My son's emigrating with his wife and our only grandchild

[janfran]

and I'm finding it really difficult to stop crying! I know I should celebrate his knew life and I am really proud of him - however I'm devastated. I'd love to hear from other Mums in the same situation.

I really feel for you, I've emigrated and her only two DGC since I've been here. Not a lot of help, but I can understand how it must be very hard for you.

Does it get any easier

I don't know . I've got my children... I miss my mum at least as much as I always have.

The acute pain of the, physical loss of your DS and DGS will soften with time. I can't imagine it's ever going to be easy, although I'm sure you'll get used to it. Sorry.

Do you have other DC still in the country?

Hopfully another separated 'gran' will be along soon...

janfran I do sympathise. My daughter and son in law are thinking about emigrating and I just want to beg them not to go.

I don't see enough of them and my DGCs as it is, they live at the other end of the country and if they move abroad I will really feel as if I've lost them.

But it's their life and whatever they choose to do we have to support them and keep in touch by whatever means we have (and start saving for holidays with them ).

Same situation here but I am the DIL who dragged her DS away.

To be honest I think that we actually speak to MIL more often now than when we lived in the UK. We skype every Sunday.

MIL has also been here (Australia) 3 times in the past 3 years and gets a nice sunny and cheap holiday while she is here.

I know she found it really difficult when we first told her that we were moving and she wouldn't talk about it. But she has told me since that it was the best thing we could have ever done and our standard of living is much higher than if we had have stayed in the UK.

Do you think you will be able to afford to visit them regularly? Do you have skype?

We moved to the US a couple of years ago and my MIL was very upset with us and made the last few months in the UK quite hard for me, though we are here because of her son's job. I think she thought I should have said no. I have taken the dcs (now 4 and 2) back to the UK twice on my own so that they could see their grandparents and we use skype regularly. As a result both dcs were thrilled when their grandparents come over to see them and I can say that it is partly because of the effort I make in keeping them close.

My own parents thought we had a fantastic opportunity in coming here and we both felt supported. Dad said we would always regret it if we didn't try. I do miss them all like mad though and I'm sorry we don't live closer to the grandparents, but we have to go where the work is these days.

we're in Perth Australia and we skype our parents all the time. my mil has seen more of the boys since we moved here then she did in the UK. my parents have been over once and they are coming again in November. They were abit upset to begin with but now esp my parents as they have been to visit, understand our choice. my boys are outdoor boys and are alwaysoutdoors here. sports club are cheaper, so my boys get more involved in sport. Australia is also very family friendly.
yes you will miss them but think of what they are gaining

Janfran it must be difficult for you, but, I think there are some positives in the long run.

I married and came to live here in Greece (not the same as US and Australia/NZ I know) Over the years I think my children have seen my parents almost as much as they would have done in the UK (I didn't live near my parents)I think we have all made more effort than we may have done if I lived in the UK but several hours away.

I am also very aware and very grateful that my parents were very supportive of me moving out here - they never implied any negative feelings about it at all (not saying that you do either) It does help though to feel 'positivety'

Now that I have only one parent alive i actually come to the uk very frequently (again I realise the situation wouldn't be the same for non european countries) and my children who are aged 16 -22 come and visit their UK family regularly too!!

I'm sure it won't be too bad.

My Mam has come to visit me twice in the two years I have been here. We SKYPE a lot too. I know she does miss us all a lot.

Where are they going?

They're going to Cape Cod to begin with, I have 2 other DCs here and that helps. Although I find that I empathise so much with their pain of 'losing' their brother that it makes it worse. as he only agreed the date on Saturday i think I'm just in a really bad place just now and need to get a grip! It dosen't help when people I tell say the saddest things...'he'll miss you, what a shame, you must be devastated....'

Your messages have been the most helpful part of all of this especially PollyLogos - you have made me determined to be supportive. not weepy, when I speak to my son

Keep talking!

Janfran, I'm glad my post was helpful as I was abit worried it might seem critical. It's just that i do also know how upsetting it is not to have your parents behind you when such major changes happen. (friends not me)

I see that many of us have said that we actually have better, more regular contact from a distance, so that's something to get organised - SKYPE etc.

Hope all goes well and start saving for your first visit!!!

Got skype and we already use that. What's it like for you that have moved away from families? Waht do you need to hear from your Mum and dad that will help you move away and settle into your new life.

My Mum said that she wished we were living around the corner and she could see us more often, but that she hoped we had a wonderful time. My MIL told all and sundry, including my friends that she didn't want us to go in an irritated tone of voice. The first made me feel supported, the second made me feel like we had no business living our life in our way.

JanFran I really feel for you, I am in a similar situation, although no gc. My youngest son has been at university in London for the last three years, only 50 miles away so we have been able to visit often. His Canadian GF came over a year ago, to be with him until he finishes his degree. I knew his intention was always to emigrate to Canada with GF eventually and now the time has come and they have just told us they are going after Xmas. It's what we want for him, we know they will have a better life, and GF will be happy to be back with her family, and of course we will have visits to look forward to. But I am in bits now that it's actually happening. I seem to be in tears all the time. My head knows this is the best thing, but my heart wants to cry. But I'm determined I won't let them see how sad I am on the inside, I want them to remember my smiling, happy-for-them face at the airport as I wave them off. We have to be very brave now, we want the best for them.

Auntielalla how great to hear from you - I bet the keyboard was wet with your tears! I think that what is happening is that we are mourning not just for our sons leaving but also realising that they will never be living around the corner, we won't be dropping in on them, our relationship will always be at a distance. Do you know what I mean - we are losing something that we thought we would have. The gc is important but my Mum wisely said it's more about my son.....I cried for days when they told me the date they were going but I'm a bit better now and it overwhelms me from time to time and then I lose it again...so what are the positives....?

We moved to NZ 18 months ago taking my two dds away from their grandparents. It was the hardest decision of my life as I knew what it would do to my parents. My girls are their only grand children at the moment.
They were always very supportive but I know that in private they probably shed many tears.
They came over for three months last year which was great. So they actually spent more time with the girls than they did when we lived in the UK.
We speak on Skype virtually every day, sometimes more than once! I still miss them every day but when we do see them it is really valued, quality time. When they came over here they understood why we had made the move and everything we were gaining.
The thing that helped me the most was something that my grandparents kept repeating to me. You only get one chance at life and if you fail to take an opportunity like this you will regret it. You will never know what might have been. My grandparents are well into their eighties and we speak to them on skype about once a week. They are amazing and again we probably speak more to them since we have been over here. My grandad is even considering making the journey out here for a visit!

That's realy interesting......did they stay with you? How did that work? What is it about people like you that find the strength to move to another country? Do you think you have an inner strength or an independent gene others don't!:)(and of course..you're in NZ now and yet connecting here! It's really a small world!)

Mums who have married sons - Thought you might like this poem - sorry if it makes you cry :(

MOTHER OF THE GROOM

What she remembers
Is his glistening back
In the bath, his small boots
In the ring of boots at her feet.

Hands in her voided lap,
She hears a daughter welcomed.
It's as if he kicked when lifted
And slipped her soapy hold.

Once soap would ease off
The wedding ring
That's bedded forever now
In her clapping hand.

-- Seamus Heaney, "Opened Ground" (1998)

Hi janfran, how are you doing now? Love the poem, it does get to the heart of how we feel doesn't it?

Well, things have moved along since I posted and my boy and gf are going before Christmas now, but they are so happy and excited, that I can't help but feel happy for them. Like lavenderbongo said, you only get one chance at life, and I want my son to take his chance. And his gf has been so homesick and she is so happy that she can be home for Christmas with her large family. I know her Mum has missed her.

What I find has been helping me is, I've been so busy, planning our first trip out there to visit them, next June, which they are happy about too, they're going to throw a pool party for us! And I'm organising a big family get together before they go so everyone can wish them luck.

It sounds as though I'm happy doesn't it? Well, the only way I can explain it is, I'm happy for them, but inside, I'm pretty upset still, I think if I keep on convincing everybody else, eventually I'll convince myself!

We will get there in the end. You said you're feeling a bit better now but every now and then you lose it, sounds like we're at the same sort of stage ....... but allow yourself a good cry, it does help to get it out doesn't it? ((((Big hugs for you, and all Mums))))

You make me feel such an idiot...i've been miserable(crying) for two days because DS1 (he's 20) wants to move in with his GF.....into her Mums...i feel a bit(lot) redundant....he was quite blase about it and told me just as i had to leave for work......i know they grow up and move on with their lives but it is hard

MD - it's all relative though isn't it, I was the same when youngest went to uni and he was only one hour's drive away. Now he's going thousands of miles away, and I'm off again, maybe I should buy shares in Kleenex! One consolation though, we have brought up strong, independant sons, ready to take on life. We'll always be their Mums, wherever they are.

JanFran, how are you doing, hope you're OK.

One thing I would suggest is that you see it as an opportunity for yourself as well, to travel and visit them frequently. My family in law are many thousands of miles away but just will not come and visit us which puts even more pressure on us to go there.

I am also the daughter in law who took the son far away (years before we had children) and as our children are the only grandchildren I know my mil feels it. However, one thing I have noticed is that it is really her son she misses rather than her grandchildren.

As others have said when we do see them it is for a substantial amount of time, approx a month a year, rather than a day or two here or there so probably works out as more time overall than if we were in the same country.

Skype isn't so handy for us because the children aren't fluent in mil's language so calls are never very successful and we tend to avoid them nowadays. Flickr is really great for us and I put photos up as we do things so they really feel part of what we're up to immediately. That does help a lot with the distance.

Hi auntielalla (and everybody) you are amazing - i COULD not have a party for them - it would be too difficult - I would cry all the time and anyway it makes it so final .....not sure this is the right approach. Really intersting post above it being about our sons and not about our grandchildren - I can understand that - my relationship is primarily with my son.....

Janfran, you are very brave. And you, Auntielalla. (I'm not in your situation, but fear grips me every time I think of it).

One thought that might help a bit: if you stay with your son for a month, that's like 30 weeks of seeing him once a week - over 7 months. Also, maybe your grandchildren will be as independent and courageous as their parents, and come back to stay with you on their own in school holidays, when they are old enough.

Start planning your first visit?

All the best.

sticking with that thought...and here's a thing....we need to re-define who we thought we would be when we became grandmothers. My tact now is to fill my life with some of things I said I want to do one day - so now - with more time I can take up learning French, the degree I always said I would study for etc etc. Sitting thinking about what I haven't got is the way to sadness - and doing things and having interesting things to share and talk makes sense. Puts us back in the driving seat and fits our children around our life rather than our lives around our children.