is possible to party but still be respectful of other people around you.
I'd like to think my DS falls into that category.
On the subject of drugs, we have had some very frank discussions with him.
I partied hard in the late 80s and early 90s but quite frankly Ketamine terrifies me and all of our friends of a similar age and disposition.
I'm surprised that anyone who works with young people (as I do), would be remotely relaxed about it's effects.
Have had a lovely visit with DS this weekend. He's loving his course and has made some great friends. Am breathing a sigh of relief.
I hope things settle down for those who are finding it harder.

Well, to an extent I think some DC are unused to living in a community, which does take some getting used to. As Needmoresleep says, neighbours can sometimes make life bloody but on the whole I suspect that a lot of DC whose parents are on MN Higher Education threads have largely been insulated from excessive noise. My own DC, with seven siblings living a small cottage, have learned a valuable life skill of living and working with noise, not that I'd recommend that as a sensible introduction to university or communal life. DS1 had an exceptionally beautiful first year room but had Merton College Chapel clock just yards away chiming every quarter of an hour so loudly that the window shook, and a very conscientious organ scholar playing the piano (albeit beautifully) in next door room at all hours of night and day. Is that any better than bass drums guy? I don't think so, both are intensely irritating, but part of life in a communal setting. You're only young once and all that. Partying is part and parcel of uni life for many (surely not the minority?), and I'd have thought rightly so.

I wouldn't say that playing piano all hours of the night is acceptable. Noise abuse maybe. Same with bass and drum guy. Same with banging on someones door all night and vomiting in the corridor.

However partying and respecting neighbours on your return falls into 'your only young once' category.

DD was home this weekend (mostly to see her boyfriend). No evidence of drugs apart from the antibiotics she's been on for the past week.

Before she went she always wanted to know why we were interested in where she was and what she was doing. Now she's telling us when she's out, when she's home, whether she's set the alarm, when she was on the train, when she was back at uni, etc.

DD's next door neighbour is a quiet type. Studious and tee total. He's also a wanker. Literally.

What ya gonna do?