My son's emigrating with his wife and our only grandchild

[janfran]

and I'm finding it really difficult to stop crying! I know I should celebrate his knew life and I am really proud of him - however I'm devastated. I'd love to hear from other Mums in the same situation.

All I can say to the people on this thread is 'Get a Life'

Stop living through your children.

Children grow up and leave home. Live with it.

No wonder this country is in a mess.

I really admire you, Janfran and Auntielalla, and the other posters. What a positive, supportive thread.

Did you know you can contact eachother if you have a wobbly moment? It saddened me that Janfran came on here but wasn't answered. I think you can send individual emails to other posters by clicking on Message poster, but I haven't tried it.

Rimpiat, this country isn't in a mess because people love their children! I have 4 kids and I don't know if you've experienced the loss of kids leaving home, if you have then you must be tougher than everyone else on here. No-one is saying that the kids can't go, they're not living their lives through their kids but when you give birth to a child, that bond is for life. Of course you want the best for them, you know they have to leave but IMHO it isn't easy.

I don't think your post was particularly helpful

Janfran - thank you for your post about the book - I love what you said about bringing negative situations back to a positive place. Putting that into practice - I have started my shopping list for our trip. Well, I've got an excuse to buy some new clothes!

Pete60 - I'm so glad you found this board and that you are finding it helpful. It takes a lot of adjusting to, doesn't it, and you've got a double helping to cope with! It really helps to find other people who feel the same doesn't it? There will always be support here, everyone is friendly and helpful.

And hello to all the other lovely people on here who are so helpful and supportive

My DH was offered a job in another country some years ago. In the end, we made the decision to stay in the UK for DDs schooling and way of life. The job was in a restrictive country so DDs and I couldn't have gone out on our own even just for a walkabout. Talking with my mum some years later, she told me it was very hard to keep positive and smiley through the discussions, but if we'd decided to go abroad, she'd still be happy for us and wish us well.

Best wishes to all grannies, at home and abroad.

Pete60 - I totally understand you when you describe your feelings like a bereavment - it sounds melodramatic but at first that is exactly what it feels like and you absolutely MUST have a good 'wallow'! you deserve that at least. I did too and I pretty sure we all feel like a good cry. Couple of things I've learnt - the stuff I posted earlier about positive thinking - that book really helped and do not let others 'console' you! they invariably get you sadder! Read the post by Bink14 it is very upbeat and uplifting. Your son and daughter are sowing seeds of opportunity for you - you will do things you never dreamt of because they are grasping this opportunity. keep chatting - just don't let the keyboard get wet with your tears!!!

rimpiat - your post made me laugh! My sister said to me that you bring your children up to be independent people wanting to embrace the world and push the fronteirs but really you just want to keep them in the cellar where they will be safe! So, yes, your absolutely right! we shouldn't live through our children but that dosen't stop our hearts breaking when they move so far away.

rimpiat-I really feel that you haven't read all the posts properly.
I am not a "clingy" mum and I have "a life" apart from my kids and grandchildren also!
Nevertheless however much I understand their reasons for emigrating and however many people mumble the same old platitudes of "this country is going down the drain","What is there here for your grandchildren" ,it will give you something to save up for,"free holidays"etc. I am sure,if I was in their shoes,i would also think along emigration lines.My youngest son has been offered a job as opposed to the emigration route.The point I am making is that their going will leave a big hole in my heart BECAUSE we are a close family.I have never "lived through my kids/grandkids" and am proud that as a single parent I bought them up to feel that they can strike out on their own,but when you love anyone,is it hard to say goodbye.Yes I now have Skype which will be great but will never replace those hugs!
I think every now and then,things will fall out of perspective and the ache will be more acute but in no way would I not encourage their dreams either.

Oh goodness,I just googled ''emigration,devastated'' and the computer directed me here.How utterly heartrending these posts are.
My adult son is currently living at home, but of course is desperate to get a home of his own, and he sees emigration the way forward, esp as ''this country is going to the dogs'',and he is on a lower wage than he would be abroad. His British g.f also wants to emigrate as she has a 'difficult' relationship with her mum[ she also lives at home.]
In '97 they went for a 'year out' in Canada and N.Z, and I put on a ''happy face'' as I knew it would be only for a few months, and my DS 'phoned me regularly,which was lovely, BUT the thought of losing them to Australia/Canada is gutwrenching.
Maybe for us single parents it's harder,and of course the Mothers whose Brave Sons and Daughters are in Afghanistan must be going through daily anxiety,so I should consider myself lucky, but the ''E'' word chills my heart,and reading these posts from the selfless mums and dads who have faced their beloveds leaving makes me weep for them.
When our children are small, we can never envisage their leaving,and when my son was a baby/toddler, older and wiser mums would say ''enjoy him while you can''~ I had no idea what they meant, but I do now.

I completely feel for all of you whose DC's are emigrating.

I emigrated to Australia in 2003 with my DS who was 5 at the time. He was my Mum's only grandchild and I was a single parent and wanted to start a new life for us both. I came back last year. I hated being away from my Mum and being away from my home country (whatever anyone wants to say about it, it is home). My DS who is now 13yo is really happy to back too. My Mum came over every year to visit with us and never made me feel bad and could completely understand why I had gone but that didn't stop it from breaking her heart. While I was over there I was diagnosed with cancer had to have two surgeries and two lots of very draining treatment. Mum came over for extended periods to look after us both but the fight was done alone and away from family. I made some friends but it wasn't the same as being here. If anyone would like to talk to my Mum (she's not on here yet) then please do PM me and I'll get her to get in touch on here through PM (get her to join first obviously). The grass isn't always greener on the other side. This is just my experience obviously but it's good to have a range of opinions. Oh and btw I am now in a wonderful relationship....

...23 weeks pregnant with my second child and my Mum's second grandchild and she is over the moon we are back

I don't really know what to say to that last post. No-one has really expressed the idea that they want their sons/daughters to come back. I think it's been more about coping with them going/gone. I think its great that LibraPoopyGirl has made the decision to return to her Mum but I wouldn't want my son and DIL to make decisions for my sake. Mmm....

This is such a lovely thread, so much support and assistance.

I just wanted to tell you what it is like from the other side of the fence.

I moved to Germany when I was 19yo to work as an aupair for a year. I met my husband (on the first day in Germany!) and stayed. We were together for 5 years before getting married in 1997. In 2002 we had a daughter, in 2004 a son.

Over the years my parents have always been there for us. It has become easier as time went on, and as technology and cheap flights meant that we could see each other and talk more often.

When I first moved, we would phone once a week, I would visit Scotland once a year, they would come to Germany once a year.

We now skype occasionally, we phone at least once a week, we see each other several times a year. It got easier when my parents retired as they were able to come and see us.

My children are now 8yo and 6yo and they have such a close relationship with my parents. Believe me when I say that distance is no barrier to love. When my parents arrive here in Switzerland, and my children run into their arms, delighted to see their grandparents again, I am comforted.

It would be lovely if we were to live closer but we are lucky that despite the distance, our children have a special bond with their grandparents.

Great post Mme Lindt. A little off topic but from the other side, I've really struggled with the guilt of moving my DS away from his GPs, who he adored. It's reassuring to think that in the long term, distance doesn't have to be a barrier to their relationship.

that's me being off topic, not you!

Your both on topic! Anything that helps us all understand and learn from one another is on topic! and these posts really make you think about what makes a good relationship -you can live in the same street and not be as close as 2 people who live continents apart. But I do think you have to work at it and its more difficult if we are thousands of miles apart. There should be no guilt attached to what you did scroobiouspip - you did what you thought you had to do for the benefit of your family. Maybe others made you feel that way....

Thank you janfran. Yes, that's probably part of it. I don't want to paint too negative a picture though - my DS is growing into a beautiful fit suntanned toddler, at the beach most days and - most importantly - very happy.

I know we love the extended holidays when my parents come to visit - I hope you're able to arrange something similar.

Hi janfran thanks for the reply. I don't want to give the impression that I came back for my Mum or that she ever put any pressure on me to come back because that really is not the case.

I guess I just wanted to give the other side too. I was just trying to say that sometimes it can be really hard going for those that actually do the moving away too. It's a hard situation all round really.

BUT my experience as far as the relationship between my DS and my Mum while we were away is the same as MmeLindt. My DS adored his Nan at 5 when we left and the distance did not alter that in any way whatsoever. He still worships her now and he's 13!! It's funny too as Mum has saved voicemail messages that DS left for her a few times and he sounds so young (it makes us giggle) but he is full of beans and telling how much he loves her and was just ringing to see how she was. It really is lovely.

Lastly, I was also posting to say that Mum would be able to give a good perspective on what it was like because she has been through it and knows what you are all going through now. She's a great Mum and a brilliant Nan and she'd be happy to listen and give any tips in anyway she can.

My thoughts are with you all because it's a hard road to travel but it can be done xx

Hi janee7 here, i am so glad to have found this site as I can sympathise with you all.
My son and his girlfriend went to Sydney in 2002 and I missed him so much. Then 2009 my daughter said she and her partner were moving to Sydney, I thought my heart would break, no tears in front of her but lots
on my own.
Since 2004 I have went out every February for 3 weeks but it is getting so expensive and my husband is not working now so it is harder financially.
Came back last Thursday, for last 2 mornings wide awake at 3am so hoping dont fall asleep at desk on Monday when go back work.
Have just had lovely 3 weeks with the kids and for my birthday they took me to Palm Beach where they film Home and Away it was beautiful.
Now it's my really sad time as not sure when will get back, so good to hear from others in same position.

janee7 - oh that is all very hard for you...unbelievably brave not to cry in front of them - I never manage that, although I am getting better (see my post earlier about the book 'the monk who sold his ferrari' it really helped me. do you have other children here? Do you Skype? Do you think they will settle there? Of course you HAVE to go out every February - it's the law! Make it happen! What can you sell? do? to raise the money? Would you consider emoigrating?

janee7 - hi, I'm glad that you had a lovely time with your family, you must have brought back some fabulous memories to treasure. I can imagine how hard it is for you coming back though, especially not knowing when you'll be able to get back there again.

It sounds like your son and daughter and their respective partners are settled and happy? It helps doesn't it, as long as we know they are happy.

We are going out to Canada to visit our son and his girlfriend in a couple of months' time, I cannot wait but even now, already, I am worrying about coming back because, like you, I am finding it is so dreadfully expensive, and can't imagine how long before we can afford to do it again.

I guess the best thing we can all do is to make the most of our visits with them when we can, like you just did, and take comfort from knowing that they are happy, and cherish and re-live the wonderful memories of our visits with them.

Janfran - hi there, how are you, you sound good, I hope you are still doing well. It's hard isn't it, but we are coping .

Janfran, good luck. You sound like a lovely grandmother, and I hope you're able to use Skype etc. to keep building the relationship with your GCs. My DSs are only 1 and 3, and the Heaney poem made me cry! Maybe try things like writing a weekly postcard / short letter to each grandchild? My mother (who doesn't live so far away) does that, and my DS1 absolutely loves receiving them. I also remember, when I was at university, my grandmother used to write me a weekly letter. I still have a lot of them, though she's been dead nearly 20 years now, and they mean a lot to me. Obviously there's e-mail too now, but something special about receiving something in the post.

Thanks Janfran and auntielalla for your messages. Jet lag has passed now thank goodness sleep is back to normal. Just looked at flights for next year and up £618 which I think is ridiculous but not much can do about it, there's always the lottery. Hope you have a lovely trip to Canada auntielalla, my sister lives in Toronto and have visited a few times, but that had to stop when kids went to Oz. I have a daughter in London who I maybe see twice a year but no grandchildren, think it would be harder leaving them if they were in Oz. Think I will make it law Janfran maybe have to sell a kidney or something if flights keep going up so much lol. I told them that I wish I could sit on a text which gets there in seconds, would be good. I am glad they are happy as this country is in a mess. Anyway that's life and there are worst things.
It is good to know not on my own and others in same position.

janee7 - we should remember this when we all return from our first visits to our sons/daughters - this might be a real down time - but i can see that we will get over it. Wolfhound - great ideas....although...has anyone else had problems with the mail from UK to America??? Seems to take weeks and weeks to get there.....any advice, experience to share....?

Auntielalla cant believe that its only weeks till you go.....

There is a Dutch support site for family who stay behind when people emigrate, and it even has a dedicated grandparent section: ikblijfachter.nl/

I don't know if there are any English ones unfortunately.

I'm the one who emigrated and who is raiding grandchild alone. I was wrecked with guilt, which didn't really disappear until my brother had his first child (and raising it now in the same village as where my parents live!). My tip is to stay in touch through internet/pictures, create your own traditions and try not to make it too much of a drama. Rather than all sides feeling guilty, enjoy the time you can spend together and accept the situation for what it is.