Headteacher's doesn't want ds at the school.

[avenanap]

Hiya, I have posted before about my enthusiastic ds, he's very bright and has problems relating to other children, he doesn't have apergers, he's getting better now and is ever learning how to be caring and considerate to others. He has friends and activities outside school and is lovely at home but he can be a bit of an odd ball and a bit daft (he's a boy!).

I had a meeting with the head on monday, he thinks the school has failed ds (ds has skipped a year) and he wants me to pack him off to a strict boys boarding school. I've recieved a letter today repeating this but he's also saying that he thinks ds should go in September 2008 and that he'll help me look. I think that he's wrote my ds off. They are doing nothing to help him socially except tell him off when he does the wrong thing. ds and friends have noticed that ds gets told off more than the rest for doing the same things. I have been told by several of the children at the school that ds is a nice boy.
He's got a visit and assessment at a new school next week, they appear to know what they are doing but I don't want ds to go back to the school if he is not wanted. I don't know what to do. His current school cost so much money and I don't want him to be unhappy and pay for the privilage. If I move him now and owe them money they will tell the new school. I can't afford to pay them and the new school, I am not sure what to do. I'm so sad.

Ahundred. I had thought about it. I have the fees though and next terms aswell(almost). I don't really want him to go back if they don't want him there. I really don't want to pay for the privilage of my ds being miserable. I've had to scimp, save and take a loan out for the fees. Am I being unreasonable here?

Yes, a little. You know you will have to pay the summer term fees, unless the Head is prepared to waive them for you. You will have to ask him.

Can you HE for a term and work? Is he miserable? You haven't said this before really.

Are you absolutely sure that private school is the answer? If you are struggling to pay, are you sure there isn't a state school which will serve both your needs well?

Private doesn't always equal better you know, especially not with 'different' children.

His assessments on tuesday, the new school know everything, they know he's currently in yr 5 but should be yr 4, they will assess him as a year 4 in the view that he'll join year 5 in September. They know he's already at sats level 5 (6 points off on maths) and that he can be socially inapt. I've been honest and told them that his behaviour is sometimes a problem, he can argue but behaves in class. They think he's bored aswell! I'd take him out at easter and save the 2K if I could. I would home ed for a term and let him start the new school in september if I could. He already feels singled out, I don't want this to get any worse.

Well if you think his happiness is at risk, then do that. If you think he can manage another term, knowing that he is leaving, then do that.

Hopefully this new school will give you some insights. It may be that he is bored, but it may also be that he is socially inept as you say, and actually needs in-school support with that.

You are quite right to find the right environment for him. Hopefully they will offer a bursary or some such, but you might need to wait for secondary for that.

So, with any luck you will know by the end of next week. Then you can give notice, and ask Head if he will waive the summer term fees if you chose to withdraw him. I wouldn't NOT pay them though, that will follow you and make things dodgy. Also if you have the money, pay this terms fees promptly on Monday.

ds is not miserable there, he wants to stay and leave next september. I can teach him, I've been answering his questions since he could talk, I can work on my MSc via distance learning but I think he needs the social contact and to have friends around him.
It had to be private as all the local state schools were full. I'm only struggling now because I fell ill last year so needed to take time off. I put this off as long as I could because the old head offered a scholarship to cover the last 2 years, which he is now in. she left and there was no documentation to prove this. Private seemed the lesser of 2 evils, he was offered a place in a school 15 miles away. There are very good state schools near where we live but because they keep building new houses they are all full.

Thankyou. I am really grateful for all of your help. I was not going to not pay them what I owe, next term's fees will piss me off though. He's happy and fairly oblivious as to what I've been told so I'll leave it at that, see what the next school says and give notice if I need to. I shall ignore head's advice regarding boarding unless things really do get very bad. I shall carry on with the sports, hampster and social learning stuff. Thankyou.

Hi avenap, just thought our experience would bring you comfort: ds2 is academically gifted, and at reception (to our utter surprise) was moved up a year by his private prep school. What we didn't know then was that it just made it easier for them to coach him, but in a big school (535 pupils) he never played sport with his peers, and was rejected in playground friendships by his year group. He struggled on until year 5, but his behaviour deteriorated in the way you describe, so that in the end even the one or two friends heDID have abandoned him. . At that point we took him out and after much soulsearching found him a small boarding school where although he remained out of his year was, crucially, small enough foir them to all socialise together and for him to play sport with his own age group. He HAD to learn to get on with others (it didn't come naturally by then , and he gained confidence in sport. By the time he repeated Year 8 as a scholar he was flying, and is now completing his first senior school year with the confidence of having won an award to go there, being top teams in sports and in the top sets. We TOTALLY< TOTALLY underestimated the damage inflicted on him by moving him ahead of his peer group and we thank god every day we found a school that could put it right. Your son will recover if you move him, so follow your instincts. I promise you, our son is unrecognisable to those parents who haven't seen him for a couple of years!

Thanks Sal. I'm really pleased that your ds is happy. I think my ds's school did it because the teacher he should have had would never have handled him (she's quiet, way too caring, not firm). I'm looking for a school for him that has a junior school attached so that he can move back. He's not been rejected yet (fingers crossed) and has fitted in really well. If I thought he needed this then I would do it but I know that he does and can get along with people. I've brought him a hampster today and he's so gentle and caring towards it I was shocked given his head had said so many negative things. Roll on September!

I've just sent the head this:

www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Health-and-Development/-/4-to-13-years/Gifted-children -and-friendships-?-why-don?t-I-fit-in.aspx

I hope he gets the message!

One of the duties of a prep school head is to recommend future schools for their pupils. They spend a lot of time getting to know senior schools and keeping up to date with them. I would not disregard completely what he is saying.

It's really important that everyone involved is honest with one another. If your DS is misbehaving at school, then there should be written evidence of this given that he is all but being asked to leave the school because of it. You can also make an appointment with the pastoral head and the director of studies to get their take on things. I suspect the head is just echoing what his staff have said (and written) about your DS - he won't be acting out of some kind of spite, but for the benefit of your DS and the other pupils in the school.

I would suggest a visit to the school that the head is recommending so that you can at least understand what he is going on about. Boarding is not an option for many for financial reasons, but it would be good to have an idea about the kind of education, activities and discipline that your DS may benefit from.

Does the head have any recommendations for day schools for your DS? What does he think of the one that you are looking at?

If you are going for this new school, you need to make sure that it is has the right ethos for supporting your son. As you have found out, some kids don't really fit in to an individual school and a move is required, but it has to be the right move. The school wouldn't be offering a full-fee bursary if they didn't love your DS, and felt that he would be a great asset to the school. If it's a prep school, they will be looking for him to get a major academic scholarship at 13. If he is not a dead cert for this, I think they would be less generous with their precious bursary funds.

Thankyou scienceteacher. I value the head's assistance in finding ds a school but I don't think he's right in what he is saying as this is not supported by any of the other teachers. The head's only been at the school since September, he's had little contact with ds, I don't think it's right for him to come to this conclusion when he has hardly spoken to ds. When I ask the head to tell me exactly what ds has said or done to give him this impression he is unable to tell me, he just say's ds does not think about the consequences of his actions, this does not help me when I am trying to help ds and teach him the rules of society (manners, patience, kindness, etc). The conflicting opinions regarding ds are extremely unhelpful, I have a lovely, caring, helpful, attentive child at home, he's like this when I take him out 95% of the time, he's like this with my friends, he's like this when my friends take him out, he's like this at his sports clubs. There is an obvious problem at school if this is the report I recieve about him, his class teacher does not have a problem with ds, when ds is occupied he's no bother, when he's left to his own devices he runs around, I expect this, he's 8. He can try and justify his actions as a way to get out of problems, which is seen as arguing by the school. He can be seen as annoying because he asks other children to play more than once because he thinks they should all play together and be friends. I see this as him needing to learn the rules of friendships. They are looking at these types of behaviour in the negative, I have done peads nurse training and I was taught to look at the child and not the illness. They should look at the child and not the 5% bahaviour.
The head has not recommended any day schools, he is new to the area and I do not expect him to have this experience.

If the head is new to the area, then it would probably be more useful to talk to the Director of Studies about future schools.

As for explanations of DS's behaviour, then do ask where the info is coming from and details of specific incidents. If DS is guilty, they will have a paper trail.

The other thing to ask is for DS to go on report - ie get a card signed after each lesson with a appropriate comments.

It's a very small school so they do not have a director of studies, the parents are left to find one themselves. I'll ask him where the info is coming from, it's possible that I may not have been told what ds is doing because it's the kind of school where they gossip alot. They have had a report card for him before, they kept changing what it was for though and became quite silly, they would write that he had not eaten his lunch on it or that he had dropped his pencilcase. As far as I have been made aware by others, his behaviour has improved since christmas (the card was before). I am normally told by ds or a teacher about specific incidents, ds is fairly honest, even if he does try and paint a pretty picture of his behaviour he will say what he got into trouble for but there's been very little. The other teachers will also tell me, so do some of the children , but there's been nothing.

Don't they have a senior teacher who is concerned primarily with the academic curriculum of the school? I work in a tiny school, and even we have a DoS.

The reason I suggest the DoS route is because they know the entrance and scholarship requirements for all the target schools.

Ahh, that's ds's class teacher. He doesn't know the schools very well, he's not long started either. He's told me that he's collecting info about schools, he's suggested one that I've taken ds to see but they were very abrupt with him and I didn't think that he would manage very well. They wanted the bright but lifeless boys.