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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

DD so upset at uni it's breaking my heart

155 replies

amumthatcares · 03/10/2013 08:33

Just to re-cap: For those of you that read my previous posts, DD was torn between a uni for the city and it's vibrant nightlife and the top uni for her course in a quieter city. She firmed the top uni. On getting her results she had a complete melt down and said she'd made a terrible mistake with both the course and the uni. She wanted to be in the vibrant city and do a course that had a wider career path choice. We discussed everything, pointing out all of the possible pitfalls if she changed (ie, strong possibility of not getting campus accommodation, etc.,) She was still sure she wanted to change, saying that she would make friends with house mates and on her course etc., and so we did everything we could to help her swap through clearing.

She got allocated an off campus house (5 sharing). It started off badly when we took her down and nobody else moved in that day and so she spent the first night alone. The next day two lads moved in who she has got on well with. That was 3 weeks ago. This week 2 international students have moved in that obviously have completely different cultures and do not share similar personalities to my DD. She has been unable to meet anyone at the Uni as she has to travel by train for a one hour lecture of 100+ students and then 5 hours later (too long to spend hanging around on campus with nothing to do) go back for another lecture. Everyone just leaves the lectures and goes their own way and so she goes back to her house. She sees all her school friends on FB that are in uni halls, posting pics of Freshers flat parties and clubbing.

She is quite a strong, outgoing girl and very sociable and is in absolute bits that she is finding it so hard to make friends and have that uni Freshers experience. We have looked at the societies that the uni has to offer and there is literally nothing that would remotely interest her. Apart from feeling very lonely and isolated, her big concern now is that students start sorting out next years house shares shortly after Christmas and she is panicking about what she will do. I know she made the decision to swap and go there, I know she has to live with it, I know there is little we can do to help change the situation but it hurts like fucking hell to see your DC so distraught

OP posts:

ExcuseTypos · 03/10/2013 12:09

Sorry, I thought there was only one page so have x posted with everyone

AmandaPandtheNightmareMonsters · 03/10/2013 12:21

You have had loads of good advice, but I'll add a bit anyway.

I had a similar start at uni. Though my experience was of a crazy party hall where I didn't fit in. I met no one I got along with and felt very isolated. Considered dropping out.

Moving halls was a big turning point for me. I met people I could rub along with for the rest of the year. But I have to say, I didn't really find my feet until year two. Which was when I met most of my life long friends. Some of whom were the year below me. It really isn't like school where you don't fraternise with the year below- many of them are probably older than you with gap years, etc.

I agree that she needs to think about whether she wants to move accommodation. There are always no-shows and drop outs so places do come free. Also look into whether university hall places are every available to second years (it may require being on the hall committee in some form, but that's good for the CV!) because knowing she has a fall back of somewhere to live next year will take some pressure off. At my uni, at least a dozen places each year went to non-international second years per hall, who all arrived a day early and bonded.

Also, do look into clubs and societies. It is how you meet people, even if you drop the club later. I'd think about things which tend to have a social scene. Taking up a new sport - like a martial art, or trampolining - which many will not have done before is good. There is bonding over being crap, and often drinks afterwards.

I agree she needs to get to lectures early and hang out outside chatting to people. Get her to try to remember that that close knit group she can see outside have probably known each other 10 days. They aren't really close knit. They are just clinging to the people they recognise. On her course, as work comes in try to get her to talk to people about it. There are often group projects early on, but if not you can always strike up a conversation about something.

In her flat, I agree about setting up something social. Also, how are her two male flatmates getting on? What are they up to? Who are they socialising with? Maybe she can tag along. There is a lot of 'fake it to make it' in Uni.

wordfactory · 03/10/2013 12:29

Also worth finding out if there's a gym on campus.

If there is there are often lunchtime keep fit activities. They're a nice way to meet others.

Bonsoir · 03/10/2013 12:34

My DSS1 is an overseas student. He has met some absolutely lovely English boys on a course who are helping him cope with his homesickness (they threw him a surprise flat party on Sunday night with Domino's pizza and French flags they had drawn on A4 sheets and pinned to the walls).

Maybe the OP's DD could try reaching out to the international students rather than rejecting them?

Bonsoir · 03/10/2013 12:35

on his course

EldritchCleavage · 03/10/2013 13:08

I agree with Bonsoir-some of my best Uni friends were overseas students on my course.

OBface · 03/10/2013 13:22

To be fair to the OP DD I think it can be harder to bond with international students from my experience at uni (not that long ago). I seem to remember they very much formed friendships with other people from their culture and didn't necessarily want to do the same things as a home grown student (largely having paid a lot more for their course and not wanting to piss it up a wall!).

I think the best option would be to try and secure a move to halls even if it can't happen immediately. There must be a waiting list of some kind?

Bonsoir · 03/10/2013 13:26

University ought to about broadening your horizons... not about meeting a whole bunch of people who you understand perfectly from the word go because you have everything in common.

ExcuseTypos · 03/10/2013 13:32

I agree with that Bonsoir, but I also agree with OBface. As I've said up thread my dd has tried for 2 and 1/2 weeks to engage with some of her flatmates- invites to lunch, supper, going out for a walk, going for a drink, invites to watch films etc etc etc. They do not want to know. The will barely speak to her.
2 other oversees students in her flat have become very good friends already, so it is a very individual thing.

However the OPs dd may be hitting her head against a brick wall.

Original poster

amumthatcares · 03/10/2013 13:33

Totally agree Bonsoir but also agree with OBface - it takes two willing sides and that is not always the case.

OP posts:

Original poster

amumthatcares · 03/10/2013 13:34

Excuse that was scary. Thought your post was mine when I started reading! haha

OP posts:

ExcuseTypos · 03/10/2013 13:48

Great minds

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/10/2013 14:04

OP what about the people who she met over the summer who live in this city - Brighton isn't it? - where are they?

Not that I would really advise her forming a social life outside the university, because that will only make her feel more divorced from the people around her when she goes to lectures etc.

ajandjjmum · 03/10/2013 14:07

If it's any consolation amumthatcares, DS and his GF (who happened to go to the same uni), both said that it was not the non-stop fun they had expected, and it took some time to settle into their groups. They made a point of not seeing each other for the first couple of weeks, to try and establish some new friendships. Having graduated this year, they both have made good friends through sports clubs, their courses and accommodation.

The first few weeks were very hard though - and they were both conscious of their friends posting about having such fun on FB - although they thought some people were just saying it, because it's the thing to do!

Fingers crossed things pick up for your DD.

bigbrick · 03/10/2013 14:08

She could go along to the social support at her uni and explain how she feels and see what they can do to help. Joining a society and doing a team sport and volunteer work are good ways to meet others.

lainiekazan · 03/10/2013 15:04

Bonsoir, your dss is French and on his own.

Some students have no interest in making friends. I read something about Chinese students sapping the life out of some universities if they are there in great numbers because they don't want to mix or engage in any extra-curricular activities. I'm sure there are some who are joiners, but if they are among many peers who feel that socialising/spending time on clubs etc is time wasted (and to be fair, they are spending a shedload on their course and accommodation) then they won't break out.

Actually, on my course there were quite a few mature students. We all hated them! Being very childish all we saw were creeps who sat at the front of lecture theatres and didn't fraternise much. Some years later I did a post-grad course and whaddaya know, I was there down at the front. [Education wasted on the young, and all that...]

GrendelsMum · 03/10/2013 15:18

When I was on my gap year, a couple of older students gave me the best advice I've ever had.

They told me that the whole first term of University is probably going to be pretty grim - you're on your own, surrounded by strangers, struggling with work, and you've just got to get through that term and get through to a point when you have friends and a reasonable chance of managing things.

So when I arrived at University and the first term wasn't utterly grim throughout, I was relieved more than anything else! (second term was grim, but that was another matter...)

hermioneweasley · 03/10/2013 15:22

I was horribly home sick my first term at uni, and like your DD I had lots of reasons why I wasn't happy. She just needs to power through it, and you need to step away. I called my mother every couple of days in tears wanting to come home and she told me she would just take me back. It must have been so hard for her, but you need so show some tough love.

She does not need to come home for colds/flu. You can post her some lemsip if you are really concerned. You need to step away and let her build her own life.

Pinkpinot · 03/10/2013 16:06

My sister went to a Uni that didn't have halls of residence
She knew no-one, her first home was as a lodger in a crappy little room, my parents cried when they saw it. I think she moved 5 times in the first year
I honestly can't believe there is talk about starting again next year.
It's only a couple of weeks, she will make friends, it will happen. There will be other people in her situation

Could she get a job in the bar maybe.
Fwiw, I cried for my first 3 days in halls and I was 22. It is daunting but you do get through it

UptheChimney · 03/10/2013 16:09

I think I might have wondered out loud on your original thread about her maturity and suitability for university at this point in her life.

Gap year. Or two. Or maybe she never goes to university. It really isn't the end of the world.

UptheChimney · 03/10/2013 16:17

And also, a 5 hour break between scheduled classes is perfect for going to the gym, joining a society, hanging around with new people she's met (meet them in tutorials or in a club/society) and going to the library That last is what she'll need to be doing soon enough!

But if she stays, she really needs to grow up by taking responsibility for herself, and perhaps starting to realise there is more to life than "going out clubbing." Which seems a pretty shallow way of life, and certainly not a great for choosing a university ...

I made friends for life in a couple of clubs I belonged to, and indeed some of the skills and experience I got in extra-curricular stuff got me my first job.

And you really need to back off. Sorry to be harsh, because you seem to be very caring, but frankly, I'm not sure it's helping. It seems only to encourage her feeling that she's been hard done by, when from what you've said here, every decision has been hers

MABS · 03/10/2013 17:12

really feel for you, but think the advice has been great :)

fussychica · 03/10/2013 17:23

Coming home just because you have a cold/flu isn't really the answer. If she was at a place at the other end of the country she wouldn't be able to come home like this. My DS was hospitalised for half the first term in a town 5 hours away - we went to stay with him for a few days but couldn't be there the whole time. He had to cope alone for much of the time. It was hard but he made it through. He is now stuck in the middle of nowhere in France for his year abroad - I know it's not going great so far (think whole weekends alone not one night) but it's early days so it should improve and hopefully he has become resilient enough to cope.

What I'm really saying is what many other posters have said - it's probably time to back off a bit however hard that might be for both of you. Let her grow.

MABS · 03/10/2013 17:47

Is it brighton? Can I meet her for a coffee? Pm me if I can do anything at all

Original poster

amumthatcares · 03/10/2013 17:56

MABS you are right, the advice has been brilliant and I can't thank everyone enough.

I know coming home because of flu seems pretty lame, but she was at such a low ebb anyway, with her situation, she just felt she needed some comfort and support. She said she was coming home and she made the journey herself by train. We didn't suggest it, nor did we offer to collect her.

Upthe you are so right, it has all been her decision, despite all of the concerns we raised with her, she still insisted on going there and you can't even begin to imagine the number of times I have wanted to shout at her the things my DH did, but I didn't think the 'I told you so' approach would help her or the situation now. I obviously come across as too involved (and maybe I am, I don't honestly know, I only know I try to do my best) but believe it or not, I don't actually try to 'rescue' her everytime she tumbles, I just offer what I consider to be constructive advice when she asks me for it.

On a brighter note, she has gone back much more positive. She looked again at the societies and did indeed find one that she very much liked the look of. She is going to register to join when she gets back....let's hope the is the start of turning the corner

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