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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DD so upset at uni it's breaking my heart

155 replies

amumthatcares · 03/10/2013 08:33

Just to re-cap: For those of you that read my previous posts, DD was torn between a uni for the city and it's vibrant nightlife and the top uni for her course in a quieter city. She firmed the top uni. On getting her results she had a complete melt down and said she'd made a terrible mistake with both the course and the uni. She wanted to be in the vibrant city and do a course that had a wider career path choice. We discussed everything, pointing out all of the possible pitfalls if she changed (ie, strong possibility of not getting campus accommodation, etc.,) She was still sure she wanted to change, saying that she would make friends with house mates and on her course etc., and so we did everything we could to help her swap through clearing.

She got allocated an off campus house (5 sharing). It started off badly when we took her down and nobody else moved in that day and so she spent the first night alone. The next day two lads moved in who she has got on well with. That was 3 weeks ago. This week 2 international students have moved in that obviously have completely different cultures and do not share similar personalities to my DD. She has been unable to meet anyone at the Uni as she has to travel by train for a one hour lecture of 100+ students and then 5 hours later (too long to spend hanging around on campus with nothing to do) go back for another lecture. Everyone just leaves the lectures and goes their own way and so she goes back to her house. She sees all her school friends on FB that are in uni halls, posting pics of Freshers flat parties and clubbing.

She is quite a strong, outgoing girl and very sociable and is in absolute bits that she is finding it so hard to make friends and have that uni Freshers experience. We have looked at the societies that the uni has to offer and there is literally nothing that would remotely interest her. Apart from feeling very lonely and isolated, her big concern now is that students start sorting out next years house shares shortly after Christmas and she is panicking about what she will do. I know she made the decision to swap and go there, I know she has to live with it, I know there is little we can do to help change the situation but it hurts like fucking hell to see your DC so distraught Sad

OP posts:
YouHaveAGoodPoint · 03/10/2013 18:03

A someone who has moved numerous times I find that it helps to be really straight with other people. I would suggest your DD tells anyone she thinks may be potential friend material that she hasn't met many friends yet. I literally used to say something like Hi, I am new and I have come here to try and make some friends I found people to be very receptive.
Perhaps your DD could try being a bit more upfront about her situation with her classmates?

Coffeenowplease · 03/10/2013 18:07

What city is she in ? I might be local I live in a uni town.

Pinkpinot · 03/10/2013 18:39

Come back in a month and tell us how she's getting on. I bet she will be having a great time!

UptheChimney · 03/10/2013 19:02

Let's hope so!

thinkofthemoney · 03/10/2013 21:23

This happened to me, I was in a flat with people I just didn't gel with. All my mates from home were having the time of their lives. I was miserable.
I cried to my mum every night, seriously looked into moving universities.
lThis is what I did;
Camped out in the housing office until they moved me.
Made friends on my course, who I moved in with the following year. 20 years later they are my closest friends, were my bridesmaids, we are godparents to each others children.
Joined the netball club and actively participated in the socials.

It won't be the end of the world at all if she drops out and goes somewhere else next year. I know loads of people who did that and were happier for it.
Good luck!

2rebecca · 03/10/2013 23:40

If this was the course and city she wanted to do though I don't see any reason to drop out. All that has happened is that she hasn't made many friends yet. If she comes home I presume most of her friends will be away at college so she'll be no better off and not have her studying and a wide range of societies to join.
I don't see that anything that awful has happened yet, just her accomodation not being on campus which she knew was a possibility.
Fair enough drop out if you do a term or so of your course and hate it, but not just because you haven't made friends after a week or 2 of being there and not making much of an effort to join stuff and hang about.

MABS · 04/10/2013 13:30

I know I shouldn't post this, but need to as sure you will understand :( Please God don't let anyone of you know the child.. DD just rang me, terribly distressed, a girl in her accom block collapsed and died in front of them this am. Paramedics did CPR but no use, that poor poor family . I just want to get on a plane to go to hug her, as does dh.

RatherBeOnThePiste · 04/10/2013 13:44

Oh lovely MABS, how tragic, devastating, that poor poor girl and her family, and your daughter and the others, how frightening and shocking. My heart goes out to them, will be thinking of them all. Will you go up this w/e?

Sad
ExcuseTypos · 04/10/2013 13:54

Sad how awful for everyone involved.

Her poor, poor familySad

MABS · 04/10/2013 14:13

I know, her poor family, it just beyond comprehension. Dd's mate is flying up this evening anyway for w/e so think best we don't really.

AmandaPayneVersusThePainballer · 04/10/2013 14:26

Oh MABS. This happened at my uni early in the first term. Well, not in front of us. A fresher died of meningitis. It was very frightening, especially since we were all hauled into a meeting about symptoms and looking out for one another.

The young have a feeling of being indestructible, so things like this tend to be a particularly massive shock. Even if she didn't know the girl well, it might take quite a while for your DD to process it. It is especially hard when surrounded by people you don't know well either, so it's good for your DD that she has someone with her.

That poor, poor family. Imagine waving your daughter off on her new adventure and then this. I'm actually quite teary thinking about it.

Original poster
amumthatcares · 04/10/2013 14:41

Oh no!! So, so sad Sad Big hugs to your DD MABS and all of her friends. That poor family. Truly heartbreaking. As Amanda says, you send them of on a new and exciting chapter in their lives, never imagining for one moment that something like this could happen.

An old school friend made a FB appeal on Tuesday as her DS hadn't come home the night before and she couldn't get him on his phone. At the same time a local news story was given out about the discovery of a body and it turned out to be her son Sad

It certainly puts life into perspective and makes you count every blessing!

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 04/10/2013 14:51

Oh no, I can't bear all this talk of children dying.

My dd lost her best friend 2 years ago, she was killed by a speeding driver. The last 2 years have been truly horrific for dd.

I know I sound so utterly selfish, but if anything like this happens at DDs uni she just couldn't cope with it.

I feel so, so sorry for the familes of these poor children and all their friends.

fussychica · 04/10/2013 15:09

How awful. I don't know how you cope with that.

Thank heavens our DS pulled through despite a misdiagnosis. I don't think I would have had the will to carry on if he hadn't especially as I'd recently lost my dad when it happened.Sad My heart goes out to them.
Hope your dd is ok MABS.

creamteas · 04/10/2013 16:15

MABS This is a terrible situation, but please be reassured that the university almost certainly has a contingency plan to support students on campus, and the family, through this time.

MABS · 04/10/2013 17:06

Thanks Creamteas, I think the uni are being very good dd says. How terrible Amandapayne, must have been dreadful.

One of dd's best friends killed himself last Dec, was truly horrific, I don't want her to regress coz she has done so well to get over. Terrible to say I know, selfish when there are those poor parents today :(

RatherBeOnThePiste · 04/10/2013 17:21

One of my daughter's friends has just died from the bastard what is cancer. He was 16, and her first boyfriend. Boyfriend as such, they went for a milk shake in Year 7 a few times. Bless them. The enormity of it is shocking everyone, like you say, they feel they are invincible, and the realisation that that was his life and it is over, the grief, shock and anger. Just so sad.

Have been thinking of her and her family all afternoon Sad

Have you heard again from your DD MABS? Glad her friend is going up. Xx

RatherBeOnThePiste · 04/10/2013 17:23

The university will be prepared and ready to support the students, I have every confidence.

ancientandmodern · 05/10/2013 09:40

MABS so sorry to hear of that young girl's death and feel so much for her family and fellow students....One interesting point is the reaction of posters who I think have direct university responsibilities and who, quite rightly, say there will be support on hand. Big change from when I was at uni, came out of Finals and discovered a very twitchy looking lecturer waiting who then,in front of everyone else and on the pavement outside the exam halls, proceeded to tell one of the students that her father had died of a heart attack that morning. I can still see her shocked face and hear her howling --absolutely terrible thing to happen, of course, but made so much worse by inept lecturer.
Obviously things have changed, in that unis now understand more about support, and so I think also true that we as parents are more alive to the kinds of help our student children need.

PicardyThird · 05/10/2013 10:03

We had a fresher die of SADS when I was in my second year. It was a dreadful shock to all, especially her fellow freshers, but indeed there was support for all who needed it - and that was 17 years ago, so I expect things will be even better prepared now in that regard.
So sorry, what a shock for your dd.

UptheChimney · 05/10/2013 10:36

Yes, there are now very good systems in place for support. And let's hope that students use them ...

But I think talking about an "inept lecturer" is a bit harsh. A) he's only human, and it's tough telling someone that their father has died; and B) there's a point about telling someone as soon as possible about such awful news.

Ideally in private, yes, that was an error but should the news have been kept from her too long? Obviously let her get on with her exam, but I think I'd want to know as soon as possible.

Look, the thing is that lecturers rarely get the sort of support for dealing with all the stuff that we have to deal with. I doubt that lecturer had any support: he may have been trying to do his best in difficult circumstances, without advice or support. That is not unusual, still unfortunately. University teaching staff certainly don't get the kind of support that students get for our own disabilities or mental & physical health crises, in my experience. I'm not asking for sympathy about that: we're grown ups. We cope, because actually, we're extraordinarily good at coping with highly stressful lives. But we are also as human as the rest of you!

MABS · 05/10/2013 11:23

been talking to dd from 2.30 am - 4am this morning, she in helluva state :( dh itching to get in car and make long drive..

ancientandmodern · 05/10/2013 12:46

MABS I would be with your DH and go. My MIL, who was much loved by all the family died at 97 (so not big surprise, but unexpected IYSWIM). DD1, who is highly organised, very level headed, had fantastic and supportive group of friends at uni, was actually at a sports training week she'd help to organise. After a couple of phone calls when she said she was sad but OK, we ended up driving to see her, waiting till a break in training and sitting in the car with her eating (or trying to eat) sandwiches and just talking for an hour. She really needed those friendly faces.....appreciate not as far to go, but I wouldn't hold back if the journey is doable.

MABS · 05/10/2013 15:37

Dd will be on a plane home at 7pm tonight, flying back to Newcastle 7am Monday morning. all arranged :)

ajandjjmum · 05/10/2013 17:19

I hope you have a good day together with DD and your family tomorrow MABS - bet you're all looking forward to some big hugs.