New Uni starters 2015 (continued from Preparing for Uni)

[circular]

Thought we needed a new thread to continue from preparation.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/higher_education/2466997-Preparing-for-Uni-in-2015-continues

Suspect all have arrived by now...

Dd came home this weekend and has slipped comfortably back into the old routines. It's like she was never gone. She's made very good friends with one of her flatmates who keeps texting her because she's missing her already

DD is going to visit her boyfriend next weekend, and has a one-hour wait between trains in London, so I am going to meet her for a late-night cup of coffee. I can't wait! Haven't seen her since 21st September.

She was being a bit vague about plans for us to come to her Halloween weekend and I thought she wasn't that bothered. But the other day she phoned and ask when we're coming, and said she is the only one in her flat who hasn't had a visit from her parents. So now I am going up for a day on the 24th, AND again with DH and DS for Halloween weekend (though she expects to be out partying on the Saturday night).

The practicalities (food, washing) seem to be going OK, and she has been shopping and socialising with her flatmates, so that's all good. She did have a bout of fresher's lurgy last week.

The only worry I have is that she says she has a lot of free time - not what I expect to hear of an engineering course.

Oh no muffinmonster. Your last sentence is what worries me too. DS is also on an engineering course. He has 19 hours contact time which is every morning and one afternoon. When I spoke to him the other day I asked him if he had been to the library yet (huge new library at his Uni was one of the things that attracted him). His reply was "no, I need to get there sometime"!!! What the heck has he been doing every afternoon?

Dd said there is a lot to get used to and it takes time (and courage) to do all the 'firsts'.

She said that being an independant adult brings it's own responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, budgeting, keeping safe, setting up systems, accessing IT, registering with gps, etc.

On top of that there is meeting all the new people, flatmates, coursemates, tutors, lecturers and finding your way around the campus and town, working out the bus routes and times, and getting the work/rest/socialising balance right.

Some students also have jobs or are looking for them/applying/going to interviews.

Then there are things like joining the library, not knowing how anything works, getting used to the set up, etc. On top of all of that, almost everyone has a cold and is feeling a bit rundown and overwhelmed.

So whilst they are coping with a lot all at once, they are all in it together and are helping each other but it is very tiring and might take some a little longer than others to get to grips with it.

She has a reading week first week of November so may come back then for another visit. We've had a lovely tme with her. Going to give her a roast dinner at about 5.00pm and then drop her back at the train station, all rested, refreshed and ready to go back into the fray

Arghhhh I'm so angry with Ds I don't know whether to scream or cry

I spoke to him for the first time in a week last night and he seemed v tired and still full of cold but reasonably ok

Then this morning I wake up to a series of texts sent from him in the middle of the night saying he was finding everything overwhelming and he wished he'd taken a gap year first

As soon as I thought he'd be up I FaceTime'd him and it turns out that he's not been to see his mentor, doesn't know who his personal tutor is (he missed the original appointment as he was in hospital because of his ankle), that he didn't know which modules he was supposed to be doing and that he hadn't been put in a seminar group for one of his subjects (he's doing joint honours). Oh yes and he's not read any of the emails coming through to his uni email and he's not sorted out delivery of his DSA equipment - or joined any societies. Not entirely sure what he has been doing

I'm really cross as dh went up to see him the week before last to check that everything was ok and he's been lying to us - he told me he'd met and liked his tutor etc etc when it turns out that he "didn't know who to tell" when he got out of hospital so just decided to ignore everything

He's now saying he wants to defer until next year

Arghhh what do we do - how do we help him sort this mess out? Is it even possible?

It sounds like he is feeling overwhelmed notis.

Tell him to start reading his emails and be on the end of the phone ready to help him through them if he doesn't know what to do.

He'll be ok once he gets his tutor and modules sorted out.

I think the lying was just panic.

I would suggest that he does one thing at a time. Making an appointment to see his tutor should be a priority now.

Agree with Fairenuff, he's panicking. Meeting his tutor will help and he'll just have to start with the emails and wade through them.

As Fairenuff said, it IS pretty mind boggling if you consider just what they do have to get to grips with in the first few weeks.

It's a steep learning curve for most of them.

noits I'm sure it IS possible to sort this out. Faiarenuff is right, he needs to speak to his tutor as soon as possible.

bigbluebus, DD also has 19 contact hours a week, but at least she has managed to visit the library or, as she pointed out, 'Learning development centre'.

I know this because, just as I was starting to type this post, the phone rang and it was DD with the news that she has split up with her boyfriend and next week's trip to visit him is off. She said it was amicable and she has seen it coming for some time, but unsurprisingly she sounds rather down. I really want to hug her right now.

So I am bringing forward my one-day visit by a week and we will test the restorative powers of nail-varnish shopping and Mexican food.

Mmmmm, Mexican food. Sounds lovely!

noits Is the mentor someone who is funded by DSA? My DS has a mentor funded this way to help him with his organisation. Is your DS's for the same thing? It is so hard as they are expected to be independent enough to access this support but if they don't, no one will chase them - it's so unlike what they were used to at school/college. My DS says he has met his mentor once and is meeting again tomorrow. I hope he isn't lying as well - he has form for it
I also suspect that your DS is probably just having a panic/wobble at the amount of stuff he hasn't yet organised and the realisation that no one else is going to do it for him. In reality - do you think he would actually do it any differently if he left it until next year? And what would he do with a year off?
He needs to prioritise meeting the mentor who can hopefully help him with the rest of it - I know the temptation as a parent is to want to jump in and do it all for them but it will be better if a 3rd party can help him.
All you can do is support him and encourage him to be truthful rather than telling you what he thinks you want to hear. It is so hard when you can't see what is going on. I hope he manages to get the help and advice he needs and comes to a sensible decision soon.

noits - I do sympathise. Can you go up and spend a few days helping him write emails to set up appointments. Also call mentoring service. I did . Get your son to write to them to say he gives permission.

We went on a visit today. Ds has a few issues with coping with so many lectures - concentration - but learns really well from videos of ones he's missed. The new learning style is a culture shock for all - more so for those with special needs.

We emailed ( helped him write it) mentoring service to help him set up another mtg to help him to inform academic staff of his difficulties and how he is resolving them.
He also has not met tutor yet and we've asked mentor to help him locate tutor and set up a meet.

Gap years are great. Ds did really well with one ( so that is an option) but problems still to resolve. If you have time to meet and talk you will here the positives too. Our Ds is doing well in the tests for example.

I am ready to take time off work and spend a few days with my DS if things get on top of him. Was always in my plan B. Now ,Plan A - it is a phone call twice a day to discuss organisation.

Actually, my Ds seems to be doing better than we feared a week ago. Things turn a corner.

Your Ds deserves his DSA support.

NoIts How frustrating and how worrying for you. You must want to shake him and hug him at the same time.

Sorry for all the DC's who are still finding their feet and feeling overwhelmed and hope you are all coping ok.

We visited DS yesterday and it was lovely to see him and for DC's to see where he is. He is still struggling with DG breakup and I think she is having second thoughts and calling a lot - he's been pretty down and still not keen on his course so I'm hoping he's going to take the offer of seeing a counsellor.

I have to say leaving him yesterday was awful, when we took him down the first time it was still exciting for us all but yesterday I realised he is unlikely to ever live with us again. We moved rural when he was 5 but he never liked it and for years has told me once he left he wouldn't come back - not because of our home just because of the location and lack of places, resources, activities, transport etc.

Although he is finding things difficult he said he couldn't see anything here for him now, everything he needs is in Manchester. He wouldn't commit to coming home in reading week or Christmas and as we left it just felt terrible. I left home at 19, the youngest and last of 3 siblings and now I feel so guilty, I even apologised to my mum about it last night.

Of course I'm probably just being dramatic and he will come home in a few weeks for a visit having hopefully settle in properly. I'm just feeling sorry for myself as I didn't expect to feel like this.

NoIts I hope DS gets sorted out, I agree he probably panicked so lied, I know my DS hasn't told me the truth about everything.

Min I'm glad DS has decided to stay on his course after speaking with the tutor.

augustI'm sure he'll come home for Christmas even if not for reading week.
We also live in a rural area and DS couldn't wait to get to a city - although I'm not sure he is truly embracing city life to the full at the moment.
My DS doesn't have a reading week during this semester and we have just been panicking as we looked at flights for him to come home for Christmas and realised that the options are disappearing fast. I texted him and said flights needed to be booked asap and got a reply of "I'm busy tomorrow, I'll look on Tuesday", so I rang him and forced the issue and we've now booked flights for him - otherwise they'll all be gone . I can't believe the apathy.
When he rang me on Friday, he sounding quite cheerful - he sounded very quiet and distant today. I'm not sure if he is tired or finding the whole change of lifestyle too overwhelming. He owned up to only eating junk this weekend as he couldn't be bothered to cook - this is the boy who is a real foodie and used to turn his nose up at fast food restaurants and chains.

Thanks everyone - yes he is supposed to have a mentor as part of his DSA package. He's not got ASD - don't want to out him as his diagnosis isn't that common but he has associated ADHD-like difficulties with concentration, organisation and processing. He is phenomenally bright though and that has often got him through - that, and a major support network at home and school...

He's calmed down a bit this evening and has written a list of what he needs to do and says he was panicking this morning. He's agreed to keep me up to date with his progress

He started seeing his first 'proper' girlfriend soon after his exams finished in the summer. She's still at school and he's missing her a lot and that's not helping him settle. However she is lovely and very sensible so in many ways is very good for him.

By the way I was extremely calm when I was talking to him - just needed to vent on here! Dh is away for another week and is not being v helpful as he wanted Ds to do a completely different course anyway (one which Ds point blank refused to consider...)

When is this reading week you all speak of? I am hoping dd doesn't have one rather than me stupidly booking to be away when it is on or something! Am slightly regretting now that I made plans to go away at half term. Won't see her till I visit in 4 weeks.

Feeling slightly sad that most of my friends seemed to have their dds home this weekend. Trying to be positive that mine must be having a good time if she wants to stay!

Procrastination seems to be common with this age group. Dd was dithering about when to come home for Christmas- wanted to wait to see what her housemates were doing. I saw a cheap ticket & booked it for her! Less than a tenner so no big deal if she changes her mind.

Decorhate, not all Universities have reading weeks. I think it might also depend on subject.

Also DS' overseas friends tell him that many Universities empty out over holidays, to the extent that he is offering that a school friend can stay with him in London, where this does not happen. So probably wise to book the train.

I think a few DCs are at Manchester where reading week is the first week of November.

At DD's university they call it 'Aspire week'; there's a focus on employability and they have talks by big companies. Also the first week in November.

Noits hope he's OK, sounding a bit overwhelmed, especially as his start was not exactly as expected. I'm sure with a little help from you and contacting the right people, he will be fine.

Muffin Hope your DDs OK with the split and you enjoy your visit.

A lot of DCs seem to have already met tutor, DD due to meet hers this week.

Don't think she has reading week, though her Uni seem to have it, but never really expected it for music. Hasn't even had to buy a book yet, though had managed to join the library, and tells me she needs to write an essay. Possibly her first in almost 3 years.

DD is generally very disorganised, but her energy seems to come in fits and starts. One day we get 'Don't keep going on about everything I still need to do mum' the next I get proud little messages, sometimes with pics, of what she has got done.

Am I wrong to be worried that she hasn't mentioned any struggling with the academic side? One part of me thinks she could be hiding something and not want to worry me. Or it could be that the new way of learning suits her better than A levels did and she has actually taken to it?

circular, we have three options :
(a) DD appears not to be struggling - worry that she is not doing enough work.
(b) DD appears not to be struggling - worry that she is in fact struggling but doesn't like to say so
(c) DD appears to be struggling - worry.

I can't actually think of a scenario where I don't worry, unless it's graduation day and we've turned up to watch her collect her first-class degree!

muffin that made me laugh as its so true!
My DH visited DD yesterday and they did some exploring and had a FAB day together being nerdy! My DD does have reading week and will be home for 11 days!! Eeek I'm dreading her not wanting to go back after then! Also don't think it helps build friendships if she comes home and others stay!

Muffin that is true, I'm going through all 3 daily

DS said his reading week is supposed to be an 'employability' week so they are supposed to stay, not sure many of them will though.

You're so right Muffin
Can I also add
(D) DD appears NOT to be struggling - worry that she has gone off in her own little world and will come back down to earth with a crash when first lot of feedback received