DD so upset at uni it's breaking my heart

[amumthatcares]

Just to re-cap: For those of you that read my previous posts, DD was torn between a uni for the city and it's vibrant nightlife and the top uni for her course in a quieter city. She firmed the top uni. On getting her results she had a complete melt down and said she'd made a terrible mistake with both the course and the uni. She wanted to be in the vibrant city and do a course that had a wider career path choice. We discussed everything, pointing out all of the possible pitfalls if she changed (ie, strong possibility of not getting campus accommodation, etc.,) She was still sure she wanted to change, saying that she would make friends with house mates and on her course etc., and so we did everything we could to help her swap through clearing.

She got allocated an off campus house (5 sharing). It started off badly when we took her down and nobody else moved in that day and so she spent the first night alone. The next day two lads moved in who she has got on well with. That was 3 weeks ago. This week 2 international students have moved in that obviously have completely different cultures and do not share similar personalities to my DD. She has been unable to meet anyone at the Uni as she has to travel by train for a one hour lecture of 100+ students and then 5 hours later (too long to spend hanging around on campus with nothing to do) go back for another lecture. Everyone just leaves the lectures and goes their own way and so she goes back to her house. She sees all her school friends on FB that are in uni halls, posting pics of Freshers flat parties and clubbing.

She is quite a strong, outgoing girl and very sociable and is in absolute bits that she is finding it so hard to make friends and have that uni Freshers experience. We have looked at the societies that the uni has to offer and there is literally nothing that would remotely interest her. Apart from feeling very lonely and isolated, her big concern now is that students start sorting out next years house shares shortly after Christmas and she is panicking about what she will do. I know she made the decision to swap and go there, I know she has to live with it, I know there is little we can do to help change the situation but it hurts like fucking hell to see your DC so distraught

Afraid I don't know about current financial implications, but again this is something student services will be able to advise on. Having been that person I think its a bit hard of some of the contributers on here to tell her to just get on with it, especially when you are in a house share with non.friends. And cultural differences often serve to emphasise your feelings of isolation if you are already feeling low. I hope the meeting with the hoping office goes well. Lots drop out in the first term so a room could come up on campus. Good luck!

Sorry if I sounded harsh in my post. I am a big softie really when it comes to my kids and lose sleep over things that worry them. I am just a bit fed up with the ridiculous expectations they have about going to 'uni'. It can be hard but it's a period of adjustment and she will adjust over time.

In a big city uni (like London) I think a higher proportion of students tend to be from the city - therefore have friends outside their courses. I actually got a job at uni and met most of my closest friends that way, we were all studying at the same uni, all working together and became good friends. It also helps pay off loans. If your daughter likes a party atmosphere perhaps she could see if there are jobs going in the union bar etc.

I chose hobbies I'd never done before when at college, mainly because it was a vocational college with a smaller range of courses than a large campus multi subject uni. Doing the hobby is just part of the society, I doubt she'll find a "clubbing" society and is maybe viewing things too narrowly. You go clubbing with the friends you meet through other societies. If she's sociable enough to enjoy clubbing then she must enjoy something. Part of choosing a university is choosing somewhere where you can keep up your interests. I'm sure she'll have looked at this sort of stuff when choosing her courses, it sounds as though she's just panicking now. She was maybe mistaken in going for a big city as often small cities and campuses do have a cosier at mosphere as students aren't as geographically diluted. I presume she decided against the smaller city for some reason.
I would encourage her to stick with it for now as it sounds as though she's just got into an indicisive panicky mindset.

My DD changed halls. First they said she couldn't when she asked. Then I rang up and they said no problem. So that could be an option. But she knew a few people at the other place so it worked out. I do think it sounds like she has got something to complain about. Most students would be expecting to have a really good time during freshers week and not be out on a limb.

Au contraire, if there isn't a drinking/clubbing society I'll eat my mortar board. It'll probably be called something else though.

I feel so sorry for you, it is awful for a mother to see their child unhapppy and I know how much I worried about mine going off to uni.

Just a couple of thoughts:

1. It is still very early days, she needs to keep going and keep trying
2. You don't know if people are like-minded till you get to know them so she may be writing off things too quickly. My DD took up social netball, having not played from the age of 14, met loads of girls from other halls, courses, backgrounds, etc and made some great friends
3. DDs boyfriend was like your daughter, a late entry, in a house with others he didn't really gel with. I have asked him for you and he said his advice is spend as much time time hanging around campus, uni buildings, etc so don't go home between lectures as that is when people talk and socialise. He also said go to all the Freshers' events, fairs, etc and talk to all the society folk. It is surprising how quickly you get drawn in.

If can kind of see your DHs point, she has to deal with the consequences of her decisions but it is hard and you are right to support and encourage her

I do agree though there are going to be socials in any society, so it doesn't really matter which ones she joins.

I think the main point a lot of people are making here is that she's shutting down options in conversation and giving you lots of reasons why she couldn't possibly do this or there's no point doing that, and you're agreeing with her. Is she very clever by any chance? I think she's scared (which is natural and normal) and she's using her considerable powers of argument to reason you into accepting her perspective when, to be honest, a lot of what she says isn't making sense. It's coming from fear and she is self-protecting.

Five hours isn't too long to spend on campus! Coffee shops, library, SU, anything... that's how she will bump into people and start seeing familiar faces.

The problem with going straight home after the lecture is that the next logical step is to think 'it's hardly worth me getting on the train just for a one hour lecture', and sack it off.

The whole campus is there for her - she'll be paying for it, at a later date! Tell her to use it.

And yes, I joined the university paper and never wrote a thing, but the meetings in the pub were good! I can't believe that there is literally nothing she is interested in!

Don't encourage her to come home too much - it will make homesickness worse, and she will feel that uni is somewhere she has to schlep back to out of obligation (obvious corollorary - I won't bother). It is actually where she lives, and I think she needs to get on board with that in a more proactive way.

She needs to sit next to a likely looking person in a lecture. Start a conversation with them. Suggest they got for a coffee after the lecture. Then do the same again with somebody else so that they form a little group of "the ones who go for coffee and a chat" after the lecture.

It is hard. In halls she would have been walking up and down the corridors, knocking on neighbouring doors to see who wanted a cup of tea and a natter. The fact your DD has spare time on campus between lectures is a benefit. It is time she can meet up with people, or even volunteer in the SU offices etc.

Oh, and if there really isn't a society that interests her already she should think about starting her own. Even if it is "The Commuting Students Society" for people who have a commute into campus.

The problem with changing course/taking a gap year and going somewhere else is that the same thing could happen again. You can't guarantee that you'll immediately fall in with brilliant like-minded party animal friends. You may go to that very university where all your friends swore they were having the best time of their lives, and when you get there, in the very same hall, the same corridor even, things just aren't quite what you hoped.

Of course, if OP's dd is seriously unhappy then it may be time to reassess, but I'd give it a term, and a bit more effort, before calling it a day.

I was unhappy the first few weeks at Uni and even went home at one point in the wee small hours......my mum sent me back with a flea in my ear Whilst I wouldn't t necessarily advocate the lack of empathy approach my mum had, she did the right thing. She told me I'd made my choice, I needed to give it a go and make things better for myself.

I did go back, had a piss up of a first year and left in my second year having decide de the degree wasn't for me. I changed direction and now have a very successful career as a nurse? And I still live in my Uni town.

I know it will break my heart if my dses are ever in this situation but.....your dd did make her choice, now she has to make the best of it, no one can do it for her! She is an adult now and I honestly think she needs to deal with this one her own. Be there to support her but don't do too much for her.

Tbh I do think your dh's approach probably has some merit to it

Dh's niece had a similar experience. First hall was all full of 3rd years, second hall no good, etc etc. She kept going home, and then taking weeks off sick etc etc.

Finally sil made her (ok, a bit of helicoptering here) join the fencing society. She was rubbish at it but met future dh!

Wow, thank you all so much. I actually feel a lot happier myself which I hope I will project onto my DD when I go home to take her to the train station. I have just spoken to her on the phone. She is feeling better physically which I am sure will help but I have suggested how hard it must be for the international students and for her to be the 'strong' one, go back and arrange a gathering of housemates for maybe a chinese takeaway and play cards etc., as someone suggested. Also, for her to arrive at lectures 10/15 minutes earlier and stand and chat to people and then hopefully she will go in and sit with these people and possibly coffee after? Also suggested she take another look at the societies

Thank you all for taking the time to respond and timid thank you for being kind enough to speak with your DD's bf

Is there a student union on campus? They usually have a bar. That's where I made all my friends between lectures. If she makes her way there she may actually see people from her course in there too. The library is an alternative place to go.

When I went to university a very long time ago, I begged my parents to find me another university to go to in my home town as I was desperately unhappy. Rather stupidly they did this and then came to pick me up to take me home (before mobiles so I didn't know they were coming). I was absolutely horrified apparently. It was around 3 or 4 weeks into term and I had settled in whilst they were busy sorting out universities and I didn't want to go by that point. Children are so fickle!

Figroll That sounds like the Camp Granada song.

Please urge her to stay on campus between lectures. The Student Union was like my second home when I was a student, also the library coffee bar. Just hanging around, making an effort to chat to people even if she only vaguely recognises them, can be the start of friendships - or not - but going back to her flat and sitting on her own is not going to make her any friends.

Starting uni is a whole new, and rather scary, experience. I was put in halls to start with and I flipping hated it for exactly the opposite reasons your DD you would probably like it. I'd already been away from home for seven years (at boarding school), plus I'd taken a year out, so I was not only older than everyone else, but I wasn't even remotely homesick. I'd even worked abroad for six months before starting uni and all these younger kids crying and getting roaring drunk every night because it was the first time they'd been away from home was hell. I found my niche though via the student union and moving into a flat share. There is a niche for everyone - but she's going to have to find it.

We laugh about it now, but my dad was furious!

I would agree with suggestions to get a bar job, preferably at the SU. Bar work is incredibly sociable (everyone wants to know the barstaff) and also good fun. It's a great way to meet people, and it's nice to have a place to go to; nobody bats an eyelid at bar staff popping into where they work for a drink on their own.

Also, unis in big cities have a different sort of intake to others because there are so many people there that are already settled with their own lives and they don't need to do all the Freshers' bollocks. This can make it difficult at first but if your daughter does the things suggested (going to the SU/café after lectures, joining clubs, even just going to the library) then she will meet people, and meet a much wider range of people than she would do at a uni that is just full of 18 year olds. It's kind of a slower burn, socially speaking, but it makes for a much richer social life when she does start talking to people and they introduce her to their own friendship groups because those groups will not just be other students.

Well, she will ultimately need to sort this out herself. Take a step back. She sounds as though she is being a bit drippy and I truly sympathise, because I was too.

When I had a terrible time in my first term at Uni, my father told me not to ring home more than once a week and said that I couldn't come home until Christmas. Hard, but it worked. Instead of running to my parents all the time as i had been doing, I had to make a go of it.

As others have said, your DD has to hang out on campus-cafe, library etc, not travel home between lectures. Invite someone for coffee after the lecture. Cook a meal with her housemates. Join things. She should also bear in mind her student union-they can offer very good support in these situations, I know mine did.

I can understand how she feels though - I didn't get into halls when I went to uni and it seemed that everyone else was having this tremendously fun typical student experience and I was missing out. A couple of weeks later, sitting enjoying a civilised Saturday afternoon pint or three with a bunch of jobbing actors/musicians/boho artist types who all seemed madly sophisticated to provincial small-town me. One of my new friends, already socially established in the city, introduced me to them, and I can remember thinking to myself "Actually, this is miles better than being around a bunch of teenagers who nick each other's food". So her student experience may be different because she isn't in halls, but it really doesn't need to be boring. She only needs to talk to one or two people, and that gets the ball rolling.

My dd just started uni last week.

I think people are being a bit harsh, yes your dd needs to do a bit more- join a society, chat to people in lectures etc BUT I think the fact she's miles away form the uni, during the first year makes things much, much harder for her.

Please get her to phone the accommodation officer today. I'm sure if she explains how awful she is finding it, they will do their upmost to help her. She should be nearer the uni or in a house with some girls at the very least.

My dd is on campus in accommodation, she sharing with all international students, (only 1 girl)and she has hardly spoken to several of them, including the girl.
She has tried lots and lots to engage them, invited them to cook or eat with her, put notes under their doors, but everything is met negatively.

Dd has lots of male friends but needs some female company, so has made friends with girls in other flats. If she hadn't been able to do this, she would have been very unhappy. So I do understand where you're coming from OP.