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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD-Part 2

999 replies

MissMarplesBloomers · 01/09/2013 22:15

Part one lasted seven years! Thanks RustyBear for the great idea.

I have one DD off this year and another one starting Sixth form so will be here for a few years! Grin

So how are all the DC's getting on with the lists/packing etc?

OP posts:
JGBMum · 06/10/2013 22:48

Such a relief, glad you were able to talk with her mumeeee.

MissMarplesBloomers · 06/10/2013 23:25

Hope she is Ok Mummeee

OP posts:
mumeeee · 07/10/2013 00:09

Strict it does get better I was very tearful the first week after DD3 went she has now been gone 3 weeks and although I miss her a lot I don't get tearful now. Except tonight when I thought she might have to go to hospital.

Notsoskinnyminny · 07/10/2013 07:28

mumeeee hope DD is ok, that must've been a hell of a fright for you.

Like MissMarples I'm lucky enough to only be an hour from DD but thats equally as hard when they're unhappy and you know they have to sort things out themselves.

Thankfully she's made of stronger stuff than me and refuses to give in and isn't planning on coming home until half term when I should have a few days off.

eatyourveg · 07/10/2013 07:42

late night phone call from ds who's feeling very alone - won't go to the SU or even down to the campus as he doesn't like it. Loves the course and the people he's met on the course and his housemates are nice but finding all the spare time (has only 3 full days of lectures and seminars) really hard. (English Lit so he should be reading but can't concentrate)

Have set him a target to go do 4 things today, wash the bedclothes, pay his loan into his other bank account, buy some TCP throat lozenges and fruit (has picked up cough & cold) and then go to the local library to find some of the textbooks. Couldn't think of anything else

He wants to come home next weekend. Hate those type of phone calls when you can't really say anything other than it will get easier.

DalmationDots · 07/10/2013 08:49

eatyourveg DD found the spare time a big issue in her first term, especially as she hadn't got much work to do at the start so was bored, combined with feeling homesick - she felt pretty useless and would get upset/couldn't concentrate etc.
After the third week she started structuring her free time. So mondays was a day off so she would get up and dressed and breakfasted by 10, go to the library until 1 to do some specific things she needed to do like readings, go and get lunch, try and meet up with someone or go swimming/to the gym in the afternoon, then come back and do her laundry. Then it was dinner time and people were around again!
She found the routine and structure helped so much and stopped her sitting about over-analysing everything. She found the library really nice, less lonely but easy to concentrate in and no distractions.
She is now in 3rd year, found great friends by xmas of 1st year, loves her course and the city and is thriving :) doesn't really get homesick either (I still miss her though :D)

eatyourveg · 07/10/2013 09:28

Thanks DalmationDots he has joined his local library and so far he has been to it every day including Sundays. Its new, very big and has a café on the ground floor and seems to stock much of his reading list so it saves him using his oyster to get down to the campus library.

A structured routine does sound good as does the gym/swimming. Wish he'd gone to more freshers stuff and joined a society/club. Am wondering if he should try for a job in the local tesco and do one weekday as opposed to evenings as well as weekends

goldenyears · 07/10/2013 09:32

Very constructive advice in last two posts. Will certainly use it.

Late for work but just wanted some opinions to consider when I get back: Should I go and see him this coming weekend (two and a half hour drive)? Have found a B&B. DH says no, as does DS (thinks he will want to come back with me) but I just think it would be good for him to have a friendly face and to be able to discuss things face to face, and I want to get some food for him as I don't think he's eating properly. Says he feels ill all the time (he has had issues with his stomach, hence the no-alcohol-consumption problem (never thought I would look upon that as a problem)) so am trying to get him to go to doctor's, but he has not booked anything yet. Is it too early to suggest he finds a counsellor (less than two weeks)? Have investigated, and they provide an online service.

The main dilemma really is, should I visit him?

ISingSoprano · 07/10/2013 10:04

I think if your ds is saying dont visit then you should go with that. I do think some counselling is a really good idea though. A GP appointment is a good idea too. Hugs to you.

eatyourveg · 07/10/2013 10:24

If your ds says no then I would go with that. Wish these dc finding it hard were all that the same place so they could support one another

goinggetstough · 07/10/2013 10:52

golden i agree with the other posters about not going this weekend. What about a compromise and plan a weekend at the beginning of November. By then he may be more settled and it will give you all something to look forward to.
I think that your DS may be at the same university as mine. If so then I believe that there are lots of meetings about the clubs and societies they joined at the Freshers Fair. So more things to do without alcohol! Plus also the student support centre can help with counselling etc obviously your DS would have to approach them for help himself but I am sure you could phone them for general information or look on line.

mrsrhodgilbert · 07/10/2013 11:05

Dd went back on the train this morning, she has been quite up and down all weekend. Some of the things she has said are about not knowing where she belongs any more, wanting to be around people who care for her, being able to properly relax at home without feeling she should be doing something and that is mixed with thinking we are disappointed with her, worrying that others will make friends without her, having to go back and try more with all these people. She is finding this a slow process and it sounds to me like they are all a little afraid of seeming too eager and afraid of rejection.

I haven't told her I'm posting on here but I wish I could tell her there are many others feeling exactly the same way and many mums worrying. She just doesn't believe me as she thinks I have no proof. There must be thousands of young people sitting in their rooms, longing for a friend, if only they realised how close one might be.

She has an interview for a Christmas job tomorrow evening and we're all going out for a birthday dinner afterwards, but then I am going to be firmer about her staying there. I don't know how wrong we might be getting this but hearing about all the dc who are trying to tough it out sounds every bit as difficult. I keep setting milestones for the weeks ahead, birthday, sister going to visit,reading week then before we know it christmas will be here. I would love it if by then we will all be saying how settled they are.

ISingSoprano · 07/10/2013 11:21

Mrsrhod - I think setting milestones is a really good idea - it breaks the term down into manageable chunks.

fussychica · 07/10/2013 12:47

Agree with not visiting if your DS says no - just let him know you will if he changes his mind and leave it at that. The milestones are a great idea for both of you. eatyourveg swimming regularly really helped DS relax and get fit following his return to uni after being hospitalised.

On the personal front DS went down to the coast on Saturday to meet up with the people he had met at his induction who live there. He landed up staying over and having a great time. FB pics show them all looking v happy - such a change from last weekend when he spent his first weekend in France completely alone in an empty school. I'm just hoping that it all continues to improve as they are on holiday for 2 weeks from the 19th and he doesn't intend to come home but go travelling. Fingers crossed it all works out! At the mo I a lot happier than this time last week.Smile

DalmationDots · 07/10/2013 13:34

mrsrhod DD at one point survived on milestones.What kept her going was knowing the term wasn't 12 long endless weeks, but 3 weeks til I would visit, another 3 then she'd come home/visit a home friend at another uni, then 3 weeks until her birthday or a home friend visiting her or whatever, then 3 weeks and home! It meant there is always something to look forward to which isn't too far away. 12 weeks until something which, at the time, is what is keeping you going is a long time!

Even now DD is happy and not homesick, she still breaks the term down. It makes a huge difference.

madeofkent · 07/10/2013 14:39

We too are having to break the term down, because although DS loves it there apart from the overactive social life, he still misses us. So DBH will pop in to see him in a couple of weeks when he is over that way for work, and he will come home for a weekend two weeks after that and again a couple of weeks after so that he won't miss our local carol service. He was hesitant to tell us that he missed us as much as he did, he doesn't even know why himself but I saw his face fall when I told him that we would be away one weekend. He had been hoping to come back then. As I told him, he can come back whenever, we don't have to be here but I think he wanted us, not just the house and a rest from partyparty.

As for me and the emptynestishness, I missed him like hell last night and spent hours looking at folders and folders of photos of him. I feel much better today though, I think the awful pain of him going away is starting to wear off.

whitecloud · 07/10/2013 16:22

Think advice about milestones is such a good idea.

mrshodgilbert, my dd has felt some of the things your dd was talking about. I told her about this thread and she found it comforting that other students were going through the same thing. Think it really is one step forward and two back, plus these up and down emotions unless they have been lucky enough to meet good friends straight away.

When you are lonely and vulnerable you fear rejection. Something that helped me when I did CBT .... If someone asked you if you wanted to go for a coffee, meet-up etc and you were doing something else, you would probably be very glad you had been asked. You would just arrange another time. You wouldn't think the person who asked was stupid. Nine times out of ten this is true. It's just having the courage to ask.

Also, if the dcs defer or go somewhere else, what is to say they won't have to go through some of the same things again? Unfortunately you can't plan or control who you are going to meet and what they are going to be like. So unless you really hate the course or are too ill to cope, it is worth sticking it out if you possibly can.

strict - it must be tough if they are fine and don't miss you. I suspect I might feel worse when she doesn't need me as much. It already feels strange that she isn't back - two weeks is the longest she has ever been away!

Don't you think the toughest thing about being a parent is setting your own feelings aside so you can support them? And it's so tiring and hard to see them feeling bad. Thanks for all support on here. Hope things are going better for the dcs this week.

mrsrhodgilbert · 07/10/2013 16:35

One of the things that upset dd at the weekend was that she looked on Facebook and saw a photo of a group of girls, including very absent flatmate, in 'her' kitchen from Friday or Saturday night when she was at home. She really felt that 'they' had chosen to socialise while she was out of the way.

Today she has discovered that the photo was taken 3 weeks ago in another kitchen and it was from a very quick visit, not a party at all. Just goes to show that all this Facebook stuff is so easy to misinterpret.

Yes I'm sure that anyone invited to have a coffee would actually be glad to be asked, I know I would. It's crazy, they've been doing all this for years with school friends but starting from scratch is proving so difficult for them.

mrsrhodgilbert · 07/10/2013 16:40

Mumeeee, I have missed a couple of pages over the weekend. I hope your daughter is ok now. There seem to have been a few accidents so far, plus of course the dreadful incident in Newcastle.

MABS · 07/10/2013 16:55

am struggling today, but she went off very bright :) could have done without a 4 hour delay on her flight back due to fog...

noddyholder · 07/10/2013 17:04

Hope you are ok Mabs xx It is still very hard I was doing good until the cat had to be put to sleep and we called him last night to tell him. Spoke to him for ages and felt really gutted when he went. He is loving it though although he is coming back on 24th for 4 days (hurray) as the girl he was loosely dating has been ringing him crying and she is off to Oz for a year soon. I take my hat off to all of you who are supporting those who aren't taking to this I would be hopeless in your situation and would probably cave. I think if after 6 weeks they still hate it maybe its time to rethink? Or do you plan to see it out until at least xmas?

mrsrhodgilbert · 07/10/2013 17:32

Dd is not talking about leaving at all despite struggling to settle. There seem to be plenty who have taken at least until Christmas to feel comfortable and I would echo that with people DH and I have spoken to in real life. But she is not hating her course, yet and I think that must make it much harder again. I really think freshers weeks have a lot to answer for though, they could be so much more original and inclusive.

mrsrhodgilbert · 07/10/2013 17:36

Oh and I am so sorry to hear about your cat. That would have me in bits. Think dd misses the cats as much as she misses us and home.

MABS · 07/10/2013 17:36

Agree MrsRhod totally, your dd is doing so well. If dd wasn't happy, it would be hard but before she went we agreed at least til Christmas before pulling out.

noddyholder · 07/10/2013 18:05

Thanks mrsrhod. The cat thing has been hard esp as like your dd he has really missed them. I think Xmas is a good amount of time to really adjust.