How to help a teen who is sailing along at the top of the top set to prepare for "reality"

[moresoup]

DS loves learning and reads around subjects and is very bright so is gliding along at the top of the top set and shining in particular in subjects he loves (maths and science)

I'm not worried about him socially he has a lovely group of friends and some fun sporty hobbies.

But in all honesty the fact that even in his big secondary he stands out so much in terms of attainment makes me nervous for him.

I was similar albeit in different subjects and I think it didn't prepare me brilliantly for the real world, both in terms of struggling if wasn't naturally the best at something (not in an arrogant way but in my head not being the best felt like failing) .

I am struggling to articulate as my brain is fried tonight but I am hoping maybe others who have been through this themselves will understand where I am coming from and might have some pearls of wisdom!

(I don't think my parents handled it well and were so delighted with my intelligence and successes that they didn't anticipate any of the pitfalls)

What pitfalls worry you the most?
He does know he can’t be the smartest person in the country? And one day he will be in classes with people as smart as him or smarter?
You have told him too that each level of education gets harder, so sailing along no effort now will not always be the case and definitely not by University.

Learn something he's not naturally good at? Maybe a sport against type, a musical instrument, art? And work experience is usually pretty helpful too

Make sure they value themselves for things other than being clever. There will always be someone more intelligent/ more beautiful/ more talented/ richer etc. Making peace with that is important.

Get them to learn something they find difficult and stick at it. If they have always been top without having to work at it, at some point they may come unstuck, if they haven’t learned how to learn.

Also, make a point of commenting on people's
skills when it would be appropriate. This person is a very good public speaker, as they held the audience. That person has devoted their life to their local community, selflessness. That scientist has worked for years to find something which will improve life for millions, resilience/perseverance.

There is so much more to a fulfilled life than being good at tests

You are borrowing trouble here, OP. Your son isn't you. I was also neurotic and stressed by being a high achiever; the only thing that has helped my kids has been to get help if they have started to stumble, like private therapy. Apart from that, having friends and being a high achiever is not a bad place for him to be, and I wouldn't worry about it right now, worry about it if and when issues arise.

This is one of the reason I got my kids involved in sports and music from a young age.

it’s good for them to do physical activities and also music but it also means that they have personal experience of finding some things hard and some things easy.

my DS hated football but really got on with martial arts. My DD didn’t take to violin and gave it up to sing instead.

it also teaches that hard work and practice are needed even if you do have some talent.

what extra curriculars does he do?

My dc coasted but when the time came when they could no longer do do in later life they buckled down and got on with it Be grateful they can coast. Work smart , not hard is their attitude

Yes we've had chats about that. I am not sure he fully grasps it because he is so used to his school. In terms of the work he's mainly just excited about the work getting harder

What pitfalls did you experience?

I get that you’re concerned and want him to have opportunities to develop resilience (and don’t want him to repeat your difficulties/mistakes) but surely he’s experienced some difficulty or challenges in life? Or do you think he’s experienced none and will crumble at the first sign of it?

Agree with those saying get him doing/learning something that requires effort and isn't easy for him.

Yes he does sports, rock climbing and football.

He also does air cadets

It was very much the reason I encouraged sports too. I would say he is average at football but very good at rock climbing.

I also try and get them to try lots of different sports during the holidays,.so he's a reasonable sailor and skier too

He's definitely experienced challenges and had to be resilient in non academic spheres.

But in school just soaks up everything like a sponge and gets the top marks without much effort at all. (And often reads around the topic for fun).

For me, one example was learning to drive. I didn't find it easy straight away so I gave up multiple times. When I did finally learn and keep going (because I had to), it was genuinely a revelation that we can also get good at things we find hard, if we keep working at them. I know that probably sounds stupid.

It's also that feeling that "not getting the very top marks".can feel like failure. Even though objectively it isn't. I was definitely haunted by that a bit at university and felt I had to always get a first, even when I was dealing with quite shocking stuff in my personal life

I’m not sure entirely what you are worried about.

i was like this at school and then got into Cambridge and had to work a bit.

I’m not sure it really did me any harm in any way. I also learned violin (badly) abd have always been aware that there’s stuff I pick up quite easily and stuff I don’t (can’t sing for toffee for example).

at Cambridge I met people who could pick up languages the same way I pick up social sciency type stuff and people who pick up maths very easily (which doesn’t come easily to me).

what do you think the pitfalls are?

I went on to have a fairly decent career although O struggled a bit in my early twenties to work out what I wanted to do and tried a few jobs out.

He’s allowed to have strengths! As long as he hasn’t sailed through life never experiencing “no” or any challenges, he’ll be fine.

I was always very good academically but have had plenty of challenges in life. I also had academic challenges eventually, and they were daunting but excellent opportunities to grow.

It sounds like he has a love of learning and works hard, and looks forward to challenges. You have a lovely thing to be concerned about, and although it’s totally valid and important to you, it is such a minor in the context of how rebellious, lazy, uninterested teenagers can be!

He’s lucky. If he finds something difficult in future he’ll deal with it, unless you think he’s especially fragile?

I don't entirely know, I guess I just am conscious it's quite an odd place to be at the very top of the school year (in a big.and very popular school too) and to think about how I balance that a bit somehow

He does do sports and air cadets, I am hoping that will help.

I guess at the end of the day I am a parent so I worry about both my children and want to do the best I can for them, and they both have quite different challenges.

Has he got a part time job? Learning the limits of free time, the impact of work on your energy and focus, and the values of money and organisation are useful!

He’s going to go to uni and find people who get the same / better grades at him while also playing sports better than him and maybe even a few instruments. It’s inevitable. All he needs to be prepared for is grading by the curve (some unis do use this) & that he might go from being ‘good’ at rock climbing to average - especially if the school has a lot of Chinese and Indian students (rock climbing is a thing at private schools there).

It’s easy to live in the future with children. Tbh if I were you I’d try to live in the present a bit more. What joy, to be in a school where he’s achieving well, enjoying learning, reading around the subject! Imagine if someone had told you when you were pregnant that you’d have a child with that experience of school. Wouldn’t you have been delighted? Can you let go a little?

Ds has been a bit like that. I’m certainly not going to say Ive got it right all the time. I think for him, being a big academic cheese in a school with a proper range of ability, was confidence building. Also he could see lots of different types of achievement and aspiration around him so it wasn’t all about the academics - he knew someone who went off to a football academy, and kids who were flying with the cadets (like your son!) and kids who passed their driving test first time (he hasn’t) and kids who had their own businesses two years out of school as qualified electricians. I like the idea above about pointing out different kinds of achievement. In a really top school ds probably would have still been above average but nothing like as special. He hit a big academic block in his second term at university- but then he got through it with support (and brownies) and it’s been absolutely fine.

There is a very simple mindfulness exercise out there called Leaves on a Stream - you can find recordings etc. I really recommend it, I use it myself and in my job. Your fears aren’t necessarily reality? You know that but I’m here to say it again.

Absolutely this a weekend/holiday job will give him social skills in the workplace as well as managing a budget.

Leave him be. Sounds like he is a happy, well rounded young man and not at all arrogant about his big brain!
Plenty of time for pit falls later.
Make sure he is clued up about managing money and being responsible for bills etc.

I always wonder on these threads. How do you know he's top of the whole year.?
Do the teachers happily announce that?
My dcs schools have never talked to me any time about where they sat in the year group.

I'm not the OP, but just to say it was very obvious to me when my daughter was at primary school that she was streets ahead of the rest of her class (one form entry primary).

The teachers didn't announce it. We just noticed that she was just finding everything a lot easier than her peers. Talking to mum friends at pickup etc cemented this. We realised that she was reading very different books in terms of complexity. We noticed that she was doing harder maths in her head for fun. We had a lot of questions to answer every day!

I used to help in school so was familiar with what the general expectation was.

I was similar. Came very close to crashing and burning when I hit med school, as it was the first time I was surrounded by people brighter than me, and the first time I’d had to really work hard to succeed.