Headteacher's doesn't want ds at the school.

[avenanap]

Hiya, I have posted before about my enthusiastic ds, he's very bright and has problems relating to other children, he doesn't have apergers, he's getting better now and is ever learning how to be caring and considerate to others. He has friends and activities outside school and is lovely at home but he can be a bit of an odd ball and a bit daft (he's a boy!).

I had a meeting with the head on monday, he thinks the school has failed ds (ds has skipped a year) and he wants me to pack him off to a strict boys boarding school. I've recieved a letter today repeating this but he's also saying that he thinks ds should go in September 2008 and that he'll help me look. I think that he's wrote my ds off. They are doing nothing to help him socially except tell him off when he does the wrong thing. ds and friends have noticed that ds gets told off more than the rest for doing the same things. I have been told by several of the children at the school that ds is a nice boy.
He's got a visit and assessment at a new school next week, they appear to know what they are doing but I don't want ds to go back to the school if he is not wanted. I don't know what to do. His current school cost so much money and I don't want him to be unhappy and pay for the privilage. If I move him now and owe them money they will tell the new school. I can't afford to pay them and the new school, I am not sure what to do. I'm so sad.

It's sad that they seem to have written him off, but I think you are right to move him to get a fresh start, if they don't seem to have any plans to improve the situation.

If the head seems frankly keen to be rid of him, might it be worth asking them to waive the rest of the fees? I assume you've paid for this term, and are meant to give a full term's notice, or a term's fees in lieu?

Or would you be in a position to home educate him for a term to cover the time, if they won't let you out of the contract?

My ex has not paid this term yet, I've been paying since he started 4 years ago. I am supposto give a terms notice but if they don't want him there I'm damned if they are getting any more of my money. The head's said ds can't go back after easter if his dad hasn't paid the fees for this term so I am tempted to tell him not to but I don't know if this would cause problems at the new school. I could home ed for a term.

I've no idea whether schools talk to each other about this sort of thing, or if you'd risk a bad credit record by not paying, so I can't give you much advice there I'm afraid. You could maybe try a thread in education asking if anyone has done that and what happened?

It would be different I think if the school was throwing him out because of the behaviour (or rather their inability to cope with him), but if they are saying he'll have to leave because the fees have not been paid it's trickier. Even though they want him to go anyway, they could claim it was just the money and it's harder for you to argue.

Thankyou for replying, I think they do talk to each other. Head's told me that he's already spoken to the head of the new school about fees for ds and has said that he knows that there's funding availiable but thinks ds needs a strict boarding school 200 miles away . Current head knows I'm broke but can't offer any financial help. He took over in September, old head offered ds a scholarship when he started for the last 2 years but she didn't tell anyone or write it down. His behaviour isn't bad, he's going ott. ds is being silly because he's bored. The school just don't know how to manage him. They have tried to offer things as an incentive to encourage him to calm down but they never follow through. I can get the money but I don't want to pay them if they don't want my ds there and ds is unhappy. I'm sure they have broken their contract with me?

I don't know what would be in the actual contract - it may just be that they agree to provide classes, and the payment stuff, in which case legally it might be hard to show that they had broken their side of the contract. Maybe a legal stuff thread? I see what you mean about it being their reaction rather than the behaviour, but as long as they can claim they're asking you to take him out because of the fees not being paid, it puts you in an awkward position legally.

Perhaps I'm been dense but have you tried the state sector? Some of the SN provision is excellent. I know there will be loads of people who say otherwise, but I have 2 friends with difficult SN boys, who could have afforded private schools, but felt that those they visited didn't "want" special kids. They have been very pleased with the help they've had from their state schools.

oops - being - don't blame my state education

He's a minimum two years ahead. He did start off in a state school but very quickly became depressed and anxious. He was very bored and compensated by causing mischief and mayhem. I tried all of the other local state schools, they were full and have had new housing built for families so there's going to be even less space. I could ask current school if I could take him out at the end of this term without paying for the notice period and see what they say. The head's fairly reasonable he just doesn't know the needs of ds. If I explain that I can't afford it they may let me off . He's working on his attitude though, even the cleaner at the current school commented on how polite ds was to her. I really just don't get it! The school he's spending the day at is also private, I know they really want him and are able to help him. I just don't see why I should bust my gut paying his current school if they don't want him there.

I don't mean to be dense - but how do you know he's two years ahead of a state school?

Have you talked to the local sate schools recently?

And i am baffled that the Head can simultaneously say they he has failed your ds and he should move and that you need to give them a term's notice. And why on earth would a strict boarding school help?

Message withdrawn

ds has skipped a year at school and is working from the class above. He's at level 5 for sats and he's 8. The new school has busaries availiable, given my pathetic income, I wouldn't have to pay. I have no idea about the boarding school, he thinks that ds's problems stem from living in a single parent family and not having strong male role model to follow . I cn't remember what the contract said, or even if I signed one as I've never been given a copy. Head's sent a letter saying that ds is at a crutial stage , he needs a school with structured discipline and strong male rolemodels (???). He's happy to help (???) " A september 2008 start would be right."

Just to say, ds is going to see a male psychologist to talk about philosophy with him, he also does a sports club with a "strong male " teacher. New school has male teachers. Am I doing something wrong here?

The head sounds like a perv to me. A strict boarding school?

Whatever you decide, don't go there. Either home-ed or place him in the local comp. It sounds to me like he'd have more fun there.

And fun is what childhood is all about.

I think (do you mind me being blunt? I'm dead if you do!) that the Headteacher is about 30 years out of date and seriously wrong. So your dd is in a single parent household? Exactly how is moving him to a no-parent household going to help?Please don't listen to him - he is a loon.

And there are children working at that level in state schools. Your ds wasn't happy because he was in the wrong school - it could have been state or private, it was just wrong for your

Lol! I have no intention of sending him, he's so attached to me it would break his heart. He doesn't need strong discipline, he needs a school that understands how he works. ds see's the world differently, he has an energy and enthusiasm that I would not try to change as this makes him who he is. He needs help with people as he's an only child and does not know the rules of the playground (I have the unwritten rules of friendship on order so I'm hoping this will help). Yes, he shows a smaller amount of remorse and regret for the thing's he's done and thinks he's always right but once you've listened to him he's always got some logical reason, then you tell him off. I'll have a chat to the new school tomorrow, I have no idea what to do about the fees though.

The school doesn't sound good. It lacks any grasp of financial management, else it would have insisted on fees being paid in advance. It has also allowed an eight year old with a high performance on IQ tests and a low boredom threshold to set his own educational agenda, which shows a serious lack of judgement. Is the new school any better?

And does it at least have a proper philosopher for your son to discuss philosophy with?

Thanks Hallerda. It's a nice school but I don't think it's right for him. I have found my ds a philosopher willing to talk to him from the University, the new school has alot to keep him occupied (they do chess lessons, have an art block, a design block, computer lab etc. Asked for directions for the open day, the lady said the school was wonderful as her children had been there), the old school are complaining about his lack of care and respect although they are only going on old behaviour not how he's been since christmas. I have spent so much time with him, encouraging him to think of others and ways to show them that he cares, he's told me that he helps children that have fallen over, helps whe people are carrying things (will open the door for them or offer to help). He picks things up for people when they have dropped something. I may be wrong but isn't this caring? I think it's an excuse because he doesn't fit the schools image of a zombie when they take him out.

Am I right in thinking that your son hasn't actually been offered a place, let alone a bursary, at the new school yet? If so, I'd proceed with some caution. Whatever you do, ensure that you actually can pay anything that you commit yourself to paying. And whatever you owe the current school, you do actually have to pay, I'm afraid. The school works on the basis that the parents pay fees for an education they perceive as better than the one they could get for nothing. The school may decide to give bursaries or scholarships, but those are budgeted for in advance. Expecting the other parents to pick up the tab for your default isn't really on.

I think there is something in the discipline comment. Learning isn't handed on a plate to those who do well at IQ tests - it needs to be worked at, which generally involves some dull spadework in order to build foundations. It sounds from your posts as if neither you nor your son's current school has made that sufficiently clear to him. Furthermore, some humility is required in order to progress - you have to be able to admit that you are wrong when you are, which at the age of eight is likely to happen quite regularly. So I think your son does need someone to take a firm line with him. I can't see why that someone needs to be male or in a boarding school though.

god, I wouldn't take that head's advice on how to treat a stick insect, let alone a child. and it can't be much of a school if they have been defeated by your son. children with far more complex needs than he sounds to have are thriving at my dd's state school.

Hi hallgerda. I'd never do that. I have explamined to the new school that I am not looking for a place until next September, they suggested moving him this September, I have already spoken to them about the fees ad have been told that they are negotiable dependent upon his test scores. I was offered a bursary bu his old head before he came to his current school but she did not pass the information on when she left. He does do all of the things that are expected of him and he works very hard, interested or not. He has plenty of guidance at home, through friends and sports clubs, both male and female. His school discipline him in a way that does not work for him, despite being advised on the way which works for him.

Thankyou Zazette. You made me laugh .

You can't really expect a school to discipline each child in the way parents think right - they have to set consistent policies for everyone. They might make the odd adjustment over special needs, but that wouldn't apply to your son. It's worth checking when you see the new school that their discipline policy is one that you are prepared to accept.

I take it you have learnt from your earlier experience that any offer of a bursary etc. needs to be in writing.

I have spoken to new school about the fees, they have given me a form to fill in so I'll have to wait and see. I'm due to finish a masters degree in September so I shall be able to pay the fees myself if I can get a job as it's specialist work and there's loads of jobs, they all start at 25k so this is more than enough to pay the fees and live off, I only need the bursary incase things to pear shaped and I can't get a job in time. I do not expect them to fund his place as he is my child and my responsibility. It's my choice to send him there, very bright or not, so I do not expect anyone else to fund this.

ds was very badly treated at nursery and this has caused trust issues, aswell as a dislike of people shouting at him. He does not resopnd in the required way when shouted at because of this. The old head was made aware of this before he started. He's done very well, he no longer has a stammer, he's starting to form relationships and is helpful but there's still things to change. He's still afraid of people touching him because somewhere in his brain he thinks they are going to hit him. He switches off when he's shouted at because he's learned that this is what you do when you are told off. This should be in his school records. I expect the school to see that their way of disciplining ds does not work and I expect them to be open to suggestions that do work and will benefit a child in their care. It's in everyone's interest to have a harmonious school full of happy children. As hs parent I will not let them get on with it and make mistakes with him.

The Government has a policy called Every Child Matters. It is Orwellian double-speak.
All schools (state or private) operate on the priciple that they will do what is best for the greater good, they will not bend over backwards to cater for individuals. You have to fit to their needs, not the other way round.

Avenanap, no school is going to treat your child differently to the others just because you want them to. No child responds well to being shouted at and hit, this isn't an individual need of your son's, so you need to check that the school's discipline policy is to your liking, because that's what they will implement regardless of what you want them to do. They cannot discipline some children in a completely different way to others - it's grossly unfair and all the children will realise this.

They discipline them all the same with the exception of my ds, he's disciplined more. His friends have also noticed that ds is told off for things that others are not and have asked him about it. All of the teachers tell him off in different ways, one will ask him what he's done, one won't, one will shout and scream at him, one won't. He needs to learn that everyone's different and if he does not want to get told off he needs to make sure he behaves. I don't think he's been told off for a while, I think it was a few weeks ago for messing around. I don't expect him to be perfect though, it just appears that they do. Head's more concerned about his non-caring attitude (is opening the doors for people, picking other chilren up if they fall over, asking people how they are non-caring?), the fact that he's very opinionated and has no strong male role model (apart from my friends, the psychologist he talks to at the Uni, his sports coach, family. Is this not enough?). The head is judging him on past bahaviour, not the new improved behaviour that ds has shown since christmas.