How to help a teen who is sailing along at the top of the top set to prepare for "reality"

[moresoup]

DS loves learning and reads around subjects and is very bright so is gliding along at the top of the top set and shining in particular in subjects he loves (maths and science)

I'm not worried about him socially he has a lovely group of friends and some fun sporty hobbies.

But in all honesty the fact that even in his big secondary he stands out so much in terms of attainment makes me nervous for him.

I was similar albeit in different subjects and I think it didn't prepare me brilliantly for the real world, both in terms of struggling if wasn't naturally the best at something (not in an arrogant way but in my head not being the best felt like failing) .

I am struggling to articulate as my brain is fried tonight but I am hoping maybe others who have been through this themselves will understand where I am coming from and might have some pearls of wisdom!

(I don't think my parents handled it well and were so delighted with my intelligence and successes that they didn't anticipate any of the pitfalls)

I have friends who teach there, plus his friends tease him (nicely ) about it too. They are tested regularly. And two of his teachers have told him /the class that the last few pages of the work set in a class are basically just for him, but the others can attempt it if they want to

That's a good idea, and yes I totally agree. Being good at tests /academic work isn't even enough if you want a good career in academia, and I mention that frequently! (I work in a very academic field and am well aware of the need for people to be "well rounded" even when they are very bright)

Yes, this is the kind of story that is on my mind.

I never quite hit that point at university but definitely in the workplace it was a bit of a shock to sometimes find things hard and have to really work at them . And I often find myself coaching junior members of staff now who are having to go through that process

The short answer, is find something they're shit at.

DD is annoyingly good at everything. She sailed through her GCSEs, she's sailing through her A-levels. I was the same, and came crashing down to earth at University, because I had absolutely no idea how to fail, pick myself back up, and try again.

So we've spent the past 5 years finding something she's utterly crap at. Video games were a good start, but she surpassed me a few years ago, and I've not won a Mario Kart race in months. I figured sport would be an issue, but now, she's really good at Karate. She can't sing to save her life, but turns out she's a cracking guitar player.

And then we discovered Chess, And by god she's shit at it. And not in a "I'm learning" way. She's just absolute dog shit at it. And so the learning experience has commenced. Because she wants desperately to beat me, but she never will. And that's an important lesson to learn.

You're right. I think that's it. And that's exactly the thing I am cautious of. And while I get the "worry about it when it happens." Idea,. I would love to be gently proactive .

He's fairly sporty so that hasn't worked (and I do want him to be fit)
And he's annoyingly good at chess, and plays a lot online.

But I think we need to keep trying things. And then find something he doesn't find easy but can work at.

I am terrible at Mario but I still love it

As someone in his shoes, while I knew that I couldn't be the smartest logically, when I was finally confronted with someone significantly better than me in my self-proclaimed area of strength, I actually had a bit of a panic attack. Luckily it was only for a little bit, until I did the work of defining my identity otherwise - if this had come in uni where the majority of the course we're smarter than me it might have been harder to deal with.

OP, I suggest getting him started with Olympiads or similar competitions in his areas of interest.

E.g. https://www.bpho.org.uk/bpho/round-0.html

https://ukmt.org.uk/competition-papers

https://c3l6.com/

https://edu.rsc.org/enrichment/uk-chemistry-olympiad

If he gets serious about any, let me know and I can send prep resources

As far as games, maybe he could try go. It's a very different game from chess - much harder.

My sister was like this and honestly even for her under graduate at uni- I think her masters was the first time she really had to work at it… but she was mature enough then to cope which probably helped.

does your son learn any instruments? It helped my sister although she is incredibly talented now at music she did have to learn from the bottom and found violin far harder than piano or guitar…

I agree, find something he is crap at, bbut interested.
My oldest is bright but dyslexic - the amount of work he had to put in in primary means he’s absolutely flying in secondary, because he has learned how to work hard and to be ultra resilient.
Mt youngest is even brighter, but luckily passionate about a sport he has little ralent for (and zero interest in the ones he has talent for), so he too has learned to work hard.
I saw so many super bright people fail at university, i’m very aware of the challenges. I was a (very) late bloomer, ok at gcse level, very good at A levels, and flying at university, but i’m the only one of all the A/A* a-level people from my school who didn’t crash at university. Most of the A/B people on the other hand absolutely smashed it at university and employment - they had learned how to work hard.

Absolutely music. Nobody is a technically excellent musician without putting in a lot of practice.

Sport is great but at amateur level you can excel by just turning up weekly so teaches less of the lessons around consistent effort

One of mine was like this, sailed through it all, graduated with a fist and picked up a non graduate job for a bit of a break after uni. He is considering a masters and/or as phd in the future. I didn’t really have any concern about him though. I don’t quite know what the ‘reality’ is that you are expecting to hit? Some people are clever, it’s not that big a deal imo. Mine also spent a lot of time playing video games and never took up a sport. He moved to the city with his fiancé over a year ago and they are doing great. I don’t see the concern about being clever.

What age is your ds? If he hasn't started 6th form yet you might find that A Levels give him more of a challenge. But maybe not!

How about moving schools for 6th form to an academically selective one?

I know a young man who also was always top of the class. Went to Oxford where it was an adjustment for him to be surrounded by people who were all as smart as him or smarter. And the pace was challenging. He had to accept he wasn't always going to get top marks any more if he wanted a social life.

Yes, DD is bright but dyslexic and her resilience and tenacity is just incredible. I feel sad she has to work so hard at things some people find effortless, but on the other hand it's like a bit of a super power.

And yes, my worry comes from watching some super bright people flounder (either at university or later) when they aren't the shining star in the room all of a sudden. Or when they find something hard when they aren't used to having to struggle.

DS was like this - he was called The Professor at primary school because he would rather have been reading or playing chess than playing football. I was quite worried about him - his social skills were less developed than I'd like, but we encouraged him to do things outside of school and he took up a fairly niche sport and became an Explorer scout...

He's in the final year of his degree - the only thing he ever really struggled with (until uni) was driving. His siblings have passed first time...he took 5 goes and found it deeply frustrating that he "couldn't do it when DS2 and DD can".

He found university a bit of a wake up call - having been top of the pile at school (literally, won the prize for best A levels in the school), he realised that he wasn't quite as exceptional as he thought, but gradually realised that it wasn't the end of the world if he didn't get full marks or understand everything first off - he has learnt to row, goes to debates and things at the union and has taken up triathlons, found a lovely girlfriend and made some great friends....he's happy in his own skin for the first time in a long time, having had a fairly miserable time being teased and mocked (at primary school particularly) for being clever.

I'm sure your son will be fine - I'm not quite sure what you are most concerned about, but if he has support at home, I'm sure he will find his groove and figure it all out.

He's doing GCSEs at the moment.
That's a good point, we don't have sixth forms attached to schools here and the college he is aiming for is the most competitive one to get into in the county. Hopefully that might provide a bit of a re-set at a time we can support him through it (DH and I have both experienced being the stand out student too)

This is a great idea, thank you. I think he would also love that he can be stretched that way.

Thanks that's a great story and yes it's that fact that at some point he will have to adjust to not being the brightest in the room, and that that can result in a wobble. But you are right that there is also a joy that comes with that, because finally you are around people that get you. So maybe I need to remember the positives too. I remember loving getting to university and finally feeling like my brain was being stretched

(although I would add, DS has never been made to feel bad for being clever, I dont know if the culture has changed a bit at school, or if I has just been lucky. He gets teased a bit but only in the same way he teases his friends about things. And I think weirdly watching Big Bang Theory /Young Sheldon helped him feel at peace with being clever /loving science and maths)

I think you're projecting your emotional fears onto him.

Life will happen to him when it happens and you'll help him then.

You don't need to do anything other than model how YOU deal with finding things difficult.

Certainly don't actively seek out things he's crap at. That's just weird, he's not in the Truman Show. Just live life and support him as he goes.

I think it's only likely to be a problem if being smart is his whole identity, which doesn't sound like the case here.

Plus, it's perfectly possible to coast through life. I'm not sure I've ever had to work hard at something.

This was me, but I crashed at A level. Partly because of the subjects I chose, I didn’t have the ‘natural’ talent. I was devastated at my A level results (lots couldn’t believe that I got those grades given the GCSEs I got). But I went to insurance offer university and I thrived there. Although my results were awful at the time it taught me a lesson in working.

I recognise the not being able to bad at stuff and quitting things that don’t come easily. Can’t say I’ve cured myself now, but in my 40s I’m much better at recognising it in myself!

I wish my parents had pushed me to continue with things I wasn’t naturally good at, and maybe not made such a big deal of how ‘clever’ I was (I’m not even sure I am even that clever, just to them I was).

That he's faced challenges is good.
School is designed to be encouraging and to help children achieve their potential. Praise, awards etc are given fairly freely. It's also more structured - class timetables etc.
The world of work is different and can be a shock.
He'll be expected to do what he's paid for and may not be told he's doing a great job , given feedback or praised for his abilities.
He may be told what they expect the end result to be and then left to reach it himself. He may have colleagues that think he's to full of himself and don't go out of there way to work as a team.
Some companies don't thank employees when they perform above there remitt its just expected.
Maybe a part time job or volunteering in a non academic role would give him different perspectives (if and when he's old enough).
I'm sure he'll have a successful future and make the most of his opportunities and hopefully see that when things are tough it isnt failure its just a new challenge that he's able to navigate and overcome.

This was me: I was top of the class from primary school to 6th form college, usually without much effort. By the time of 6th form I'd pretty much given up attending. And the risk was that I'd get lazy, disillusioned, complacent. I'd have loved some competition or to be stretched. Maybe there's a way of doing that.
I got into Oxford and was momentarily surprised that I was now precisely in the middle of the pack, perfectly average. Which was great. I loved being around some staggeringly bright people and it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Plus, it's perfectly possible to coast through life. I'm not sure I've ever had to work hard at something. Yes to this! Plenty of people do find things fine, and if/when something comes along they step up.

We don't have to invent emotional challenges to toughen people up.

'Resilience' is becoming quite misappropriated - now being used to repackage and resell the old story that a hard life is somehow morally better than an easy life, and you have to feel pain early to feel less pain later. School of hard knocks, university of life etc. etc.

A part time job could do him the world of good, just so he is in the “real world” and experiencing being the junior least experienced person

So he'll either find it tough or he won't. Let him live his life and just support him.

Focus on values and model healthy attitudes.

You don't have to fear his future for him.