Starting lectures at uni 2017

[HSMMaCM]

The other thread filled up really quickly, with exciting talk of laundry, mattress toppers and lost property.

Here's where the rest of them settle in, get through freshers and the work gets serious.

If you can, go down.

He almost certainly needs some familiarity and food. And a chance to talk things through with a bit of adult perspective.

DD sounds absolutely flat, and a bit down. I am so glad we saw her last weekend, as I am confident it is a mix of total newness, quite a heavy workload, and no sleep. The no sleep is the killer. Even second hand it feels like she is being put through some form of medieval torture. With no established friends to help her through.

DD will be OK. She has met a group that she fits in with, and she likes her course. She is also lucky that she arrived with more than minimum grades, so has a bit of headroom, had a year out where she lived and worked away from home, and can cook.

Allow that he may be right, and he is in the wrong place or on the wrong course, but try to find out what is wrong. It equally could be something else. Is he eating and sleeping? Is he finding the move to University style learning a challenge? Is he craving the familiar? Reassure him that he wont be the only one who feels disorientated. Suggest he tries a few things like help with study skills, or being patient but active in trying to find his friendship group. It sounds as if he can be tough and determined. If he has really made the wrong choice it is not failure to admit it. But it needs to be for the right reasons.

Hugoagogo how worrying for you and what a shame after all the effort he has put in. Agree with HSMMacM, try and get him to make an appointment with Student Services which might help him to pinpoint why he is feeling like this and take some steps towards solving what the issue is.

He needs a good chat with someone before he takes drastic action.

I do feel that there is a bit too much hype about "going to uni" these days. It's getting to be like Christmas! The shops full of "off to uni" stuff - and I even saw an illuminated sign you could put in the back of your car. I think ds would have leapt out of the car if we'd set off up the motorway with a "I'm going to uni!" sign flashing in the back.

And stuff in the press about Freshers Week and tall stories from friends at other universities. It all adds up to making some (probably a lot of) students feel they're not having a good enough time or their flat isn't friendly/wild enough.

It's only a few weeks in and I'm sure 90% of students haven't found wonderful soul mates, or are enjoying every second of their course.

When I spoke to ds he said it feels as if he's had a good holiday and now he's ready to come home for a rest...

hugoagogo. as others have said, go and see him if you can and also encourage him to talk to the people at his university: he may have a personal academic tutor, there will be a pastoral support officer.

Reassure him that they won't try to force him to stay if it isn't right for him (this isn't school), but that they will sit down and listen to him and do their very best to help him.

Absolutely go and see him if you can.

Then you'll know if it's teenage catastrophising, or if he's genuinely unhappy.

It might be there's something fixable.

My nephew had a bit if a melt down at this stage last year. Sil went to see him, and after a long chat he got his head round what was bothering him, and he stayed. Best of luck.

*bit if

Argh I give up

hugoagogo another one who would go asap if a DC spoke about dropping out. I'd resist the temptation in the early days if they just sounded down, but not after a few weeks and once dropping out had been mentioned. Agree completely about the ridiculous hype. I send mine off with gloomy warnings about the over hype and the wisdom of keeping expectations very low. I do hope you find him ok, if you're able to go.

It's so hard to walk that tightrope between stop moaning and get on with it and protecting their mental and physical health isn't it.

What I usually find (dd with long history of anxiety and depression) is that if I am there at the other end of the phone call and listen, it doesn't take that long for dd to wind down and start finding her own solutions. She doesn't actually want someone to rescue her, just someone to be a sounding board.

I did go up when she asked me to a couple of weekends ago, turned out she had already sorted the problem by the time I got there, but she rang me the day after to thank me and told me it's knowing that we would come that gives her the courage to cope without us.

So many parents have made early visits that DD's flat has a parent "cake tax". Parents are supposed to leave cake for the flat. we had to go out and buy some.

I’m going later today (have home made cake in car).

Cake has been an essential requirement for all 3 of my dcs when going to Uni. I make Nigella Lawson chocolate brownies ( and add white chocolate chunks!) always a crowd pleaser and very easy to make.
A victim of my own success, I now need to make a batch at start of each term for them to take to their flats!

Sympathies hugoagogo and I'm glad to read people's thoughts here. My DD is also struggling, having worked so hard to get to a good uni, including resisting an AS. Agree that there is so much hype, and uni on social media just looks wonderful. I say my DD briefly on Saturday and left her sad and feeling rather homesick... She has started to make a couple of friends, has joined one or two things, and has some good things to say about her course. But she's worrying about the work and finding the lack of structure difficult; flat mates are all really messy and the constant mess in the kitchen is bothering her, and she's not the party type. There's a lot of adult stuff that needs sorting (form filling etc), that just feels like hard work doing it for the first time, I think. Sigh...

One of mine is going through the same thing. Her block mates are lovely but heavy drinking & out partying til all hours - just not her type of people. She’s joined some things, spent 3 hours voluntarily playing quidditch 😳, is full of a cold and hasn’t met anyone she feels will be a future friend. She has a twin & we’re a very close family so she’s never been so alone before. I want to scoop her up and bring her home but have got to work this weekend & dh is away. It’s so hard watching from the sidelines😢

I'm sorry to hear of those who are struggling.

Fingers crossed, DS seems fine. He's going food shopping today which should be a revelation to him. I've suggested meal planning to avoid waste and to check the price per Kg of stuff.

I'm such a bad mother - he said he was coming home to see me on Saturday and I had to tell him that I would be out! One day in the year that I actually have something unmovable planned and he decides to come home :o

Have had DD on the phone in tears last night. Loves the university, hates her course. Want to switch. Don't know what to do with her, she is going to see welfare and her tutor tomorrow but it's unlikely she can change. So is so unhappy I want to swooop down and get her but I think she needs to work through this herself. It's so hard, she is number three and the first two settled so well I don't know what to do

I hope all of them sort it out. Mine seem okay. Not giving much detail to me but that's fine. They are 18.

for others watching their DC struggle. SO hard, especially as they do have to sort it out for themselves really. Knowing how best to support them, how much to step in or back off, is also tricky I think. DD2 is struggling with 6th form, so I'm feeling a bit swamped!

Sorry for all those children who are struggling. DD hit a wall at the start of week 2. She spoke to her tutor who was really helpful and she's been fine since. She has found there's a huge amount of work to do, to prepare for lectures as well as post lecture/lab.

Oldie, what has 18 have to do with it. Mine is pretty resilient and is coping, but there are so many variables and you only need a couple of things to be awry and it can feel pretty bleak.

I agree with LadyinCement. DS went to London where there tends to be less fanfare about freshers week and so more scope to dip in and out, and simply take part in what suits you. He was not expected to live through a week long party with no chance of sleep, whilst coping with a whole lot of other stuff. Interestingly when he met up with schoolfriends the first Christmas he was surprised to find about half of them had not found their feet, including some at Oxbridge. A year later practically all had. It is a lot to take on in a short time, and expectation and reality can be very different. Even if you are 18.

hugo I'm sorry to hear that. Can you go and see him?

FWIW, a relative of mine went to uni, hated the course despite having wanted to do that subject for years. They left, reapplied for a different uni and course for the following year and never looked back. Whilst it's not ideal, leaving and reapplying isn't the disaster that it seems at first. Another relative hated it, stuck it out and ended up loving it.

Ooo, thinking of everyone finding it difficult. Such a huge change for them all, and for us at home too.
Hope everyone will settle or work out what they need to do next.

I would go and visit or get DD to come home for a weekend at the drop of a hat at any serious sign of trouble.
Fortunately all well here. They even made a nice veggie roast dinner together in her flat last night, and she sent impressive pics of her roasties!
These little things very encouraging aren't they?
But truly wish everyone was happy and settled x