EMPTY NEST SUPPORT THREAD-Part 2

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Part one lasted seven years! Thanks RustyBear for the great idea.

I have one DD off this year and another one starting Sixth form so will be here for a few years!

So how are all the DC's getting on with the lists/packing etc?

Meandthecat that's brave of you staying behind. I know I couldn't have done it, I'm sure your DS will have a good time with his Grandad though.

I keep telling myself that no news is good news, eatyourveg. The first evening I heard from him several times as he waited to go out. The next day he rang twice and pm'd and facebooked several times, today it has been two quick pms only, one fb update. I think it is a sign that he has settled in and is too busy for me or facebook. Which is good for him, not so much for me...

I suddenly had a strong memory of me two weeks after I left home, a wave of homesickness hitting me and sitting on the stairs crying my eyes out for five minutes, then getting up and shaking myself and getting on with my life. I don't think I have ever even thought to tell my mother that I was homesick for those five minutes.

I think no news is good new so don't worry :)

Just received a short fb message informing me that he is going in to collect a student card and buy some new hockey shin pads. Felt pathetically pleased for small scrap of contact. But today I do feel better.

Spoke to dd again this morning, she just sounds so sad, it's breaking my heart. I've been telling her it will get better for over a week now and it isn't. She just seems to think other flats have bonded well and it is going to be difficult to break into established groups. Her flat is not bonding because 3 girls are talking about moving out. I know logically that friendships made in the first weeks do not always last and people will still be open to making new friends in the coming weeks. I feel almost envious of those whose dc are not in contact because they are having such a good time.

Hi All. Mrs Rhodgilbert - I feel for you. Very hard when they're unhappy.

We went down to Plymouth again at the weekend to see DS and took some more stuff he wanted. He seemed fine, settling in and making friends etc but today, he's had his 1st lectures and he rang me crying saying he hates it and wants to come home and doesn't like the course etc etc. I gave him a pep talk about it being a bit overwhelming at first and the 1st bit of the course (English Lit) is only a tiny part of the whole thing and that he needs to go and wash his face and have a walk in the fresh air and go to his 2nd lecture (Spanish) and then we will talk again this evening. I told him that we can perhaps adjust his course and that he needs to make an appointment with his personal tutor to discuss how he's feeling. Oh, this is hard. Has anyone any experience of them changing/not liking their course? I think most of this is just general homesickness though...............

MrsRhodgilbert if her flatmates move out there will probably be other people who didn't get university accommodation and wanted it who will move in. As they start attending lectures there are more opportunities to make friends. She can also look at joining some of the societies and making friends that way. I am still friends with someone I met in the third year at university, not with some of those I lived with in the first year.

Homesickness is normal, I couldn't wait to leave home and still had my 5 minutes when I was ready to go home. If they can be persuaded to admit to their flatmates how they feel they may find the rest will admit to having had their moments too.

I know of several young people who have changed course and/or university but it's a very expensive option to change university, much easier to change course.

is it a course he thought he wanted to do for a long time?

Hello thank you for that. The thing is they have all admitted to each other about being homesick. 2 girls want to leave as they actually live close enough to commute and just don't seem to want to make living in halls work. I have to wonder about their decision making. Sorry, that doesn't sound very nice, I'm just frustrated.

I'm sure she will meet people on her course, she has a seminar tomorrow so hopefully more chance to interact with a smaller group.

She has just told me that two girls were attacked by a man at the security gate to halls last night and ended up in hospital. She has a personal alarm but its worrying he went for two together.

Mrsrhod, you both sound like you are having a hard time, it must be very difficult. Do you know if she has been able to find any societies or clubs she likes? Hopefully once lectures start she'll hook up with some nice people - and see if there's an accommodation swaps board, she may see something suitable.

My two are still maintaining radio silence, Skype off, no replies to text or emails......I'm actually just a tad annoyed now, I did ask them not to disappear off the face of the earth! DT2 has had induction sessions and tutorials so will use that as an excuse to call him, DT1 seems to have vanished into the ether.

Mrshodgilbert - so sorry that your dd is having a tough time - hope she gets some new flatmates soon. Doesn't say much for the staying power of the two who are going. I thought freshers were usually keen to be in halls to make friends .... Also hope the security is improved. Suburbanqueen - hope your ds feels better about things soon. He might just have had a really bad attack of homesickness. There are so many new things at once, I think it can be really hard to process it all.

We took dd on Sunday. A lot of people had already moved in so it wasn't very welcoming, with all the closed doors. But she seems OK and has been busy all day today. I find not knowing what is going on with her the hardest - but we have to learn to let go and as so many have said, no news is good news. Thank you, Mabs, for saying that you feel better after a week. I am not looking forward to cooking the dinner - think it is the small, ordinary things that get to you. Hugs to all who are going through this.

Mrshodge sorry to hear about the attack on 2 girls. It must be worrying for you but I expected they'll step up security now. DD3 has been feeling a bit home sick but fortunately for her she has a good bunch of flat mates. She said one of them has been going home a lot she lives in Liverpool and it does't take long to get there from Bolton. I think all the others are to far from home to go home often. I'm sure your DD will make friends soon.

Mrsrhod, have the other girls not signed a contract? DD asked if she could come home last week and commute but I told her she'd have to pay her rent for the rest of the year and find train fares so she reluctantly changed her mind, although I did feel awful, so perhaps the other parents might say the same.

DD's been making an effort to talk to people and has met a few staying in her halls who have admitted the transition is harder than they thought it would be.

Thanks all again. No it doesn't say much for the staying power but apart from a deposit no hall fees need to be paid until early October, although I doubt they would be let off them. The third girl has an old school friend in another hall and she is spending every evening over there. She apparently popped in for two minutes to take some food and left again. That's not really helpful is it? Which leaves dd and one other who seems to have a lot of work already so is busy.

If there is no one in the flat corridor the lights go out so dd does not want to sit with her door open onto a dark corridor. So she is in her room alone again and wouldn't consider going out after the attack last night. I'm feeling quite cross and upset now, surely living in halls is all about getting to know new people, that's really what dd was hoping for.

It's obviously not easy for your dd mrsrhodgilbert and yet she is trying so hard. Circumstances conspiring against her. I really hope things turn for the better soon. Keep us posted

I had a wobble last night but we had a skype session with ds this evening which was lovely. He has cooked a couple of meals and even done some washing up.

Mine has gone 3 weeks ago and we are in contact every day. She is fine and loving it. Settled in great. Which is brill!!! I am missing her terribly. Feel so so empty. Never had so much pain. She doesn't know this and wont know either. I just feel so lost.

Mrsrhod had your dd started lectures yet? Hopefully she will find some people on her course she can bond with. It does sound grim for her, poor thing.

Other than that I would certainly suggest she tries to find some clubs she can join so that at least she gets to know people with a common interest.

I shared a room in my first year. I had nothing in common with my room mate and wasn't sure how it would work out. Well over 20 years later we are still friends.

Keep telling her to hang in there as hopefully it will get better.

Dd had her first lecture yesterday and has her first seminar tomorrow. She has discovered that one of the girls who was attacked is in her seminar group and lives in the next flat. They have met very briefly so she will go and find her in the morning and suggest they walk in together.

I know that little by little she will get to know people because I did this myself 30 years ago. She has just been really unlucky with her flat share. However three of them have agreed to attend a fun event tomorrow together so fingers crossed. We skyped this evening and she seemed more cheery, she is trying to keep busy.

It's lovely to hear how all your dc are doing, makes me feel less isolated and your support is very comforting. The only person I am still in contact with is someone I met in yr3, so plenty of time yet, (apart from DH who I snapped up in the first month).

Tried phoning DD3 several times this evening as I said I would as she was feeling a bit homesick on Sunday, Eventually got a text back saying sorry I didn't have my phone with me I'll phone you tomorrow. So I presume she's feeling better.

Sorry to hear about those having wobbles and mrshodg that things are still rubbish, I feel for your DD she has been very unlucky it seems.
Has she found a society with a good social life like any sports team? DD said her friend who was in similarly rubbish situation as your DD joined rowing and built a great social life around that. I hope that these negative flatmates just move and are replaced with some similar to your DD who have moved from other antisocial flats and want to have a good time and make an effort.

DD is back for 3rd year and I'm glad to report sounds very bright and says she hasn't been homesick apart from a few minutes on the firs night. They learn coping mechanisms and how to deal with it and adapt much more quickly as time goes on. With DC feeling homesick just encourage them to keep busy and that it will get easier.
Luckily I'm working so have a good distraction but I miss coming home to her bouncing downstairs to have a chat about our days. Thinking of those whose DC have just gone and if contact is still iffy! No contact often means they are so busy and throwing themselves into it.

suburbanqueen hope your DS is now feeling happier? It is often possible to change courses but as you said he would need to speak to his tutor. Do make sure though if he really does want to change courses that it is still a good course to do at that specific university. My DS eventually changed course last year but although his initial university was great for his first course it wasnt for his second course. So he ended up withdrawing from the course and reapplying to another university.

Thanks everyone. I'm hoping this is just a bad bout of homesickness and that it will pass but I do have lingering worries that academia isn't really for him. Problem is these days, they all get swept along in this craze for going to uni, partly because there are so few other options for them. Being old, there were more varied opportunities for my generation. Still, musn't jump the gun. He says he's Ok again now - although he still sounds as flat as a pancake and isn't doing anything but sit in his room and play GTA5 !!!!

just rang dd, wasn't happy, was asleep at 13.45. Said she hah had a 3 hour lecture and was totally exhausted..yeah right! nothing to do with social stuff then :)

I haven't heard from mine but my daughter managed to get through to him this morning - which was a bit suspicious as he was meant to be registering at 8.30am so I hope he made it in. Apparently she was up with the baby last night and saw that he was on fb at 4am!!! he had been to a hot tub beach party My quiet non-drinking son who used to like early nights has turned into a party animal! It's nice to know that he is still alive. I feel a lot better today, yesterday was wobbly but today the intense pain has lessened hugely.

That's a good sign madeinkent and I'm glad you're feeling better. Mine has just sent a text to day that the flat mate who keeps visiting her school friend in another hall has just cancelled the plan she made to meet in 10 minutes. She is in a cafe in the city centre which sounds quite deliberate to me, no intention of meeting and selfish. She seems determined to ignore her living companions. They all look like perfectly normal girls, nothing immediately off putting about any of them, she is not giving them the smallest chance to befriend her. Why would someone behave like this? Dd is very patient but I can imagine her getting very frustrated if this girl ever turns up. I guess this is the downside of quite small flats and I will be wary of it if dd2 goes in 2 years. She was wary of halls with mZny rooms on one corridor in case it was too noisy but actually it would have been much better.