EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD-Part 2

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Part one lasted seven years! Thanks RustyBear for the great idea.

I have one DD off this year and another one starting Sixth form so will be here for a few years!

So how are all the DC's getting on with the lists/packing etc?

Well today we took DD1 to Warwick & it all went very smoothly although the sun made my eyes water as we left the vilage & she said bye very impressed with the logistics of it all, considering they were processing 3k new students over the w/e.

I helped her unpack so I could take the cases & boxes out of the way, we had some lunch & then walked back to the car.

Kept it all together until I left, as we said goodbye she burst into tears on my shoulder hugging me tight & I lost it right in the middle of a crowded car park

Everyone keeps saying "oh she'll be fine" & I'm sure she will , seems like her corridor of 12 are all nice people & she was going back to make tea & offer round the home made brownies she took.

DD2 & I have been tucked up under her duvet on the sofa watching crap telly & eating fruit crumble!

to all those feeling bereft /worried about all the DC.

Glad it went well MissMarplesBloomers , fussychica I hope the school do something for your DS next weekend, it wasn't very nice of them to leave him completely on his own this weekend I'm glad he's just getting on with it and taking it in his stride though, he sounds a very sensible young man.
Spoke to DD3 today she sounded very perky and is still getting on with her flat mates, she has also joined a couple of clubs and societies, She went on a church crawl with the Christian union today. She has also joined the climbing society. Bolton university own part of a gym and climbing wall.there is a climbing wall.
To everyone still worrying about their DC they will get there. DD3 has grown up in the last 2 weeks.

Morning all, it's nice to hear how everyone is getting on. Your poor son fussy, that sounds like a daunting experience for him. I do hope he will be ok in the middle of nowhere.

We had a very upset dd on Skype last night. She has discovered that the one girl in her flat of 5 who is making an effort to be friendly had been offered a room in another flat which someone has ready vacated. She is doing a vocational course which by its nature will require those students to gel quickly and she is socialising much more now with them and is thinking of moving on. She said the only thing stopping her going is dd. I can absolutely sympathise with this girl and couldn't really blame her for moving.

I just don't know what to do, DH is wondering about talking to the accommodation team to express our concerns, but this is not school. What can they do? They can hardly say come on now girls, play nicely.

I have not spoken to dd yet today but , after all her effort and determination of the last two weeks, I feel she is going to retreat inside her shell. She was going to try a couple of activities this week but that won't happen if she gets too upset. I am at a loss now and I don't know how much parents should/ could approach the university. Would they be bothered?

fussychia this is why they leave home. It's tough on him but he will survive and be stronger as a result. Pretty crap of the school and he might like to feed that back to his university so they don't send anyone else there in future. Can he hire a bicycle to make getting around easier?

mrsrhodgilbert parents shouldn't approach the university, you role is to offer advice at this stage. Your daughter should be talking to the accommodation people and asking if they have a place for her - or both your dd and her friend - in another flat. If she has problems with them she goes to her student union for help and if that fails then she can authorise the university to talk to you. The university will not discuss this sort of thing with you. What is happening with the other 3 girls? Your dd needs to try again with them.

Dd is trying, but thanks. One has a friend from school in another hall and is there all the time. By that I mean she hasn't cooked or eaten in the flat, is out all day and comes home very late to sleep. She is just not present or prepared to chat if caught in the corridor. Dd has seen her 3 times in two weeks for about 5 minutes. She has tried to arrange to meet up with her and had been let down every time.

The other two also know each other from 6th form college but do not seem to be great friends. They spend every evening in their rooms, separately, watching twilight DVDs. One brings her boyfriend from home in quite often, the other goes home a lot. They are not interested in socialising.

mrsrhod God that sounds absolutely dire. She needs to contact the accommodation office asap to arrange a swap. I'm sure there's something about being able to swap within the first month without any penalty.

Hope she finds a nice flat soon.

I have to say that my formerly quiet non-drinking son is adjusting a lot better than i am. I had a major wobbly yesterday after thinking for the previous three days that i had got over it. DH not particularly supportive or understanding but took me out for the afternoon, he tried to understand why I needed to come on here and wondered aloud if talking about it between us caused mass hysteria. As he was driving at the time I didn't kill him but was sorely tempted. As knowing I am not alone has helped vastly I was astonished. Maybe he would have preferred it if I had wept all over his shoulder every day, but i think not, am begining to think he would have had me certified.

Son still doesn't drink, just buys a round for everyone else and has a half pint of weak beer when asked. No-one minds or cares in his crowd and he says they are 'awesome'. They don't share the cooking but they do share toastie makers and so on, and pool crisps and drinks for movie nights. He has found that they are a sensible lot on the whole and going out has decreased. Classes started today and everyone in all four flats in his wing had an early night!

mrsrhodgilbert your daughter should ask to be moved. My nephew asked to be moved three months in when he first started and they were fine about it. Several people had given up and gone home (Oxford) and he had the wonderful option of going around four flats and being able to choose. He shared a house for the next three years with the flatmates he ended up with. My own son is very glad he isn't sharing a flat with one of his best friends from school as she is going back home and spending all her weekends with her boyfriend, not something he had thought she would do.

Really good advice from everyone. Find I am OK until I do something "normal" - then it feels weird that dd is not here. Then I can feel a bit tearful. It is a tribute to how close we are to our children and how much we love and care for them. OK, eventually they will become more independent but I see this time as a transition, when we want to be there for them if they need us. I think texting and Skype are such a boon.

I think it is a shame that so many people keep going home all the time. How will they ever really adjust to uni or make friends? It is also hard for those who live further away from their homes if the place empties at weekends. Dd is doing things with other people and joining societies she is interested in. Feel very proud of all the dcs who are coping, especially those who are finding it hard. They are being very brave. Hope things improve soon.

MrsRhod - would the girl that your DD gets on with, go to the accommodation office with her? It may not be possible for them to get a shared flat together, but hopefully if 2 of them are there, accommodation may understand just how bad it is, and be able to offer your DD a place in a different flat.

MissM - ((hugs)) well done on getting your DD there, I hope she settles in quickly.
DS is fine - sent me a stroppy text asking for his NHS number - hoping its because he wants to register at GP practice, not because he's in casualty!!

But, I thought I could keep DS1 till tomorrow, but he has to return to Southampton today. I am stuck in work, so am trying to find out what time he plans to leave so I can make a quick exit. DD will be sad if he goes before she gets home from school. :(

Good idea JGBMum. Madeofkent a good example of how useful mumsnet can be at times. I suspect my OH will be worse than me - not crying on my shoulder but rather lost and not knowing what to do with himself. Perhaps your OH is secretly jealous.

MrsRhod - others have already offered some good advice for your dd. Just know that we all empathise with YOU sat at home worrying about her and wanting to try and make things right.

All seems to be going ok here. I had a Skype session with ds last night but the connection was awful so we kept it short. He seems fine - was having dinner cooked for him last night and was going to a quiz night. I had to go and do a grocery shop this morning and have already noticed how much cheaper it is to feed three rather than four! I think we are all settling into a new routine and a new dynamic at home now.

Thank you ising. She will not speak to me today and she left our Skype session last night in tears. DH spoke to her a little later and offered some practical tips that we picked up from the uni website. I've had a text to say she is ok (safe) but doesn't want to talk. I have suggested speaking to the student residential advisors who live in each hall and /or the accommodation office with or without her friend. I'll leave her now.

It's a little lonely here as DH has gone away for three nights, at least he is not in America as he should have been and dd2 will be out until late after school for two nights this week. Today's shopping was ridiculously cheap. The cat food cost more than my food.

mrshod sorry your DD is having a hard time. I haven't really got anymore advice to give you as everyone else has already given good advice and the same as I would have said. I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. It's hard when your DCs are far away from home. To everyone else who still feels sad you will get there and your DCs will settle down- I have a lot of support from DH as he misses DD3 as much as I do.

MadeInKent
Neither of my DS's drink, one is teetotal and the other very occasionally has a shandy they don't take after me They don't buy rounds of drinks for their friends unless there is a specific reason such as a birthday or a thank you. We are partly funding them and I told them I didn't really want to be subsidising there friends drinking habits. is that mean of me?
I got the impression from them that this is perfectly ok and a complete non-issue.

It doesn't seem to matter to anyone that they don't drink. My eldest thinks it has saved him us hundreds of pounds.

So sorry to hear some are still having a problem settling. From personal experience, though years ago, I think going home for too many weekends in the first term is a mistake for most. I do think though it's worth trying to change flats. I hated my really noisy halls and tried to change but unfortunately it wasn't an option so I landed up spending most of the time sleeping on a friends floor to actually be able to get some sleep. Not a great experience.

Thanks for the support re DS. I know he'll survive. He's pretty resilient - goes to Uni 5 hours from home so only comes home for the hols, hospitalized during freshers for half a term and just done a 14 week internship in Germany. However, I was hoping that he would get a bit more support during his first couple of days in another country. Just spoke to him - everyone around again and he sounds fine so just hope it keeps on improving. I just want his year abroad to be a great experience and I know there's lots of time for it to become that.

so sorry Mrsrhod, horrible for you all. well done to those who dropped this w/e.

Asking the accommodation office for a flat swap sounds sensible and if your dd can go along with someone else as JGB suggests it might make it easier.

Also sorry Mrsrhod both for you and your dd.

I asked dd yesterday how she was getting on with her other 4 flatmates. She said she gets on well with 3 of them, one keeps herself more to herself, but it had been her birthday and the others had bought her a card and a cake which I thought was really nice.

I had a wobble last night for some reason and really missed her, but you just have to get on with it. It has made me really sorry for my Mum. Never gave her a thought when I went off to uni

Notsoskinnyminny, thank you so much for your message. Really, really reassuring. I rang him yesterday and he sounded ok-ish. He had decided to go to a non-drinkers event on Saturday night but it was cancelled (shame). I would like to ring him every night but my husband says to leave him be and that he would be calling us if things got on top of him. I confess I cyber-stalked him last night and was very depressed to see he had only made two new FB friends since starting.
mrsrhodgilbert, I am so sorry that your daughter is having such a tough time.

Don't think you can use fb as a guide to friends any more - my son uses it for our sakes but he uses several other forums as well. YouHaveAGoodPoint from what my son says the soft drinks and things are more expensive than the beers the others are drinking, in the student bars! So he doesn't mind buying a round. They have it all worked out, between ten of them they buy a round each once every two nights and as not everyone wants one it cost him £10 this weekend, more during the fresher's week of course. We can't give him any more money, so he is joining OTC because they will pay him £45 a week. He used to belong to the CCF so knows what he will be letting himself in for. If anyone else has a child who needs more money it's worth considering - you only have to turn up 15 times a year for training and to pass the medical to qualify. Summer camp optional. A sort of 'Baby TA' really.

DD3 isn't even friends with us on Facebook as she doesn't really want parents as friends. I"m not sure why really as she is friends with her Aunts and uncles and she also has some mutual friends so I sometimes see her comments on their posts. She says we can email phone or text her. I'm going to try Skype as well soon. Anyway I'm beginning to back of a bit with the phone calls now and will probably just phone once a week unlessanything urgent comes up.

I stalk DDs twitter but most of it is in Japanese. She doesn't have any family on Facebook and I got her to create a new account before she went to uni after attending a course where they put up photos of delegates who'd been tagged even though they thought their account was private.

I called DS last night, hadn't spoken for 6 days. He fell down a flight of stairs at 7am last Tuesday (on the way back from a club ) and thought he'd broken his ankle. Someone called an ambulance and he spent 6 hours in A&E. It's just badly sprained so he's hobbling around.

Didn't tell me before because he knew I'd worry .

You know they've grown up when you hear about that sort of stuff a week later....

I think it's nice if you get on with your flat mates in the first year but not essential. It is fairly random who you're put with and common that these people aren't folk you click with. As the year goes on they'll get to know people in their course and if they join clubs they'll have other groups of people there and will gradually find friends.
Few adults would instantly find a large group of friends if going to college so it's unrealistic to expect teenagers to do this.

fussychia you've reminded me that I had to do something very similar to get away from a difficult room mate (used to have her boyfriend around all the time, till the early hours). Fortunately I was able to move rooms after a term.

Wouldn't worry about Facebook friends, there are still teens who don't use it all and others who only go on infrequently. In fact few new friends could mean too busy having fun to send or agree friend requests. Mine already has about a dozen "Facebook friends", people at their college on their course, they have found via TSR and the freshers Facebook pages. Doesn't mean they'll like them when they meet.