EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD-Part 2

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Part one lasted seven years! Thanks RustyBear for the great idea.

I have one DD off this year and another one starting Sixth form so will be here for a few years!

So how are all the DC's getting on with the lists/packing etc?

Had the first really good long conversation with DS last night. Did it while DH was out so that he wouldn't get stressy about it, but actually he is wrong, DS loves getting phonecalls. They have all calmed right down now that the courses have started, so for weeknights he will welcome any phone calls that will give him an excuse to put down his books. I feel so much happier knowing that he really does like the phone calls. It makes me wonder how many DCs and parents there are out there thinking they should let each other alone while secretly very happy to have contact. DS loves it there but still wants contact. Very different from 3 yrs ago when he used to march ahead of us and pretend he was an independent orphan.

Thank you or all the kind comments. Dd has just been home for a couple of hours to hand some cv's out around town for Christmas work. She also got to see her sister who is at home because of the teachers strike.

I think we sent her back in a better mood and she looked happier. She is going to try the badminton club tonight. She has never played, apart from in the garden, but they welcome beginners and supply racquets. Sport clubs are usually fairly sociable. She will be going alone which i think is very brave, I hope someone speaks to her. I don't think she could take being crushed further.

She went back to the flat of one of her course friends last night and said they all just sit in the kitchen and chat in the evenings, cook together, save meals for those who will be in late. It made her see what is so absent in her flat. Having said that she did say they seemed like a very mixed group, a couple of loud ones, another who didn't speak at all. I think that made me think that there is definitely still time for further mixing, these groups are maybe not as established as she thinks. Logically I know that's right.

I think the girls secretly think it will all be like 'friends' or other american frat soaps where all the girls live together happily ever after. My daughter was shocked to realise that she never ever got to see the same people in her huge lectures ever again. My son was hoping for something more like Bang goes the Theory. He loves his flatmates but they are all ages and all years and nationalities. So there is an '18 yr old blonde bubbly midget', a '27 yr old arab Big Sister with an unpronounceable name', a 'guy like me', a 'tall thin northern beanpole about 7' tall' and a 'crazy russian'. One is 3rd year, 2 are 2nd year, the rest are freshers. Of course he had dreams of all of them going off to freshers together so when that didn't happen he went and banged on doors of other flats and now he has a crowd of really good people to socialise with. They have to be brave and desperate I suppose! It does sound as if your daughter is slowly getting used to things but i do feel for her desperately.

Thank you. It's a bit of a roller coaster, however this mornings venture round town dropping off her cv has already resulted in an interview offer from a very nice store. Also, nice flatmate who was thinking of moving out has sent her a text apologising for being out for the last few nights and wants to see her tomorrow.

It's her birthday next week so she is going to try to arrange a meal out with her rather random group of new friends.

I think you're right about the high expectations. Although I made friends with some of my floor in halls, my better friends were from other places.

great re the interview, that is positive, tho I do really feel for you both MrsRhod.

Re phone calls!!?? dd sat on her phone 4 times between 11- 12pm last night and rang our number! woke us all up ...not amused :) We were worried then finally spoke and realised what she had done....

I can remember my daughter doing almost exactly the same thing, only not as late at night. It's so frustrating, I could even hear her talking.

mrsrhod Yes DD definitely had an initial group who in hindsight she says she really disliked but just put up with because it was easy and it made her feel secure to have friends. To outsiders it probably appeared she was best of friends and so happy but she was still unsure and knew they weren't 100% her kind of people!
It wasn't until Christmas that her more established friendship group was made and they were people she really clicked with. Same with her course, it wasn't until Easter that she really found the friends who were on the same page as her.
It all takes time, but they get there :) I hope she is able to change flats or become part of the group in the other flat who seem more sociable. She has done amazingly to be sticking it out.

Oh thank you, it's very reassuring to hear that others have been through this and survived. Of ourselves I know it, but its nice to hear. I've suggested moving flats but she really doesn't want to. She likes her room, likes that its quiet, just wishes it were more friendly. I think she will find friends elsewhere.

I must say though that I don't think she would have managed this if we were hours away. She was only home for two hours today but it was just the boost she needed to keep going. I know many would disagree but they're all different and as someone said recently, this is still a transition period for some.

I am finding all of your comments so reassuring.

I have just had my son on the phone in tears (and he's 19 - I haven't seen him cry since he was at primary school). He hates it and is very lonely. He feels everyone is in groups already and, whilst his flatmates are ok, they are either out or in their rooms. I have gone through the usual: it's early days...other kids will feel like you...put yourself out there, but all I want to do really is tell him to come home and have a hug. I thought he was making progress as I hadn't had any texts from him since Sunday night but I got loads of miserable ones today and my DH (think I'm getting the hang of this now) confessed that he has been receiving miserable texts regularly since DS went but didn't want to tell me as he knew I'd be upset. He is saying university is not for him, that he wants to come home and get a job and be with more mature people who don't go out getting plastered every night. How can I persuade him that 5 days is not long enough and that he needs to persevere? It's all falling on deaf ears. Trouble is, one of his mates is doing the same course at a different uni and is telling him what a great time he is having - great flatmates and not everyone is out on the p*ss every night. I don't know what to do for the best. DH said it was a mistake to speak to him on the phone and I am not sure DS felt any better for it. (I certainly didn't. The red wine is beckoning but I have to go and collect DS2 later so it will have to wait). He has gone out now to another non-drinkers' event. I just hope they don't cancel this one as well. I am a bit worried that if he goes round looking like the spectre at the feast no one will want to be his friend anyway. This is all so miserable.

Oh dear... DS is not all that happy with the other people on his course. He says they all take drugs, but he has met lots of other really nice people in his flats so I suppose he is the other way round from most. I have told him not to worry, if he stays sober and clear-headed he will do far better than the others come exam time and will be employed when they are not. Thought it best to remind him that he is there to work and that life will be full of weird people of all levels of intelligence. Now is the only time in his life when he will be surrounded by clever people of around his age, and to make the most of it. It's working for now, I hope it lasts, but he did make a new male fb friend from his course and the photo was all hair, long bright red curls in a huge shock! Ds has been to a very conservative school. This is very good for him.

I suspect if your son came home and got a job there would still be loads of young men who go out and get plastered every night, maybe more as they'll have more money and no exams. The alcohol should tail off as the work starts.
I think programmes like friends and big bang theory create unrealistic expectations about flat sharing. Why should flat mates put together by a university accommodations manager get on together any better than someone just moving into a bedsit in a strange town to work or someone moving into a house and expecting to be best mates with all their next door neighbours.
If you're doing a course you enjoy and are passionate about and have hobbies available at the university then how well you get on with the people in the room next door will matter less. You're only in that flat for a year anyway.

Oh goldenyears, I was so sorry to read your post. Your son is certainly not alone in feeling the way he does and everything you have said to him is true. You might be in for a tough few weeks, as I am finding, but it is too soon to be making rash decisions. It's all very scary for them and he will meet others who feel the same as him. It might be a little more difficult for boys to admit it to each other though.

I would recommend joining some clubs, maybe something calm where a little less testosterone might be flying around. Dd went to badminton tonight by herself. She spent half an hour before texting me with every reason why she shouldn't go, but I managed to persuade her. She met several new girls, some by themselves also who seemed different to others she has met. Maybe a bit quieter who dont like the drinking/clubbing but still want to socialise. She also met and walked back with a new girl from her course who she has swapped numbers with who would like to go to the cinema etc!!!

She is in her 3rd week and last night I was seriously worried about her. Tonight she is different again. I dont think we are out of the woods yet but everytime she does something new her confidence is boosted. Could you persuade your son to join something, even if he has never done it before. Dd is going to try Pilates and yoga next, both very calm, also she's going to try helping backstage with drama. That is so far out of her comfort zone I can hardly believe it. Keep up the communication though, if he is lonely he needs to know you are still available at any time.

Will you let us know how you are all doing?

I don't know about everyone else but I am absolutely exhausted with the emotion of the whole thing. My ds wants a course change for very genuine reasons but has found the tutor he first spoke to unhelpful and is really miserable about it saying he may as well give up. He has joined teams and made friends but the course really matters to him. It is so hard as I don't think he has spoken to the right people yet and am encouraging him to keep trying as he is doing well apart from this.

today I woke up to a 'love you and miss you' text from dd, burst into tears :(

MrsRhod your dd is showing extraordinary tenacity - whatever else happens that in itself is an experience she will be able to draw on.

Goldenyears I just want to hug you and your ds. I have a colleague who has two sons who both went to Oxford. She says both absolutely hated their first terms. They both cried down the phone to her saying they were out of their depth, couldn't do the work, didn't like the people etc etc. Anyway, both managed to stick out the first term and in the second term things began to fall into place - partly by admitting to other people how hard they were finding it.

I have to go and deliver some stuff that ds forgot today. He is only about 30 miles away and my mum wants to go shopping there so we can kill two birds with one stone. Not sure if I will see ds - he had a big night out last night...... so I may just drop the stuff off at reception.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind and helpful posts. DH texted DS this morning and the event did take place last night and DS said it was ok, so that is something (pretty much the most positive comment he has made so far!). mrsrhodgilbert - I think your daughter is doing amazingly well and I do take comfort from that. Freshers fair is this weekend (shame it wasn't last weekend) so we are going to encourage him to join some clubs. He had said before he wanted to get involved in Student Radio but now he says he feels so awful he doesn't think he will be able to go for it or sell himself. We knew it was going to be difficult as he is not particularly outgoing or sporty (he has gone to a really sporty uni) but we know he has to stick at it as his course is a vocational one. He is about 2 - 3 hours away by car. Would it be a mistake to visit him later on this month? I would not even consider suggesting he come home as he might never go back.

DS student loan has been paid , so now he is supposed to be working out a budget , and seeing if he needs us to send him an allowance ( hopefully he will be able to manage with his savings , but he has turned into a bit of a party animal )

goldenyears I think I would visit . It might be the boost he needs having a face to face chat .

DS is talking about coming home next weekend . I'm discouraging him as nicely as possible , it's such a long way , across London to Paddington , then 4 hours in the train .
AND it's not because he wants to see us , oh no . It's his friends 18th this weekend .

goldenyears I hope things improve soon fror your DS. I would definitly go and visit him some time soon something to look forward to will help.

MABS oh bless how lovely.

Ds seems to be settling in fine - another one who isn't sporty or a big drinker. He seems to be in a quiet flat so most people are hitting the books rather than the booze. Lectures seem to be going well although I had a panic "I'm never going to understand this, it is all a big mistake" text the other day.

He has said he maybe back one weekend soon, can't wait to see him and feed him up.

Also I appear to have caught fresher's flu for him!

and to all

Oh I've got freshers flu too, courtesy of dd, she is coming through it now.

I've spoken to her this morning and she has been invited for another interview. She obviously has a good cv and covering letter, just needs to refine her interview technique. It's all good practice though.

Goldenyears, I would definitely arrange to visit him. One of the things dd was most upset about at first was not quite knowing where she belonged any more. That shocked me a lot, in my mind she hasn't officially left home yet, but is studying away at the moment. I will change my attitude to that when she seems to be ready. But she obviously thought we may not consider her to be quite part of the family any more, I think that shows how shocked they can be by the experience. Go and see him and make him feel very sure that he is still everything to you and you are almost going through this with him, just in different places.

Everyone dd is meeting now has hated the freshers experience and doesn't want to drink and go clubbing.

But I haven't seen Ds and he doesn't have it!

mrsrhodgilbert Wow your DD sounds very busy getting everything together. Hope the interview goes well. And get well soon!

I'm sure he will get it soon, dd says everyone is coughing now.

Crikey - reading this page I've been welling up - so sorry that it's not going well for some. I think it's often harder for boys to admit they are so unhappy.

goldenyears - it's a really tough call re going to see him. Only you know how he is likely to react to that. Like coming home he might decide to call it a day there and then. My two nephews were both desperately unhappy in their first terms following almost immediate break-ups with long term girlfriends. They did come home a lot during the first term and it did help them and they are now loving their second year. But you are right to worry that it could cause your DS to leave. Perhaps put off you decision for another week.

mrsrhod glad things are on the up for your DD. Hope the interviews go well.

Not heard from my DS in France for several days so can only hope things are going well. Sent 2 bags over today which should arrive on Friday - fingers crossed. He'll then have entertainment if he is left totally on his own in the school like last weekend.

goldenyears I think a planned visit in about 3 weeks time might be a good idea. It's good he went out last night - just keep encouraging him.

I managed to see ds for about ten minutes this morning. He is hoarser than a hoarse thing - not sure how much of that was down to last night or whether he really does have a bit of a chesty cold. But he seemed really happy and is enjoying university life so far.

All the best to all those who are struggling. I think everyone has periods when unhappiness hits. The chief answer seems to be to keep joining things and get to know different groups of people. I remember from my own time at uni that if you can grit your teeth and get through the first few weeks it does get better for most people.

opinions please ladies? Dd has been great, but may be slightly wobbly now, but really does seem fine. I am debating flying up to see her one day next week just for few hours just to see her with my own eyes, take her for lunch etc. what do you think? the week after dh ds and I fly to Oz for 3 weeks so I s'pose I am conscious of that too and want to see her first. Thoughts?