EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD-Part 2

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Part one lasted seven years! Thanks RustyBear for the great idea.

I have one DD off this year and another one starting Sixth form so will be here for a few years!

So how are all the DC's getting on with the lists/packing etc?

Just thought I'd add my bit - settling in problems are one thing but if there are doubts about the course then that must be a really complicated situation to sort out.

A comment upthread made me want to say something about my experience. I spent my 20s moving around teaching in various places in Europe and South America. Without exception, the most difficult time when I went somewhere was between 4 - 8 weeks after arrival. The excitement is over, there is an obvious need to impress the employers (tutors in our DCs cases) and then the realisation that the people we've been lobbed together living with have absolutely nothing in common with us. (Sometimes!) It will always be better than it is right now.

Goldenyears, well done for being proactive. I know on some other threads that would be condemned but I think we're more gentle here. There are obviously others who are struggling and I hope you manage to get him to put his name down for a swap. It can't be worse surely and it's not healthy for him to be so miserable for much longer.

Isingsoprano, I can understand what you mean about a bit of friction with your DH. Mine is away 2 nights a week generally and I have sometimes felt a bit alone in dealing with this for the past month. We have had the odd word!

Pliudev, I don't think my daughter has been into the SU since the first day as she is just not interested in drinking. It may be that she is missing something but like you, I have been told to stop making suggestions. It makes her really cross, I am always looking for opportunities for her to take the next step but I think she as felt too pressured.

Topseyt, are you feeling any more cheerful today? I can only imagine what it must feel like to miss dd because she is still very much part of our lives due to her rough start. Plus I still have dd2 at home, when she leaves the house really will be quiet.

Mrsrhodgilbert, thanks. I am improving. I do still have two younger daughters still at home, so I can't show it too much and they do help keep things busy. It also helps knowing that DD1 is settled, happy and busy. It is just hard taking a lesser or changing role in her life now, and making the adjustment, but she gave me a big boost yesterday with the phonecall even though it had to be short. Apparently the best time to phone her is between 5.00 and 7.00 in the evening, so I will give it another day or so and then give that a try. That way I am not pushing it too much. If I phone her then she is not using up her talktime minutes on her mobile, so not so rushed I suppose.

Goldenyears, I think you have done the right thing. It might just be encouraging to your son if he realises that they do in fact re-allocate some accommodation after the first few weeks, because then he might realise he is definitely not alone with his problems. I suppose that you could tell him you got the information through a general enquiry without giving his name. Many students shuffle their accommodation around. When they first move in as freshers it is very much pot luck. Some gel and it is fine, others sometimes not, and they may like to move. Not at all uncommon I shouldn't think. I know when I was a fresher myself many years ago, and even though we did gel OK, there were still several comings and goings. People moved in and out. It wasn't an issue.

Just back from an impromptu visit to see DD as the friend I was supposed to be going out with let me down which was really annoying as we only get to catch up in the school holidays so we'd agreed the date in August and I'd booked lieu time.

We had a wander round the shops, a nice lunch and I was ready to suggest we go and see the accommodations officer and have a look at the vacant flats but it was clear she's fine where she is. I told her she can't keep offloading onto me because there may come a time when there's a serious issue and I'll just think she's having another moany rant. She said she's getting on with 3 of her flatmates and even the one she doesn't like is inviting her to join in so I've told her she needs to be a bit more tolerant and less reactive and hopefully they'll all get along better.

On a lighter note she asked if there were any vacancies in the restaurant and the manager told her to ask again when she'd finished her GCSEs as all the uni students go home for the summer - she was not impressed!

Notso that sounds cautiously optimistic for your dd - everyone making a bit of an effort with each other. Maybe it has dawned on some of them that they are stuck together for the year. Anyway, it sounds positive and long may it last for her.

I am a bit worried that ds's knee is still quite painful. We are away for a few days next week but when we get back I think I will encourage him to go to the GP if it is still as uncomfortable.

Just want to say how impressed I am by the support given on this site. I didn't look at it for years because I thought I was too old but it's really good to see the sensible advice offered. I wish it had been around when mine were small and I always imagined everyone was so much better at being a mum than me. I think you've got it right Notsoskinny. My DS offloads onto me (much as his elder brother did) and it's hard to know whether there's a real problem or if I'm just the person he can be moody with. The trouble is you don't want them to feel they can't tell you if something really does come up but I notice he doesn't do it to his dad. I'm trying to maintain a bit of distance now but I think about him several times a day. Got to get a grip.

Its so reassuring reading other parents on here missing there children. I've felt so isolated, and at times a bit silly to be missing ds so much.... I have to stop myself from ringing and texting. In the first few weeks, ds complained that I wasn't in contact much lol. Then I contact him a bit more and he complains ha ha. Can't win ha? We met up yesterday for a smoothie and chat which was really great. So bitter sweet saying bye though. I had to stop myself from crying as he walked away. Being at home is the worst. Waking up in the morning and not being able to say morning, or night in the evenings. Its the simple things, but oh so poignant.
Never in a million years did I ever think I'd be feeling so emotional!! Have had to ring environmental health, without ds knowing since he moved into halls. They had a cockroach problem, and the uni were giving ds and fellow students the run around. I hated the thought of ds living with cockroaches, and was angry that uni seemed so complacent whilst happily charging fees for their rooms.
I'm told that it does get easier with time and as parents we stop missing or children when they fly the nest...... At the moment, it just bloody hurts and ds is really missed :(

I also promised ds I'd write out some recipes in a notebook and post it to him. I've started it, and am writing little bits every evening. But, I don't really get a chance once dishes are washed etc until at least 9pm and then I only have about an hour before I head off to bed. I'm sure ds thinks I'm not that bothered about it, but I honestly am knackered most evenings and just want to plonk in front of the tv. I have notebook on my lap, so the intention is there. I will do it though as he made the hint that its been 4 weeks already. Although give him his dues, he said he's only had takeaway once, bless him :)

Solitude, I got my daughter a book I found on Amazon called Nosh 4 Students. Very good, down to earth and simple. Why not get something like that ordered and delivered to him. It would help in the meantime, and take the pressure off you writing stuff out every evening, so you could just do it in bits when you have time.

Hello all!

Have been lurking but not posting much as work being full on (hoorah for the pennies but boo for lack of downtime MN time )

DD1 seems to be settling, & I think she's getting more sociable as she seems to be online less.

Going to see her this w/e for the day hopefully, unless she gets a better offer is busy!

Hugs for those that need one. It is SO weird not having them around isn't it and yet we do adjust I guess.

Sorry for silence but am in oz on holiday!! Tell you this, it feels very odd with dd home in uk, veeeeeery long way from her. We speak most days, she is ok tho not happy she not here with us....

Hi all. I've been lurking too, DH and I are in London on holiday and catching up with our other 2 DDs. It seems strange not to have DD3 with us. Both DH and I still miss her but it's getting better. She''s still a bit homesick but seems happy most of the time. To alI of you whose DC are still
having some. trouble I hope their situation improves soon and that they start enjoying uni life.

Had a good chat with mine this evening, and hurrah, we will see her on 3rd November. She is coming back, as she is going to a concert with some of her old school friends during her "reading" week.

After that the time will fly until the Christmas holidays anyway. She has already let me know she needs a printer for Christmas.

Another vote for the Nosh for Students book. I bought it for ds last Christmas.

I'm feeling a bit guilty - we (dh, dd and me) are off to Devon for a few days at half term and ds isn't coming with us. I have just spoken to him and apparently all his flatmates are going home for the weekend. He seems fine about it, it's just me feeling bad

You know when your dd is settled when you text her to say can you Skype tonight and she replies "Not home yet but will Skype later" - and "home" is her student flat!

Also she said she is planning to come home for a weekend soon. Not because she misses us but because she wants some bits and pieces, but I'll be sooo pleased to see her.

Yes Jelliclecat, we had a nice Skype chat tonight but she said 2 minutes in..

.."ooh have to be a quick one -off to the cinema for a Harry Potter fest with the cinema club tonight!!!"

thanks for the suggestion of 'nosh for students' book. I bought ds a student cook book, and he said as much as he appreciated it, he'd much rather have recipes in it that I cook at home :)
It is a bit of a bind though, but I'm aiming to get it done as soon as I'm able to. Had a really good cry in ds's room tonight. Have purposefully kept out of his room, but couldn't help it today. Going to go have a piece of orange and chocolate cake now. Recipe from this site, and have to say one of the best cakes I've ever eaten :)

Ising! How Guilty you think I am going to oz?! Enjoy your break xx

aww solitude .....I've been meaning to blitz DD's room since she left. All I have done is strip the bed!!

Feeling very excited tonight as DD2 & I are going over to Warwick for the day to see her tomorrow & we're going to explore Leamington Spa & have a meal. Can't wait to see her!!!

I can hardly wait for 3rd November, even though it will only be for one night. I guess it won't be long until the Christmas break after that.

We are around a couple of hours drive from Warwick, ( I am in Essex), so not that easy for a day out. I am thinking that in the spring I may go to spend a weekend with my sister, who just lives 20 minutes from it, and include seeing my daughter in that. That would probably be more feasible and would give us all something to look forward to.

I did blitz her room. It wasn't easy, but I did it by telling myself I was making it nice and clean for her to come back to. That was the only way I could face it.

Me too Topseyt. Although we popped in to see DS for an emergency trip on Wednesday with his dj and smart shoes as he needs them this weekend, I could only see him for 10 mins between lectures. It was wonderful to see him and to have an excuse to go over, as otherwise he would have had to buy a completely new outfit, but even though I sopke to him only yesterday and we had big hugs on Wednesday I still had a big wobbly this evening, I still miss him so much. We had lunch today with some old friends who have moved nearby and they too are missing their DCs dreadfully, I think they are the first people I have met apart from on here who seem to miss their DCs as much as I do and it sort of set me off because I was able to relax with them about it. Yes to the printer for Xmas, DS is having huge problems getting his work printed at Uni. Nosh 4 Students also a big hit here but he has other books as well, I made him cook meals from them every night all through the summer and make notes by each recipe if they needed adjusting. He is away all this weekend with no contact and I feel I really must train myself not to keep stalking him on fb and leaving messages for him, although he always seems pleased I'm not sure it's the right thing to do, then I tell myself, it's still early days, start easing off after xmas. Perhaps.

I go a day at at time without leaving messages, then leave one or two. One day on, one day off. Its the best I can do.

I don't know what it must have been like for parents years ago without social media, internet, mobile phones etc. I was a student in the 80s, and once you were at uni that was it. One or two phone calls home each week from a phone box, and maybe a hand written letter. It seems like the dark ages now, as my daughter so aptly commented a few weeks ago.

I still text DD3 every other day but down to phoning about once a week now. She is very hard to get hold of and doing this seems to work. I tend to text and tell her what day I'm going to phone. She then knows to listen out for her phone and DH and I both have a long chat with her. I also. stilltry and regularly phone my other 2 DDs.

I'm trying to aim for every other day, but any excuse... Sometimes I don't make contact and I get a little message popping up saying 'stillalive x' When I went up to his room he had his drying rack up, covered in his neatly hung clean washing. I was most impressed. He saves £2.60 by not using the Hall tumbledryer at the expense of filling his room with damp washing, but it doesn't seem to worry him. All those years of making him peg out the washing (when I could catch him) in the summer months must have rubbed off.