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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Humiliated Sons Exam results publicised

409 replies

Frances39 · 08/09/2017 01:21

My son received his A-level results this August and is about to head off to university. However his college which he attended in their assemblies have being showing his picture and results in all the assemblies. My son did very well despite several unfortunate happenings during his exams, however he did very mediocre compared to the rest of the leavers. In their assembly's they put up the A*AA etc. students up and those going to Oxford/Cambridge, then they went on to show my sons grades and his less prestigious university as some kind of charity case. My son has not left his room now for a couple of days since hearing about what the school did, he did not even tell his close friends what grades he got. He feels humiliated and violated that they would do such a thing without his consent and that he was contrasted with Oxbridge students. I have no idea what I should do, I will he contacting the school and maybe a solicitor. I cannot imagine what my son must be experiencing

OP posts:
Thiscantreallybehappening · 08/09/2017 19:55

I seem to be going against the grain here and I have only skimmed this thread, so I could have got totally the wrong end of the stick and before I post I should probably read in thoroughly but surely OP has a point. Her son's grades should not have been publicised without checking with him first that he was happy for that information to be released?

AccrualIntentions · 08/09/2017 19:55

It's irrelevant whether the op is proud if him it not. It's whether he is proud if himself that matters.

And you don't think the two could be linked?

Original poster
Frances39 · 08/09/2017 19:55

I am proud of him, he has gone through so much personal tragedies in the last 8 years from brothers suicide to dad being killed by a drunk driver, another close family members murder and bullying.

Whatever exam result he or anyone else gets whatever it is, is private until they choose to not make it so.

OP posts:
Thiscantreallybehappening · 08/09/2017 19:59

AccrualIntentions - I haven't picked up from the OP that she isn't proud of her son. I think OP comes across as very proud and supporting of her son. OP is obviously upset at the situation and wants to rectify the situation. The school has come across as being tactless and they clearly have not given any thought to the position they have put OP's son in.

Original poster
Frances39 · 08/09/2017 19:59

My son thinks I'm too proud of him, on results day he was telling me to calm down and that "it's not that big of a deal". He is sick of any praise that I give him for his results, but it's not stopping me from constantly telling him

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 08/09/2017 20:00

I certainly wouldn't be involving solicitors. Because I think you/he will be on a hiding to nothing.
But I wouldn't have liked my DD's A Level results being relayed to the school without her consent. Thinking back, I think they were on the school's website on Results' Day because she had done well, and because she had done well it didn't bother me/her in the slightest. But I would otherwise have been thoroughly pissed off. Not sure what you can do about it after the event, other than for your DS to email them to tell them how he feels, and hope they don't do it again.

RainbowBriteRules · 08/09/2017 20:01

I also totally get you OP. It does very much read as shaming your son. Posters saying the results are good and the university is good are technically correct but a really high achieving school may very well not see it as that and portray it in a negative way.

There is a world of difference between publishing a list of grades and singling out a student who got less good grades than others. My old school would almost have publicised this as a warning to others to work hard. Please note this is NOT my opinion of the results before I am flamed.

It concerns me that posters are adamant that this kind of behaviour by schools doesn't not upset children - here we have a clear example that it sometimes does and the poster is being attacked for it.

I think legal action would be counter productive though OP and it would really be best to help him move on now (while contacting the school and writing a strongly worded letter to the governors).

SuburbanRhonda · 08/09/2017 20:01

Has your DS had any counselling after his brother and dad dying?

Original poster
Frances39 · 08/09/2017 20:03

To look into whether there is an unlawful breach in the duty of care and the right to have his data protected.
It's not about money or some kind of financial gain.

OP posts:
Thiscantreallybehappening · 08/09/2017 20:04

Rainbow - my thoughts exactly.

OP writing a strongly worded letter to the Governors is a good starting point.

Bluntness100 · 08/09/2017 20:05

What would you be suing for op, compensation? For the hurt it caused? Do you have a lot of money to sue them and go through the court systems? Would it not be better to support your son get over this?

The school did wrong, but hiding his grades from his close friends, hiding in his room,threatening violence, for me this would be a much much bigger concern and my primary priority to deal with a grown man behaving this way. What are you doing to deal with this?

I don't agree however they showed him to be a failure, they showed him, if true , to be someone who achieved the success of a uni place. I do agree they shouldn't have done it, if what you're saying is true though,

But yes, for me, the school,would be my secondary focus, my major concern would be my adult sons behaviour and how to manage it.

brassbrass · 08/09/2017 20:06

*OP has already stated that her son has had more than his fair share of shit hitting the fan in his life and despite this he still managed to get good enough grades to get into uni. The fact that they were not top grades is nobody else's business.

To have him compared with the highest graders in the school IN FRONT of everyone was awful. NO-ONE else in school was mentioned in the presentation. NO students who have jobs to go to, NO students who are doing further training elsewhere as examples of a different path from Uni. Just the highest and ops son who obviously wasnt in the highest set. Whatever was the point to that?

Its not her sons problem to be 'an example' to the rest of his ex school, its not the schools right to use him like that. *

Stop attacking the OP how is that helping?

OP maybe stop replying to some of the less helpful posters and put into action whatever you think is going to help your son. You know how he's feeling and what he's been through better than anyone else. Approach the college and see what they have to say and depending on how they respond you can decide what to do after that.

A solicitor may be able to gently help OP understand the college's data protection policy and her son's data protection rights and may be able to explain if pursuing a case is even possible / unwise. Attacking her won't.

Original poster
Frances39 · 08/09/2017 20:08

He's been to many forms of counselling and therapy but doesn't enjoy it or feel that it to be necessary for him to have to bring up memories on a weekly basis .

He find's a degree of comfort in trying to forget and just live his life and seems to prefer it that way

OP posts:
brassbrass · 08/09/2017 20:08

Christ just seen your later updates. So sorry for everything your family has been through Flowers

Ktown · 08/09/2017 20:09

I am unable to see what you want out of this situation.
Do you want an apology? If so I am sure you will get it.
If you want to blame your sons mental health issues on this I am sure you will be able to dine out on this for years. You need to stop and move on for his benefit. What do you actually want from the school now?
If you want a happy life for your child you need to tone down your responses.
It may not have been kind but it isn't the disaster you are describing.

Thiscantreallybehappening · 08/09/2017 20:09

Bluntness100 - My DS didn't do as well in his A levels as he had hoped but was still able to go to his choice of University but he didn't tell his friends his grades either. I don't think it is "hiding" grades but sometimes as a person you don't want to discuss every grade, result etc and actually it isn't anybody else's business - it is a private matter and for the individual to decide if they want to share.

RainbowBriteRules · 08/09/2017 20:12

Not quite the same thing but I recently did a course. I worked really hard and passed but did not do very well. Made worse by the fact I had done very well in the previous course. I was embarrassed to tell people and only told a few people who actually asked me. It's not that unusual to want to keep things private.

Original poster
Frances39 · 08/09/2017 20:13

He never hid his results from close friend's, they just never discussed what they got as they don't care. They arent friends because of what grades they got but because they get along and have fun going out etc.

OP posts:
Thiscantreallybehappening · 08/09/2017 20:13

Ktown - very harsh post. This is obviously recent and raw for OP's son and OP is trying to work out the best way forward. OP is obviously upset for her DS. I think it is awful of the school to do this have you tried to put yourself in her position and think how you would feel if this was one of your children.

MaisyPops · 08/09/2017 20:16

If the OP had said 'my son has a history of mental health issues and both us and the school are proud of him. The thing is the school used him in an assembly as a positive example but he's taken it badly. I know what's done is done, but would it be unreasonable to contact the school to discuss the situation?' then the responses would be different.

She didn't do that though.

What we got was I'm so pissed off because the school did an assembly abd humiliated my son by talking about him abd his results. He is threatening violenec and I want to take legal action against the school because they are causing all this distress on my child. They basically called him useless. I want a legal opinion on this so i can sue the school

That's the difference.

brassbrass · 08/09/2017 20:22

Have some fucking compassion.

Headofthehive55 · 08/09/2017 20:27

personally i find I'd be a lot less distressed by my medical details being announced than my exam grades.

AccrualIntentions · 08/09/2017 20:28

Spot on Maisy. Maybe that's not the truth of how everyone involved feels, but it's sure how it comes across to me in the posts.

MaisyPops · 08/09/2017 20:42

brassbrass
I can have compassion with how he feels without condoning the OP's disproportionate response.

Do i believe the school were trying yo make a positive statement that's celebratory? Yes.

Do I think the school made the wrong call? Probably if they knew the full extent of his mental health issues and that he may respond badly to public praise etc.

It would not be unreasonable to speak to the school to ensure that they maybe flag some students not to use as examples in future.

It doesn't mean arguing for taking legal advice against a school is a proportionate response. And that's before the massive drip feed about ongoing mental health issues way into the thread.

Original poster
Frances39 · 08/09/2017 20:46

He doesn't have mental health issues, he is rightfully pissed off to have private details made public. He just wants to live his life without his rights infringed upon so he can live a normal life and move on from all the past tragedy.

OP posts:
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