EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD-Part 2

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Part one lasted seven years! Thanks RustyBear for the great idea.

I have one DD off this year and another one starting Sixth form so will be here for a few years!

So how are all the DC's getting on with the lists/packing etc?

Mine seems bad at answering texts, but better at replying her inbox on Facebook.

This is the point where they start to realise that the non-stop party lifestyle is not sustainable or affordable either.

Topseyt I've just realised that's the case with DD3. I messaged her a short while ago and got a text back straight away. We were supposed to be doing a catch up phone call today, she must be busy as she said can she phone tomorrow instead.
She did say she was still feeling a little homesick the other day oh well she's probably getting over that now.

I am ridiculously excited that ds is coming home for 24hours today. Just the thought of having all four of us at home tonight is making me grin

IspringSoprano, have a lovely time. The first visit was hard for me, I was so happy to have her back, but so sad that soon she would be leaving me all over again!! It is great to see them all grown up but also realise they still need you a little bit

DD seems to have started this party lifestyle all over again in 3rd year. I think they are realising that they only have one more year and then it is into the real world of long, hardworking days and early starts, some living back home and others will be scraping out for high rent costs. So they are trying to make the most of relative freedom. She says it has calmed down this week and 3rd year workload combined with being short of money has kicked in.

madeofkent, Dalmatian, topseat and eatyourveg-

My main concern is that she is dropping the English course - which she wanted to do all her life, English and then a teaching conversion - for something that might be a whim. She says it's because her school pressure people into choosing academic degrees (very true) and that's why she thought she wanted to do english, but now had realised there are options that suit her better.... I don't know. Very confused and afraid that she has made up her mind when it is too early to tell.

catnamedjoe I think they sometimes find it difficult to see beyond the straightforward school style subject whilst they are still AT school (does that make sense?). Reading back it sounds like your dd has her head screwed on right. She is still very young and one extra year to find the right path isn't too bad. I completely understand how confused you must be though.

Anyone seen goldenyears lately? Wondering how her ds is getting on.

I would be confused too, catnamedjo, but hard as it is for us, they will make up their own minds with little we can do to stop them.

I think you have to leave it up to her. There is no point in pursuing a course she really isn't happy doing anyway.

I hope your daughter finds a course she is confident she can settle to soon. Maybe her gap year did crystalise things for her as she says. It showed her other things and made her question her original choice. I guess we just have to trust them to run their own lives by this stage, and just be there in the wings if things go belly up (which they hopefully won't).

I can't cope with DD's up and down emotions. Her plans for yesterday were cancelled and her friends who were supposed to visit later in the week have also cancelled. On top of that the person in the flat next to hers woke her at 2am having noisy sex that continued all day and into last night - I haven't mentioned but as well as being teetotal, DD, whilst being able to speak openly about things I didn't know about and certainly wouldn't discuss with my mother, has some very prudish views she certainly doesn't take after me.

The smily, happy girl I dropped off at the station on Thursday night is now a blubbering wreck again.

So sorry notsoskinny :(

notsoskinny - I am so sorry, it is such a rollercoaster for you all.

Sorry to hear she is feeling unsettled again. Being away from home for the first time can be rather an eye opener sometimes, and some may find some of it rather uncomfortable or even embarrassing at first.

You can't protect them from it. Eventually they get to the stage where these things lose their power to shock, I suppose.

Topsey, its not the fact that she could hear them, she's disgusted that they've both got so little respect for each other and themselves as they only met Friday night and her flatmate didn't know his name to introduce him

I"ve told her its fairly normal behaviour for people her age but she still thinks they're 'skanky'.

She may have a point, and I came across similar situations when I was a student (long ago now). It wasn't always comfortable, but it is their life, and their risks.

I found the problem eased when I went into my second year and had been able to pick for myself the people I wanted to rent a house with. In the first year you just had to sit it out.

Notso, I'm really sorry to hear about your dd. I understand perfectly what you mean about the changing emotions. I always wonder what to expect when the phone rings or she skypes. Its not always easy to cheer her up and she is easily upset if her plans are cancelled because somebody else drops out.

My daughter is also a non drinker and has some rather uptight attitudes to certain behaviour. Again, no idea where she got those from. She hasn't yet been faced with loud sex going on nearby but I'm sure her attitude would be similar to your daughter. Dh and I still have memories from 30 years ago of a very promiscuous flatmate and the cries of "oh Stuart you do that so well" still has us cracking up now.

I don't have an answer for you but please know, as always on here, you are not alone. My dd is still very much finding her feet still and although she hasn't suffered the bullying that yours did the other week I can detect a definite chilling in relations between the girls. They have split into a 3 and a 2 and it could get unpleasant. We are still doing it a week at a time, she has 3 things to look forward to this week and she has just today been offered a Christmas job at The White Company so is actually happy this evening.

notsoskinny sorry that your DD is still finding stuff hard Hope that things get better for her soon. I think DD3 would' have some of views as your. DD although she"d mainly be embarrassed by the situation. I spoke. to her tonight she sounded a bit.down. She said she. didn't really know what was wrong so couldn't tell me. I think she is just tired and the work's getting tougher. She has actually emailed one of the disability advisors to sort out a study tutor which is part of her package. She actually went out clubbing with her flatmates on Friday something she's never done before. So I think she was still tried from that. She usually only has one alcoholic drink when she goes out and sticks to soft drinks the rest of the time. I don't know if that was the case on Friday. She said she had some work to do tonight and was going to try and stay in her room to finish it,

notsoskinny sorry to hear your DD is having another low point. Her housemates sound really inconsiderate and nasty.
If it helps, two years ago at this time (about 4 weeks in) I visited her, she cried/tried to hold back tears the whole weekend, felt like she had no real friends, had no idea what friendship group she fitted into, felt sick of some outspoken and rather bolshy girls acting really immaturely and thinking they were queen bees.
By christmas she had found a stable group of about 10 (boys and girls) who all got on brilliantly, felt really her type of people and the majority were wanting to share a house and included DD in this. It really wasn't until the last week or two that this group clicked together.
After christmas she still had her wobbles and homesick moments but she felt more secure that she knew who her friends were and avoided those queen bee girls that made her so miserable at first.
She is now third year, loves it, copes well with missing home when she first goes back each term, has a really solid group of friends both from halls and her course.

With time, your DD will find her way. DD says she talks to friends now and lots of them say pretty much the whole first term was horrible, lonely and filled with pretending to be happy!
HTH and thinking of you too as I know how hard and draining it is to be the mother at the end of the phone who thinks things are fine to then have them crying and falling apart all over again!!

*I visited my DD (not yours!!!)

well my DD arrived Friday night and went back this afternoon. While it was lovely for her to be home we didn't see a great deal of her. It was her friends birthday so she was out on Saturday night. She went into work today , where I gather she was treated like visiting royalty. For us my bil died on Saturday night so when she was here I was on the phone to my Dsis, dm or other family.
Still she starts her new course tomorrow as the permissions from her English course, the philosophy department, the admissions team and the university have all finally agreed that she can change.
She says that she will be back for her birthday but we will see, the dog went mad when she came into the house.

That should have said "have all come through"

Glad your DD was able to change course Minsmum. Hope she enjoys it.

minsmum Good news re the course change, you both must be so relieved.

mrsrhod congratulations to DD on getting a Christmas job.

I haven't spoken to DD today as she has a full day of lectures and a twilight but hopefully some company will have lifted her mood. If she has another weekend like this I'm going to suggest she has a look at the vacant flats in her complex as I don't think the situation in her current flat will ever improve, she now only speaks to one of the boys who goes to see his gf most weekends and the other girl is spending less and less time in the flat as she only lives 15-20 mins away.

ISingSoprano Thank you for asking about me. I am still here and my DS is still at university (although there have been many times when I doubted he would be!).

He has worked really hard at socialising through clubs, as his flatmates are a bit of a dead loss (doors permanently shut, no cooking together, not much conversation) and he does seem to be getting on a bit better. He has made a few friends although no great friendships have been formed as yet (I tell him it's early days). It is such a shame that who you end up sharing with can make such a difference to your early experiences, but I suppose you just end up having to work that bit harder at meeting and bonding.

Apologies for my absence but things did get very low for a while. I have just been reading up on your threads and I just wanted to send my warmest wishes to those of you whose children are still hanging in there and my thanks to those of you who send such kind messages of support and common sense.

Hi,
Can I join this thread?
DS left almost 4 weeks ago to go to uni, and I'm missing him so very much. I'm a lp and have brought him up alone since he was just over a year old.
DS lost keys and phone in the first week :) and as he's about an hour away, came home for the night, until he was able to get new set of keys cut for halls.
I've seen him him about 5 times since he left. I saw him today and we had about an hour together in a cafe near to his uni. Was so lovely seeing him.
I still miss him so very much though. Had to stop myself from crying when we left one another.
When does it get easier? I knew I'd miss ds, but didn't think it would hurt this much? Is anyone else feeling like me? Am quite shocked at the intensity of my feelings and how much I'm missing him...

Thanks Mumee & Notso she texted her dad today about how much she loved her lectures today, sounded really excited.
Solitude we were quite shocked by how much we missed DD, her DF particularly. I think because we haven't seen her for a month it has become the norm that she is not here. So that makes it easier and also we have started to look at hobbies, studying ourselves I suppose we are being a bit selfish