My son's emigrating with his wife and our only grandchild

[janfran]

and I'm finding it really difficult to stop crying! I know I should celebrate his knew life and I am really proud of him - however I'm devastated. I'd love to hear from other Mums in the same situation.

At lunchtime today my DS and oldest child age 24 and his fiancee (seasoned traveller) caught the train to London they fly out to their new life in NZ on Tuesday 9th. Her family live there.
They arrived on monday with all their worldly goods, to pack their crates for shipping and do all the washing, banking, emails and endless phone calls. It seemed to take almost all their time.
DS only left the RAF 2 weeks ago he has done 2 tours of Afghanistan since Oct 2009. His first 3 month tour ended a week before Christmas 09 and he drove north through the thick falling snow to get home to us all and I will never ever forget the Bearhug I got when he came through the door.
2months later he met his GF....fast forward 18months and his longer 8 month tour of Afghanistan he returned from tour only in May...

I did not use any forum whilst he was in Afghanistan (I wish I had) I found this site about 2 hours ago and have read every single post on this thread.
My DH even found the box of Kleenex for me.

I wish I could invite you all over and offer you tea and my huge thanks for all the support I have gained from everything I have read so far.

I have felt so lonely about him going so so far away. All my friends children still seem to live at home or a mile away.

I have tried to be rational and normal this week but it's felt like a front line of emotion.

The post about the photo of family overseas in their dressing gowns had me snuffling away as there was almost a disagreement only this morning as to whether GF/fiancee felt my DS dressing gown (recently discovered in the attic and lovingly laundered) could be packed as she'd not seen him in it (I had to appear casually indifferent).... if it hadn't been packed I'd be crying into it now!!!!

I love the poem and am going to look for the book about the monk and think of all of you in this thread and your dear children who are independent and hope you all have a lovely bearhug in your hearts,
Thank you so much for reading this

Oh no Morin, thank you, for such a lovely post and your good wishes for all of us when you are going through so much just now. My heart goes out to you, you are one brave lady, you have been through so much already, I can?t even imagine what that must have been like, two tours of duty of Afghanistan, and now this.

You?re right, thank goodness for this thread, it does help with the isolation and loneliness, just knowing that you?re not alone and that others feel the same really helps. Like you, I don?t really know any other mums that I can talk to about it. I hope Janfran?s book about the monk helps you.

Btw, I?m the ?dressing gown? mum, I have that photo on my phone so every time I use it I see it and remind myself that they are smiling and they are happy.

I?ll be thinking of you tomorrow, I take it if they?ve already gone up to London, you?ve already said your goodbyes, so big hugs to you ((((((hugs))))))), and come on here, if not tomorrow, then when you?re ready, we?ll have that cup of tea, even if it?s ?virtual?. All the very best to you.

My uncle and aunt have 10 GCs; 2 live in Australia and 8 live in Chile.

They find it extremely difficult but are fortunate enough to be able to visit every 2 years. The Chilean setup is permanent and we're hoping Oz is only temporary. (Their 3rd uk-based child is gay so no chance of any more GCs over here!)

They rely on Skype all the time; it's all they can do. They've had to bite their tongues and show support for their DCs.

(They also end up being really generous to their great nephews and nieces who are still in this country!)

Eeeek be careful about planning to stay with your son for a month as grannieonabike suggests - recipe for destroying perfectly good relationship!

I live abroad and admittedly have never got on brilliantly with my mum, but we did OK - til she came to stay 3 weeks after my second child was born, and over stayed her welcome tbh (might have been different if she'd helped a bit with housework instead of apparently thinking she'd come to hold the baby every moment he wasn't feeding, and criticise my housework standards, friends and cooking while I waited on her and drove her around on demand...) - I don't think our relationship will ever recover, though we both act as if things are fine - I tried to talk to her about it but she has a selective memory and is convinced she was a great help...

just saw this thread when it popped up in Active Convos. My DM was in this situation when DSis emigrated fifteen years ago. She was heartbroken, and said that it felt like a bereavement, but one she wasn't allowed to grieve for because she was supposed to be happy for them. I felt for her, but must admit that I don't think she handled it well. She wouldn't say 'goodbye' to them on their last visit or see them off at the airport, has never been to Australia to visit as she said it would make it more painful for her, often refused to speak to my sister on the phone at Christmas as she said she found it too upsetting, and she wouldn't be consoled, always said that she would never seen the grandchildren again, that she'd die before they'd be likely to visit...

And now, fast forward to the present day - I have an Aussie nephew at university in UK, who constantly turns up at his grans with laundry and an Aussie niece who comes to visit her once a year and apparently always outstays her welcome, as DM phones me up complaining that they're always there! I could see her pain at the time my sister left, and I did empathize. But now when I say 'Well, you always said you thought you'd never see the grandchildren so at least you're seeing them' she gives me a very dark look followed by 'Can't you have them over at yours for a bit longer?' My sister's career wouldn't have reached the same level in the UK and her standard of living is incredible compared to ours, so I think she did the right thing, although it was really hard for mum. Those who say that they skype once a week and have regular visits I think are doing it the right way. It's a huge ask to have a child go so far away, but technology is amazing for bridging the gap. If a mum is strong enough to support such a big move and still stay involved, then she'll be treasured by her kids and grandkids however far away she is.

Auntielalla is absolutely right - we have to take some of the credit for helping our boys to be strong and independent. My middle son has lived in New York for 5 years after marrying his American wife and I really miss him - just found out they are having my first grandchild - will have to make sure I save up to be able to visit them couple of times a year. But I already know I won't have the same relationship with the baby as I have with my partners 2 year old grandson living round the corner whom I have seen nearly every day of his life, it will just be different and I have to accept it. Sadly one of our roles as a mother is never to make our children feel guily or anxious isn't it?
Thank goodness for skpe and aeroplanes!!

Having been the grandchild in a similar situation, albeit in a place and an era where we relied on letters rather than the phone (I am 53), I would support what a lot of people have said about how you can maintain excellent relationships with grandparents. As a family, we stayed with Mum's parents on long leaves, and my grandparents were our guardians when we came back to boarding school in the UK.

I recently had the chance to read my grandfather's dairy for the year in which I started university in the UK - parents still abroad at that time. I was amazed at just how often I and my sisters visited, from school and university. It didn't stop Grandad complaining about our flagrant use of his electric heaters though. We were raised in the tropics, and he turned the heating off if it was above freezing!

Looking back, it must have required a fair amount of mutual tolerance - when we stayed as a family, it was for several months. And I have to admit the relationship was better with my mother's parents than with my father's. But I think that reflected long standing tensions between Dad and his parents, more than the long distance lifestyle.

Now, I live in the UK but my two sisters live in the USA and Australia. My Mum had to cope with much loved grandchildren moving to Australia at a time when my father's health was failing and she found it very hard. But my sister and her husband have had opportunities there which would never have come their way in the UK. My neice gets married there later this year, and we are all hoping to make it to the wedding.

Mum moved last summer to live close to me and my family. It is the first time we have been able to see each other every week since I went to boarding school aged 11. It is taking some adjusting to, but we are all enjoying having her so close. She recently went to visit her brother in Canada, where he emigrated in the early 60s.

I guess there must be a very dominant 'itchy feet' gene in my family, but we do seem to manage to maintain the relationships long distance over very long periods of time!

I haven't been on here for a while, I hope everyone is well and coping. I just wanted to tell you, my sister-in-law lost her son in action in Afghanistan on Wednesday. He was the 418th British soldier to die out there. Today I am counting my blessings that, although so far away, at least I know my son in Canada, and my son in London too, are safe and well. My heart goes out to my sister-in-law, her worst nightmare has come true.