My son's emigrating with his wife and our only grandchild

[janfran]

and I'm finding it really difficult to stop crying! I know I should celebrate his knew life and I am really proud of him - however I'm devastated. I'd love to hear from other Mums in the same situation.

You are right, janfran. Also, by keeping busy and filling your life with interesting things, your kids won't worry so much about you having an empty life when they're not around.

You sound like a very positive person. Good luck.

So it's been a while now since I've known about the impending move and I definitely feel a bit better. I do need to have a good sob from time to time but generally I am more positive - all the messages above do sink in. At first I wasn't able to accept them but now I can see what people have been trying to say. It really is great to have people share this with. somebody said that 'I would get used to it' and you know I will - it will be a different kind of life with them but I will get used to it - my dil is great and wants this to work. How are things with you Auntielalla? Have they left yet? How did the party go?

Hi Janfran, my son went last Thursday. Has your son gone yet? How are you doing? Please don't feel alone, I know how hard it is x

Janfran, I had posted the above before I realised there was a page 2! So now I have read your latest posts and it's great to see that you are coping so well and being positive. What good ideas you have. I shall try to take a leaf out of your book.

The party was a small family dinner in the end, we decided to keep it to close family. Grandparents, brother, aunt and a couple of his best childhood friends. It was nice and cosy, I wanted his last night to be happy and (apart from me sobbing in the loo secretly, I hope, and Mum holding my hand under the table), I think it was. We have some great photos.

The airport was tough but I put on my biggest smile and hugged them, different story as soon as they were out of sight of course.

Thank goodness we have the technology we have today, that's got to make it easier for us hasn't it? And we've got visits to look forward to. We've been in touch by email and that helps.

When does your son go? Let us know how you're doing won't you, I think you're doing marvellously, but if you have any difficult moments, just come on here and talk, yes?

Auntielalla - just spoken to my son as he told me excitedly about his visa interview on 4th Jan and his flight likely to be on 14th Jan. After call I thought of you and how knowing someone else going through this incredibly helpful. In fact I imagined you as being really strong and positive and that really helped.

I can imagine the airport was difficult, really difficult - have you got a date to go out there - what great fun that will be. And you know, they are there own people and we must celebrate that, how proud we must be of their 'pioneering spirtit' they wouldn't be our sons if they live in a semi at the end of the road!!!
Keep feeding me lots of positivity for the next 6 weeks I'm going to need it!!!!

Hi Janfran, you're doing just great :), you are so right we can be proud of our boys, they are strong and brave.

Yes, we've booked our flights, 14th June, I can't wait, it's certainly something to get us through the winter months, planning our visit. Will you be able to visit your son, or will he be able to come over to visit you?

How have you found other people's reactions to your news? People I've told have mainly said things like "oh how wonderful", "how exciting for them", makes you feel a bit better doesn't it?

Enjoy the next 6 weeks the best you can, even if you have to smile through misty eyes sometimes. Just come on here if you need support. And thank you for your kind words, but you've helped me more than you know.

Visa interview today! Other people's reactions are great when they're positive and the conversation immediately moves into all the opportunities they will have. There are some though that go into 'how sad' 'not long now' which are not helpful - in fact i have had to speak to a couple of relatives to ask them to be more upbeat and not engage in the 'sadness of it all'!!
Do you feel a bit better now he's actually gone - is the waiting almost worse! Reading a good book just now called Happier (what else!) by Tal Ben-Shahar who's teaches a class on this at Harvard. Some really interesting things about life and well being and ways you can be happier about what your life throws at you. It's a 'dip-in' kinda book so good for those 'dips' when you feel a bit down about it all.

So, not so good ......bad evening.....thinking too much...all the +ve stuff not getting through the -ve stuff.....

janfran, I'm so sorry I've only just seen this. I know where you are, it's horrible isn't it, but I hope you are feeling a bit better now. What I have found is, it's great to be positive and upbeat, but there are some days when you just can't do it. When I've had those days, I've learned to just give in and roll with it. Be kind to yourself, have a good bawl, make yourself a cup of tea. And then pick yourself up, put your best smile on, "onwards and upwards" as they say! You're dealing with some pretty powerful emotions just now, it's all completely natural, and whilst it's good to be strong, sometimes you have to allow those feelings.
Yes, I think I do feel a bit better now. My son's g/f's mum emailed me a photo of them wearing the new dressing gowns I sent them. They were smiling and looked so happy in the photo, and that made me happy. I think seeing them looking so happy together has given me peace of mind. That helps so much because if we know they are happy, we can be too.
So, for now, stick that kettle on, and here's a big hug for you ((((:)))))
And I've realised reading this back, how much I'm using the past tense when talking about bad days and feeling upset. See? I'm getting there, and you will too :)

Thank you so much - that was a great post - made me feel much better - do you use skype - it's brilliant - and it's free and easy

I just googled because I've been in tears on and off all day, too, and found this, just the right subject. My son went travelling 3 years and 4 months ago now to Australia, met his now fiancee there and hasn't been back all this time, now they are getting married in February. And I hate it.

He's my only son, the GF seems fine except that they all seem to like their booze too much, he seems happy, but I hate this situation, him not having been back to touch base where he comes from, her not having seen us or where he comes from either, it doesn't seem right, illusive and unreal somehow, and I miss him like crazy, we've always been pretty close but now he is making me feel guilty all the time, that I can't just drop everything and see them or be there for the wedding. I just don't have the cash to go so easily, my husband (his stepdad)and I run our own small business and am struggling, just the idea of taking sufficient time off is a nightmare, if we both went the cat would have to go in the cattery all this time, and I never even fancied Australia that much!! Yes, maybe it's a great country, but it is so far from other countries, too, here we can travel to other European countries or even America fairly easily, but Australia, good grief.

I had my 50th birthday this year and he couldn't share it, my own parents, his grandparents are both in the endstages of various cancers right now, and they have missed out on him, he is just not there, neither for the good nor the bad, and today I am really really struggling with it all. And the idea of missing out on my only future grandchildren, too, well, more tears...Like others in the above thread I go through really ok days, I think, well at least he is not a soldier in Afghanistan or in prison or dead, he is chosing a path that makes him happy, but I feel a limb has been torn off me and it's not healing at all, it's horrible, I hate it, and often I am so angry with him and with the girl as well, I am ashamed to admit it, but there you are, I am. We do skype sometimes, but he said he has to pay for the bandwidth and the video option cost him $40 last time, he's decided to retrain as a carpenter (he's 29 and got a sound engineering degree) his GF is training as a nurse, they both work hard and have no money and live in her parents holiday chalet by the beach. God, it's so frustrating, all of it.

Anyone else who has travelled to Australia, how did you cope with the jetlag and how long did you stay, how long did it take you to recover coming back and did it make it all worse leaving them back there? I'm in a bit of a mess today... thank you for listening...

Oh 50now - I so understand how you are feeling. I know what you mean about it being like losing a limb, and no matter sometimes how much you think about all the positives the sadness just sweeps over you. Auntielalla gave me some good advice - just have a wail from time to time - give into your sorrow and then pick your self up again - and come on here and share it - it has really helped me to know there are others in the same (ish) situation. If at all possible I think you should go to the wedding - I appreciate it will be a major sacrifice but you'll be so sad if you don't go and maybe you could start to build a 'new' relationship with him and the love of his life.
Keep sharing.....

janfran,hi,my dh desperately wants to move to quebec...it looks fantastic,and i know we'd all have a better quality of life.but,i can't leave my beloved mum.she says i can't live my life for her,but i know sh'd be devastated if we left as she dots on my 3 little ones,6 months,2 and 4.i've told my dh if mum will move with us i'll go like a shot.but i dont think she will.wouldn't you move with yoiur son?

Janfran you have my sympathies. I'm sure you must feel very sad but I bet it will be better than you think.

My husband and I and our children moved to New York a couple of years ago. Previously we saw the in-laws for lunch every 2 or 3 weeks. Now we go back for 2 weeks at Christmas and stay with them for about a week each (in theory anyway although THE BLOODY SNOW may spoil our plans this year). And we go back for a good chunk of time in the summer and stay with them for a week or two each. The grandparents have also been out to stay with us twice each.

Honestly I think in terms of good quality time that they have with the children, there isn't much difference from when we were living an hour away. They are all still really, really close. So you may see them less frequently, but you are not going to lose them.

Oh gosh jan that poem made me cry and DS is nowhere near married - he's 2!

I'm sorry, I haven't been in your situation but I remember being absolutely devestated when at 15 my Dad told me and my sister that he was emigrating with my stepmother and half siblings, I couldn't be positive about it at all, I was just gutted. It didn't happen in the end, though not because of that.

(dotes)

Today, after a long Christmas holiday together DS,dinlaw and baby grandaughter emigrated. Have had gteat conversations and feel really good about what they are doing but it is so, so hard.... cried myself to sleep before they left and found the airport just torture. Can't really speak to people/family without getting upset. Even resorted to a couple of diazepam - didn't seem to make much diference! IT WILL GET BETTER and I appreciate all your posts. It seems a solution to go with them but my life is here, I have other children and family as well as work, so I will make the very best of it.

Hello Janfran, I'm so sorry I wasn't around when your DS emigrated, oh the airport, I feel for you, I still can't think about that ...... but you are doing great, you sound so positive.

I have a confession to make, this is the first time I have felt I could post on here for a while. Christmas, our first ever without DS, was awful and I didn't want to come on here and bring the mood down. It was worse than I anticipated, and after all my positive talk too! We just missed them so much, DS and his lovely GF, we talked to them on the phone Christmas Day (Oscar-worthy cheerfulness on our part) but later DS emailed saying he was homesick, which upset us even more.I think spending the day with GF's large family made him miss home more.

But .... all is well now, DS is alright again, which is a relief, if I know he's OK, I can cope, so I am back on track. I feel like I've got over a hurdle, Christmas was what I was dreading, and now it's January I can start looking forward to our visit in June. Meanwhile, like you say, we have to make the best of it. It could be worse. I feel so guilty when I think about mums with boys in Afghanistan, what they must go through every single day.

Keep strong Janfran, you are right, it does get better. Our boys have gone out into the world to make their lives and we're proud of them :)

hiya im new to mumsnet, but noticed this thread. my son went to work in the summer camps in 2001 in usa and met his now wife , it was one of the hardest things ever him moving over to live there, but i have been over several times first time for the wedding which was amazing and then a few holidays, also spent xmas and new yr there a few years ago and also xmas 2009 when i went over to see my very first (and onlygrandchild) jamie who is now one, they have just spent his 2nd xmas over here with us which was brilliant and we are all going over for a family holiday in july. i hate having to leave them but having said that they are very happy both in good jobs and my grandson is a very well loved child, i even went snowboarding down mount hood a few xmas's ago which at 51 was no mean feat :)we also have skype and speak every weekend as they work and theres an 8 hour time difference, but i couldnt be more happy for them , it does get easier in time :)

Auntielalla - hearing your DS is homesick must be torture! You must want to say 'come home to me!' It is really important that they are happy it's bad enough then! And you must come on here for a moan too! We'll enjoy the good bits even more
binx14 - great post, you sound as though you have really accepted the way things have worked out - thank you so much for sharing - we need your moral support

hi janfran,thanks for the reply :)....i guess im pretty lucky ,i think it would of been harder if my grandson had been born in the uk and then moved over, also i still have two more sons with me 24 and 25 the latter courting strongly now and a daughter 14 so i am always well occupied and we all travel over together :) but i sometimes wish they were here so i could see my gorgeous growing up .
the airport leaving is always a bad time :(
but like i said it gets easier :)

that should of read see my gorgeous grandson growing up :)

Janfran - how are you doing now? Hope you're OK. I'm still doing well after my Christmas hiccup, onwards and upwards. Something you said reminded me of an old saying, "if we don't have bad times, we don't appreciate good times". And Binx14's post sure made us realise the good times :). Will you be visiting your son? I hope you can, just think how lovely that would be :).
Binx14 - enjoyed your post, great to hear of how you've come to terms, and lovely to hear of you and your family's trips. Truly inspirational.That's what I'm looking forward to now, the trips. Though I'm not sure about snowboarding, that knocks the socks off my helicopter ride over Manhattan when I was 51, I thought that was brave, but snowboarding - wow!

Hi - has anybody read 'the monk who sold his Ferrari' by Robin Sharma? It's really helping me. And, do you know - this situation certainly makes you think about what life is about and what is important. It stops you taking things for granted and makes you appreciate the good times. Already we have done things that we wouldn't have if DS had stayed. He has sown seeds of opportunity for me and all the family - just as Binx14 described. But to stay positve you need to work at it. The book above talks about negative thoughts being like a virus - and I've certainly experienced that! Now I have a technique for thoughts about the situation that are negative which brings me back to a more positive place. It's made an amazing difference.

Thank goodness I have found this Forum!I have been looking for one for ages.
My youngest son has been offered a job and goes to New Zealand for 2 years in April.He will likely be staying!
My daughter,son in law and 2 Grandkids,15 & 12 have also been accepted for New Zealand and emigrate roughly June time.
While I am very proud of them all and want their happiness,I feel almost bereaved at times and sick.
I have a really good howl over the fields when i take my dog out and then feel ok and seem to feel more positive!
I am getting Skype etc.
All the comments on this board are just how I have been feeling.
For years,it has always been just myself and my kids.my son in law is fantastic,so I have no worries there,it is just learning to cope with missing them.My youngest son will be going backwards and forwards with his job,so it probably won't be too bad.I have an older son who lives locally.
Just being able to share my feelings on this board is great and i feel better already!