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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD-Part 2

999 replies

MissMarplesBloomers · 01/09/2013 22:15

Part one lasted seven years! Thanks RustyBear for the great idea.

I have one DD off this year and another one starting Sixth form so will be here for a few years! Grin

So how are all the DC's getting on with the lists/packing etc?

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mrsrhodgilbert · 15/10/2013 17:07

She walks to campus with between 2 and 5 girls from her course and they sit together in lectures. They walk back together too but they haven't got round to going for a coffee at one of the uni cafes or inviting each other back to flats.

She can easily go a whole day in the flat without seeing her 4 flat mates, their timetables are very different, two dont really cook and will make pot noodle or a quick microwave meal and eat in their rooms. One seems to have a very heavy workload and is often in her room but does spend some time cooking in the evening. The fourth is largely missing with her old school friend. The kitchen is not a very sociable place.

When its dd2s turn I will be steering her towards a bigger flat share I think. Strangely dd seems to have these girls she walks with and she talks to all of them and had almost brought them all together but they don't really talk to each other. She says they are quite a diverse bunch and can't see them really gelling. I'm sure she will get there and I'm wondering if there is a small element of her dumping the woes of the day every evening on me which then clears her head and allows her to move on.

ISingSoprano · 15/10/2013 17:18

Evening all! I really have no words of wisdom to impart. I think you are all actually dealing with the settling in problems really well - offering sensible advice.

Ds is doing well and is settled and enjoying uni life. He also appears to have gained a girlfriend!

DalmationDots · 15/10/2013 17:20

mrsrhod sounds like maybe your DD is a lot further on with friends than she thinks and recognises. Perhaps she is putting undue pressure on herself to find 'bestest friends' who she really clicks with like her home friends? When in reality it is too soon. I'd bring up these friends and try and encourage her to have them all over for coffee or go out for a drink together.
I'm sure it is a case of her only mentioning and focusing on the bad and her worries, rather than remembering the positives. She does have people to walk in with and sit with and chat to and she does have a good flatmate.
Friendships for all students are still flitting and changing, it is very normal! I doubt many feel they have found their friends for life there yet.

Glad to hear she is sounding a lot better, even if it might not feel like it.
It really is such a similar situation to my DD, hence me commenting a lot as I feel I have been there and got through it! My DD was 2.5 hours from home so had to get on with it a bit more with no escape. It took its toll emotionally (on both of us!) and often a trip home would have been just what she needed.
But I do think if she was nearer and coming home more, it would have become an excuse not to make so much effort, you just need to get through 5 days then can be home again. By staying DD started to realise she had to make an effort to arrange things and be aware of what arrangements were being made and join in. She knew I was here, nothing had changed at home and this was life now, she had to learn to keep busy and make her uni life enjoyable. (Not saying this would be right for your DD, only you know her! And I'm guessing her flatmates sound much trickier than DDs) Definitely agree on a bigger flat for your second DD, and catered halls seem far better and mean you meet many more people.

Topseyt · 15/10/2013 18:10

Can I join in here? Been skimming through the thread, and it is good to know I am not alone with my feelings.

We took my eldest daughter to Warwick a couple of weeks ago, when I see that some of you would also have been there. She is in Jack Martin too, and as far as I can work out is thoroughly enjoying it. Feet have hardly touched the ground during Freshers' Fortnight.

She is fine. I still have the occasional wobble, but getting better. Have to, as I have two younger girls still at home.

I wanted to send some support to those whose children have found it harder to settle, or encountered problems. That must have been hard all around. Crikey, I have found it hard enough (from my own selfish point of view really) with one who has settled well (she is the sort who usually does, so I am fortunate).

In our house I guess it is me who has needed more support, as it is just so hard not seeing her every day, and of course having to adjust the amount I am cooking from 5 people to 4 (or sometimes less) every night. I do something like set a massive pan of water to boil on the cooker and then set myself off again momentarily by realising that a smaller one would do. That and going into her room to strip the bed, take the duvet for washing etc. Silly things really.

For those with others in the same hall of residence, you never know, they might possibly have come across each other, although it is a big place.

Warwick Uni was where my husband and I met some 28 years ago. The trip to drive our daughter there was a real trip down memory lane, so a doubly emotional day as we explored the old place again, allowed ourselves a second studenthood and had just one more drink in the union.

mumeeee · 15/10/2013 18:11

Mrshod your DD is doing very well even if she doesn''t think she is. She is talking to other students. I meant to say before when DD1 went to uni there were 2 girls in the flat that she didn't get on with at first. She went on to share a house with them and they were her chief bridesmaids ( she had 2 chiefs as she couldn't choose between them) and now 8 years after starting uni they are all still best friends.

JGBMum · 15/10/2013 18:14

Hi, I have been following all the posts, but don't feel I have anything useful to add. I think there's some great advice on here, and I'm in awe of the students who are still working on making friends. When it clicks they will truly value those friendships.

DS seems very happy, we haven't managed to skype, but we've spoken on the phone several times. I hope it continues for him. He has been very lucky (and it is purely luck) in his flat mates. There are 12 of them all together, and apart from 2-3 who very much keep to themselves, the rest seem fairly sociable and open to doing some things together.

Topseyt · 15/10/2013 18:32

Whose DCs are in Jack Martin? Warwick has been enormously popular this year.

MissMarplesBloomers · 15/10/2013 18:53

TopseyT My DD is! Grin

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Notsoskinnyminny · 15/10/2013 18:55

Mrsrhod, I'm starting to think the same about DD, when she's down I'm inundated with calls/texts and hardly heard from her after she went back last Thursday but when I picked her up from the station tonight all I can say is what a difference a week makes, no more black rings under her eyes. The society day was 'the best day ever', she was the only first year to go but managed to make some friends. The flatmate, she doesn't get on with, is spending more time in her friend's flat (this's the friend they adopted because she hated her flat) as the sofa's comfier and one of the boys has gone home so the others aren't hogging the TV with the playstation.

Coursewise, she's managed to get one of only 10 places to attend a workshop at a language school in Liverpool on Thursday and she's busy tweaking her CV in the hope of some work in the summer and she's applied to a school in Tokyo for an internship although she's not impressed that none of the universities for her year abroad are in her favourite city - my credit cards breathed a sigh of relief when I heard that Grin.

Now all I need to do is sort DH out, poor man's got the dreaded OFSTED in and a member of his team has made a bullying complaint against him, I'm beginning to feel like an agony aunt instead of a mum and a wife!

MissMarplesBloomers · 15/10/2013 18:57

I think possibly DD is lucky in that her halls are split into corridors of about 11/12 rooms with the kitchen as common room, so a sort of a flat arrangement but more communal. Also means usually someone around.

It has been helped by a nicely bossy girl who made the effort to get them all together for the first week for a meal so it took off form their.

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JGBMum · 15/10/2013 18:57

Topseyt -Sherborne here

MissMarplesBloomers · 15/10/2013 18:58

from there I kan spel reely Grin

Just a fat fingered typist!

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MissMarplesBloomers · 15/10/2013 19:00

I have to say I have been very impressed with Warwick so far.

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JGBMum · 15/10/2013 19:55

I wish mn had a 'like' button, as usual I agree with MissM Grin

MissMarplesBloomers · 15/10/2013 20:05
Grin
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Topseyt · 15/10/2013 21:05

So we have Sherborne and Jack Martin on here. I agree that Warwick seems very well organised.

I liked the setup of JM, the communal kitchen with the separate single en-suite rooms sounds like it works really well. They socialise whilst they have their meals (and/or drinks). Once we had moved my daughter's stuff into her room she went straight off to the kitchen to bag a cupboard and put in her kitchen stuff. She met her flatmates there, and they gelled right from the off it seems. She has spoken of a couple of different food evenings, including a Mexican one. From what you are saying I am wondering if it could be the same one, although I don't know any of the other students by name.

Incidentally, my husband is prone to Freudian slips when he speaks. When we were there he had soon virtually rename poor Jack Martin as Jack Daniels. I hope that isn't too accurate.

JGBMum · 15/10/2013 21:18

Sherborne set up very similar, except each flat has its own front door.

DS kitchen had a Mexican fiesta night too. Then a quiz night last night against other halls (or possibly other flats)

JGBMum · 15/10/2013 21:19

By the way, has anyone else noticed that the last thread lasted 7 years, and we are already at nearly 700 posts on here already

Topseyt · 15/10/2013 21:19

The JM flats didn't seem to have their own front door, but were a division of a corridor.

Topseyt · 15/10/2013 21:22

I didn't hear of a quiz night against other halls, but that doesn't mean there wasn't one.

I am fairly new on here, so not on the last thread. We are going great guns on this one though. I don't think we will make it to 7 years before it is full.

JGBMum · 15/10/2013 21:57

Agreed Smile

What is your DD studying?

Topseyt · 15/10/2013 22:26

French and Italian.

mumeeee · 15/10/2013 23:05

I was one of the first posters on the last thread, DD1 was about to go into her second year when it started, Have posted on here a lot more as DD3 is my youngest and she is Dyspraxic and has other learning difficulties. So I'm a completely empty nester (along with DH of course) and also a bit worried about how DD3 would cope because of her difficulties. In fact she is coping very well and has surprised us,

Topseyt · 16/10/2013 11:38

I am sure it is a relief that you DD3 has settled so well. That must have been rather a worry.

I only hear from mine when she deigns to remember at the moment. Sad Never really more than a few days, but it does feel longer, and it is hard. I guess it is a good thing though, as she is settled, happy and relishing her independence. Hard from a mum's point of view though, but hey-ho, it was always going to happen eventually.

MissMarplesBloomers · 16/10/2013 11:52

Topsey - with you there on the independance thing, you push them to be more independant then feel bereft when they actually finally get there!!

Grin

I'm better this week, & knowing she's OK helps.

I had a quiet snarf at your dh's freudian slip, I've been struggling not to call it James Martin !!

Mumeee have you adjusted to the peace & quiet & (temporarily) full fridge?!

Alos agree I think we will be on to Part 3 soon, need to keep it going for the next few years for when DD2 goes off, proper empty nest I'll have then!

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