EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD-Part 2

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Part one lasted seven years! Thanks RustyBear for the great idea.

I have one DD off this year and another one starting Sixth form so will be here for a few years!

So how are all the DC's getting on with the lists/packing etc?

I spoke to one of my colleagues about DD today. I knew part of her role was to mentor student teachers on placement but didn't know she'd previously worked at a uni. She said its not uncommon for people to struggle but if they are still finding it hard by November they need to speak to either student guidance/union or one of their tutors who should be able to put some support mechanisms in place. She also suggested more structured days - DD is fine when she has lessons but is lost when she has her 2 days off in the middle of the week.

She said its good that they can phone and tell us their worries and her best bit of advice was to be there to listen and give them the time to work things out for themselves as the support network of school friends isn't there any more. She felt the majority of students do want to be there and even though they're finding it tough few will throw in the towel after studying so hard to get there in the first place.

Just want to say hang in there everyone. When my eldest went to uni I used to dread him calling. The phone would ring at about 10pm and he'd tell me how lonely he was, how no-one spoke to him and cry while I tried to reassure him. Then, after about 20mins, by which time I was ragged, I'd hear a little background sound and he'd say quietly, not to me, 'yes..yes I'll be there in a second' and hurry me off the phone, presumably to go to the bar with one of those people who never spoke to him. I guess what I'm saying is, let them offload but don't take it too much to heart unless it gets really serious. If it does, be off up the motorway like a shot. They can always go again when they're ready, but in my experience, by Christmas they'll have settled in fine.

My ds text me yesterday to announce he'd just completed a sky dive. I was stunned! Bad enough wondering how he is without the thought of that added to it...

Sorry about your cat noddy the same thing happened with us in DD2's first term.

mrsrhodgilbert same about our DD2 missing 'her' cat (we have 2, but one is always glued to her side at home). In fact, will confess that when one of the cat's whiskers fell out recently, we kept it and posted with some trainers she'd asked us to send up! Think the cat usually acts as a kind of living comfort blanket, ie something to snuggle up to when times are hard, so especially missed now. DD2 otherwise is still very up and down doesn't feel she's gelled particularly with many other freshers, and has found some lectures dull and others quite exciting,but I'm impressed that she is still keeping at it, trying to meet people and build up a routine (trainers are for a zumba class, apparently). Agree that part of the trouble is having a week of freshers which is basically devoted to nighttime drinking and not a lot else doesn't seem to have helped create a sense of how to organise the day or the flat. DD2 is coming back home for a weekend at the end of the month - intially I wondered if this was to announce she intends to quit, but after speaking to her on the phone today think it is more as an escape from the sheer relentlessness of university life.

I absolutely agree about the cat being a living comfort blanket, one follows her around when she is here. The other is a proper cat and very haughty, ignoring us all most if the time.

I've had a very restless night. I ended up speaking to dd at 11.30 as she was a bit upset. There had been a student event in the city and she had arranged to meet nice flatmate there but dd didn't finish lectures until 8. Nice flatmate made a head start with some of her friends and dd headed in at 8 with a girl from her course. Unfortunately the two groups didn't manage to meet up, texts not being answered in time etc. So, all a bit of a storm in a teacup but dd has taken it personally. Trying to convince her it wasn't the end of the world and not to take offence late last night just made her angry.

So I had a sleepless night and I'm wondering what mood she will be in when she comes back tonight for her interview and birthday meal. I have been so available for her to talk to and I feel very guilty about this, but last night I felt just a little resentful at having to talk her down at nearly midnight again. I'm sure she has no idea that we are matching her, in mood, through every little triumph and let down. Meanwhile poor dd2 who is starting lower sixth is taking a bit of a back seat and I need to support her too. Sorry for the self indulgent moan.

Thanks all for the advice, about visits and, oh, everything! I think I will stay put this weekend.

mrsrhod sounds like your DD is very sensitive and frustrated. I would be too, she has tried so much to find a group of friends, but seems to be going round in circles. Is she still doing the badminton? I'm sure she is completely unaware how it affects you, but she has enough on her plate emotionally and you are her rock in all this. Is she going to try and stay there this weekend?
Is there any way she can move flats?
Sorry for all the questions, just trying to probe encase it helps find a way to make a real change for your DD. It sounds like something a bit more radical needs to happen for things to start improving.

Hi dalmationdots, thanks for the reply. She has an interview in our home town at 6 this evening for a Christmas temp job and its her birthday tomorrow. DH, who often works away has arranged his week to be here and we are all going out or dinner but it will mean missing badminton this week.

She was planning to stay this weekend but nice flatmate is going home again, which I think indicates that she is not as settled as dd believes. She still seems to think she is the only one struggling.

She does not want to move as she is aware that many other flats have something that makes them a bit of a problem, noisy, extremely messy and dirty, others not getting on etc. so is happy enough to stay put if nice flatmate remains too.

I will, of course, continue go support. Just feeling a bit sleep deprived.

She sounds like my niece, a bit more emotional and volatile compared to how my daughter was. In fact she was fine because my daughter was constantly in touch with her, but she would let off steam at my sister then be ok, while my poor sister was left up all night worrying. So you are being helpful in that you are letting her let off steam, but there will come a time when either she will have settled down or you will have had enough.

Just been reading back through the past years of empty nesters, I wonder how they all are now? One of them said that her son is the first thing she thinks of when she awakes and also the last just before she goes to sleep, I know the feeling. As I still miss my daughter after 7 years despite almost daily contact via phone or fb I fear there is no hope for me when my son stops coming home and lives elsewhere. I rang him this morning and he said that fresher's mood is over and it's wonderful, everyone went off to bed at around 10pm last night and his multiple-user xbox controls and board games went down wonderfully. To think I had been asking him if he wanted to throw them out only a couple of years ago.

mrsrhod sorry if I sounded a bit patronising, reading back I sound like I think you aren't doing enough! You certainly are! and you of course are doing amazingly well supporting her - been there and remember how tough it is and how in reality there is little you can do. Sounds like she is very realistic about it all - all flats have their issues. So many are probably feeling as lost as your DD, they all hide it so well. Do her friends/flatmates know how your DD is feeling?
DD at this stage was equally wobbly, not knowing who her friends were and not seeing any 'groups' of friends forming yet. It was all all over the place! It wasn't really until the last few weeks before christmas that DD felt she had friends and was happy. It all very quickly clicked into place. Partly due to housing for 2nd year decisions begin end of november/start of december and when DD eventually (after much trauma!) worked out a group and that people actually wanted to be with her, it then all settled down a lot and she felt much more secure.

I didn't realise they had to start thinking about accommodation for next year so soon, I think I'll keep that one under my hat for now.

You didn't sound at all patronising and I always find your posts very reassuring. Dd is naturally shy and is really sticking her neck out, but I fear she will reel it back in if she doesn't strike lucky soon. As far as her flat mates go, I think three of them would be totally disinterested in how she is feeling and one would be concerned but I suspect she is feeling the same. It's a bit of a shame that one girl she likes is commuting from home and therefore not always around.

A couple of girls have given her birthday cards but as of yesterday no one had declared themselves available for a birthday tea out. The girls all seem to quite different and dd can't see how everyone would want to be out together and wouldn't want to exclude anyone.

I hope it's easier with dd2.

mrsrhod the accomodation for 2nd year varies between universities. Durham and Exeter I've heard is particularly early (end of november), Bristol was more first week of december and then janurary, London is far later (some even next summer! because of the housing market there). It depends a lot. Most unis it seems to be they form a group before christmas, a bit of shuffling goes on over christmas when they have time to think about it, then in January and Feb it is full on house hunting.
Student houses start coming up from December but lots are left right through until easter, so no rush. There are usually accomodation websites where those looking for extra people for their house or with no one to live with can post and find a group that seem a good match. DDs hall ran a 'find a flatmate evening' for anyone having a panic about it. Nothing to worry about yet, and definitely not for her to even think about yet! But just a warning that you will find that will be the next big trauma!

Lovely they have given her cards, I hope a few come to the tea.

Thanks for the advice, Notsoskinny, if they really don't settle by November. Also Pliudev for those encouraging words of experience. mrshod, it is such a roller-coaster isn't it? I can't sleep properly if dd has been Skyping and is upset. This is the one place where you can moan - we are all only human and it is really stressful to watch your child struggling and not to be able to do much. Am sure the support we are giving is the right thing. Here's hoping it all settles down a bit more soon. Am glad to hear that there is a way to get together with extra people if you can't find flatmates immediately. Hope you all have a better day and evening.

much love and supportive vibes to you all :)

Re looking for housing, first year students often get into a panic far earlier than they need to. I would recommend that students consult the university's accommodation office to find out what they recommend in their city/area, and to get an accurate picture of the supply of private rented sector accommodation. There's a sort of freshers' rumour mill which convinces them that all the decent houses will be gone by the end of November and this is very unlikely to be true.
The university I work at has for some years had a campaign in place (Student Support office and Student Union combined effort) to try and encourage students not to rush into forming groups and signing legally binding contracts before Christmas. We find that we have to deal with the fall-out of students finding that they're living with people with whom they're completely incompatible, having agreed to live with them after only knowing them for a few weeks.
In addition to the stereotypical grotty terrace house with six students crammed into four bedrooms (one in the dining room, one in the sitting room) there is a growing supply of private halls of residence. Students who like their own space might prefer this to a student house. I can't do links but if you google "private halls BPP" and "private halls Unite" you'll see info about two providers - but there are lots more.

DS has just phoned for a chat (over an hour!) and he has landed himself a GSCE tutoring job for £50/week, so his food/socialising bills should be covered :)

Just a quicky, came home at 6pm to find DD sat on the sofa. She doesn't have any lectures Wednesday or Thursday and couldn't stand being in the flat any longer as one of the girls doesn't hide her dislike of her any more, if DD talks she interrupts and talks over her/changes the subject.

She informed the office she'd be home for a few days (requirement for H&S) and the manager took her into her office and asked if she was ok (she looks like a wraith). She told DD she's the third student she's spoken to this week and there are empty flats available if she wants to move and will take her to meet the other students.

Her HS friends, who she's kept in touch with even though she went to a different 6th form college, are ignoring her messages. She's created a new twitter account so her flatmates can't see what she's saying and she can chat with her internet friends.

Its a school night and I'm on the wine and don't know what to do.

Notso its so hard isn't it? Glad the manager managed to talk to her. Maybe she should comsider moving halls.....?

I think she needs to move, especially when she has been told there are vacancies.

I moved after a couple of months and it made a huge difference, suddenly I had a circle of friends.

Just heard from a friend that her DS hasn't settled at uni. He's spoken with the relevant authorities and is packing it in for this year at least :(

Notso a move sounds like a good idea , hopefully into a flat of Naice Flatmates :)
DS has just iMessaged me , toi let me know he's going skiing on 13th December .
He needs to come home to collect his ski goggles and big hold all , so wants to know when is the next bank holiday weekend ?
Planning for DD and I to visit when it's DDs half term ( but OMG the price of the train )

So sorry to hear of everyone still having problems. Notso a move sounds like it might be good for your dd.
Was getting a bit worried about dd as she had been offline on Skype and not replying to text messages. I had decided to phone her tonight but she Skyped us before I had a chance.

Fortunately she is fine, just busy. She says the party lifestyle has quietened down since Freshers. She is even going to 9 o'clock lectures
She is getting on well with her flatmates - not wanting to minimise the problems others dcs are having, but just wanted to put a counterview in case others reading this are worrying about dcs going off next year, and to say fortunately for some it does work out.

Jellie I"m glad your DD is settling in well so is my DD. She seems to have landed a good bunch of flatmates there is just one who seems to go home all the time. They've even started to make friends with the down stairs flat. She hasn't answered my texts tonight but that probably means she's busy, Sorry for those who are still finding it hard. I agree with others notsoskinny that a move might be good for your DD.