As a parent, do you feel your DC's Uni "should" communicate with you?

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A general question really, I work for a uni and we regularly get complaints from parents that we should have told them stuff.

But, the student is an adult and the contract is between the student and the university, even if parents are paying the fees/living allowance.

In some cases we would be breaking confidentiality by informing parents (e.g. Health issues), in others, I just think it's odd that parents get involved (e.g. student not picked for sports team).

Would appreciate some views/experiences

What an horrific experience for you and your housemates. Sadly these type of experiences do happen to students and when they do the need for support structures emotionally and academically are paramount. As an experienced (ex) faculty officer i am appalled that your extenuating circumstances were not credited to you. Alot depends on timing though. When the faculty meets to present any extenuating circumstances to the exam board these circumstances have got to be well documented and officially recorded at the time of the exam( or prior to it if circumstances are ongoing and known).. A late remark result should have been considered and, if the faculty had been briefed of events (i use the word if as communication in universities is both convoluted and ludicrously bureaucratic) there should have been some follow up/intervention to support you.. I could give many shocking examples of students virtually being left tofend for themselves in a range of difficult situations. The uni and faculties are not in loco parentis, so even knowing what some students were going through we could not tell parents. Fine. But then where does the support come from for often very inexpereienced and vulnerable young adults? The SU offered counselling but The University' per se being actively involved unless asked, very rarely happened in my experience and lots of students in my opinion were badly let down. which is whi posted upthread about the need for the student/parent/uni interface to be urgently reviewed.

The impression the academics here are giving is that they would not encourage students to seek support from parents when that student needs it

Interesting how two people can read a thread completely differently!

I can't count the number of times I have said to a distressed student "Do you think you should talk to your parents about this?"

But the point is it is up to the student to communicate with his/her parents Not mine as a tutor. That is what university employees have been saying on this thread and it's interesting that all staff academics and administrators -- say pretty much the same thing. And all of us are pretty clear on what support is offered, and how & when parents would need to be involved.

I think some posters on this thread are persistently refusing to take this point. University tutors and admin and support staff cannot and should not be the go-betweens between parent and child.

And ILikeBirds I hate it when I read such accounts as yours it shouldn't happen. Indeed, the one piece of work I don't mind interrupting my family holiday to mark in August is an assessment from a student who had a close family bereavement just before the end of term. I'm marking the work as a "first submission," for full credit. And that's as it should be.

nooka I think you need to understand the substantial differences between US and UK university practices, and also accept that things have changed since you were at college. A lot.

If I am funding the course for my DD, how does it differ that I need to be kept up to date with her progress

Ask her?

Presumably your DS's sponsors will require him to supply progress reports.

If I were really cynical, I would see a lot of parental questions on this thread in some way indicating that they fear that their relationship with their DCs is not good enough to withstand separation.

I would have thought, from a legal point of view, Uni's would have to be very careful about disclosing any information to anybody incl. parents

Parenting seems to have been extended now into university years. This is because it is seen as just an extension of school and the whole parent/child/education is much more involved now whether thats a good or a bad thing is debatable but it is a fact. My mates are paying,driving furniture around paying house deposits and then supporting in the holidays and providing a home at the end.Society really has changed and is happening rapidly. I would expect my ds to contact us if he was in any serious trouble re health money etc I have seen this with my own friends and their dc. ANything that he didn't want me to know I would consider private and would hope he could make a decision on his own.

Surely all sponsors will need the permission of the student involved for the uni to disclose information, of course a condition of sponsorship will be permission is given for the Uni to do so.

Parents could do the same and ask their adult children give permission for info to be passed to a third party (the parent) as a condition of financial support.

I dont think a parent / child relationship such as the above would be healthy though, others may feel differently.

Not at that stage yet but I hardly received any communication from my university myself so I would have been surprised if they contacted parents. Since my parents never went to university they would have been utterly clueless to deal with these things anyway.

That said, I had quite a few fellow students who had to be sectioned etc. so obviously their NOK had to be contacted. I imagine that was not so much the university though. A lot of students at my university seemed to have some quite severe mental health problems and, although I can see that parents might want to know about these things, I don't think they were contacted about this in general.

Students are usually adults (I say that because I was not when I first went and there were a few people younger than me) so it is really for the parents to investigate by visiting if there is a real concern. Most parents don't seem to bother but my mum would usually come mid-term. It was fun and I suppose gave her the opportunity to see that things were okay.

I think some parents want to be "kept in the loop" like they were at school, with termly reports, weekly newsletters, and so on. But that just isn't - nor should it be - how universities operate.

If your 18yo isn't ready to live independently, that doesn't mean you've failed as a parent, of course - people mature at different rates and have different needs. But surely it means you should encourage them to defer their studies until such time as they are more ready to make full use of the opportunity?

As far as a university is concerned, your parents are your next of kin only and are therefore to be contacted directly only in times of real emergency such as admission to hospital. Missing a few lectures or failing an exam - or even a course - just doesn't fall into that category.

I think some parents want to be "kept in the loop" like they were at school, with termly reports, weekly newsletters, and so on

So they should ask their children! Who are adults ...

You try suggesting to an 18 year old who along with his mates sees university as an extension of school and 6th form to defer and work for a year or 2! It really is like talking to a brick wall I have no real fears about my ds living independently but I do worry about the debt

Oh dear noddy I do feel for your situation. Can you limit your funding of his desire to live the student lifestyle, without the scholarly bit? I am often saying to student that they may need to be less of the student and more of the scholar ... God, I must be an annoying tutor!

But I was thinking about the suggestions upthread about students giving university staff permission to disclose progress etc. So, shall I really write a report for a parent saying "Little Jonny neglected to do his reading for 70% of the seminars in my module, and so receives a participation mark of 30%. He also failed to attend 60% of the lectures, and handed in two essays late. I have asked him to attend a personal progress tutorial (a one to one meeting of 20 minutes). He has so far failed to respond to my email."

Do parents really want to read that?

PS I am working on 18C satire at the moment, so that might be influencing my posts

I really really don't want reports on my ds academic progress , I suspect it would just depress me and I have two other children to support . However it does amuse me that all these academic staff say that the parents should keep out ,but the finance department/ accommodation have no qualms contacting me to ask for money !

The only things I would want to know personally are: X hasn't been seen for 3 weeks + by anyone in the department, X has failed, X is in the health centre/hospital.
I would expect myself to keep in touch with my children, and generally have a good relationship with them.

I do also understand some parents are over the top: the mother who moved into the University town while her DS studied, or DHs parents who travelled immediately to try to persuade him not to drop his joint honours subject which he was failing.

Little Jonny neglected to do his reading for 70% of the seminars in my module, and so receives a participation mark of 30%. He also failed to attend 60% of the lectures, and handed in two essays late. I have asked him to attend a personal progress tutorial (a one to one meeting of 20 minutes). He has so far failed to respond to my email

Many of mine would be similar, but would also comments on things like spending lectures updating facebook, being asleep or arriving late or walking out in the middle because you decide you want a coffee ....

Upthechimney it is something I really think schools need to tackle not universities. It is not for everyone but many as you say are students not scholars. My ds is def one of those. I can't really limit money as I am telling myself he may surprise us and really take to it but I have seen nothing so far to suggest that,he didn't get one assignment in on time for his college work and his teacher said he is not a studier. I wouldn't want progress reports as I think its his call but if a student is failing drastically I think teh tolerance level before booting them out should be lower to save £ for everyone

I am convinced that a lot are there simply because 'it is the thing to do' and all their friends are doing it. Schools definitely push it as the next step when it is merely one of a choice of possible steps.
A lot are there because the parents chose it.
My nephew started last year and he was amazed at the number who simply didn't turn up for lectures. I know that my DSs knew some who simply didn't do the work, and if it was group work they heaved a sigh of relief if they got a reasonable group.
I think that parents ought to take stock first- if they have the sort of DC that they can't trust to do the work or can't cope with the pressures etc then it would be better to send to one where they can live at home, or have a year out or do something else entirely. Perhaps they just need to mature a bit first.

Totally agree although haven't been able to do it here!

This thread is the middle class equivalent of Sun, Sea and Suspicious Parents.

Very interesting.

I used to get very irritated at school by parents who were constantly complaining about one thing or the other in the playground and how they contacted the school re this that and the other. If my kids complained I used to say "that's the rules, get on with it" with 1500 pupils you are not going to agree all the time. (And that was a fee paying school)

My son starts uni in September he will just be 18. I haven't supervised his studies for years. He has to learn himself what to do. He is bright but not as clever as some of his peers but he does work hard. Had the school complained to me about his working ethic I would have stepped in but he has learned to sort out his work himself.

He even managed to get AAAB at higher 8 weeks after his dad died at home from a brain tumour so I think he will deal with uni ok.

It all comes down to letting your child become independent and encouraging but not pushing them too hard. I see a lot of uni students who have been pushed and pushed at home and when they get there they just collapse as the pressure is off and they can't do it themselves. (I see these as a GP)

The same "helicopter parents" are the ones who were shocked when I allowed my children to get the bus back from school or walk to the school gate and not met me in the playground. I haven't packed my kids bags for school for years. If they forget, tough they have to deal with it.

My daughter and I text/ phone/ FaceTime regularly and enjoy each others company.

I'm not saying I was perfect but the apron string unravelling has to starts early.

I could say 'snap' MusicalTheatreMum- it can't have been that bad because we still have plenty of contact and fun. You do have to start early and slowly. I am always astounded by posters on here who say 'I wouldn't let my DC do that' as if they are the good parent! (When it is a perfectly reasonable thing like a 10yr old boiling a kettle).

I think outtolunch has nailed it in a single sentence. In the good old days when we all had grants, paid no tuition fees, were allowed to SIGN ON to pay for accommodation etc ( 80s-90s) parents were really not that involved as there was no real financial outlay. Some of us received minimum grant, but I recall my parents contributed around £300 per term - in total. The fact that parents can be contacted to cough up really suggests that the students are still dependents and not really independent at all (in terms of finances etc) - as I said earlier, parents now feel they are 'buying something' whether we like it or not, that is what is happening, total cultural shift.

We all know Unis are chronically underfunded, and it wont be long before tuition fees are on the rise again. My academic husband pointed out, that 20 years ago, Unis were funded mainly by Central Government via Hefce, around 80%90% - now Unis are having to find the same percentage sum from other sources - this is a completely separate but critical debate - the whole backdrop of funding is informing the way Unis operate and exist. Horrible.

The amount of money demanded does probably contribute to the students not being independent. They really aren't as without parents they can't finish their studies and at teh end they mostly are back home and dependent again.

UptheChimney, yes I can see that a lot has changed, probably in both good and bad ways. Plus there was always a huge variation in any case.

I know I don't know nearly enough about North American universities, it's a bit scarey that so far all I really know is that it will be bloody expensive and that when things go wrong in the States they have the potential to be a great deal worse than back home. For example I might have worried as a parent in the UK about my child having a breakdown and not being supported, but at least I don't have to worry about extreme hazing or fellow students going postal and attempting or actually killing each other.

IlikeBirds makes a good point though, when faced with difficulties at university there are times when students may simply not feel very equipped to make the fuss that is required to fix things. Sometimes that's because parents haven't supported them to become independent, but sometimes it is just because when you are younger those in authority can cow you, and you've not yet the life experience to stand up for yourself.

I recall one of the bank managers in our town treating all the female students in quite an appalling way, really offensive sexist stuff. I planned to buy a house and my mother came up (on her only visit - independence being highly pushed in my family) to sort out the finances with me. We met with the manager and he was again appalling. My mother gave him what for, put in an official complaint and then we went to the bank next door and got everything sorted there instead. I doubt I would have had the confidence to do that.

I never had any big issues with university admin, but if I had I know at that age and stage of my life I wouldn't have found it at all easy to pull them up on important issues.

Upthechimney I really worry for your students. You sound so unapproachable.