My son's emigrating with his wife and our only grandchild

[janfran]

and I'm finding it really difficult to stop crying! I know I should celebrate his knew life and I am really proud of him - however I'm devastated. I'd love to hear from other Mums in the same situation.

*raising, not raiding!

Auntielalla and Janfran ~ I have 43 days before I have to wave goodbye to my 25 year old son as he immigrates to join his Canadian wife in Canada. They have been together for 4 years although most of that has been in a long distance relationship and married for 6 months and apart for those 6 months while he has been waiting for his paper work to come through to allow him to join her. They are very deeply in love and she has a great job in Canada and prospects for him are much better there than here I know it's the right thing for him and I am delighted for him but a little bit of my world has caved in and things will never be the same again, and I know that's the order of things but it doesn't make it any easier. I also feel for our daughter who has been constantly on her older brothers coat tails from she was a babe in arms. He has just got three new sisters through marriage who are very close to my DIL and I know my daughter is hurting each time they talk about their 'brother' on face book. While I am head smart at what I need to do my heart is just breaking and I too should have shares in Kleenex! My mind races to what happens when grandchildren come along I so wanted to give up my little job to look after them like my mother did for me. I so wanted to have the type of relationship with any futher grandchildren that my mum has with my son. My husband keeps telling me to slow down and stop playing scenarios over in my head and to stop being so down on everything. Friends remind me of the lovely holiday destination I have to go to each year but I think of how her mum will get to see them every week and how when I do visit them or them us we get to go through the heartache of saying goodbye over and over and over again (and I am off again for more kleenex!!) ~ thanks guys for the opportunity to spill I am off now to splash my face and reapply the makeup paint on a smile to fool the world. x

Aw, JennyWren, my heart goes out to you. You came to the right place though, this is where you can, as you say "spill", get it off your chest. Our stories are so similar. You are right, we should have shares in Kleenex, and Oscars for our acting ability! We put such a brave face on for our families and friends don't we?

I know what you mean about how your dil's mum will see them all the time, and that's hard for us to bear, but take comfort from this - when you do see your son and dil you will have quality time together. You and hubby will always be his mum and dad, no-one can replace you. I felt a bit wretched on Christmas Day when I phoned my son and they had a huge family gathering at dil's mother's house, and they were all excited and happy. But you know what, my son emailed me later on that night to say it had all just made him feel homesick and he missed us so much (which broke my heart btw - I would rather think he was happy with the "other" family than upset), so even though I know he is with his "other" family now, I know we, his mum and dad, are in his heart.

We are going to Canada 11 weeks today, and I cannot wait to see him, but at the same time I am thinking that 13 weeks today we will be saying goodbye again. But we will make the absolute best of every moment with son and dil, that's all we can do isn't it, just be glad for them and enjoy whatever time we can get with them.

I hope you will be able to visit your son, or he visit you. You (and he) will cherish and love every minute, your young daughter too, her times with her big brother will be all the more special now.

Make the most of this time before your son goes, well you don't need me to tell you that I'm sure, but I know it's tough, so stock up on the Kleenex and the waterproof mascara, and you just come on here any time, there will be support here, all the ladies here are so lovely aren't they? x

Gosh, what lovely grandmas you all are. ANother one from the other side of the fence here - though not quite the same.
I came to Poland as an 18-yo on my Gap year between school and university, and immediately fell in love with the place. I nearly didn't come, as my parents were in the middle of splitting up at the time and I was worried about my mum, but everyone (including her) told me that I should carry on, that this is my life. I admit, I was afraid a chance would pass me by, so I did come. And stayed. I returned to the UK for university, a year delayed, but my heart wasn't there, and I returned to Poland after my degree. Now I'm married to a Pole and have 2 kids, my life is here.
[...get to the point, woman...]
What I really want above all to say is that your relationship with your grandkids doesn't depend on where you are but what you're like. If you love them and show it, build bonds by letter, skype, photos, video links, pictures, and by spending time when you can, you will have a wonderful relationship. My Mum has never lived near us, the most she ever sees my girls is 3-4 times a year (though I know PL is closer than Aus or the US, in that much we are very lucky). But my kids adore her, always have. Both of them did their first smiles for her. When she is here I might as well not exist. She is able to spend such beautiful time with them, does all the things I never have time for, or find boring. She is a fantastic Grandma. My ILs live less than an hour away, my girls see them at least once every 3weeks or so, but they don't like going there, they are bored. No one has time for them. There is a computer where they can watch films, they get plied with chocolate and sweets (which they don't get so much of at home ) but we have to drag them there...
Mum retired at the beginning of this year and she has hatched a cunning plan: tomorrow she comes out here for 3 months. She has rented a bedsit in town, so she can have her own life, she has enrolled on a Polish course, but she will be on hand and I'm guessing we'll see each other a good couple of times a week. Living is cheaper here and so the costs should even out when she adds the plane fare in. If she likes it I suppose there would be nothing to stop her doing this every year. Maybe an idea?

I'm full of admiration from my mum for surviving what I put her through, but you don't get it until you're a mum yourself, do you?

jenny wren - auntielalla's advice is all good! And I think Ciske has some really good advice too. My son emigrated in January of this year and I'm actually sending this from their home in America where I am visiting with them for the first time since he left. I felt exactly as you do _ totally devastated, thinking about all the things I would miss and found it heartbreaking to think of his relationship with his brothers changing....so I understand how you feel about his sister. I find it hard to think about the relationship my son has with his mum and dad-in-law....
It seems hard but you have to concentrate on what you have...not what you haven't got - stop making assumptions about how you thought your life would work out and look for what you have got and what you will have - I know friends without children and I know they would swop places with me in a heartbeat.
Skype IS amazing and writing letters, e-mail, Path ( a picture sharing site) there are so many ways to keep in touch and stay close - I prob speak more to my son who is away than I do to my son who lives close by.
I'm in a different place now, I am very happy for them and i am going to have a great relationship with my son, daughter-in-law and grand daughter - am not sure he would have been the sam guy if he was living down the road - and anyway, whoever said he would ever have done that anyway!
Keep sharing - it is so good to hear from you and to help you through this.
Will check out the Dutch site - thanks Ciske
PS - sometimes I just have a good cry too!

I know this isn't going to seem like much but I'd like to offer some comforting words. My MIL has said she sees more of our children than the others that live in the country, just because when one does visit it's for such a long time, and you stay over, and so on. It's not the same, I know. But it hasn't damaged my children's relationship with their grandparents at all. In fact they attach a very strong importance to family, and haven't done that thing of moving away emotionally as they age into teenagers. They adore their grandparents. Their grandparents have been a vital element of stability and "home". We always visit them, never the other way round. But I can imagine how painful it is.

t read the post from 'abeautifulbutterfly' and what a lovely post it is...and all so helpful and encouraging.....

Janfran-a really helpful post that you made on the 5th of April about concentrating on what we have not what we haven't.That is so right!

My youngest is now on his way to his new life on South Island, New Zealand.Has texted and Skyped and making sure that I know he is ok.
That is all i ask,that I know!

My daughter,son in law and grandkids will be off ,also to New Zealand but North island a bit sooner than they thought as have sold their cottage.
I was ok but now am beginning to feel "wobbly" again.
In fact,I am finding it hard to see them now which is a bit strange,as I would have thought that I would want to see as much of them as I could!
Has anyone else experienced the same?
Maybe I am scared that by seeing them(they live a few miles away) that it will make it more real.And that I will have to face it-like the sold sign outside their cottage!

Janfran - I'm so happy you are over there visiting, it must be wonderful :) Hope you are having a fab time, I'm sure you are.

Pete60 - Hi Janfran is still in America I think, so I hope you don't mind me saying "hi" and wishing you all the best - I do know what you mean about finding it hard to see them, I was a bit funny like that before my son went. And, after he went, and we were staying in contact by email, which I love, but people kept trying to push me into using the webcam and I felt a bit stupid, but I really couldn't face that. I couldn't explain it, maybe I thought that if we could see each other face to face I wouldn't be able to "hide" my emotions. I'm not sure. All I know is I just didn't want to "see" him face to face with the webcam, I felt it would be too much. But I'm coming around to the idea now.

In fact, all round, I think I'm starting to "normalise" if that's the word - it's nearly 5 months since our son emigrated. It takes some getting your head round doesn't it? But it is starting to feel normal, I think I was a bit in shock for a while, takes me a while to get my brain cells to process things lol. I do a pros and cons list. Pros - he will have a better future, his girlfriend is happier now she's home so he is happier, we have a great place to visit them. Cons - you know what? I'm going to take Janfran's advice and not go there. She's right, we should think about what we have.

All best wishes to you Pete60 and your family with their moves x

Auntielalla,thanks for your kind words,I really thought that i was "losing the plot"!
I don't mean that I am glad that you feel similar thoughts as me,more that I am not alone in my thinking.
I suppose we must expect all these emotions to surface now and again.
My daughter thinks that I am not happy for them but of course I am,as I love them and therefore I want their happiness but I don't understand what I am "expected " to feel .
I try and sound enthusiastic about it all for them.
Yes,I have done the pros and cons list and of course it is right for them but I just think they under-estimate how much we love them and I don't mean that I am in any way a "clingy" mum at all,we are all independent,it is the finality of it that is the hard part.
Yes,there is e mail and Skype (I find it hard to relax and not feel stilted with Skype), but it is the knowledge that actually,I won't be seeing them more than a few times again,unless I have a very large lottery win!
Yes,I do hope that JanFran is enjoying her visit,this site really does help us mums unburden ourselves.

Hi everybody - back from the visit and just need to get my head around all the emotions I feel.....and I realise that for everyone the situation may seem the same but we all have different relationships with our sons and daughters and sons and daughters in law......
will post later on how I feel.....mostly good......

Pete60 - keep posting - you will need to be really strong....but it will get better. Interesting you say you're not sure what you are 'expected' to feel - I recognise that feeling - it can be very confusing and upsetting ....

Well,youngest son is now in N.Z. and had a lovely Skype session with him this morning.he was brimming over with excitement for his new job and the set up and kindness of his new employers and is really settling in well.He is very matter of fact about earthquakes and is just outside the "zone".The main thing is that I felt so happy after chatting to him and having a laugh etc with him, and also that i could "Google Earth "his new address and see where he is!
Next will be my daughter,son in law and grandkids ,which will be within the next few months.
I feel it will be easier once they are there to be honest and as a neighbour said to me when i said that i was trying to be supportive but have been told that I come over as sounding negative,,"Where and when do you get your support,isn't it all a bit one sided?".
I suppose that is true.Us mums put on these bright expressions and murmur the same old platitudes of,they have their own lives,and so much better for them but will it be so?
I do so hope so.

pete60 - i understand and feel or have felt everything you describe. Since I came back from visiting my son, dil and gd I've had several dips .... and have had to work really hard at looking on the positive side of things. I just can't give into 'a good cry' as some people have suggested would be cathartic because it just makes me feek wretched. And you know ..what's the point ..I am where I am and I've just got to get on with it. I didn't have much time to get to know my dinl before they left so I need to work on ways to develop our relationship - even if it is from a distance. Any help there would be great. And get back to reading 'the monk' and getting mentally stronger....... my son phoned tday through a google number and it cost about 5 cents for the whole call.....
Walking along the fabulous beaches close to their new home I did think that they had brought that into my life which is amazing.......

Hi Janfran,So pleased for you that you had such a lovely time,it must have been incredibly hard to come home and I am sure that the expression "with a heavy heart" was very true for you.
I think just seeing them and knowing that actually they love you the same but have to live somewhere else helps.
It is all about getting used to living a different way of life which includes them but the distance will make it a different "set up".
On Bel Mooneys page in the Daily Mail at the weekend,a very distraught lady had written on a similar thread to what us mums feel.She had a daughter just gone to New Zealand and was finding it hard to adjust to..I really felt for her and the only people that can share how we feel are mums and obviously there are dads out there,who are all feeling the same.We are glad for our kids but it is such a wrench for those who are emigrating permanently,but time will,hopefully make it all slot into place a bit easier but not diminish how much we will miss those special times that we have shared with them.

Just read the letter on bel mooney's page and suggested they direct the writer here!

This is just like a support group - it certainly helps me- knowing people in the same position really helps.

These stories are very sad.

I am the DIL in the expat household. We Skype and ILs visit about once a year. If it's any consolation to you, DD (three years old) talks about her grandparents a lot - things they did together on their last visit, every time she sees a Union flag she shouts "That's from England! Where Granny and Granddad are!". So you are present in your DGCs' thoughts, I assure you.

I understand completely how you are feeling. My daughter and her husband and two grandchildren emigrated to Oz over 4 years ago. Although I am delighted to have brought up strong independently minded children (son & wife live in Cairo) there are I times when I wish I hadn't. I still wake up crying especially when something else gets me down, it all comes back to me and I feel hurt although I know it was done for all the right reasons and not to spite either my husband nor I. One of the hardest things is listening to others talking about their grandchildren and their involvement in their lives.
We Skype every week and the children are great at keeping us up to date in their lives (they are now 8 & 6) . We have been out to visit every year and stay for about 5 weeks which must be a strain for them although they say it isn't and they enjoy the free babysitters.
It really will help you after your first visit as then you can picture where they are and feel more a part of their lives.
All I can say is chin up - you are far from being alone and it certainly helps to talk to others in the same situation.
All the best.

Well,everything was going well and I felt really level about my daughter and family emigrating ,especially as her brother is doing so well out there and keeps in regular contact.I find now that I am the one trying to bolster and encourage her,she looks so thin ,exhausted and worried with it all and is so unsure if it is the right thing to do.I would love to say "stay" but realise that it is her life and her dream.Ididn't realise how hard I would actually find it,and the thought of my grandkids going-seems so final.They are now sold,and nearly packed and will be off mid August and I am finding it so hard to stay "up beat".I keep going off for a good howl and feel so panicky now.I am sure it will pass-it will have to won't it? but apart from keeping super busy,how does everyone else cope with this last bit without falling apart?I feel like I am 2 people,the encouraging mum who when anyone asks is saying what a wonderful opportunity it will be for them all and how great to do it(which it is of course) and then the private me.I am sure once they are gone it will fall into place and I will look forward to hearing how they are liking it.

Hi pete60, give yourself a break, you have every right to feel so sad and upset about this, it is a mountain of emotion you are climbing and you need to give yourself permission to grieve and howl! At one point when my son was about to leave I had a very open and weepy talk with both him and his lovely wife and through my tears I told them how I felt - proud, sad etc etc. After that I discovered 'the monk...' and that really helped. Now almost 6 months since their leaving i do feel better. And you know, they have to make sense of the world themselves -we've shared their lives for so long and it's time to let them go and be independent beings - it sucks but that's the way it is. You will always be her mum - that can never change. Start looking beyond the move, get a vision for what your life might look like and at the same time get a date for your first visit in the diary to look forward to - that is a huge help.....

Hi pete60, can I echo what janfran said, I hope you will be able to arrange a visit, it really does help. I've just come back from a two week visit with my son. We had a fantastic time together and I now have some great memories (and hundreds of photos lol!). Somehow actually going there has made him seem to be not quite as far away, if that makes sense. Now we're looking forward to his visit here, which he is planning for next year some time.

I know how hard this bit is though, coming up to your daughter's actual going, and I don't even have grandchildren, but I was the same, upbeat in front of everyone else, but absolutely dreading it and howling in private. You have to let yourself have a good howl, it's better out than in, even if it is in the shower or into your pillow, where no-one can see.

It was our birthdays this weekend (son was born on my birthday) and I was a bit sad, but I'm fine now. We chatted on msn, is that something you will be able to do with your son and your daughter, have you got Skype?

I know there's nothing that's easy about this, we're mums and we're wired up that way, so it's never going to be painless, but just keep remembering that your kids still love you wherever they are, the same as you do them, and look forward to the lovely, happy times you will be able to have together in the future, when you can visit them, or they visit you.

Keep posting, and remember you're not alone :)

Oh thanks Auntie lalla andjanfran-so good of you to encourage and support me -so appreciated.
My daughter got her date of the flights for them all,27 days to go.After trying to stay upfront and cheery on the phone at her news,I then went out into the garden and sobbed!And felt better!!!
It is hard tho'
I am going to have to give myself a good talking to and find more things to focus on.I do loads now but need something to stop me thinking so much and also stuff to get involved in to stop it all losing it's perspective-as you say we will all love each other no matter where we all live!
Just to have this support helps me soooo much.x

Hi, Just found this site im so desperate, my youngest son and his partner have told me they are emergrating to new zealand. Her family are already there so i have dreaded this moment for some time but i never thought they would acutually leave. His sister and older brother are devestated too. I cannot stop crying, I cant even talk to anyone about it as I just cry. I know he is going to a better life but I feel I will never see him again. He has promised to come home for holidays as much as he can but how often will that be? I keep thinking I will never see him married or any children they may have. My husband is paralysed and very disabled therefore unable to fly so we will never be able to go to new zealand . I know I sound so selfish but I just dont now how to cope

Hi Pheobe, you'll have seen from this thread that we all react much the same, it's so hard isn't it? Right now you're in shock and pain but it does get better. It's nature I think, because we're designed to have our children and nurture them, and when they go far away it goes against the grain. It feels so wrong and it hurts. Janfran said that we should be proud that we've raised kids that are strong, independent and brave enough to do what they're doing and she's so right. We can take some comfort from that.

I know what you mean about not seeing any children they may have, I'm in the same situation and I must admit, when I see grans playing with their children I get a bit of a pang. But my son gets on really well with his in-laws, they've accepted him into the family, and although I am more than a little envious that they get to see him much more than I do, it's a great comfort to me, knowing that he's got them. I hope your son is as lucky with his in-laws, it does make you feel better.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation and that you won't be able to get over there yourselves, but I'm sure your son will come back to visit, he'll want to see his Mum, and his Dad and his brother and sister. And when you do see him, it will be quality time you will all have together.

I know it's tough right now, but hang on to the thought that no matter how many miles apart, he'll always know who his family is, that will never change. You'll all always be in each others hearts wherever you are.

It's hard to talk about it to others isn't it? That's why it's so good to have this thread. We all seem to do the same, put this brave front on in front of others, but then cry alone. I've always been afraid to show my feelings in case I seem like a clingy mother, or in case people say something sympathetic which would make me cry. But crying is absolutely natural, inevitable even, and it is better to have a good cry, let it all out, than bottle it up. And you are definitely not being selfish so don't be hard on yourself - it's not the easiest thing in the world to adjust to. x

Hi Auntielalla, Thanks so much for your kind words, I know that somehow I have to accept that he is going. They are both coming on Thursday to talk some more but we end up going round in circles.

I just think everything we do from now on will be the last time. I can't seem to think about anything else, I really don't want his last few months to be awful but i've only just managed to stop myself begging him not to go.

I have only ever wanted the best for him and have supported him in all his decisions but this just seems like a big ask.

I'm wishing i had been one of those clingy mothers whose children never want to leave. Oh I don't really mean that but this is so hard!

THis thread is making we well up

Not there yet but I know it could happen with any/all of my DC. Have to cross that bridge if and when we come to it.

Chin up OP! Sounds like you are doing well.