EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD-Part 2

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Part one lasted seven years! Thanks RustyBear for the great idea.

I have one DD off this year and another one starting Sixth form so will be here for a few years!

So how are all the DC's getting on with the lists/packing etc?

I would go and see your DD3 MABs I'm sure she'd love to see you, DD3 is doing well at uni but is a little home sick now. DH and I are going up to see her next week. We are going on the Friday and coming back on Saturday. We are going by train. We asked DD3 what she thought and she said she'd like to see us. I remember DD2 had a reading week that coincided with the October half term in her first year and she came home for a few days.

MABS I would, although only if you are able to get there and back without being totally exhausted and unable to get everything you want/ need to get done for your hols. Although ask her first as she may say don't bother as too busy/ fine etc...

MABS I would, if you're away for that long afterwards. But if you go during the week she may be busy with lectures etc. See how she feels about it, of course.

Good idea Mabs. Does she have a half day on Wednesday? If so, that could work out well for her.

Ising, good to hear your DS is enjoying soton, your earlier comment re the Sunday night quiz reminded me that DS often went to that with his flat mates.

We are going to see my DS this Friday, to take him out for a meal, check his eyes/weight/smell etc. and take him food shopping as the day the free bus stops at his halls he is doing modules, so we will stock him up with heavy stuff. He just asked on fb if his dad would call him tonight. Just for a chat. DH will be surprised but pleased I think.

Was really surprised to see that his main tutor is a fb friend. How sneaky. I know my son forgets what other people can see, despite me telling him to be careful. He is learning that you can't judge others by appearances and that the others on his course are not all 'stoners', it's fascinating to be able to stalk him on fb.

no lectures at all on a Tues or Friday! :) dh could drop me at lhr at 6am, yes it's early.. only 70 mins flight, I could be with dd by 8.30ish as she ten mins from airport - that will thrill her! then I fly back 3pm. what do you think?

You are all so kind and sensible!! Makes me well up just reading your posts. I wish I had done this earlier!

Have had a text saying just one hour's lecture this morning then he went back to bed as he didn't feel well. I want to ring but DH is discouraging me as DS got so upset when I rang him last night. Have sent long, jokey e-mail full of love and encouragement. I think we will go one Sunday before the end of the month, although DH says not to make any promises as it might unsettle him. I know if it were me I would be relieved to know my parents were visiting some time soon, and I get the impression from your posts that it is the right thing to do. Your messages are really keeping me going. A lot of my friends are mothers from my son's school and I feel I can't talk to them about this as it sort of seems disloyal.

Thank you.

I know what you mean, but you know your children best. I tried to hold back as that is what everyone advises, but it just didn't work for me and I was so surprised when I realised that no matter how busy my son is he still likes to get messages and the odd call. Plus he is looking forward to seeing us. There's no way I am going into his room though. I'm not getting sucked into clearing up. Or ironing. I would ring, maybe a few days of phone calls when he isn't well would help him get through being ill all on his own. My daughter still rings me whenever she isn't well, I wouldn't have dreamt of calling my mother. She used to say 'don't come anywhere near me, let me know when you are better'! Now she is getting on I am sort of waiting for the chance to say it back but I doubt I shall if that time comes.

I don't see anything wrong with a visit. That's better than them coming home for the weekend. If they had just moved out and weren't at college you'd go to visit them so I don't see why going to university should be any different. If you went every weekend it would be OTT but every few weeks is fine.

Hi everyone. I just found this thread and thought I would join in too if I may? My dd2 has just started at university and seems to be having a great time, but I am missing her terribly. She has fresher's flu at the moment and isn't well at all. I am sorry about those whose children aren't settling, both my children have been so fine about it all that it made me feel really sad. Dd2 has also split up with her long term bfriend so to make matters worse she has gone and the boy who was at the house everyday for the past 2 years has gone too! I know I should be pleased that she is happy and I am but I still feel a bit sad about it all. Next year dd1 will have finished so I will probably be complaining then that she has come back home.

MABS that is a good idea - I went up to see ds last weekend on my own to deliver a few things he had left behind. Took him out for lunch - was tempted to do his washing and change his bedding but didn't. kitchen was a mess too but I left that too. Leaving him there the week before was so awful I had felt rotten but this time when I left him, even though he said he wouldn't see me until November, I felt ok. His grandparents met him earlier in the week and took him out for lunch "up west" and his other grandmother wants to meet him for lunch too. The draw of the capital I suppose (and the senior citizens railcard). Wouldn't worry about being shattered - it'll be worth it

I would definitely go MABS, especially as you will be going away for a few weeks afterwards. If she is having a slight wobble she won't have another chance to see you for further month otherwise.

Goldenyears, could you send your son some things in the post? I've sent dd a couple of things, mainly to put on her pin board, but its always nice to receive a letter,card etc. Do you think he might be getting freshers flu too? Does he have some medicine, I sent dd off with lemsip, painkillers etc for when it hit?

It sounds like they are all pleased to have calls and visits, no matter how well they are settling. I think we should all feel proud to have dc who love their parents so much.

I went to see DD after her first week. We were going on the Saturday but DSS was taken to hospital with appendicitis and she sounded so down when I said we weren't coming, her friends were all settling in at their unis and she had struggled all week. I went on the Sunday and we took the dog for a walk and had a good chat and I met her flatmates who were lovely and welcoming, even the obnoxious one. She seemed much happier when I left a couple of hours later but started to cry as I got into my car which made the drive home difficult. When I next spoke to her she said it was because she realised how lucky she was and she'd never appreciated her home life before.

She came home last Friday night as one of her friends was talking about leaving her course and we did worry it was an excuse but she was here less than 24 hours and had grown up so much from the previous week. She still has wobbles, she despises the obnoxious one even more and is finding it hard at times to live with so many different personalities in a small place, the boys are hogging the communal TV for their PS3 and/or playing loud rap music all the time. When she feels herself getting stressed she goes to her room and skypes one of her Japanese friends so the others can't understand what she's saying!

Today's dilemma is she's been asked to apply for a Japanese TV show and doesn't know what to do. She was one of only 2 westerners who got through to the audition stage for one of the major girl groups in the summer, she wasn't successful and knows she probably won't get past that stage again but ...... kids - why did we have them?!

MrsRhodGilbert - have been lurking on this thread, having sent off DS and DD1 to university with little/no settling in issues, but suspecting it could be different with DD2. Unfortunately have been proved right, and her experiences seem uncannily to mirror your DDs, ie flat mates who are just not interested in being friends, plus the awful feeling that everyone else's flat is a lot more fun. She's also met someone nice to walk to lectures with, but can't seem to progress the friendship. All in all, she says she's having a really awful time and I can tell from her flat tone on the phone that it is hard...I admire her for sticking at it, to be honest and, like your DD, she is doing all the right things-- getting contact nos. for the people she does gel with, going to meetings/events....But it is hard, both for her and for us, so wanted to say I sympathsise. She's talking about coming home for a couple of days at the end of this month, which I suspect means that if she feels things haven't improved by then she'll want to talk over her options.
Am currently fervently hoping that one of her attempts to reach out will be successful, as I feel if she can just make one friend who she feels comfortable with, the the rest will follow.

Hello ancientandmodern, it's very difficult isn't it and quite time consuming? I feel like I have a full time job just being the support on the phone and Skype at the moment. I've just had another hour on Skype again this evening, I don't think we talked this much when she was at home, but if I didn't do it she could potentially talk to no one some days.

How long has your daughter been away now? Dd said she had received a text today from an old school friend who, like dd, has gone to university after a year out and she is hating it. She doesn't like any of her flat mates and said that although there are lots of group photos on Facebook which look like they're having fun, they really don't get on at all. Another friend is also saying that after two weeks at her uni she is now getting homesick. There must be hundreds of patents around the country trying to support these new students and willing them to stick it out.

I answer the phone with trepidation, trying to gauge the tone of her voice. I've not had cheerful and laughing yet, I'm longing for that, although her sister is quite good with her on Skype and always raises a smile. We seem to be doing two steps forward and one step back at the moment.

Does your daughter not get on with any of her flat mates at all? Dd is down to one and they have decided to stick it out together now, but that's taken three weeks of great anxiety. I'm trying to make sure she remains pleasant to the others at least to avoid any nastiness.

I'm sure she will make friends, as you say, it just needs to start with one. That first one seems to be so hard though, keep us posted.

They all need to come home/see you different amounts, for some DC it is good for them, for others is can hold them back! Only you know your DC.

Also mrsrhod DD said similar about not belonging. She said she felt like she had so many different homes/lives and no permanent 'safe' place. It is a really hard change. DD in 3rd year now feels just as at home at uni as at homehome but still finds the 'two lives' thing hard and can't wait to settle and have just one home.

I'm off to see her in a week and a half :) we tend to do it that I visit once per term and she comes home once normally so that the term is split into 3 week blocks sort of. It works for us :)

Evening all, been lurking but not much time to post.

Hello to recent thread joiners, more the merrier!

MrsRG your DD has been amazing in VERY difficult circumstances, would she & nice flatmate be able to approach the accomodations office & ask for a transfer? Really can't understand folks who go home ALL the time having gone to the bother /expense of renting halls!!!!

My DD1 has settled in well as far as I can tell. Couple of Skype calls, but nithing last night so I was hoping she was busy. Turned out they all got together (11 of them in oine floor,sharing a kitchen) & cooked a meal last night, two of the girls went shoppping & bought all the makings for a Qourn bolognese as 2 of them are veggie. They all chipped in a few pounds for the ingredients & had a yummy supper. Then they played cards& other silly games & decided they should try & make it a weekly event!

Well, long chat with her last night, think her wobble is not being helped by her best friend being at another uni nowhere near her struggling badly :( he has been crying on the phone to her rather a lot..

Well 2 hours after the chat I texted her casually 'fancy lunch next Friday? she replied 'don't think was meant for me mum!' I said yes it was meant for her, she rang me, said are you serious??!! I said yes, shall I fly up for the day? She was absolutely delighted :)

We will see....

Oh MABS, I have been largely dry eyed throughout these last few weeks, which is very unusual for me, but you got me reaching for the tissues with that post.

Notsoskinny, I think you win the prize for most original issue of the day. Wouldn't know where to begin with that one but how marvellous to be able to have a bit of a rant in another language.

I am well aware that happy as my own DS is, if he didn't need our support he would not be spending as much time on fb as he does. He has even deigned to contact his big sister, think she is in shock! Our DCs are so lucky, so many ways to stay in touch, and most parents very supportive apart from the few, usually dads, who always seem to think it's just best to throw them in at the deep end and let them fend for themselves. I do remember visiting a friend at Birmingham uni who looked dreadful. I was quite worried, but he brushed it off. A few weeks later he had a nervous breakdown, he was so homesick and hated his course.

I went out with a friend last night and she was telling me about a radio 2 Simon Mayo Drivetime show she had been listening to as she drove home from work, with Pam Ayres on it advertising her new book. She had written a poem when her own son went off to uni, and read it out. It is so very true, my friend sent me the link this morning.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p01hxq3k

I suppose it will disappear in a week or so, but I wrote it all down.

The poem is at roughly 5.3 mins in.

We also have lovely neighbours who sent their daughter off to university about 15 years ago, she was about five hours away. She had a really bad time, eventually a breakdown and will never have a job or leave home now. My own mother in law also suffered a breakdown at university in the 1940s, which I suppose is making me watch dd carefully. The consequences when it goes wrong can be serious. I'm not suggesting that anyone here is facing anything like that, but they obviously need backup from home. Sorry, didn't intend to get so serious.

My fault, I brought it up, but it's one of the reasons why I would never stop checking on my son.

MrsRhodGilbert am with you on the work involved in supporting DC through this. One possible benefit is that in the last phone call I had with DD she seemed to have grown up a lot -- previous pre-uni conversations were usually accompanied by a lot of shouting, door slamming and contradicting everything everyone else said. Yesterday she was surprisingly calm and talked through the issues and possible actions/remedies in a very sober way. It seems the biggest problem is that the flat has split into a group of three (which she is part of) and the other two, who now don't talk when they all meet in the kitchen and, she says, have got friendly with the flat opposite who also don't talk or share invitations. I am quite shocked, tbh, that the others aren't working harder to disguise their feelings and just remaining civil - but I think they are probably also rather shell shocked and confused. DD also says she somehow missed the Fresher's Fair (?!) so has not signed up for any activities, but does say she might try ball room dancing at an event this week, which I encouraged (exercise, for one).
Agree with your other comments re potential mental health issues -- DD has had some anxiety problems in the past, and do not want to leave her unsupported (but do not want her to feel we run her life, either).
Upshot is, I think one nice chat with someone outside the flat or the offer of a coffee somewhere would probably do the trick....