DD so upset at uni it's breaking my heart

[amumthatcares]

Just to re-cap: For those of you that read my previous posts, DD was torn between a uni for the city and it's vibrant nightlife and the top uni for her course in a quieter city. She firmed the top uni. On getting her results she had a complete melt down and said she'd made a terrible mistake with both the course and the uni. She wanted to be in the vibrant city and do a course that had a wider career path choice. We discussed everything, pointing out all of the possible pitfalls if she changed (ie, strong possibility of not getting campus accommodation, etc.,) She was still sure she wanted to change, saying that she would make friends with house mates and on her course etc., and so we did everything we could to help her swap through clearing.

She got allocated an off campus house (5 sharing). It started off badly when we took her down and nobody else moved in that day and so she spent the first night alone. The next day two lads moved in who she has got on well with. That was 3 weeks ago. This week 2 international students have moved in that obviously have completely different cultures and do not share similar personalities to my DD. She has been unable to meet anyone at the Uni as she has to travel by train for a one hour lecture of 100+ students and then 5 hours later (too long to spend hanging around on campus with nothing to do) go back for another lecture. Everyone just leaves the lectures and goes their own way and so she goes back to her house. She sees all her school friends on FB that are in uni halls, posting pics of Freshers flat parties and clubbing.

She is quite a strong, outgoing girl and very sociable and is in absolute bits that she is finding it so hard to make friends and have that uni Freshers experience. We have looked at the societies that the uni has to offer and there is literally nothing that would remotely interest her. Apart from feeling very lonely and isolated, her big concern now is that students start sorting out next years house shares shortly after Christmas and she is panicking about what she will do. I know she made the decision to swap and go there, I know she has to live with it, I know there is little we can do to help change the situation but it hurts like fucking hell to see your DC so distraught

[MABS]

thanks girls :)

[MABS]

Well, picked up dd from Lhr late last night and pleasantly surprised! quite bright and talked openly about the poor girl and what happened. She said what was upsetting her as much as what she saw is the constant police presence everywhere in the accom block. Has been chatting lots, shopping in a moment :( then out for sunday lunch. She flies back 7am tomorrow but she, and I am far happier and relieved now. thanks so much for all your kind words girls.

[ajandjjmum]

Hope your DD is safely back at uni now - I'm sure some time back with her family will have given her a boost to cope.

[MABS]

am struggling today, but she went off very bright :) could have done without a 4 hour delay on her flight back due to fog...

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

Bless her, you heard from her since she got back?

[RatherBeOnThePiste]

amumthatcares - How is your DD today?

[MABS]

Dd is fine! Out tonight :) yes, mumwhocares,how is she? X

[Thants]

I was in the exact situation that your daughter is in when I started uni 6 years ago. I was so unhappy and was bullied by a housemate which made things even worse.
I think there are ways to improve things for her. I would say join societies even if she's not that interested just as a way to meet people. Invite her flat mates for a coffee etc, once they get to know each other better they might get on!
I do think it is important to remember however that if things do not improve that leaving is always an option. I felt completely trapped and it left me with an anxiety disorder which I still suffer with. If she starts to become very depressed it is not worth risking her health staying there! I wish I had felt like I had more of a choice to leave when I was desperately unhappy. It affected my work too meaning I did no where near as well as I could have.
Uni's all have counselling too for free which I would recommend.

[BlackMogul]

I think what is a mistake is to go into a small house in the first year. It makes it way more difficult to meet friends and a hall is a lot better. I am going to disagree with a lot of posters here because if the international students are from China, there is a very strong possibility your DD may not even see them. There are different cultures and they will have their own society. It's what people do when they are in a foreign country and there is nothing wrong with it. There are social undercurrents regarding university accommodation and people do like to be with like minded students. This is where choosing the right Uni and hall come into play. I disagree with the "everyone will want to be your friend" picture painted by many here because reality is something different as it totally depends on the social chemistry between you and your friends. That is the glue which binds you into a friendship. My DCs are unlikely, as they say, to be big buddies with "some random." Not PC but that's how it is.

[amumthatcares]

Gladto hear you DD is feeling better MABS

My DD is plodding on, thank you peeps for asking . She did apply to join a society that captured her interest when she went back last week, but she has heard nothing back so she is going to try again. She had friends down this weekend and so was busy/happy, but it's obviously not the answer. She and one of the lads she house shares with have made a pact to do things together ie., visit the campus bar etc., in a bid to meet people as he is finding it difficult to meet people too. I think it mostly stems from being off campus and having to make that much more effort than those being 'thrown together' in halls. Sadly Black she didn't have the option of going into halls and I do agree with your term of phrase 'social chemistry' - really what I meant when I put 'like minded people' -though I think she is craving female company more than anything at the moment.

Only one of the international students moved in last week in the end and so at the moment she is sharing with 3 boys (still one room vaccant). When the uni housing office mailed her back last week they did say they tried to balance the male/female ratio and would try to get another girl in there....here's hoping.

[UptheChimney]

Well, I guess she's learning about the consequences of her decisions. It's not as if she didn't know that her housing off-campus would be a likely consequence of switching her university choice in Clearing. Silver linings and all that ...

[amumthatcares]

Very true UptheChimney but I imagine she thought that she would be sharing with at least one other girl that she could join forces with to meet other girls. This is probably worst case scenario for her, but hey-ho, as you say, her decision, her consequences.

[UptheChimney]

She probably needs to look at other ways to meet new friends as suggested upthread, in her tutorials, through clubs & societies. You said her "hobby" is clubbing. One university I worked at did indeed have a [night]Clubbing Club!! Pretty vapid IMO I think that university is a place to learn all sorts of new stuff not just go out to nightclubs and drink -- some really exciting activities, such as polo & skiiing & caving & hill walking are subsidised at my place, so very cheap & an opportunity she's unlikely to get again.

[BlackMogul]

Up the......do you mean Polo with real ponies is subsidised!!!!???? Really? What an amazing waste of public money. Bet that packs in the boys from Eton. How cheap is the Polo by the way?

[BlackMogul]

Actually OP, I did forget to say that halls get vacancies because students drop out. Forget this meet people in pot holing club stuff, a clubbing girl wants like minded mates on a Monday night when the university students descend on the clubs. Get her to go to the accommodation office right now and see if they can find a room that has been vacated. Alternatively, go find those Polo boys!!!!

[Twiddlebum]

A lot of people drop out of uni so places in halls become available. See if she can move into one

[amumthatcares]

Haha Black that made me smile. Not sure she would have much in common with those Polo playing boys and a clubbing girl wants like minded mates on a Monday night when the university students descend on the clubs absolutely!!

She did email the housing office and they said the only chance she has got of moving is a swap...apparently they still have 100 students unhoused (though there had been an empty room in DD's house since she moved in on 14th September )

[amumthatcares]

though there *has been an empty room

[LaVolcan]

There must be a student notice board somewhere. Could you get her to put a notice up saying accommodation swap required? My niece hated being in halls and would have jumped at the chance of a swap for a quiet house off campus.

[ajandjjmum]

I honestly think she would be better going to the accommodation office - people are going to try and help more when they can see someone has put the extra effort in to getting the situation resolved, rather than relying on an anonymous email.

She could also tell them about the spare room in her house - get the numbers down to 99!

I feel for you though - although it's a situation partly of her own making, I know I always worry about mine if they're not happy. According to my Mum, it never stops!

[PenguinsDontEatPancakes]

I agree. She needs to get off the email. Email is impersonal and it is very easy, as a busy person in a busy job, to respond in an impersonal way.

She needs to be standing in front of them, showing how upset she is, making them think about whether there is anything extra she can do.

[PenguinsDontEatPancakes]

*they can do.

[MABS]

I agree, go in face to face and talk :)

[ajandjjmum]

How's she doing MABS? And you?!!

[MABS]

Thanks for asking, she really is fine, very happy and settled there again, pretty sure she telling truth! we off to Oz on wed so she needs to be fine is you see what i mean!!??