How to help a teen who is sailing along at the top of the top set to prepare for "reality"

[moresoup]

DS loves learning and reads around subjects and is very bright so is gliding along at the top of the top set and shining in particular in subjects he loves (maths and science)

I'm not worried about him socially he has a lovely group of friends and some fun sporty hobbies.

But in all honesty the fact that even in his big secondary he stands out so much in terms of attainment makes me nervous for him.

I was similar albeit in different subjects and I think it didn't prepare me brilliantly for the real world, both in terms of struggling if wasn't naturally the best at something (not in an arrogant way but in my head not being the best felt like failing) .

I am struggling to articulate as my brain is fried tonight but I am hoping maybe others who have been through this themselves will understand where I am coming from and might have some pearls of wisdom!

(I don't think my parents handled it well and were so delighted with my intelligence and successes that they didn't anticipate any of the pitfalls)

Have a read of carol dwek or look on line Ted talks for her growth mindset stuff.

Stop projecting.

This.

This doesn't really seem like a problem. He sounds like he's well rounded.
I did great at school, then went to Cambridge and was relatively mediocre, and have certainly struggled at various points in my career but overall have done fine. The extremely smart people I knew there who were also good socially etc have gone on to be super successful and happy, as far as I can see.
I can see it's important to have some experience of early struggle and failure but don't worry, it will come! And you'll support him when it does.

I was like this in school, and then got into med school where I was decidedly middle of the pack. It took a term or so to adjust, but everyone was in the same boat and it was nice to be around other “clever” people as well. You are almost certainly worrying about nothing.

My main issue was DM completely devaluing anything non-core academic, which also happened to be the things I wasn’t naturally talented at. So I wasn’t encouraged to persevere with art, sport or music, and it was a revelation later in life when I discovered that I do actually like quite a lot of sports, and enjoy music and art. I also never really understood until adulthood that something I was rubbish at likely needed more practice not less. It doesn’t sound like you are doing that though!

As soon as he's old enough, get him a little weekend job! Preferably customer facing

Yes, that's what my mum was like.

I also never really understood until adulthood that something I was rubbish at likely needed more practice not less.

Yes, this was exactly the revelation that came to me embarrassingly late in life (when I finally had to learn to drive). Whereas my DD just seems to naturally know that it she isn't good at something but works at it then she will get better.

Perhaps he could volunteer for a charity or become involved in a worthwhile community project involving teamwork and the support of others in the interest of personal growth and to experience the wider world.

I think he sounds great OP! And very lucky!

2 things that might help - the jump from GCSE's to A-levels is pretty big and coasting is unlikely to cut it at that stage, might be a bit of a wake up call.

The other is that I'd be encouraging him to apply for degree apprenticeships if he's at all interested. He sounds ideal for it - but I'd recommend him thinking ahead and volunteering/getting relevant experience in any field he might be interested in if at all possible. Applying for degree apprenticeships gives you a real taste of how competitive getting a job is and the process you have to go through. You generally need an impressive CV, a good cover letter, to be whatever it is they want in a personality test, to be able to complete technical interviews or phone/in person interviews or do group tasks....whatever they decide on. Get him to apply for a good number (say 10) and he will get a really good range of experience.

IMO they're worth applying even if you don't get one/decide to go to uni instead because they really give you an idea of the competitive nature of getting a job and how you need to stand out and have a variety of experiences to talk about at interview. Too many kids think just going to uni and getting a degree is enough IMO, and it often isn't.

If he's got a good set of friends then he'll be fine in a workplace situation. DD1 is in a very bright friend group (all the prizes at secondary school were won by her friends) and they are all nice girls who do well at their hobbies and part time jobs as well as getting good grades at 6th form. I think people like to think very bright kids are bad at other things but unfortunately life is unfair and some people have all the gifts and none of the knocks of life and continue to do well throughout life. Others have more setbacks when younger but go on to do very well a bit later on. We hear a lot about those who feel like they haven't fufilled their early promise and the romantic stories of those early failure who go on to do well but less about the bright kids who are well supported and go on to do well at university and in their career. My work is full of people who did well academically and who have also done well at work, feels like that's a pretty standard route.

I teach at Oxford and obviously a lot of our students have been in your DS position. Although it is confronting to suddenly be average, almost all of them find their way with it and get a lot of joy from being around other bright students- more so than being the best, but alone on that level as they were in school.

I am not convinced by the argument that bright kids need to be taught to fail actually. In an environment where everyone is bright, the advantage comes from having unshakable confidence. As a research scientist, I see others carried forward, not by a growth mindset born of humility, but by being so bloody confident that their ideas are brilliant, that they are willing to stake huge amounts of public money and other people’s careers on it. Others are held back by self doubt.

My parents were the same. I think it's important to praise the work rather than the talent and to just be very matter of fact about the reality that you can excel at something both by being naturally very quick to catch the gist of it, and by just plugging away at something you don't immediately get the hang of. My parents very much prized the former and didn't get the latter at all but my husband and I really push the virtues of practice and plugging away to our (much younger) daughter.

work experience of some kind - part time job or perhaps get him to set up his own little business, side hustle etc, website - anything to get hands on experience

Thanks thats really helpful to hear . I didn't go to Oxbridge (I didn't apply because they didn't offer the particular focus I wanted in my subject) and was always top of my year again at university. It wasn't till I went to law school for post grad study that I came up against any competition - but you are right that I also liked it. DS is very interested in Oxford/Cambridge and so I guess that's part of what is on my mind.

And it's a really interesting point about the unshakeable confidence.

As a lawyer you may have met a few confident types ;-)

Yes
In my experience confidence and ability don't correlate very neatly!

Yes, unshakeable confidence does sometimes butt up against reality, such as in the case of Liz Truss, who I seem to remember, very nearly crashed the economy. Ditto, Boris Johnson and his unshakeable confidence that he could behave in one way whilst advising the British public to behave in another.

I do agree some preparation for the real world as it were, earlier rather than later, would be good. I did well at school but worked at it in some subjects. My younger sibling was top in everything just by turning up it seemed. They crashed and burned at uni, which was suddenly full of people bright or brighter than them - they barely got their degree. It was a tough lesson.

What does a Global Intifada mean? Would anyone here like to have one and how does it work?

He should talk to his teachers ASAP about registering for BPhO round 0, and senior maths challenge as these are coming up soon.

Is he an A level student? If so, which subjects is he taking?

He's doing GCSEs at the moment, and wants to do Maths, Further Maths, Physics and Chemistry at A level

Check this out as well: https://compos.web.ox.ac.uk/

In that case, he should register for the intermediate physics challenge and maybe the year 12 physics challenge, and the intermediate maths challenge. You can find past papers for all of these on the BPhO/UKMT websites

I can confirm there is a lot of joy in finding your people for top achievers. I was always top at my (very small rural school) and was considered 'weird' so going to a good University and being normal (and suddenly being considered pretty!) was lifechanging for me. DH, who went to a private school never had the experience and I'm not sure always being considered a bit 'second rate' was actually all that good for him (context: he has degrees from Cambridge, Edinburgh and Oxford so not a slouch in the academic arena).

Thank you!