EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD-Part 2

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Part one lasted seven years! Thanks RustyBear for the great idea.

I have one DD off this year and another one starting Sixth form so will be here for a few years!

So how are all the DC's getting on with the lists/packing etc?

Solitude, my daughter left about 3 weeks ago now for Warwick, and I am still waiting for it to get easier.

She is settled and happy, but I still have a big hole left here at home. I haven't seen her yet, though she may be planning to pop home briefly in the next couple of weeks. It isn't set in stone yet.

I miss her hugely. I am trying not to show it to her, and to message just every few days so as not to worry her and make her feel in any way responsible for me, but it is soooo hard. I guess that having been a lone parent must make it even more poignant for you. I am not a lone parent, but I don't think my husband has the same sense of loss I do. If he does then he hides it, and tends to put on a pragmatic show, so I have to deal with it on my own.

I joined this thread a week or so ago because I needed to speak to people (especially mums) going through the same thing. Like you, I needed to know that I wasn't alone, and that my feelings were valid, which of course they are.

I understand your pain, but I am told it will get easier. I guess we all just have to work at it and give it time. I am trying to give my daughter time and space, when all I want to do really is have a good old chinwag with her and find out how it has all been going. Being a more distant part of her life now has hit me far harder than I ever thought it would, but this is inevitable. They are no longer minors, and we have to let them move on even though we don't want to.

Minsmum, so glad things are now sorting themselves out for your daughter. That must be making such a difference now.

I spoke too soon. He has been very miserable tonight. Just when you think things are falling into place. I just wonder if it will ever get any easier.....

That is such a shame for him, goldenyears. Did he try asking whether or not he could swap his accommodation with another student elsewhere? I have seem students advertising to swap sometimes. Your flatmates and housemates make so much difference in these first few weeks.

My daughter has been very fortunate in that it all seems to have gelled well in her flat. I hope you can work something out.

Goldenyears hoping he feels happier tomorrow.

Topseyt it does help and she loves the uni and appears to have made a couple of friends so that's good. Also a friend of hers started there last year , they have been friends since primary school, and she came and found my DD on the first weekend and has been in contact a lot and that certainly helped.

Golden It will get easier, it's still very early days yet and sometimes all is going well, they are really busy and then they have a quiet day or night and start thinking. Tomorrow he will have a better day

Thank you, all. I think the noise gets him down as much as anything else: the flat above seems to be playing loud music all the time and last night one of his flatmates had people over and they were playing football in the corridor outside his room. He had some work to do that he was finding a bit of a challenge. One of the few friends he has made on the course was supposed to be helping him but let him down (people seem to do that quite a lot). We said he should speak to the lecturer but he said he was the worst one on the course (they don't seem to be very approachable). He texted me to say 'I hate this place. They're all so selfish.' I did suggest he should look to change flats (he is also on the ground floor by the front door and it is very noisy) but he said he might get a worse group (although by the sounds of it, last night was an all-time low flat-wise).

Golden the noise problem sounds like a nightmare. My DS had exactly the same problem last year. I feel other students should be slightly considerate at least.... He shouldn't have to but there is always the library. I believe it is open 24/7 where your DS is. My DS also resorted to sleeping with headphones on to block out the noise.

Get him some earplugs perhaps. Student accommodation can sometimes be noisy, unfortunately.

Is it a halls of residence flat? My daughter's accommodation is a "flat" in a hall of residence. There are resident wardens /tutors somewhere in the background, so I guess the worst excesses are curbed, and there is someone to approach if there is a problem. Is there such a system in place where your son is?

Goldeneye, I'm sorry to hear your son is still feeling so miserable. It's so very hard to hear that down the phone and at this stage it's difficult to keep saying it will get better. I've said it a hundred times and it feels like empty words now.

I can also sympathise with your son feeling let down. Dd has arranged to do various things with people who have not turned up. It has forced her to attend things alone which she would never choose to do. I can see that it's making her stronger but she just thinks people don't want her company. I don't think that's the case, I think many are still finding their place and sadly, being very selfish at times. The ones who put themselves out will hopefully turn out to be the true friends.

The flat situation is purely luck, good or bad. For those who have gelled with their flat mates I am very happy but the misery of living with strangers who were at first ambivalent and are now openly selfish and unpleasant cannot be underestimated. It absolutely colours the whole experience. If the course doesn't require much interaction either it can be a very lonely experience. I guess living by the main entrance is always going to be noisy.

Dd is feeling happier, she is bonding much more with the two nice flat mates and they are hoping that the one who keeps talking about moving out will actually do it so they can get someone nicer in. There are people who would love a friendly but not party mad person who is civilised to share with. There seem to be some who want to go wild, I have to wonder about how their lives were before and plenty more who want to have a good time but not stay up all night making themselves a complete pain to everyone else. The ones who refuse to socialise at all are a different problem but still a tough one to live with.

What I'm trying to say is that the whole idea of moving sounds very daunting, but there are students looking for genuinely nice new people and now might be a good time to start looking. I think they've had enough time to suss each other out now.

going thank you for that. I will suggest he investigates the library and maybe try using headphones.

topseyt thank you for your advice too. I did suggest he went to see the warden but he said he didn't want to be the one to complain (understandable). I even thought about ringing up anonymously, I'm that desperate!!

mrsrhod I am so glad that your daughter is happier. She deserves to be, she worked so very hard at it. You must be proud of her! I am very proud of my son, but also desperately sorry for him. One particular flatmate seems to bring the entire rugby team over with alarming regularity - they were there last night larking about in the corridor then there again at lunch time when my son was trying to eat (he made a quick lunch then ate it in his room). He says they are very unfriendly and don't even acknowledge his presence. He is a sensitive soul and I think he is probably finding it a bit intimidating! I did ask him to consider discussing some vague house rules with flatmates (the kitchen was a tip when I went up and, yes, I did clean it and take out the rubbish! ) but he said they think he is 'lame' enough as it is . I have asked him to consider trying to swap flats but he says he will probably end up somewhere worse!!

The trouble is, he has gone to a particularly sporty university. I hate to say this, but I do wonder if he has gone to the wrong place and whether we should just accept that it is not going to work. The dilemma is - do we encourage him to try and stick it out and just hope that things will get better, or do we let him come home and apply somewhere else (unless the whole uni experience has finished him off!)? It is all very difficult.

Hello goldenyears, sorry I got your name wrong earlier. It is all very difficult, I absolutely agree. My niece went to a very sporty university, Loughborough, for her first year, goodness knows why. She hated it and transferred to Liverpool for her second year, so it can be done.

Could you persuade him to at least talk to an accommodation officer? It sounds like he is particularly unsuited to having to negotiate the rugby team on a regular basis, that must be an extreme. There could be a room going free or a swap available. The trouble is, when they get so low it is very difficult to make them believe it could get better.

I wouldn't say dd is out of the woods and she is also wondering if she is in the right place. She did badly in one of her A levels and her choice of universities was narrowed hugely. She did well in the subject she is studying and works hard but she is wondering if others are less interested in learning. She is also getting very frustrated with two of the lecturers who seem very disorganised. She is worrying that the course is not going to be worth the cost.

Goldenyears, I am sure if he did complain to the warden they would not reveal him as the complainant. They would try to lay down the rules for living in the flat in an anonymous way.

Kitchens are often a tip in student accommodation, but some halls do have rules about this. In my daughter's hall I noticed a rule in the handbook stating that if the cleaners who clean the communal area find the kitchen impossibly filthy or messy then they will not clean it and the students themselves will be charged for the additional cleaning needed. I don't know what the kitchen is like now, but I think rules like that, if there in the contract, are worth enforcing.

Golden, I think your son should speak to accommodation about moving to a quieter flat. If the level of noise is making him feel so miserable he wants to come home they really should do something about it. I think the ones who seemed to settle in quickly at first are probably having a bit of a wobble now. Although his accommodation couldn't be better (we were lucky and went off campus) my son doesn't drink and he's finding it difficult to have any social life, in fact he's now saying he doesn't want one. The problem is that all the union based activities seem to involve drinking and getting drunk. I am trying to stop worrying about him but its hard when any suggestions I make are shot down. I guess I have to stop making them but it's hard.

This is the first day I haven't spoken to dd. She has been working all day and this evening she has been to Pilates followed by badminton. I was expecting to speak when she got in at 9.30 but one of her flat mates has invited some others round and they are socialising!!! At last, 5 weeks in.

Great news Mrs R!

I actually spoke to my daughter this morning for about 5 minutes. She hasn't phoned much, but has sent me FB messages and some texts.

She is loving it all, getting to grips with the work is challenging because many of her essays now have to be written in French (studying French and Italian), but now doing badminton and other sports (she wasn't sporty at home).

Mrs. R., lets take that is a good sign. Your daughter has had a busy day and must have enjoyed it. She needs more of those and will hopefully get them more and more now. Fantastic. Fingers crossed it is all looking up now.

Great to hear mrsrhod, no doubt more wobbles will come but it certainly seems like the start of her feeling better and more comfortable. I told you it would come eventually and, fingers crossed, I hope it lasts for her.

Thank you DalmationDots. I have taken encouragement from all the posts on here and I don't think I'll be leaving soon, but yours in particular have given me hope because you have done this before.

She has pretty much committed to coming home at weekends between now and Christmas because she has taken a seasonal job here, but I hope the boost from getting that and the improving situation in the flat will give her new confidence to carry on. Maybe I will be posting about how much I miss her soon, instead of how worried I am about her.

golden, I really can emphasise with you. I now dread DD's phone calls, although they're not as frequent, because I feel like I'm saying the same things over and over.

They're also causing friction with DH because his children behave(d) this way when they went and he thinks DD is bringing a lot of this onto herself by not fitting in. DSS, also a fresher, has 'fitted' right in and is having a ball how he managed to get into uni with only 2 poor A2s says a lot about the quality of some students and their focus. Ironically DH is more like my DCs than his own and says he was the odd one at college because of his hobbies and because he doesn't like football coming from a football-mad city most men still think he's odd

mrsrhod, so pleased for DD. You 'sound' much happier in your post.

What a miserable day, even the dog doesn't want to venture out for a walk

mrsrhod don't apologise - it made me laugh (my nickname is more Bowie than Bond). I am going to send DS a long e-mail to-do list today (thanks, mum) and the top task will be to speak to the accommodation office. Glad your daughter had a good day yesterday.
Topseyt If he doesn't have any luck with accommodation office I will try and get him to speak to the warden.
Pliudev Thanks for the advice re accommmodation. I know exactly how you feel about your son. Mine can't drink and he has found this to be a real problem as his uni does seem to have a serious drinking culture. He thinks people think he is a wuss, which is not a good feeling really. Keep making the suggestions, you never know. Are there any clubs or societies which are not drink-centered? My son has joined a few clubs and they do seem to keep him going.

Notsoskinny - just missed your post. Sending you lots of good wishes. Hope you and your dog enjoy your walk. I don't have a dog (wish I did) but lately have been dragging DH out for walks every time it stops raining as I think it clears the mind (and keeps me away from the biscuit tin).

Just rang student accommodation office. Chap asked for DS's name and student number and I said he would have to kill me first. Don't think he found that particularly funny. I don't expect they get many calls from students' mothers and DS would be horrified if gave his name up to them! The good thing is they start re-allocating rooms at the beginning of November and he can put his name down for a quieter room so my next challenge is to get DS to go to accomodation office next week and sign up. Wish us luck!

Goldenyears I think that is a really good idea for him to get his name on the reallocation list. The fact that there is a reallocation list surely means that there are others who are unhappy with their living arrangements.

Mrsrhod it sounds like your dd is making progress now - I am so pleased for you and her!

I do think the expectations on freshers are huge. If any of us were to move to a new town, start a new job and live in a new neighbourhood I expect we would still be feeling bewildered after just four weeks.

DD seems to have lucked out with her accommodation - group outings now and again but a tendency to stay in and play cards or watch The Great British Bake-Off en masse!!! Takes after her mother!

plieudev and goldenyears There are two people in Dd's block that don't drink at all but apparently this had not really hindered their socialising and one of them is apparently one of the best liked girls in the block. Hopefully this is a comfort.

goldenyears DD is thinking of re applying to a uni closer to home. Want to scream at the thought of UCAS again but it will be worth it if it is where her heart is