How to help a teen who is sailing along at the top of the top set to prepare for "reality"

[moresoup]

DS loves learning and reads around subjects and is very bright so is gliding along at the top of the top set and shining in particular in subjects he loves (maths and science)

I'm not worried about him socially he has a lovely group of friends and some fun sporty hobbies.

But in all honesty the fact that even in his big secondary he stands out so much in terms of attainment makes me nervous for him.

I was similar albeit in different subjects and I think it didn't prepare me brilliantly for the real world, both in terms of struggling if wasn't naturally the best at something (not in an arrogant way but in my head not being the best felt like failing) .

I am struggling to articulate as my brain is fried tonight but I am hoping maybe others who have been through this themselves will understand where I am coming from and might have some pearls of wisdom!

(I don't think my parents handled it well and were so delighted with my intelligence and successes that they didn't anticipate any of the pitfalls)

One of the best things you can do is to compare having intelligence to being beautiful. Both are accidents of nature / good luck and carry no element of moral superiority. I came down like a ton of bricks on clever kids in family sneering at a less naturally gifted but hard working kid who was very good looking …. pointed out that being proud of being clever was no different to being proud of being pretty. Neither is anything to do with the holder. It’s effort - something you do or earn - that is admirable and in which one takes pride.

One of my sisters was a person who had been effortlessly top by a huge margin in all subjects at school and athletically gifted too. She was always pleasant to others and not arrogant, but lacked understanding or empathy with others struggles …. until her mid 20s when she started learning golf …. and found it extremely challenging.

You are worried because he hasn't learned how to fail perhaps?

Watch The Big Bang Theory as a family. There’s a good episode quite far on when Sheldon Cooper is astonished and horrified to see how much further on in research fellow physicist Barry Cribkey is on a joint topic. He cries to his girlfriend that his mommy is no longer the mommy of the cleverest boy - it’s Mrs Cribkey. Joking apart, it’s a great one to watch with a clever kid - as is ‘Young Sheldon’.

Oh believe me I do! His sister is bright but has quite severe dyslexia we don't live in some bubble of endless academic success. And his cousin has severe learning difficulties and they get on brilliantly together

I don't think he sees himself as better than others. But he is just used to doing very well academically

He's watched both series several times over . I credit them with helping him feel quite comfortable in his own skin and not embarrassed by his love of maths and physics.

@Muu9 thank you for telling me about compos!! He's thrilled. Gutted we are too late for the full thing this year but will sign him up to the follow along and then hopefully we can try for a place the following year

Also look at Smallpeice ( correct weird spelling!) Trust courses. My son thoroughly enjoyed a cyber security residential.

Even the jump to A level can cause some formerly very talented students to wobble a bit. Very few people get A* all the way through. I'm a bit sceptical of people who say that they got there effortlessly. Every single subject requires study, attention, focus and memory, you can't get top grades in Maths at A level and uni simply by showing up, you have to practice and understand. Many RG unis ask for a B in Maths, not an A for this reason, as even pretty good students can struggle to get top grades.

Let it happen how it will.

This is so true. It really is pot luck as to how intelligent you are, the same with being beautiful. How hard you work is what counts and what is admirable.

Absolutely. I was talking to an A A A* student who has just started at a RG university on Monday, who said that he has a fascination with maths and physics. There is no sailing, he loves it and 100% applies himself.

I know where you son is coming from. I was always in the top set in secondary school and easily passed the subjects I took for GCEs (1960s). My parents took little interest in my attainment so when I entered the world of work I found that I was not always the brightest tool in the box. It came as a shock. Still I was good at exams and therefore qualified in my profession without too much effort. Rose to a certain managerial level than was annoyed to find I was being outpaced by graduates. Not because they were more intelligent, but because they had a piece of paper I lacked.

Yes I was angry, and jealous that I never got the opportunity to go to uni as a young woman. I finally made it to uni as a mature student and was determined to get a 1st. I probably worked harder there than at any time in my life. I drove myself relentlessly and talmost had a breakdown. I went on to gain a masters and a Ph.D. and became an academic. I met people at uni who were, in intellectual terms, far more brilliant. But they lacked my single minded ambition to get on, my knowledge of the world and my organizational abilities. Academic ability alone does not cut it. Ptactical skills, self discipline and a certian ruthlessness are important too.

Oh in fairness to my son, he loves physics and maths enough to loads of reading around and exploring the topics outside school. School just doesn't stretch him do he rattles through the work. He's leapt at the suggestions on here about other things he can do to explore his love of the subjects. I am hopeful A level will really stretch him and so is he!

This story made me so had and so happy for you at the same time!

I was one of those straight A students. I would have benefitted a minimum wage retail job earlier. I don’t think I understood the value of money in my teens.

Cross that bridge if you come to it.

I teach at an “elite” university and honestly, it’s no bad thing to be a big fish in a small pond. The super-academic schools with loads of academic kids also foster insecurity, and often neurotic levels of competitiveness.

I’ve known kids who were the brightest in their comp have more self confidence and independence than those who went to the best schools; both have advantages and disadvantages. A bright kid is normally resilient enough to know perfectly well that at university they will meet more clever people than before: that’s precisely why they want to go!

That's really interesting to hear! Thank you. And yes you are right, even now I know that part of why I love my job is being surrounded by people "like me" that I can bounce off.
I hadn't thought that maybe it's harder to be in that environment when you are much younger

Ha! Yes I finally got a job in my gap year and it was the absolute best thing I did. I had been so shielded from what money meant till then.

I definitely remember thinking as a child that you practised something like gymnastics or swimming until you “got it” - but that “getting it” was a random event, like flipping a coin. Then once you unlocked the secret of how to do it, your body had worked out what to do and you could do it from then on unless you mysteriously lost the knack again.

The idea that you were practising to get gradually stronger/more flexible etc and then your body would be physically able to do it, and that if you didn’t practise you wouldn’t maintain that ability, went completely over my head! 🤣

Definitely this.

When I went on to teach at uni I encountered gifted students like your son who cruised, and often left their assignments until the last minute. Or they skimped on tedius admin tasks like referencing. Often they (although intellectually cabable of it) ended with a 2/1 rather than a 1st. Comparative to their numbers, mature students were more likely to get a 1st than the really bright younger ones. I taught several students who. while being "better" than average. were not outstandingly brilliant. However they had somethig inside them which drove them to make the most of the opportunity. It was an opportunity they had worked for, rather than having it handed to them on a plate by affluent parents.

Having life and work experience (plus family committments) they were good at time management, admin, and self motivation. They studied exam skills and were very visible and political in the department. Political in the sense that they got themselves elected or co-opted onto committees as student reps. This ensured that everyone knew their faces, and they learned valuable presentation skills. They (the students) also learned about the departmental dynamics and where the power bases lay. While the "cool" younger students were out drinking and clubbing these individuals had a strategic eye to the future, and how they could make relationships with staff work for them. None of these attributes you can learn from a text book.

How did they learn about where the power bases lay? How did this knowledge help them?

See if you can find a used first year university physics book on Bookfinder.com (a website that scrapes a whole bunch of book selling websites to find you the cheapest option, including shipping)
E.g.

University Physics by Young and Freedman
Physics for Scientists and Engineers by Serway and Jewett
Physics for Scientists and Engineers by Knight (this one is lighter on calculus)
Fundamentals of Physics by Halliday Resnick and Walker.

If he really wants a challenge and is confident in his calculus, then check out Physics by Halliday, Resnick, and Krane.

You can get an idea about how calculus works on this mini-course: www.3blue1brown.com/lessons/essence-of-calculus

Failing my driving test three times sorted me out. All the A grades…

@Muu9 Well in DD's case (and she went to university after a year out only) she figured out who had the industry experience prior to lecturing that she needed to learn from. She worked hard and did well in her first and second year and volunteered to be student rep in her first year, partly because it gave her access to talking to tutors in a different way and to students in the years above. All this was a surprise to me as she can appear quite ditzy. Turns out she is very focused when it comes to something she loves. I think she'd taken on from my work life experience that networking and having a decent reputation for getting the job done helps with finding work.
She's currently on an industry placement year and loving it.